Zero Punctuation: Call of Duty: Ghosts

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This review is why i will never play a call of duty game ever again, unless it somehow manages to be better then 4

josh4president:
But what about the multiplayer, Yahtzee?

He's pretty much said before that he hates and won't review MP and I don't blame him since it's subjective to the server and people you play with

I picked up a paperback copy of Jam awhile back but never finished reading it. I'll probably get the audiobook though since I can just do whatever while Yahtzee does all the work of reading it to me.

I had to laugh at the joke about outsourcing weapons development to Megatron, because NERD ALERT he gets most of his weapons from Shockwave, who secretly plots against him to takeover leading the Decepticons. END NERD ALERT

OT: very funny video, disappointed there's a LACK of much playing with the dog. Bit of a rip-off, I say. Scuba dog would have been son CUTE!
And I would buy JAM: The Audiobook if it had the same soundtrack as that stinger.

Most of the Pokemon villains seem to be more realistic than CoD villains/storylines nowadays. It's like some sort of Team Tortilla from an incredibly racist fanfiction. It'll sell a billion and CoDbros will be all "play it for the multiplayer duh". But like Yahtzee the prospect of making an entire game based off of multiplayer to me is just... no. TF2 being the only possible exception, and even that was only an obsession that lasted a few months before it got too annoying.

If Jam is read in that same tone the entire book, I'll probably pick up the audiobook version.

I will say that Yahtzee does a hell of a better job promoting his books than Movie Bob ("BUY MY BOOK!")

Just so you know: The CoD story is based on one of the white papers that the DoD uses to justify its budget. These are pretty much military fanfiction based on stuff like 'what if ALL South America hates us at once' or 'China invades Japan'.

Another way to put it:
Research papers are sex
Editorials are porn
White papers are alone time behind a locked door

Zachary Amaranth:
Brown people from our south attacking us with our own infrastructure sounds like someone played perfectly into that paranoid mess.

Its kind of troubling, really, considering how badly this series has evolved. At least in BlOps2 everyone belonged to some species of dick. This plot sounds like it was written by the White Guy Defence Force.

JoJo:
I don't know. Have you heard his Willem Dafoe screenplay? <.<

DAAAAAAADEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH

erttheking:
Wait a minute WHAT!? Orbital missile platforms? Did Activision miss the part where those were outlawed by the Geneva Convention? That's a freaking war crime waiting to happen right there! And who exactly is the US going to nuke? This all coming from a freaking American!

It's not the first war crime shown in the CoD franchise, but it is one of the most glaring ones.

Funny thing though, while I read your post I swear I could hear a very very faint "MAAAAH SECONDD AMENNDMENT".

South America? Seriously?

And I thought those North Korea invasion plots were the dumbest thing I had ever hear-

Actually yeah, no. They're still the dumbest.

Again with people complaining that Yahtzee doesn't review COD Multiplayer.

1) He's stated numerous times that he doesn't play multiplayer unless he's absolutely forced to by contract (Diablo III, SimCity 5) because it's incredibly repetitive. He seems to dislike any kind of grind and what is multiplayer if not that?

2) He lives in Australia; spelled b-a-d-i-n-t-e-r-n-e-t-c-o-n-n-e-c-t-i-o-n. I can't remember where, but I seem to recall him stating that on the best of days, he gets a laggy connection to a few dozen people and the furthest away is New Zealand. This is COD, a game that relies entirely upon twitches. It takes very few bullets to kill you and the guns fire very fast. It's hardly an unknown fact that the best internet connection wins in COD in the Western hemisphere. Imagine what it would be like for him online.

EDIT

Regarding the story; some people here are saying that IW and Treyarch et al should remove the story section and it will solve all the problems. It sounds like the issues are deeper than that. If the stories really do have all these undertones to them, it's far more troubling than simply having a vestigial option.

"WHURR'S THE BURRTH CURRTIFICATE" made me laugh hard enough that I started coughing things up. Well done, Mr. Croshaw.

Is anyone really suprised that this is essentially the same game as the previous half dozen? The more suprising story here is that someone got Yahtzee to play CoD, I can't imagine he was best pleased at having to review this.

Also how early does the dog get killed? They went on about they're amazing dog-based tech for this game so much I had assumed it would actually be a core part of the game or at least present for the majority of it.

does anyone actual play the CoD storey mode?
cause i've never mean anyone online or otherwise how claims to like the story.

appart from reviewers obviously

gjkbgt:
does anyone actual play the CoD storey mode?
cause i've never mean anyone online or otherwise how claims to like the story.

appart from reviewers obviously

I play Call of Duty for it's campaign before multiplayer. I enjoy most of them (well IW games haven't been good since 4) and it really seems like they try to put work into it.

SILENTrampancy:
Well, who the hell buys CoD for singleplayer anymore?

Enough people to justify continuing to make it, apparently. Why Activision and EA can't just take a cue from Counter-Strike and make their games multiplayer-only I don't know. Maybe there's some stipulation in Microsoft and Sony's certification rules that say that some significant part of sold-on-a-disc games has to be playable without an Internet connection.

erttheking:
Wait a minute WHAT!? Orbital missile platforms? Did Activision miss the part where those were outlawed by the Geneva Convention? That's a freaking war crime waiting to happen right there! And who exactly is the US going to nuke? This all coming from a freaking American!

It's not even just "waiting to happen"; he mentioned that you actually get to use it towards the end of the game. Why you would have any cause to do that, I can't begin to imagine.

Zachary Amaranth:

Jman1236:
Seriousally south america invades the US? I call BS!

You know how zombies were originally an analogue for black people? Well, maybe you don't, but early zombies, before they were a commentary on commercialism or republicans or whatever else the writer wants to call mindless, they were an analgoe for black people. There was this fear that black people were going to take us by storm in the US, and America would be ruined by having....Slightly higher melanin in the skin? I don't know.

I suspect this plays off the fear that 'Mexicans,' because pretty much anyone to the South of the US is called that it seems, are invading us and destroying America. I mean, you'd have to ignore the numbers, where the number of illegals is no longer increasing (and may actually be decreasing, depending on the source), but people seem happy to do it. If you believe Fox News, it's a miracle they haven't completely overrun the South and Southwest. And, because Fox wouldn't be Fox without race baiting, all those imaginary brown people seem to have some sinister plan to destroy America from within.

Brown people from our south attacking us with our own infrastructure sounds like someone played perfectly into that paranoid mess.

Basically, zombies became a thing in America based on the premise that black people are scary.

MMS would probably be a thing, period, but I'm sure cashing in on the notion that brown people are scary isn't hurting anyone's wallet.

Speaking of Mexicans, what about all those nations (including some small colonies of major European powers) would all be completely happy with South America going through them to send troops to the USA? Just from an economic standpoint, the US gives a fair amount of aid and is one of the largest trading partner to all of them. Also, between the mountains, deserts, odd currents in the sea, invading through LAtin America has to be a logistical nightmare.

Yahtzee is really at his best when he's reviewing a game that truly deserves a beating. That way he doesn't have to force himself to nitpick all the little things wrong with the game to fulfill what he perceives to be his fanbase's expectations. That, or his contract mandates a certain quota of hatred and forbids him to outright say "I liked this game a bunch" more than twice a year. Anyhow, there certainly doesn't seem to be a game more worthy of hate than CoD: Spooky Ghosts.

South America? Really? Surely the last thing they need is a war. I guess it just goes to show that you can only make modern shooters for so long before you run out of viable enemies. Ghosts 2 should have the opposing military force consist of all the widowed Russian, Arab, South American, and whatever else nationality women coming to take revenge for all the previous Call of Duties.

gjkbgt:
does anyone actual play the CoD storey mode?
cause i've never mean anyone online or otherwise how claims to like the story.

appart from reviewers obviously

If no one plays the single player why would they waste all that money on it? As shit as it is: It's never an insignificant expense to add a story mode...Unless you're some fighting games.

The Last Melon:
Does anyone else find that the JAM excerpts were a little slow and, uh, monotone? I'm hoping that the actual audiobook is a little more dramatic.

Yes. It was monotonous. Sounded like he wasn't even the author of the book, just some random voice actor brought in to complete the whole thing in one agonizingly long take, his disinterest palpable as he enunciated each word with just enough effort to get picked up by the microphone.

Guess they didn't get him coked-up enough before putting him in front of the mic, unlike with the Mogworld audiobook promo.

As a Canadian, I have this to say.

Why the hell have we not been cast as evil supervillains with a long range Freeze Ray superweapon yet?! It would be so much better than "random nearby continent in trouble hijacks US superweapons!".

Think about it! That would be a hilarious plot! It might actually get me to BUY one of these games, even though I loathe the modern military genre (outside of Spec Ops).

Captha: Forget this.

NO I WILL NOT FORGET THIS CAPTCHA! THIS IS A BRILLIANT AND AWESOME IDEA! >: o

Ken_J:
You know I think I might give Jam a try.

Oh, I'm sorry. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm...

It's actually a decent book, I didn't like it as much as Mogworld, but then again, I heard the audio book version of Mogworld which might have been the reason why I liked it more.

It's strange though... I was thinking about it earlier today when he was going to make an audio book of Jam and I was even considering sending him a message about it. Well, question answered and I am getting my Audible credit in 5 days so my week's looking pretty great.

OT: I loved this one... because of the ad for Jam I kinda lost focus on what he said in his review, but yeah, we all knew that dog was going to die and it was going to be "emotional". It's great to see the plot's getting dumber though.

josh4president:
But what about the multiplayer, Yahtzee?

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say; same as last but with a dog.

OT: yeah, thats a lot of vitriol. Well deserved I'd say. I really...uff...nevermind. I cant even muster being exasperated with people for buying this stuff.

Edit:

aegix drakan:
As a Canadian, I have this to say.

Why the hell have we not been cast as evil supervillains with a long range Freeze Ray superweapon yet?! It would be so much better than "random nearby continent in trouble hijacks US superweapons!".

Think about it! That would be a hilarious plot! It might actually get me to BUY one of these games, even though I loathe the modern military genre (outside of Spec Ops).

Captha: Forget this.

NO I WILL NOT FORGET THIS CAPTCHA! THIS IS A BRILLIANT AND AWESOME IDEA! >: o

I think it might be because;

1: You're mostly white? (I guess? Dont really know)

2: You're too nice. As far as I know Canada has a reputation of being extremely friendly. I really couldn't picture you invading anything. This might be just american "propaganda" though, I dont really know that much about Canada.

I think the problem here would be that Yahtzee played this game for the actual main story not the multiplayer.
As of late COD singeplayer modes are just prolonged tutorials of the multiplayer. Not to mention the ending pretty much sets everyone up for a Ghost 2.

Zachary Amaranth:

You know how zombies were originally an analogue for black people? Well, maybe you don't, but early zombies, before they were a commentary on commercialism or republicans or whatever else the writer wants to call mindless, they were an analgoe for black people. There was this fear that black people were going to take us by storm in the US, and America would be ruined by having....Slightly higher melanin in the skin? I don't know.

I suspect this plays off the fear that 'Mexicans,' because pretty much anyone to the South of the US is called that it seems, are invading us and destroying America. I mean, you'd have to ignore the numbers, where the number of illegals is no longer increasing (and may actually be decreasing, depending on the source), but people seem happy to do it. If you believe Fox News, it's a miracle they haven't completely overrun the South and Southwest. And, because Fox wouldn't be Fox without race baiting, all those imaginary brown people seem to have some sinister plan to destroy America from within.

Brown people from our south attacking us with our own infrastructure sounds like someone played perfectly into that paranoid mess.

Basically, zombies became a thing in America based on the premise that black people are scary.

MMS would probably be a thing, period, but I'm sure cashing in on the notion that brown people are scary isn't hurting anyone's wallet.

Originally no. Originally zombies were a superstition from African voodoo folklore.

Although the concept I guess is pretty similar to vampire folklore as well.

If the next COD game's story revolved around the Tea Party taking over the US and having to fight them I would buy instantly.

So... You don't play as a dog much, then? And your only interaction with people is biting them to death?

Right, no sale, Activision. I was looking forward to being all soft and lovely, wooing Brazilian stormtroopers to make them pet me and give me their meat rations.

tzimize:

josh4president:
But what about the multiplayer, Yahtzee?

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say; same as last but with a dog.

OT: yeah, thats a lot of vitriol. Well deserved I'd say. I really...uff...nevermind. I cant even muster being exasperated with people for buying this stuff.

Edit:

aegix drakan:
As a Canadian, I have this to say.

Why the hell have we not been cast as evil supervillains with a long range Freeze Ray superweapon yet?! It would be so much better than "random nearby continent in trouble hijacks US superweapons!".

Think about it! That would be a hilarious plot! It might actually get me to BUY one of these games, even though I loathe the modern military genre (outside of Spec Ops).

Captha: Forget this.

NO I WILL NOT FORGET THIS CAPTCHA! THIS IS A BRILLIANT AND AWESOME IDEA! >: o

I think it might be because;

1: You're mostly white? (I guess? Dont really know)

2: You're too nice. As far as I know Canada has a reputation of being extremely friendly. I really couldn't picture you invading anything. This might be just american "propaganda" though, I dont really know that much about Canada.

I think everyone only thinks well of us because we're less assholish than our southerly brothers. In reality, we're effectively, as the wise Homer Simpson said, America Junior. You'd be surprised how bad we can be.

For example; I don't remember the exact details, but I think there was a paratrooper unit that was disbanded because they were torturing prisoners for shits and giggles. This was only a decade or two ago.

Then we have Mayor Rob Ford representing the largest metropolis in our nation and the people who refuse to stop supporting him.

The Wolf Among Us next plz? Also he gave Cod a right good bashing now maybe people will stop buying that crap for good.

So, this dog that they made such a huge deal about at the Xbone event was barely even in the game? That's kind of hilarious.

So, next one is CoD: Blackadder's Travels to Mboto Gorge?

That was one sharp mango...

Tank207:
So, this dog that they made such a huge deal about at the Xbone event was barely even in the game? That's kind of hilarious.

Well, you see, that's because emotion. That dog is "someone you care about". And taking it away after two missions invokes emotions because...I dunno, it had many polygons?

josh4president:
But what about the multiplayer, Yahtzee?

Dear Strongbad,
How do you type with boxing gloves on?

My favorite part of this review was the "Jam" audiobook plug, since I have that book and I can't help but hear Yahtzee's voice as every character in it anyway

Elijah Newton:
Can't say enough to agree with the problems of the premise. I can't shake the feeling that these games, whse crazy, rampant xenophobia seem to be excused as weakly written 'plots', are going to be our generation's blackface minstrel shows.

I loved the stinger, particularly the bit about the most which could be hoped for in death was to be found in a pose which confused archeologists.

Zachary Amaranth:
[quote="Evonisia" post="6.834552.20420333"]You know how zombies were originally an analogue for black people? Well, maybe you don't, but early zombies, before they were a commentary on commercialism or republicans or whatever else the writer wants to call mindless, they were an analgoe for black people. There was this fear that black people were going to take us by storm in the US, and America would be ruined by having....Slightly higher melanin in the skin? I don't know.

Source(s), please? I'm not arguing zombies haven't been a metaphorical stand-in for racial tension from time to time but I am curious what works you're referencing with this timeline.

Well they come from Voodoo mythology, so that already makes them a stand in for black people or at least fear of it from a colonialists perspective. However people forget that Golems were also once a thing (guess what, Jewish mysticism there) in Medieval paranoia and stories. It goes really far back. Really only modern versions introduced the idea of disease or pandemic, even though the Romero movies rarely gave an explanation, just drew the metaphors. Hope this helps.

panzertank83:

josh4president:
But what about the multiplayer, Yahtzee?

Dear Strongbad,
How do you type with boxing gloves on?

Yahtzee totally needs to be in Poker Night at the Inventory 3.

This is possibly my favourite episode ever of this.

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