Don't Blame Games, Blame Pants

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Don't Blame Games, Blame Pants

I don't care if you're a bleeding-heart liberal or a conservative redneck, you too can be gunned down in public if we don't unite now and do something about pants in our society.

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I'm glad to see that someone else has finally realized the evil of pants. That is why, for several years, I've refused to dress myself in the garb of murderers and gone pants-less both at work and in my spare time.
Sadly, not everyone appreciates my efforts...

So what do you suggest? We wear silly little shorts in our day to day adventures?

Bravo sir. I approve of this crusade against the denim (and corduroy and cotton, etc, etc) menace.

'tis truly the only way to stop violent outbreaks.

Anyone who purchases pants should have to have themselves instated into a national Pants registry.

Good thing I wear them less often than I play video games! (Make of that what you will.)

I agree whole heartedly.
I personally make it a goal to where pants as little as possible.

During the week unfortunately, thanks to societal pressure I have to wear them for about 8 hours a day, while I'm at work - let me tell you with all the stress of having pants on not going on an office killing-spree takes more and more effort every day. Is it a coincidence that I'm wearing pants the entire time? I don't think so.

Once I get home though and can finally take my pants off I find it much easier to cool down.

The weekends are usually easier to get through without pants, but occasionally I have to go to the grocery store and the stress of having pants on again makes want to go on a rampage, not because that jerk who stole a parking spot before I could pull in to it, or the parents who can't keep their kids from running all over the place, but because pants - how do I know this - because again, once I get home I take off my pants and I feel fine again.

Indisputable anecdotal evidence to back up your claims.
Your arguments are now iron clad!

I haven't this good a laugh in a long time, very well written and enjoyable.

It never fails to amaze me that something so basic that its in most university 100 courses (that correlation does not equal causation) is so completely forgotten or dismissed by so called "experts". If you have a college degree this should not be an issue up for debate.

As compelling as this evidence is, I know the TRUE secret of mass murders: dihydrogen monoxide. Yes, every murderer throughout time has been addicted to dihydrogen monoxide. Armies make troops carry containers of dihydrogen monoxide. If we were to abolish this dangerous chemical, all murder, nay, ALL CRIME would be stopped within a week!

So glad you're back, Shamus; it saddens me to see Experienced Points on the schedule but not to have an article.

So the Scots were right all along!

Today I remembered that I consider using the term 'pants' as a substitute word for anything very hilarious.

Isn't pants also underwear, in certain parts of the world? And of course all of this requires regulation! We should regulate pants and underwear! How else will we stem this terrible tide!

I think we should all start a trend for #cureforpants
we need to put an end to it now!

a valid and well-versed argument, Mr. Swi- I mean Young

Hey, screw you Shamous! I need my pants to keep people from looking at my hairy legs! And if we start shortening pants length where will it end? Next thing you know it, everyone will be out and about in their underwear, or just go butt naked! No, I say we keep our pants on our legs and blame a recent form of entertainment instead!

Seriously, has there ever been at least one properly made argument (you know, one that shows actual research, quotes scientists in good standing in their field, cites it's sources and so on...) that shows a link between playing video games and increase in violence? Because I sure as hell can't find any!

I just like how Shamus skirts around the issue.
(I'll show myself out now)

The idea that video games cause mass shootings is pretty dumb, but this wasn't the greatest piece of satire. There are at least studies showing that violent games cause an increase in aggression. You know, the same way that sports do, so that's hardly a good argument that they turn you into a killer. But it is at least some kind of connection.

The point here seems to be that anyone thinking there's a connection between violence and video games is "pants on head" retarded or something. That's not really a great way to engage with the other side, who aren't completely made of of moron. If you didn't grow up playing video games it wouldn't be surprising to think that all that gore could be a bad idea.

I would like to further point out that 100% of those pant-wearing mass shooters were MALE!

Furthermore, 97% of them are pant-wearing WHITE males.

Obviously, the way to curtail gun violence is to enforce a No-Pant Rule for all white men.

99% of teens play video games? The obvious solution is to ban teenagers. Nobody likes them anyway.

The link between pants and violence has been understood for centuries. Every major military in the world has made pants a part of their uniform, even for women. There is not a single army that wears short-shorts, boxers, ball gowns, or miniskirts into battle. It's pants. It's always pants. Horrible, blood-soaked murder pants.

I beg to differ. True Scotsmen clearly wear miniskirts marching into battle, and they seem to be some of the most murderous beings. I know because I've seen Braveheart myself.

Romans also wore skirts, and they conquered most of Europe.

I'm also almost certain that Hitler wore a skirt and suspenders in private.

So the Scots were right all along!

Weren't the Scots like the most violent and brutal of the various Britons back in the day when kilts were invented?

Just saying.

You know, my friend named his one of his Turians "Pants" in Mass Effect 3's multiplayer, and I thought that Turian was an okay guy. How wrong I was makes me feel very sad.

Queen Michael:
I'm glad to see that someone else has finally realized the evil of pants. That is why, for several years, I've refused to dress myself in the garb of murderers and gone pants-less both at work and in my spare time.
Sadly, not everyone appreciates my efforts...

You and me both, my friend. You and me both.

So when did The Onion start writing for The Escapist? I like this change ;)

Well played and well written, Mr. Young. Your satire is spot-on.

i'll have you know i've worn pants for many years and i have only murdered 16 people. i find your claims baseless and offensive sir.

This is not even counting the fact that great intellectual figures like Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates all thought pants were symbols of barbarism and in their enlightened perspective abstained entirely from the practice of wearing pants.

Hang on a second... I'm wearing pants right now! I better fix this before things get too dangerous.

At work, pants are a required part of my uniform. Yet, when I was able to wear shorts one time, and I was more productive than I had ever been.

When I'm not at work, I'm not as stressed out. It must be because I'm not wearing pants.

I solemnly swear that I will never wear pants in public again. I never knew that my khakis were discreetly nudging me towards going "No Russian" every time I entered a public space. Thank Akatosh I've never worn full-length leggings under my pants, or I may not have been able to restrain myself.


The above statement is meant in jest and is not to be taken seriously by any overly sensitive, humorless citizens or overzealous prosecutors.

This is just ridiculous, not everyone who wears pants is going to kill someone. Adults are generally mature enough to be able to wear them without incident.

The real problem lies with irresponsible parents buying them for their kids without educating themselves on the dangers. That and the way that they've been marketed towards children. You know they make these things in children's sizes now?

I've always argued it could be something on TV, or something they do in their free time, like taxidermy. Maybe too many Law and Order reruns leads to bloodshed?

Fortunately, I'm glad this discovery has been made duly broadcast. I know I won't be wearing pants ever again.

Satire is delicious. This man could be the next Stephen Colbert.

As we know from another popular Escapist series (found here: ), pants were developed (or should I say redeveloped) for the purpose of war. So their involvement in shootings is not all that surprising.

Every citizen has a right to have access to a pair of pants should he or she be attacked and need to kill in self defense. Hands off our pants!

According to LRR, no pant = no rules, DO YOU WANT ANARCHY?

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