Zero Punctuation: Dark

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Dark

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Dark.

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Welp. Never eating eclairs again.

Despite feeling about as favorably-inclined towards vampire games as zombie games (at least vampires are slightly less overused) I would have liked another game as good as Bloodlines. A pity Dark suffered in overall quality of the thing, but then the devil always is in the implementation.

Ah well, it's apparently not on the PC anyway, so I wouldn't have played it. Oh wait, yes it is. Sorry, I should have looked before I wrote that, but I assumed with a name like, "Dark" that googling it would have been impossible.

There's something really nice about these reviews of terrible games.

It's really kind of freeing to know that this game is just simply not something I will play. Takes a load off my mind (or pretends to)

And I didn't even like Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines, so shitty version of that definitely doesn't appeal.

And the cum-filled-bumhole award for this years 'Worst of' list was born.

It's a real shame that this has turned out to be a turd, I saw this on a shelf before I saw any review material for it and I was honestly intrigued, I really like the Masquerade P&P game back in the day.

Oh well.

Also, this gameplay sounds exactly like what I think Ryse will be, and I'm calling that to be the first major fucking letdown of the next console generation.

Also also, we're getting half baked bollocks on a tray, but no Timesplitters 4?

Society has failed us all.

You mentioned Vampire the Masquerade.

As per the rules of the internet, I must now post this image.

image

Not me though.

No.

I already have it installed :D

Switches in gaming culture can't get much dimmer, Yahtzee old chap.

You know what would be brilliant? If they had the guy go to the vampire night club and they tell him he's a vampire and stuff but he keeps getting his ass kicked and then late in the game, he meets those vampires again and they say, "We were just messing with you. You're not really a vampire." That would be hilarious.

I had no idea this game even existed..

Having now found out about it, I want nothing further to do with it.

Hey Yahtzee
If you're reading this, how about you do one of them indie game roundup reviews you occasionally do. Would be a welcome change of pace from all these shitty AAA titles coming out these days.

Yes, one could talk like they are going through a dialogue tree. I prefer the Metal Gear method, where one takes up to two words mentioned in the previous sentence and repeats it, but as a question.

"I just bought a new entertainment system for my living room."
"Entertainment system?"

Heh, got some genuine laughs out of me that time.

Also, mentions of VTM:B, which was awesome...with the right mods.

Daystar Clarion:

Is that pic from the park? What good is the 38 sepcial there, I wonder?

Played it, was ok, nothing special. 20 worth of game at a push.

Well they were going to add more substance but they couldn't get more funding.
Turns out being Dark really does mean you have bad credit!

the antithesis:
Switches in gaming culture can't get much dimmer, Yahtzee old chap.

You know what would be brilliant? If they had the guy go to the vampire night club and they tell him he's a vampire and stuff but he keeps getting his ass kicked and then late in the game, he meets those vampires again and they say, "We were just messing with you. You're not really a vampire." That would be hilarious.

That could be hilarious indeed.

When are you going to do that retro review of VtmB, Yahtzee?

ahhh VtmB.. I've always wondered why Yahtzee hasn't talked about it, he should do a retroreview at some point. It's a shame about Dark, I thought it had potential. Alas, it seems like a pretty rushed, unbalanced game trying to imitate a far superior one. I mean a vampire who's melee attack gets interrupt by the human enemy melee? You can't use guns? What kind of a pussy vampire do you play as.

If they called him Edward, that would have made more sense :).

Wow, you are having to sail the waves of shitstorm terribleness of late. Is this your punishment for making a lot of Last of Us fans cry? The gods are a petty and vindictive bunch.

this was hilarious xD I was laughing so hard at the video game dialogue trees part cuz I've thought about that a lot after playing through the Mass Effect series
one of the better ones admittedly, but still applies haha

I've been itching for a good vampire game ever since Bloodline, and had hopes for this one, but after looking at several reviews, I see that I should probably skip it.

Can anyone recommend good vampire games other than the Vampire: The Masquerade games and the Legacy of Kain games?

Daystar Clarion:
You mentioned Vampire the Masquerade.

As per the rules of the internet, I must now post this image.

image

Not me though.

No.

I already have it installed :D

You just took the Deus Ex meme and changed it to Bloodlines. I do agree that there's a certain similarity between them. I love both of them very much.

Daystar Clarion:
You mentioned Vampire the Masquerade.

As per the rules of the internet, I must now post this image.

image

Not me though.

No.

I already have it installed :D

Oh man. I WOULD install it again, but then I'd have to find the patch again...

<.<
>.>
Stop tempting me!

Zeles:
snip

You mean this patch?

Now go forth! Go forth and create Malkavians like everyone else does because they're the most fun to play!

I just wanna say I love his quick visual representation of the Vampire Rules in Vampire Masquerade. Some Bela Lugosi mother fucker holding a gun under his chin and laughing sums it up perfectly.

I'm getting the impression that Yahtzee liked Vampire: the Masquerade: Bloodlines.

>TELL ME MORE ABOUT VAMPIRE: THE MASQUERADE: BLOODLINES

All I knew about it was that it was the first game to license the Source engine. And that Valve's insistance that the release be delayed until after Half-Life 2 had come out, which itself was delayed a full year, led the developer to go bankrupt. Probably the only time a developer working with Activision has managed to be screwed over by someone other than Activision.

Daystar Clarion:
You mentioned Vampire the Masquerade.

As per the rules of the internet, I must now post this image.

image

Not me though.

No.

I already have it installed :D

I was just thinking about doing that...

I really like it when Yahtzee manages to be funny enough to seriously me laugh out loud, and not just occasionally snort or breathe loudly out my nose.

Oh man. The segment about the home entertainment center was fantastic.

O'm totally going to do that talk to someone at a party like i'm a video game protagonist
"Tell me more about red stripe"

I enjoyed Yahtzee's review for 'Dark' and so will YOU :D

I was going to say "i loved the ending of this video," but I worry that doing so would imply that I enjoy fellating opaque phalli.

It's a bit sad, really, because if they'd really been into Vampire: the Masquerade - Bloodlines, and done what it did well, while improving on what VtM:B did poorly . . . I would have bought it up right away. I'd love to have a game made by someone that really liked VtM:B, and really put some effort into it. For all the bugs and flaws, VtM:B was a game a couldn't help but love. Dark, on the other hand, sounds like a game I can't help but avoid at all costs.

Is this the last Zero Punctuation? I don't see Zero Punctuation under the videos tab anymore.

For anyone who has not yet been convinced to re-download/buy VtM:B, I would just like to remind/inform you that it contains:

A mission in which you fight a ninja stripper vampire hunter.
A boss who fights you by whacking you with his own severed arm.
The Malchavian, whose story is completely incomprehensible if it's your first playthrough, but is the most clever, hilarious, and logical character in the whole game if you already understand the story.

Just, you know, get the patch. Cause you kind of need that.

The only sad thing about this hilarious review is that watching it will be about the only entertainment anyone will get from this complete herpes encrusted bumhole of a game.

That this game exists lead me to play VtM:B again, did you know it also has a "final nights" mod where you can play outsider clans. It is a delight!

But yes this game "dark" really only seems to exist to show you that there are better games. Better stealth games ,better vampire games .. in overal better games. Dark isn't the worst game sure but it is so inept at times :! That and its vampire powers are weak, seriously weak! You are a vampire, a bad ass and guess what even normal guards can shoot you to hell. Ahum, at least in VtM:B you could pounce them and suck them dry. Or make them insane, ah the joy. Hehehe!

Daystar Clarion:

Zeles:
snip

You mean this patch?

Now go forth! Go forth and create Malkavians like everyone else does because they're the most fun to play!

Not in a first play through though play something else. Your virgin play of VtM:B should not be malkavian they are to awesome for that. After that come back to malkavians and giggle in utter delight.

Yes back to Dark. Eh, neither a good stealth title nor a good vampire title. What does that leaves you with?

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