I Wrote That Crap (For America!)

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I Wrote That Crap (For America!)

As you'll gather, my attempts to mine current events for sellable screenwriting were... less than successful. Because, as we've established, something is profoundly wrong with me.

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No Bob, we won't stop you; You want to tell us about terrible screenplays and we enjoy hearing about them. If you want to tell us about someone else's work, we won't mind.

On the other hand, I wouldn't say you're poisoning your chances at making real movies: Warlock sounds like a possible C-movie.

I kind of want to see the first and third, maybe even the second if I was altered to show Icebreaker for the jerk he was rather than celebrating his "this is because of mixed signals attitude", from what Bob says of Pain and Gain I can imagine Michael Bay directing iit (Icebreaker)

The first idea was similar to the plot of Salt, only Bob's makes more sense. I assume because in the early 2000s we still expected scripts to at least attempt to have a cohesive narrative?

The second one has that kind of sudden genre/tone shift that can be really awesome if done well, but most of the time turns out really, really poorly.

The third one reminds me of the novel Shadow Ops: Control Point (basically, about a US special forces unit of wizard-soldiers).

I read the intro to "Icebreaker" and the very first thing that came to mind was Dane Cook's "My Best Friend's Girl", then the whole "Confusing Modern Woman" deal led to "Hitch." So yeah, leave out the military action thing and you've combined two star-vehicle films into one reasonable-sounding story.

The third one also sounds interesting if it had focus - never crossed my mind to combine pagan-spiritualism with secular machismo.

Icebreaker, initially, did not sound too bad of an idea. The part that turned me off completely was the part where the CIQ (character in question) was framed for murder and has to save the US. I'm thinking if Bob continued to work on the parts after the CIQ was beaten up for reals (like, if he was hospitalized and his love interest came to visit wanting an explanation as to why he got beaten up, he confesses that he was the Icebreaker jerk... know what? This is getting too cliche, so I'll stop), as opposed to the whole action parts that would seem shoehorned in even to the most braindead of moviegoers, I think this would have been a decent idea for a rom-com.

The other two films... Bob had to be stoned while thinking up those ideas. I could not read the synopses of either without a straight face.

Excuse me while I repeatedly elbow myself in the groin for saying "rom-com".

I have to admit...The Sleeper sounds like a pretty interesting idea. One that I'd want to watch actually. The rest....well, they sound rather silly and straight to video-ish.

Man. Icebreaker sure went off the rails there at the end, didn't it?

Bob, what are you talking about? These movies sound awesome!

The confusing modern woman thing kinda reminds me of this talk I had with my sister; she said "dude, girls don't know what they want. You'll have to watch yourself."

Icebreaker kinda sounds like if Hideo Kojima made Catherine.

I'm glad you explained the logic behind "Icebreaker" being the name of an action hero, because otherwise I would have had no clue how you went from the premise to the guy having to save the world. I actually kind of like the idea of a work of fiction exploring the possibility of a "hey you, get your damn hands off her" guy for hire. Maybe not as the lead, but he sounds like some one-off character I might run into in a webcomic or modern sitcom. Hell, someone like that would fit right in with the sorts of weirdos they've had on Arrested Development.

The first movie probably could have worked, at the time, and even been well regarded, provided that you replaced the climax with something less stupid.

Sleeper and American Warlock both sound really good.
Sleeper, in particular, could be like an action movie version of American Dreamz. I'd see it just to look at the faces pulled by those morons on Fox when it comes out. As per A.W., I don't think that the combination of those themes is weird at all. If anything, it could be an amazing cross over film.
Either way, I love these articles Bob, and for the most part, I love your ideas.

Hillarious Bob, simply hillarious!

Vault Citizen:
I kind of want to see the first and third, maybe even the second if I was altered to show Icebreaker for the jerk he was rather than celebrating his "this is because of mixed signals attitude", from what Bob says of Pain and Gain I can imagine Michael Bay directing iit (Icebreaker)

You know the funny thing? There is actually a movie with almost the exact premise (premise, not plot) of Icebreaker from 2008 called My Best Friend's girl. I was very surprised he didn't point that out. From what I've heard of it, though, it would seem Bob's version might have been way more interesting. Apparently some Hollywood executive nicked the script while he wasn't looking.

Machine Man 1992:
Icebreaker kinda sounds like if Hideo Kojima made Catherine.

That is freaking fantastic. I was thinking it sounded like Michael Bay making My Best Friend's Girl.

Oh, and Bob... if I ever see that 3rd movie on SyFy channel, I'll know who to blame.

As for the 1st movie, Sleeper... I was getting a real 'The Siege' vibe from it, not a bad thing, until it went off the rails at the end with the over-the-top stuff. That same script, minus the 90's fight scenes, with a modified ending where his love interest is killed by the big bad in NY then it skips ahead a few months to him having went to Afghanistan to track down the guy, now all epic-beard-of-sorrow'd, and concludes with him frantically tracking then chasing him through the fall of Kabul or battle of Kandahar... I could see Ridley Scott putting butts into seats with that circa 2004. Hell, you could even add the modern liberal angle by having it finally end with him settling the score, but being picked up by ISAF and renditioned anyway because of his present location on the battlefield and past associations actually biting him in the ass.

Bob, stop being so hard on yourself, these movie ideas sound crazy-awesome! Hell, these sound better than almost every other "current event inspired" flick from Hollywood. I'm talking about the ones that say the REAL bad guy is the Government or the U.S. Military (and I think you reviewed and eviscerated some of those, too). To me, that stuff doesn't reflect the viewing public's paranoia, they foster it.

Falseprophet:
The first idea was similar to the plot of Salt, only Bob's makes more sense. I assume because in the early 2000s we still expected scripts to at least attempt to have a cohesive narrative?

Ha ha! Zing!

The Sleeper has already been made and made much better, its called Traitor and stars Don Cheadle.

The Sleeper was made really well, as a TV Series called Sleeper Cell (not the same backstory but similar themes).

I would totally watch The Sleeper if it was made; it seems perfect to walk the line between "tongue-in-cheek" and "jokingly-sincere"

Okay Bob, you win this time. There is absolutely nothing on that list I would even remotely consider paying money to see, not even for unintended comedy value. :D

Actually, if you reworked Sleeper to basically *remove* the action, you could have a really tense thriller on your hands.

Thunderous Cacophony:
No Bob, we won't stop you; You want to tell us about terrible screenplays and we enjoy hearing about them. If you want to tell us about someone else's work, we won't mind.

On the other hand, I wouldn't say you're poisoning your chances at making real movies: Warlock sounds like a possible C-movie.

You would have to get me drunk to even think that last one was a good idea...

Bob, I think the first one would be an awesome movie (save the grenade roundhouse kicks and such in Kabul). But yeah, the other two kinda sucked. I think its manly because they were a combination of two things that should have never gone together...

Not gonna lie, I really wanna see Sleeper.
It sounds amazing.
Make it bob.
Make it now.

On the bright side, Icebreaker was a good enough idea to be a gag in Frasier one time.

I love them all and you love you more for having read these.

I especially liked this line:

In the story, a Hot Goth Chick (there was one or more of these featured prominently in every damn thing I was writing at the time)

Because I work with a lot of people that make movies and I don't know any of them who don't have their personal idosyncrasies like this. It's refreshing if someone's aware of their own. I hope this doesn't stop you from adding hot goth chicks to your screenplays.

If anyone wants proof of that, watch the exquisite project from olde english. You might remember these folks from one of the early viral videos before viral video was a word. Here's the movie: http://vimeo.com/41669721

Here's their old viral 'gym class': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i0_OE4yFLc

I got a little of track. I just wanted to say I liked the ideas. I hope you read this, moviebob. If you did, pm me 'macaroni', so that I know, in a walking into the sunset kinda way.

I can see this on a business card:
Bob 'MovieBob' Chipman
something is profoundly wrong with me
555-1234

Back on topic; are these screenplays fully fledged scripts or just treatments/pitches?

I would absolutely watch Sleeper.

#3 sounded interesting. But...having been Pagan/Wiccan at one point, DON'T call the movie "WarlocK." A male witch is still a witch. Warlock comes from Scottish Gaelic and means "Oathbreaker". Not the kind of thing you want to imply...

I think the sleeper definitely has potential.

I'm pretty sure you'd have to abandon the karate kicking grenades action B movie stuff near the end though. I think the subject and tone would conflict too much.

I think having a Muslim American hero is a fantastic idea but you'd probably need to avoid it being too campy, it'd seem insincere.

I'm not gonna lie, I reckon American Warlock has potential to be a great action-comedy or even modern action-fantasy; sure it needs to be tightened up and tweaked but I think it has a solid baseline to work with.

Sleeper would likewise be awesome, but I'd eschew the roundhouse kicking grenades for a lengthier montage on the hows and whys of him rejecting his old ideology and embracing his new one, but having the climactic battle happen around an actual military engagement would be an interesting twist.

Honestly, Bob, your ideas have potential if given the right frame of mind. Your Sleeper concept would work best if played straight rather than an 80s action flick. Some like your killer Beavers pitch would work best as a dark comedy like Black Sheep.

First makes no sense, who would like to live in USA? It's like, the worst first world country lol

Oh yeah, for someone from the Middle East is an improvement at least.

Haha, the sheer amount of military pole jocking in these movie ideas is pretty funny. I guess that you had a lot of friends in the military at the time of this and I notice you still have a bit of that hero worship going on in some of your other reviews. Keep 'em coming, fascinating stuff.

Well, after having read your pitch for Icebreaker... Sheesh, no wonder you've gone so far in the opposite direction now.

Now then... the full treatment for the Warlock movie is, well, every bit as awful as you realize it is, but the core concept actually has some promise.

Definitely liking 1 and 3 probably more than I should. Teenage me would have been all over 3 if for no other reason than hot goth girl.

Machine Man 1992:

Icebreaker kinda sounds like if Hideo Kojima made Catherine.

Metaphor of the year, right there.

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