Zero Punctuation: Army of Two

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For as popular as Yahtzee has become I'm surprised this board hasn't become flooded with hundred of retarded twelve year olds shouting to the heavens that Yahtzee is the second coming of Jesus Christ himself.

All in all I must say that Yahtzee is a funny bastard and he certainly finds a way to out do himself. Bravo Yahtzee, and cheers.

*And yes I realize this is my first post, though I just haven't had the initiative to get a membership to this board and could have cared less, but seeing as how I'm bored out of my skull I had nothing better to do.*

Anybody else laugh at "BAD YAHTZEE." I had a hole new set of shits and giggles.

Yahtzee points out the poor QA in this video, but it's probably not a tester's fault. With very few exceptions, if there's a bug in a game, QA found it and bugged it, and then it got closed as acceptable.

My friend keeps trying to get me to buy this game to play it with him. I didn't want to then, and there's no way in Hell I will now either.

37TH TO COMMENT ^^

**Banned mostly for silly post, but also a little for lack of ability to count.**

<3 - Andraste

i do like how yathzee was forced to finally get a human partner to play it, i liked the game more than yahtzee did, i didnt think it was perfect, but i liked it, oh yea and the frank miller reference was the funniest IMO for some reason

I started cracking up two seconds in when the song started playing, which hasn't happened since you reviewed Manhunt. Well done.

Not the best, but funny bit.

But there are some points which are COMPLETELY wrong. Like no difficulty curve? Did I hear right? Are you saying there is not a difference between the Somalia mission and the raid into SSC. And playing with NPC is just stupid, donīt even want to try it.

I could go on but I donīt want to. Still you made me laugh so I guess you win.

Why?! WHY?!!??! Does X-Play continue to air these? THEY SUCK!

wyvern009:
Why?! WHY?!!??! Does X-Play continue to air these? THEY SUCK!

.....You suck!

:|

Another great review Yahtzee :)

Best intro music ever!

Garfgarog:
image

Can some one tell what is the origin of this smiley ??? ( a webcomic? 4 chan? Some weird Devaint art dude drew it WHAT?!"!!!!!)

i ve been looking for it for eons and no one seems to know where its from?

Wistfane:

Garfgarog:
image

Can some one tell what is the origin of this smiley ??? ( a webcomic? 4 chan? Some weird Devaint art dude drew it WHAT?!"!!!!!)

i ve been looking for it for eons and no one seems to know where its from?

Eye Spider:
Loved the inclusion of the SA :awesome: face (which later became :fuckyou: if I remember correctly) to go with the use of the word facetious. Fits perfectly.

Thanks that was help full now if anyone can tell what SA(Sucks Ass? sexy Africans Sheezy Art?) stads for im be filled with glee and prolly choke on it

hahhahha! i think this is your best one yet!

1. stop posting that smiley
2. the review was great but then what's new?
3. review lost via domus next week

I laughed SO HARD when he yelled "BAD YAHTZEE!!"

And a bullets-and-hamburger transcript:

I'd be the first to admit that in my reviews, I tend to go straight for the gay jokes too much. Somehow a burn becomes doubly funny when you imply that the subject also likes it rough from men with hairy bums. I've honestly been trying to cut down on them lately, but Jesus, look what I've got to work with. Two inseparable muscular men, one big and grizzled, the other young and spunky, running around in gimp masks, knocking down big missile erections, plainly sexually uninterested in the only woman of their acquaintance, and despite ostensibly making a lot of income as contractors, they can only afford one parachute between them, which they're a little too eager to share.

OK, I've promised not to make a big thing of this. Besides, the gameplay's more like a recruitment video for private military contracting than an endorsement of the bumming lifestyle. We're quickly and frequently reminded that the military is shit, and so is everyone in it, while mercenaries are unstoppable immortal badasses, who make tons more money, and like it rough from men with hairy bums. No! Bad Yahtzee! I meant to say, "and you get to wear funky skull masks like it's Halloween every day, except it's you giving out the candy, and the candy is bullets."

It's your standard mix-and-match present-day military shooter plot; you start off killing Al Qaeda suicide bombers in post-9/11 Afghanistan (in a bit of ripped-from-the-headlines gritty realism that falls on the border of tasteless) and before long, you've moved on to the rest of America's favorite punching bags: first the Iraqis, then the Chinese, and finally their #1 hate figure, other Americans. If you don't see the standard double-cross plot twist coming, then you probably need help dressing yourself, but let's not dwell on it. We're not here for Story Time, people; let's talk about all the sexy violence.

The major selling point, the one right there in the title, is that you're assisted by an NPC partner. There's more to it than that, obviously, because if there wasn't, I'd have to tactfully break it to EA that they were beaten to it by every shooter made in the last five fucking years. The major difference is that you have to pull the little levers in your partner's head to make him hold position, regroup, advance, or whatever, and to the game's credit, it's pretty intuitive. It's just that sometimes, messing with the little levers causes something to snap inside his noggin. On a couple of occasions, he froze up and just stood there, while the enemy turned us both into bullets-and-hamburger sandwiches. And then there was the time I was standing by a door while he went to push a button across the room, and I accidentally pressed the button to regroup, and he ended up endlessly running back and forth like a sheepdog with a piece of shrapnel in its head.

Actually, there were quite a lot of things QA should probably have picked up on. Having grown tired of my AI partner's insect-filled brain, I tried playing co-op split-screen with a friend. In one shootout sequence, there was an elevated holdout position that I gave him a boosty up to as part of a cunning higher-ground strategy, but since my friend had trouble understanding that enemy bullets were something to be avoided, he was taken down. When this happens, you basically can't move or get up until your partner comes over to stick a healing foot up your arse, but since there was now no one to give me a boosty up to where he was, all I could do was hop impotently up and down like a skull-faced bunny until his bad case of idiocy proved terminal.

So it's a buggy game, but not without compensating factors. There seems to be an issue with the difficulty curve, in that there isn't one. Gameplay consists of a linear succession of samey stop-go shootout playgrounds, and your characters can absorb so much damage, you'd think they were written by Frank Miller or something. Health regenerates fast, enemies are reluctant to advance, and even if you do get taken down, you'll be A-OK as long as your partner gets over to you at some point in the next year or so, which isn't always guaranteed, but still, it makes me wonder why they felt they needed two people for this.

I don't feel Army of Two makes the most of the whole "Two" thing. All you need the other guy for is distracting the enemy so you can run up and shoot their buttocks off, a job which could be done just as well by a scarecrow or a loud noise. And even that's never really necessary, except when they wheel out the enemy wearing impenetrable bullshit armor on everything except his bum, which I suspect are only thrown in to give the other guy a contrived and flimsy reason to be there, like the ledges that require boosties. So all this company needs to do is strap some fireworks to a stepladder, and they'll only have to pay one set of wages.

I was being facetious earlier; I don't really get a gay vibe from Mr. and Mrs. Skeletor. They remind me more of a pair of eight-year-old boys, running around the schoolyard, kicking girls in the shins. The option exists to pimp out your guns with funky paint jobs and bling, and if that idea appeals to you, then give yourself a nice saltwater douche, because you're officially a cunt. It's just a little bit tacky to combine juvenile power fantasy with real-world politics, but I don't want to beat Army of Two with that, when there's perfectly good bad game design I could beat it with. It's repetitive, and broken, and nothing you haven't seen before. If you can play Gears of War with one hand and Splinter Cell with the other, then you don't have to play Army of Two. And make sure you film it, because that's a pretty impressive talent you have there.

Bad Yahtzee you made it to 4 hours without a gay joke... Do you make Gay jokes in ur sleep???
Great Review as always

And then I looked in the source code. Only me of all people would bother doing this heh.

[ <meta name="keywords" content="army of two,ben croshaw,ea,editorial,fairy,feature,gay,homosexual,mercenary,military,nancy,parachute,queen,queer,reviews,soldier of fortune,videos,yahtzee,zero punctuation"> ]

Failed before I even clicked the video heh.

Balks:
\
*And yes I realize this is my first post, though I just haven't had the initiative to get a membership to this board and could have cared less, but seeing as how I'm bored out of my skull I had nothing better to do.*

Does anyone ever actually buy this? Admit you hadn't heard of Yahtzee until today, that's fine. It's doesn't make you somehow better or more hardcore to have loved him from the start. Own your nubness. It doesn't bite.

God bless your little cotton socks Yahtzee, you are the only redeeming feature of the next 3 weeks. Damn finals. Damn them to hell.

Yahtzee, have you sent your CV to Trey Parker and Matt Stone yet? TV is where the big money is!

Wistfane:
Thanks that was help full now if anyone can tell what SA(Sucks Ass? sexy Africans Sheezy Art?) stads for im be filled with glee and prolly choke on it

http://forums.somethingawful.com/

I don't know if this is where that awesome smiley first originated, but it's where I first encountered it. It got so overused it pissed everybody off to the point where the mods banned it, only to have some facetious goon re-buy the emoticon and call it fuckyou in true SA form. The Games subforum, incidentally, was also where I first heard of zero punctuation, although answering you I can't shake the feeling I've sprung some kind of trap...

Oh, QA caught it, believe me. The Devs would have marked it "Will not fix". Or "As intended." Because making games doesn't mean one actually you know... /plays/ them.

That would be crazy talk.

agree with the point about trying to combine 8 year old fantasies and modern day politics lol.
Well idiots still buy those games tho so i guess they'd still make em, or else otherwise.. well you know... they'd have to think ? :I

Don't know the game, ergo haven't played it and am not interested in it by a mile, so I'll restrict myself to comment on the comic execution of this week's Zero Punctuation which is Two Thumbs Up!

Pun intended.

that smiley face, where have I seen that?

Anyways another good review. NO BAD YAHTZEE!

Eye Spider:
The Games subforum, incidentally, was also where I first heard of zero punctuation, although answering you I can't shake the feeling I've sprung some kind of trap...

IT'S A oh you know.

Having actually played this one (unlike Z&W which I'd never even heard of) I can completely agree with you.

Unfortunately, this is also the best shooter for PS3 out right now.

It's gay gears of war on crack minus the aliens.

Plus that elevated position + death thing was just stupid. While that never happened to me, I could imagine that happening during the freaking training and somehow they didn't notice.

I miss good shooters.

I'll just kill everyone I see on hitman until game developers realize the old games were good as they were and we don't need all these freaking extras to make it better.

EG- CPU ally. Squad-mates. "Equipment" ala halo 3. I'm even getting sick of vehicles, even though every game so far is doing it right. (Was about to rant but stops there)

Simply amazing.Yathzee picked the perfect songs for this review.

FSBlueApocalypse:
Funniest in awhile, as far as something to review thats decent, I'm pretty sure God of War: Chains of Olympus got released worldwide by now

It did, but it didn't give him ample time to play it and make a review in his trademark manner. Its not like these things appear overnight.

It was...decent. Not really funny but not bad either.

Hilarious and top-notch once again, although I didn't see many gay references when I played it!
The high-ground problem does occur a few times, it happened to me and my friend about twice, but I wouldn't call it a bug, it's just something that can happen. If they were to 'fix' it, then they'd have to re-do the whole injury thing.
Bad Yahtzee!!!

Yahtzee stole my avatar...which I stole from 4chan.

why rolf harris at the beginning?

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