Zero Punctuation: God of War: Chains of Olympus

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TheDR:
I love these reviews, i want to get Gow now tho :P

Jade-Scale:
First comment!

That aside, I played the game and I wasn't really impressed. I really think the PSP suffers without that second analog nub. I use mine for a few games here and there, but mostly for the PS3 compatibility. I really don't think this game is worth it when there's games like Patapon and LocoRoco out there.

How the hell did you see that much of the video and type out your comment in the same minute as the video came out, genuis :D

I wrote "First Comment!" then watched the video. Then edited my comment afterwards.

Damn, I hoped that if a PSP title was gonna get it, it would have been Final Fantasy:Crisis Core (I liked the game, just ZP would have had a field day with it!)

Own up if you hope next week GTA gets some ZP action......

I like how games like devil may cry try desperatly to be like god of war, but fail miserably once they realize that the only people who would buy their games are worthless otakus.

that aside, killing stuff in the most gruesome ways possible in GOW always gives me an olympus sized raging boner, which i myself find disturbing as well.

Jade-Scale:

I wrote "First Comment!" then watched the video. Then edited my comment afterwards.

Bye bye. I'd say it was nice knowing you, but that might be a bit of a fib.

And Yahtzee overall seemed to be very flattering to this game. I am most befuddled.

The fuck you button i wish every game had them like on burnout paradise when you crash there should be a button to set of a nuke in your car which then destroys the hole city wish i had one then i could press to see what i'd do probably would spontaniously combust.

Glad he didnt review gta although he probably wont out of spite coz the amount of people that have probably emailed him askin him too or it ain't been released in australia yet

Glad for a good review after last weeks attempt falling on its arse altho enuf people posted on it coz of all yahtzees fan bois lol i iz well typin that english init ahh help me chav in brain stomp the fecker

Spacehouse:
I like how games like devil may cry try desperatly to be like god of war, but fail miserably once they realize that the only people who would buy their games are worthless otakus.

that aside, killing stuff in the most gruesome ways possible in GOW always gives me an olympus sized raging boner, which i myself find disturbing as well.

I know you say "like Devil May Cry" so you may not actually mean the game Devil May Cry, simply games along the same vein. But in case you were trying to establish that Devil May Cry is trying to be like God of War: Wrong and dumb. Save for Devil May Cry 4, all of those games came out before the first God of War did.

Perfect as always!

This is a spot on "review" as the others.
I love God of War series so much, actually playing it now.

so, he liked it, he liked it not - wonder when they're gonna let Yahtzee loose on some adult games? oh, there are none, yet.

;)

And now you have a transcript sticking out of your bonce:

Chains of Olympus is a PSP-exclusive prequel installment in the God of War series, a bunch of games that combine an (at best) loose understanding of Greek mythology, with a level of violence that hovers somewhere between "excessive" and "completely off its tits". If nothing else, there's no better series for working off frustration, which is handy, because I certainly have a lot to work off after I've been playing with a PSP for a while, when my index fingers are locked into hideous hook shapes, fit only for picking out the crumbs of filth that gather in the stupid analog pad thing that my thumb keeps slipping off, like I'm trying to clumsily finger a robot prostitute, but I digress. There'll be plenty of time to beat on the PSP when I'm capable of making a fist again.

This review is probably going to end up as a general retrospective of the entire God of War series, because frankly, review one game, you've reviewed them all. You play pasty historical misery-guts Kratos, a Spartan warrior with a preposterous jawline, who works as a sort of independent contractor for the Olympian gods, specializing in killing things that would need to go on a starvation diet for years before they could be classified as humongous. You're hurled into a pitched battle right from the start, just in case you thought you were playing something with a modicum of restraint, and before long it's revealed that one or more gods have gone off the straight-and-narrow, and it's up to you brutalize them back into line. On the way, you'll kill enough blameless innocents to fill a decent-sized Parthenon, meet a few mythological creatures and tear their limbs off, and chances are good you'll die and go to Hades at some point, but it's OK, you generally just walk out again. In fact, Kratos does that with such reliability they might as well install a revolving door.

There's some variation early on, but sooner or later, every God of War game goes through the same motions. You always end up at the Temple of Such-and-Such, having to Prove Your Worth, which is another thing Kratos has to do with anomalous frequency; makes me wonder why he didn't ask for a signed certificate after the first time. I'm not really sure how I feel about the rigidly unchanging formula, though, because while forcing the same minotaur to give your dagger a terminal blowjob does get old after a while, I'm always the first to cry foul when developers wipe their dicks all over a good thing just for innovation's sake. And there's nothing about God of War that really needs changing. It all fits quite nicely together, like furious blood-stained Stickle Bricks.

Well, OK, there are certainly more than a few nitpicks I could make, and I wouldn't be the critic I like to think I am if I didn't furiously pick nits like an amphetamine-fueled chimp. The fixed camera gets annoying when there are enemies off screen, at least half the spells and attacks you get loaded down with throughout the game generally prove to be bloody useless (around weaker enemies there's really no reason to use anything other than the instant-kill grab attack, or as I like to call it, the "Fuck You" button), and there's a terrible habit of having unskippable cutscenes just before really hard boss fights, because obviously after getting our gonads shoved down our throats watching the same tedious dialogue play out a sixth time, it's just the kind of respite we need.

I've just realized I haven't even mentioned what kind of game it is yet, because I assume most viewers already know, but if you're one of those girlfriends of viewers, who don't actually play games, but likes watching these videos anyway, because they secretly want to fuck me, God of War is basically Devil May Cry meets Ray Harryhausen, but with less of the stop-motion plasticine of the latter, or the smirking buggercunts of the former, and like Devil May Cry, what we're really here for is the combat which, as I've already said, is satisfying to the point of eroticism. There's something almost balletic about Kratos swinging his chains around, disemboweling a succession of gurgling dance partners, and there's actually skill to it. Mashing square and triangle will serve up to a point, but sooner or later you'll have to start learning how to get around attack patterns, you know, like you've actually got a brain and shit.

But I think what I like most about the combat is that it fits the character so well. It's like after they finished animating a sequence in which the player bites off a minotaur's face, they thought to themselves, "Well, there's really no way we can characterize this guy as anything other than a brutal psychotic," so they just rolled with it. He's not particularly deep, and he's not particularly congruous, especially when he starts whining about his poor mistreated family while cutting green healing blobs out of wailing bystanders, but Kratos' sheer unbridled horribleness offers an appealing holiday from our namby-pamby civilised selves which, along with most of us unwittingly living in an emasculated conformist nightmare world, is nice to have now and then, if only to stave off suicide for another few hours by running around in our pants, mangling passersby like a human smoothie-maker. In a game, I mean.

So after all that, let's return to our tissue-thin veneer of consumer advice, and talk about whether Chains of Olympus is worth getting. Well, if you felt God of War needed to be about four or five hours longer, then go for it, but you wouldn't be missing much if you held out for a PS2 port. Don't expect anything new, but it's still fun, especially if you picture all the monsters as your childhood bullies. Yes, how do you like that, Brian Paine? We'll see how many dead legs you can give me when you've got a priceless historical artifact sticking out of your bonce!

the first minute or so was really hard to follow, but i still enjoyed it, good fun!

Yep, good review - GoW:CoO is exactly what you'd expect it to be - a pint-sized version of any GoW sans epic huge bosses all over the place because they didn't fit on the UMD. Considering the depth of combat, it's something of a Devil May Cry For Beginners, but even a simplified version of the DMC battle concept is a lot of fun to play.

To be honest, while playing it, I pretty much had the same feeling I had while playing Silent Hill: Origins (also a "prequel) - "deja vu all over by the fans, for the fans".

Oh, and "Damn, that's purdy and some fun!" too :)

MiniMaharu:
I have to say that I love this review, not that I don't love every review.
Though it seems that our friend, Yahtzee, is getting more and more sexual with each and every review he makes.
Yahtzee! Get yourself a girl, mate!
Or a guy..
I can't really conclude that you're straight, considering almost every review has some sort of homosexual reference.

Oh! And just to add to all of this, I'm a girl who's favourite game is God of War AND I've watched every one of your reviews. So there! You and your assumption that girls don't get the pleasure from ripping eyes out, breaking necks, etc.

And I half expected you to bring up the sex scene near the very beginning of the game. Pft! You're starting to lose your touch! Commenting less and less on the game.

The one part is definately true though...
... The girls who watch it want in your pants!

Yeah, what's up with not commenting on the sex scenes? God of War is practically synonymous with them. And they're perfect fodder for jokes. C'mon!

Red Shadow:
Eventually, people will realise that posting "first comment" after less than a minute of the thread opening will get you banned... but until that day.

Excuse the n00b question but why would someone get banned for being a bit trigger fingered and writing a thread comment that quickly?

ZP, Your a god, You have managed to ease my girlfriend through that unhappy state of gaming uneasiness that I got rid of pre-Sonic II and I sit here now after watching your review, listening happily as she murders the entire city of people on the new GTA, while pondering whether or not it is worth dragging out my ps2 to play GoW 1&2 again...

Is it truly reasonable to expect a PS2 port of the PSP game?

Well the part about the review one review them all is very very true since they have the same type of gameplay. But it was really smart and funny. And to the point as always cause the camera does suck and it doesn't offer anything brand new, except the story which was great. And I was kinda bummed about the sex scenes too. But I guess Yahtzee had his reasons.

a review that was funny but as usual got the point across.

not a game of the year, but a game of the hour after your boss chews you out? i think so.

good job Yahtzee.

Magnus.

Good Yahtzee, nothing like trolling people to make sure you get more attention.

Matchbox 20 eh? Getting alternative now. Still a very nice choice in music, mind.

Oh yeah, the review was pretty sweet too. ;)

Garfgarog:
Good Yahtzee, nothing like trolling people to make sure you get more attention.

Nah, he just likes the solid gold reactions from the fanboys.

"Brawl is still shit?" Nice.

When are people going to realize this is one person's opinion? A person you will likely never meet? If Yahtzee were to come out and say the Kingdom Hearts series was for emo, fanfic writing pussies I wouldn't feel compelled to defend it. (I'd probably agree with him to an extent.) Taking personal offense to someone's criticism on something you like is just retarded.

That being said, I played the first God of War but haven't felt the need to play any of the other games. I have a friend who is a die-hard Spartan wannabe (GoW, Halo, 300), and he highly recommend I pick up the sequels, but then again he's the kind of guy who gets sexually aroused when his fists hit something that feels pain.

Very nice review,
Last one was a bit slower then usual, but this one is quick and snappy.
Thanks.

dont think that there were QTE's in this 1 form what i know of. Anyway good review and yes brawl does suck.

you know i would've bet dollars to dimes yahtzee wouldv'e trashed this game, infact i think this is one of his most positive reveiws yet, not complaining just pointing it out. i enjoyed gow2 and i was curious about this game because when not on the psp it seems like it's brutal fun.

i will admit i am surprised that yahtzee has now reveiwed a game on every console thats , it seems a little odd he's kind of randomly peppering the market, i know the escapist pays for the individual games he buys but do they also pay for consoles to play them on? especially something like the psp i imagine the people who might actually buy the game is a relativley small group considering the psps somewhat shitty sales.

but overall really good review and funny as almost always

Can I be a girl who watches your reviews that plays games, and still wants to fuck you?

dude, you could totally illustrate congruous.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congruence_(geometry)

oh, and I LOVED STICKO BRICKS!

"This just in; Brawl still shit..." so many laughs!

I posted this in the SSBB forum, but I've got time (not really, I'm procrastinating) so I'll post it here too:

I think Yahtzee added that last line just to get us riled up again, mostly because the reaction would be entertaining. And also to tell those that email him to stop, because his opinion won't change even if people email him for the next 5 years, since the only real way for an opinion to change is if you decide so yourself. Either way, let's not talk about whether or not brawl is good or bad here. There's another forum for that already (yes, I know this sounds hypocritical after what I just said, and I'm sorry).

But yeah, GoW seems interesting...never played it but I'll try now, soon as I have access to a PSP...

Hamster at Dawn:
Should I be worried now if my girlfriend likes these reviews?

Yes...Yes you should.

hehe ^_^

On topic. I'd like to think they made his jawline like that so females would even consider picking up the controller...but thats just me.

Great review...talked a little faster than normal it seemed or perhaps my sleep deprivation is starting to get to me.

I like Brawl but it does have its flaws and judging that you hate multi player I guess I cant blame you for not liking Brawl. I would not be surprised though if about the same amount of people wanted you to review GTA IV. but anyways keep up the good work.

Hmmm....might pick up a copy of God of War now, maybe for cheap at GAME TRADERS ROBINA.....sorry ^_^

Boing.

Fangface74:
Damn, I hoped that if a PSP title was gonna get it, it would have been Final Fantasy:Crisis Core (I liked the game, just ZP would have had a field day with it!)

Own up if you hope next week GTA gets some ZP action......

Does GTA really need another review from anyone on this planet? Crisis Core would be good, though.

menhir:
Boing.

Fangface74:
Damn, I hoped that if a PSP title was gonna get it, it would have been Final Fantasy:Crisis Core (I liked the game, just ZP would have had a field day with it!)

Own up if you hope next week GTA gets some ZP action......

Does GTA really need another review from anyone on this planet? Crisis Core would be good, though.

The only JRPG's he likes are the Paper mario series and the Earthbound series

menhir:
Does GTA really need another review from anyone on this planet? Crisis Core would be good, though.

Quicky Crisis Core rev

Modulating Phase
7 2 7!

iew: the story is completely incomprehensible unle

Modulating Phase
1 4 1!

ss you've played Final Fantasy VII, and the co

Modulating Phase
3 3 3!
Power Surge!

mbat keeps on getting interrupted by the stupid DMW. Even if it winds up coming up with nothing.

So if you want to continue the story of Final Fantasy VII, remember who Zack is, and understand the relationship between JENOVA and Sephiroth, go for it.

Otherwise, stay far, far away.

Uhm... did I just see something dragon like ( remotely... veeeeeery remotely :D ) at 2:17? Bring back your first one ( fable ) it had been hilarious ;)

and like Devil May Cry, what we're really here for is the combat which, as I've already said, is satisfying to the point of eroticism. There's something almost balletic about Kratos swinging his chains around, disemboweling a succession of gurgling dance partners, and there's actually skill to it.

Word. Being able to create beautiful, adrenaline powered battle choreographies is the main reason I love fighting games, DMC and GoW.
Nice review, and loved the ending ;)

Not your best but still excellent.
BTW I was expecting a lot of complaining about QTE, your nemesis (as he stated in RE:UC)

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