Escape to the Movies: The Lone Ranger

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The Lone Ranger

MovieBob takes us behind the Lone Ranger's mask for a spoiler filled review.

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Eric Sachs? WTF? That's even stupid by Michael Bay standards.

Funny, I'd heard that Johnny Depp was the only good part of the movie. Ah well, there's only a couple weeks until Pacific Rim.

I'm definitely over Johnny Depp playing wacky over the top caricatures at this stage.

Stealing Silver doesn't make you a Wendigo!

Andrew Siribohdi:
Eric Sachs? WTF? That's even stupid by Michael Bay standards.

Eric is probably the name of the Sachs of money they paid him to make the film :P

I'm getting pretty tired of starting out thinking 'this movie looks stupid, but I'm sure it will at least be fun', only to have people tell me 'it's horrible, and boring'. I mean, is it seriously THAT hard to make a solid action movie these days?

... I think this conclusively proves that whoever the f*** does story writing for the TMNT movie just might be a bit racist.

Eric Sachs... f*** sake...

So Wild Wild West is no longer the go-to "bad western film"? That's good. I actually like that movie. It revels in it's silliness.

So the better question is which Western film is worse now? This or Jonah Hex?

And here I thought that the worst thing I'd see in this review is just how bad the movie. But no...Eric Sachs. Oyyy.

Also, offtopic, am I the ONLY one getting utterly frustrated by that sandal advert in all of Escapist's stuff now? Had to watch it three times because the video crashed twice. New adverts, please.

Daaaah Whoosh:
I'm getting pretty tired of starting out thinking 'this movie looks stupid, but I'm sure it will at least be fun', only to have people tell me 'it's horrible, and boring'. I mean, is it seriously THAT hard to make a solid action movie these days?

Well, at least we still have the A-Team to fall back on :)

... and it just struk me that whoever's writing the TMNT movie would have probably replaced Rampage Jackson in the A-Team movie with Mark Hominick.

The guys who wrote this have no idea how to reconcile differences in tone. They obviously want to try to do a very grand, almost Errol Flynn type adventure but then they juxtapose it over Fichtner eating people. At the very least I hope this serves as a wakeup call to Verbinski and Depp because the former has done nothing but bloated, boring movies for too long and the latter needs to start taking acting seriously again.

Also, has Michael Bay ever actually SEEN an Asian person before? I think he literally doesn't know that Asia actually exists. It probably wouldn't have been that hard to get an Asian actor to play Shredder either.

Daaaah Whoosh:
I mean, is it seriously THAT hard to make a solid action movie these days?

I believe this was being greenlit/made (like Man of Steel) when The Dark Knight was the big action film of the moment which meant studios went in the direction of grim and gritty. Hopefully the success of the Avengers will mean studios will see that (with its over the top action, brightness and humour) as the next big thing to copy and so not leave us in a "Dark Age" of action films.

Sad on some many levels.

Westerns are actually a good setting for a film since you can tell so many stories with that sort of back drop. But I'm willing to bet that Hollywood will take the wrong lesson if the film fails and blame Westerns for the failures instead of it being a bad film that just happens to be set in the West.

Talented actors who aren't white but we still seem stuck with the idea from some production teams that we need a white guy to play the part. Heck it might have even been a great time to give some up and coming Native American actor a shot at the big time. But no we still live in an age where some foolish production team can say let's make Shredder white because there aren't any talented Asian actors to be found anywhere on the planet.

In an age where the boyscout has been taken out of so many heroes this might have been a chance to cash in on the built up nostalgia for a pure hero, but instead it's riding the same formula and hope people aren't tired of it by now.

As someone who watched the old reruns as a child I wanted this to be a good movie, but sadly these days you don't often get what you want out of Hollywood.

Wait, the movie revolves around railroads?
I'm going to see this now.

Yeah, I think this review is fair, Bob comes off a little harsh but not inaccurate.

The movie just can't decide whether it wanted to inject some mysticism and magic into its mythos, or whether it wanted to play 'the straight man'. So what you get are a lot of weird out of place things, a lot of stock wild west villains (The Evil Railroad baron, the super creepy evil Bandit, and by the end, the 'okay with Native American Genocide' Cavalry general), and not enough SWEET WILD WEST SHOOTOUTs which is what I signed up for.

Seriously, its pretty clear that Disney wants a NEW franchise to replace PotC, they've tried Prince of Persia, John Carter, and now the Lone Ranger, and each FAIL because they...I don't know..I guess they just cookie-cut it, with a Johnny Depp silhouette.

The movie itself is just meh by the end of it. I get the rage at Johnny Depp (playing a native american), but I'll just focus on the movie itself. It had some moments that were kinda funny, until... 'oh..wait, hes weird because he has PTSD,...well thats not funny at all'.

Quite frankly, The movie needed the following:
-Allow more mysticism. Why not? Just let the horse be a 'spirit horse', let the evil bandit actually turn into a Wendigo. Make the weird things Tonto does have some magic reason behind them, rather than then end up being the quirks of a mad man. Let the crazy magic silver be crazy magic silver. You want to know what'd be more exciting than the 'wacky' blockbuster train fight ending? DOING IT WITH A SWEET CGI WENDIGO, instead of... what we got.

- Let the Lone Ranger be THE LONE RANGER, instead of basically a lucky moron.

-Drop any pretense of Love interest. You can basically remove basically every female secondary character from this movie and it'd be the same movie. Same goes for the Kid, which was awful whenever he was onscreen.

Really Bob? Stupid hat? You start by berating Depp for playing Tonto as he is a white guy and then go on to insult the crow hat thing even though thats authentic native american head gear. Its why Depp wore that, because the indians did, he took that from seeing old photos of actual native americans. Granted, im guessing it was probably more for ceremonies and not on a day to day basis, but still its authentic.

Given the fact that casting Johnny Depp as Tonto is perhaps the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas from Hollywood, I don't blame Bob for spoiling the hell out of this movie. This turd was D.O.A. from the start and I'll be glad to see this god awful misfire tank harder than Pluto Nash.

Also, hiring William Fichtner to play Shredder in the TMNT reboot... a white man playing an Asian role... now named Eric Sachs?!?

I Hate you, Michael Bay! I hate your over-hyped, military wanking-off, shaky-cam abusing, douche-bag guts with a passion of a thousand exploding suns! You better pray to your Satanic master that we never meet face to face. Because there is no jury in America that will find me guilty for what happens if and when we meet.

I feel compelled to ask:

People complained about Idris Elba playing Heimdall. They were greeted with "stop being so closed-minded! it's just a movie and Idris is a great actor."

Johnny Depp plays Tonto, and it's extremely racist. Please don't get me wrong. When I heard Idris was playing Hemidall I knew people would get offended, but I didn't see anything wrong with it. Some made the argument "what if they got a white man to play John Shaft?" and I think it's valid.

With Depp playing Tonto, I again expected this negativity, but can anyone explain the double standard?

I'm not bothered by Depp playing Tonto, and it honestly gives me pause. I ask myself "shouldn't this be something that offends you?" But then I answer myself "You weren't offended when they hired a black man to play the whitest of the gods, so why would a white man playing a native american offend you?

I had a feeling that this was going to be bad but not this bad. Anyway time to move on and look forward to next week with Pacific Rim, Please Warner Bros don't blow it!

tdylan:
I feel compelled to ask:

People complained about Idris Elba playing Heimdall. They were greeted with "stop being so closed-minded! it's just a movie and Idris is a great actor."

Johnny Depp plays Tonto, and it's extremely racist. Please don't get me wrong. When I heard Idris was playing Hemidall I knew people would get offended, but I didn't see anything wrong with it. Some made the argument "what if they got a white man to play John Shaft?" and I think it's valid.

With Depp playing Tonto, I again expected this negativity, but can anyone explain the double standard?

I'm not bothered by Depp playing Tonto, and it honestly gives me pause. I ask myself "shouldn't this be something that offends you?" But then I answer myself "You weren't offended when they hired a black man to play the whitest of the gods, so why would a white man playing a native american offend you?

The long story short is; because there are not nearly as many roles for minorities to play, and when they SHOULD get them they get handed out to, not only the 'wrong' minority, but often a Caucasian ('the majority').

Tonto is a role steeped in Native American Culture, its intrinsic to the character, you can't divorce it. So it seems very wrong to give it to a non-native American.

Now, I can't name a Native American star who puts that part of themselves up front, but i don't know if thats yet ANOTHER problem with hollywood or what.

I don't like it either way, but its the sad truth of what is happening. Besides, Johnny Depp wasn't right for this role for many other reasons than 'hes a white guy'.

tdylan:

I'm not bothered by Depp playing Tonto, and it honestly gives me pause. I ask myself "shouldn't this be something that offends you?" But then I answer myself "You weren't offended when they hired a black man to play the whitest of the gods, so why would a white man playing a native american offend you?

Heimdall was a character the actor was chosen for for the right presence and his ability. The character was also not just a walking stereotype parade about what the writers thought about white people.

Before even watching this, I knew this was going to be a negative review, because Bob usually has something to criticize when he has to spoil the movie. Usually, if he likes a movie, he doesn't want to spoil it, because he likes it and wants others to have the same experience. Honestly, though, I wasn't surprised that this movie was going to suck.

...Which makes it all the more embarrassing to see Lone Ranger figures included in Disney Infinity.

Damn Bob, you really tore into this one!
I've not heard anyone who has liked this movie thus far. Too bad I guess!

Thunderous Cacophony:
Funny, I'd heard that Johnny Depp was the only good part of the movie. Ah well, there's only a couple weeks until Pacific Rim.

I think The Lone Ranger is under the Transformers rule of "good/bad" If you are familiar with the original material and enjoyed it, then it insults, machs and/or punishes you while seemingly washes everyone else as a comedy. I can see the logic in this but I found the movie entertaining with it's disregard for psychics due to the in-movie story telling of the Lone Ranger by Tonto to a kid. Though if Tonto was a more competent sidekick/partner in the original versions then making him a slightly demented loone would be nothing short of insulting to be sure.

Oh, and by the way Bob, you already pointed out that the Green Hornet was the Lone Ranger's relative in your review of the Green Hornet movie a few years back.

tdylan:
I feel compelled to ask:

People complained about Idris Elba playing Heimdall. They were greeted with "stop being so closed-minded! it's just a movie and Idris is a great actor."

Johnny Depp plays Tonto, and it's extremely racist. Please don't get me wrong. When I heard Idris was playing Hemidall I knew people would get offended, but I didn't see anything wrong with it. Some made the argument "what if they got a white man to play John Shaft?" and I think it's valid.

With Depp playing Tonto, I again expected this negativity, but can anyone explain the double standard?

I'm not bothered by Depp playing Tonto, and it honestly gives me pause. I ask myself "shouldn't this be something that offends you?" But then I answer myself "You weren't offended when they hired a black man to play the whitest of the gods, so why would a white man playing a native american offend you?

Because a minority playing a character in an exclusively white heroes only mythos is just the movie makers giving a statement that the lack of minorities isn't because they don't think they could do the roles properly, and it's a way of doing it without getting on a soapbox about it. In the Lone Ranger's case, Tonto is one of the ONLY minorities in the whole movie, and they fill it with a rather oversaturated white actor instead of finding an actual Native American to portray him. That's removing ethnicity instead of adding it, and for no other reason than to have one famous name in your film.

As for TMNT, part of me doesn't mind it in the same way I don't mind and rather enjoyed Man of Steel. Superman is a rather blah boring character to wrap a 2 hour movie around, so changing the character a bit (and in a way that works in an alternate reality setting) gives a fresh different take on a rather tired portrayal. In TMNT's case, the entire comic was a self-parody of the comics of that time... and was then twisted into a children's cartoon, something it was never intended to be. If Bay can twist TMNT again so it's not as kiddy anymore, but leaves enough parody intact to make fun of itself, or even better to make fun of the 25 years of kiddy cartoons spawned from it... I might be okay with that.

The 90's cartoon you grew up with is not the TMNT originally. Remember that.

tdylan:
I feel compelled to ask:

People complained about Idris Elba playing Heimdall. They were greeted with "stop being so closed-minded! it's just a movie and Idris is a great actor."

Johnny Depp plays Tonto, and it's extremely racist. Please don't get me wrong. When I heard Idris was playing Hemidall I knew people would get offended, but I didn't see anything wrong with it. Some made the argument "what if they got a white man to play John Shaft?" and I think it's valid.

With Depp playing Tonto, I again expected this negativity, but can anyone explain the double standard?

I'm not bothered by Depp playing Tonto, and it honestly gives me pause. I ask myself "shouldn't this be something that offends you?" But then I answer myself "You weren't offended when they hired a black man to play the whitest of the gods, so why would a white man playing a native american offend you?

The difference is opportunities. Name a Native American Actor. Just one. Now name an Asian actor not known for a martial arts flick. Tonto could have been a big budget opportunity for a Native American Actor to make a name for himself.

Another fun bit of trivia to accompany Bob's first end credit factoid this week;

Tom Wilkinson was in both The Green Hornet and this movie.

Not much more to add, just thought i'd share that with you all. Carry on...

Captcha: "total shamble"

Oh, captcha, how apt.

And here I was expecting a World War Z review. Funnily enough, one of the big criticism I have on that one was mentioned almost literally here: Why call it World War Z, when that name will only draw attention of the fans of the book. and since most of those fans are the typical escapist-crowd, who will find out that it's nothing like the source material BEFORE buying their tickets, it'll only piss them off and make sure they don't see it. So even if the movie is good on it's own merits (the judge is still out on that one I hear), the name recognition does nothing positive for your movie. Why not make it an original movie that drops the WWZ pretense.

So no Corneal Schrider... Wow! I'm really choked up about that.

Why a white guy?
Are there no Japanese actors on Hollywood?

tdylan:
I feel compelled to ask:

People complained about Idris Elba playing Heimdall. They were greeted with "stop being so closed-minded! it's just a movie and Idris is a great actor."

Johnny Depp plays Tonto, and it's extremely racist. Please don't get me wrong. When I heard Idris was playing Hemidall I knew people would get offended, but I didn't see anything wrong with it. Some made the argument "what if they got a white man to play John Shaft?" and I think it's valid.

With Depp playing Tonto, I again expected this negativity, but can anyone explain the double standard?

I'm not bothered by Depp playing Tonto, and it honestly gives me pause. I ask myself "shouldn't this be something that offends you?" But then I answer myself "You weren't offended when they hired a black man to play the whitest of the gods, so why would a white man playing a native american offend you?

And I feel compelled to let Bob explain rather than just regurgitate his points as my own wisdom: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/the-big-picture/3183-Skin-Deep

And again Bob throws another jab at Dark Knight Rises (and Man of Steel too?)...

Oh well, I'm reading your book Bob!

Daaaah Whoosh:
I'm getting pretty tired of starting out thinking 'this movie looks stupid, but I'm sure it will at least be fun', only to have people tell me 'it's horrible, and boring'. I mean, is it seriously THAT hard to make a solid action movie these days?

Apparantly, yeah it is. It seems to be because so many blockbuster filmmakers nowadays think they have to overcomplicate every damn thing in desperate attempts to "seem smart" (by jerking the audience back and forth between a buncha nonsense) instead of just having a good old fashioned STRAIGHT FORWARD STORY with good characters and solid action sequences executed well, lest they get the dreaded title of "PREDICTABLLLLLE!!" :O :O :O

Well when you don't know what the hell's going on half the time, it's not too hard to avoid being "predictable", eh?

Film Crit Hulk took a look at this day and ages Convoluted Blockbuster scene: http://badassdigest.com/2013/06/12/film-crit-hulk-smash-the-age-of-the-convoluted-blockbuster/

The Lone Ranger shouldn't be this hard to fuck up. 90 minutes of a cowboy and his sidekick kicking bad guy butt in the Wild Wild West. You don't need TWO AND A HALF HOURS of overly grim murder, random voodoo/supernatural elements that come right the fuck out of nowhere, and misplaced slapstick to let your scene-stealing side character mug for the camera during tonal-whiplashing times (that again, just take away time from who we SHOULD be caring about more, your main freakin character). This bloated piece of nonsense looked like a trainwreck from the trailers, and surprise surprise, it was a trainwreck.

That's why I think so many people are looking forward to Pacific Rim. It looks fucking SIMPLE and STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.

Problem? Monsters from the sea attacking the world.
What do about it? Build robots to fight em off.

Cool. Got it. Let's go develop this story/these characters in a sensible way now. Don't waste my time trying (and mostly failing) to overexplain every single little insignificant detail/throw me for a buncha stupid loops for the sake of stupid loops. Stop trying so hard to prove how "smart" or "deep" you are in increasingly dumber/superficially ways and just tell me a fucking story that'll resonate with me. Kthanx.

Guillermo himself preaches for simplicity, too, and has criticize Hollywood for the same thing Film Crit Hulk is talking about in the link above.

And just for another recent example....

"Wow. I'm surprised how crap The Lone Ranger seems to have turned out." - No one. Ever.

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