Jimquisition: The Shi!*iest Games of 2013

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Yup, that intro and outro has me convinced that Jim Sterling really needs to make an appearance on LRR. I mean, just listen to that voice! LOOK AT THAT GAS MASK. Imagine all the material that LRR would be able to work with with a real life Jim Sterling!

This needs to happen before LRR ends.

Two-A:

T_ConX:
Damn! I'm impressed Jim was able to find the only 10 games from this year that were worse than Gone Home.

What exactly was bad about Gone Home? I'm not lashing out or anything (I haven't even played it), I'm just curious.

Some people had problems with the quality of the story, the "It's just like Dear Esher and it's not a 'real game' because you just walk around" argument, and it got a lot of good reviews which I feel like makes people hate games they would normally just dislike.

id like to see the list extended to 13 with the addition of rome 2, simcity, x rebirth all a steaming pile on release

Two-A:
What exactly was bad about Gone Home? I'm not lashing out or anything (I haven't even played it), I'm just curious.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that so many game critics feel the need to praise this game, because failing to might make them seem like ignorant philistines. In that respect, Gone Home is Emperors New Clothes: The Game.

Not Really That Groundbreaking...
Despite being held in contrast to the moronic FPSs this industry is flooded with, Gone Home has more in common with the genre than it would like to admit.

Think about it. A typical level in Halo would involve you moving in a linear fashion from area to area. Each new area gives you some dudes to shoot, while Cortana and your other friends read you various plot points over your headset. Sometimes you have to loop around places, or back track,

Gone Home works just like that, except instead of shooting dudes, you look for letters and other clues as to what your family's been up to this past year. Sam telepathically narrates exposition into your head while you read old letters and passive-aggressive family memos.

The game isn't very subtle about its plot. Sam beams the important stuff straight into your head, while the minor plot-lines of your parents are spelled out in hard-to-miss documents.

The Plot is Stupid

The story is that Sam was supposed to be waiting for your arrival, except at the last minute she got a call from Lonnie, who has decided to go AWOL. They decide to take your moms jewelry and all the VCRs and make a run for it.

BUT! Before hitting the road, your sister decides to:
-Leave her diary (that she wanted you to read) in the attic.
-Leave the key to the attic inside a secret room that only she and Lonnie knew about.
-Leave the directions to the secret room on a desk in a room on the east side of the house.
-Lock the door that leads to the east half of the house, so that the only way to get over there is a detour through the basement.
-Lock the door to the basement.
-Leave the key to the basement in a locker in her room.
-Rip the combination to this locker in two, and place the halves inside hidden wall compartments.

(I'm half pulling this from memory, and half pulling from a walk-through, so there might be a mistake up there...)

She does all of this knowing full well that you have never once been in this house. Not only that, but after wasting so much time setting up this elaborate scavenger hunt, she leaves a note telling you that she's left, that you shouldn't go looking for her, and that THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN WHY SHE'S GONE.

Sam Greenbriar is the dumbest character of the year.

Price Point
$20 for a game that barely lasts two hours? And you though FF:ATB was a highway robbery...

Visuals
The graphics are just bad, even for an indie game.

Rape Culture
There's a torn out, crumpled up diary page hidden in the house. In it, Sam details the time Lonnie forced herself on her in the middle of the night while Sam was sleeping. Lonnie is 18/19 in the game, but Sam is only 17. Age of consent in Oregon was, and still is, 18 years.

That's rape. Rape is wrong, but this fact seems lost on both the developers and Gone Homes lunatic fan-base.

Oh hello there Scarecrow impression.

Nak was really that bad huh?
Thats disappointing.

Ride to Hell Retribution is the kind of game that its so bad that you just have to try it yourself. sort of like that trucking game where you drive faster backwards. Youtube doesnt do it justice just how broken the game is.

Called ATB being top. I knew Jim hated it as much as most people, and how it signifies everything wrong with current day Square-Enix. The same fuckers that needed Nintendo to basically BRIBE them to bring an actually good game outside Japan with Bravely Default, and have been cramming Lightning in goddam everything when only Japan and a very small minority of westerners like her. (Which I still can't fathom, she's more Mary Sue than the original Mary Sue.)

for me personally I'd say COD Ghosts was the most insulting game I have ever played. I haven't played any of the games on that list and there's is no argument from me about them. However, Ghosts had even less gameplay then any other COD game or even BF4's campaign. The fact that it Starts with Raven's and Neversoft's logo at the start also doesn't help.

ShirowShirow:

gigantor21:
Really glad he called out Knack on the insipid bullshit spouted by Cerny and Sony to cover their asses. That they dared to speak of it in the same terms as the old Spyro games, and had the nerve to use the "kid's game" excuse in the wake of the industry's long history of excellent family-friendly titles, was deeply insulting to me. Super Mario 3D World being something kids could play hasn't stopped it from being a GOTY-contender (and winner, for Eurogamer).

Great video.

SO GLAD ALL THE BRAVEST GOT TOP HONORS. That game was essentially Square Enix trying to rip people off using nostalgia as bait.

To be fair, Square Enix in general gouges consumers with their mobile game prices. $15-20 for ports of pretty much any of their games goes well and above the cost of the actual title anywhere else, especially on the PSN where I can have access to those games on at least two different handhelds at easily half the price at the least.

All The Bravest thus wasn't SE trying to rip people off through sheer nostalgia bait, but Square Enix being as open as possible in charging obscene amounts of cash for something that is infinitely cheaper elsewhere. No little handwaves about "porting costs" or "HD graphics (HAH!)" or the like. Just pure and simple dollar signs next to every item in the game.

T_ConX:
Rape Culture

Fair points for everything else (especially the price), but I'm pretty sure that Oregon has a Close-in-age exception of 3 years, so it's not actually rape. Doesn't pretty much everywhere have this kind of thing to prevent teenaged relationships from suddenly becoming illegal because one of them had a birthday or happened to be a year older than the other?

Good job spoiling parts of the story though.

OT: Only thing that really surprised me was Knack, because I thought it'd be more along the lines of average and mediocre rather than wind up on this list. Most of the other ones were kind of given away by their showing up in previous Jimquisitions as examples of things you don't do.

T_ConX:

Rape Culture
There's a torn out, crumpled up diary page hidden in the house. In it, Sam details the time Lonnie forced herself on her in the middle of the night while Sam was sleeping. Lonnie is 18/19 in the game, but Sam is only 17. Age of consent in Oregon was, and still is, 18 years.

That's rape. Rape is wrong, but this fact seems lost on both the developers and Gone Homes lunatic fan-base.

If I remember the part your talking about correctly she just kissed her. that's not rape.

bug_of_war:

Sir Shockwave:
Personally, I would have put The Bureau: XCOM Declassified and Sanctum 2

Wait, since when was Sanctum 2 considered bad? Granted I hadn't heard of the game till some mates got the 4 pack and gave me a copy but still, it's a pretty decent and fun game and I haven't seen anything round saying otherwise.

OT: eh...needed something to watch for 8 minutes, this did the job.

Spoiler Free? The first Sanctum had a balance between Tower Building and First Person Shooting. Sanctum 2 has a much heavier leaning towards the latter, with the Tower Building not even being fun anymore.

And then there's the Always Online crap (as in you are connected to a Sanctum 2 server unless you turn the connection off by force), the Levelling Up system, pre-set loadouts as opposed to having the freedom to choose...it's in every way a step down from the first, and as someone who was into the original, a major disappointment.

I'm pleased to see All the Bravest ranked highest on Jim's shit-list, considering that it really should be. The Final Fantasy name used to stand for quality, and while we can debate forever on which Final Fantasy is the best, I don't think most long-time fans are willing to debate at all that the series has fallen out of gamers' good graces. I'd like to see Square-Enix get back to that, back to the name meaning something, and while Final Fantasy XIV has sort of reinvigorated my love for the series, All the Bravest makes me cringe with the realization that Square-Enix doesn't even take their flagship franchise seriously anymore.

It's the same reason I hated Batman: Arkham Origins; yet another publisher just trying to make a quick cash-in on a thus-far celebrated series. I'll have nothing to do with their next entry even IF Rocksteady is involved.

Jimothy Sterling:

PsychedelicDiamond:
Kinda surprised that Batman: Arkham Origins wasn't among them. Other than that pretty agreeable.

Basically Origins, LocoCycle, and Knack were vying for that 10 spot. Knack "won" the tussle after deliberation.

"Won" indeed. But yes there were quite afew games that were probably in the running. Of course the problem with a worst list is that opinions will differ. I do know someone that actually liked Colonial Marines despite the bugs and blandness. It's on par with the movies that get awards not being the same movies the average person goes to see. While I haven't played all the games on the list I can agree that Walking Dead was an utter turd in terms of what was promised and what was delivered. Telltale did a better job.

geier:
What does this Rooker guy at 03.58 say? I only understand: "Gibberish", in a game, what can be better then that?.

I couldn't tell either, which is a pity because that's all that Jim really showed in that segment; I even rewound the video to try and figure it out but I still couldn't. Does anyone else know have any idea what the guy said?

Captcha: SCIENCE CLASS.

Guess we better run some more tests on the video, we'll hear that line using science!

Sir Shockwave:

Spoiler Free? The first Sanctum had a balance between Tower Building and First Person Shooting. Sanctum 2 has a much heavier leaning towards the latter, with the Tower Building not even being fun anymore.

And then there's the Always Online crap (as in you are connected to a Sanctum 2 server unless you turn the connection off by force), the Levelling Up system, pre-set loadouts as opposed to having the freedom to choose...it's in every way a step down from the first, and as someone who was into the original, a major disappointment.

Fair enough, I never even knew there was a Sanctum 1 or 2 till I got the second one, and it was enough to pass the time, guess it's one of those games.

bug_of_war:

Sir Shockwave:

Spoiler Free? The first Sanctum had a balance between Tower Building and First Person Shooting. Sanctum 2 has a much heavier leaning towards the latter, with the Tower Building not even being fun anymore.

And then there's the Always Online crap (as in you are connected to a Sanctum 2 server unless you turn the connection off by force), the Levelling Up system, pre-set loadouts as opposed to having the freedom to choose...it's in every way a step down from the first, and as someone who was into the original, a major disappointment.

Fair enough, I never even knew there was a Sanctum 1 or 2 till I got the second one, and it was enough to pass the time, guess it's one of those games.

Probably. Still, can't really disagree with Jim's choices X3

Sir Shockwave:

Probably. Still, can't really disagree with Jim's choices X3

Funny thing is I can't really agree or disagree with most of these choices from Jim as I haven't ever played any of them, and only know Aliens Colonial Marines is bad because a friend of mine showed me just how bad it was. Having said that, at least he didn't do what a lot of people do and pick the "popular" bad games. For instance last year and AC3/Mass Effect 3, they weren't bad games, people just disliked 1 or 2 particular things from it then just refused to believe anything was good from it. Granted, VERY (<---Cannot stress that enough) few online reviewers put these on "worst 10" lists.

Hey, it's Skeletor again! Nice to bring him back, but watch it, he nearly stole the show!

*slow clap* Well done Jim. Well done. Your ire sustains me.

balladbird:
Snip

Oh shit, you scared me. I was just skimming the page and I saw, "Rage 2". It isn't too late right now, I'm not drunk... yet, and I did watch the video, but I was worried I had missed a shitty sequel to a shitty game that didn't have any advertising. Whew.

OT- I didn't play any of the games on the list so I guess I did fairly well for myself this last year.

nykirnsu:
Snip

"Merle and Daryl (Daryl and Merle?) in a video game... What could be better?" I think. I can understand Rooker just fine most of the time but the clip seemed compressed or just a hair too short.

I think Knack was so bad simply because of the unhappy fact that it was a launch title. From the looks of things, it seems rather unfinished. I see potential but dat launch date probably blew up in smoke any chance of a quality game.

bug_of_war:

Sir Shockwave:

Probably. Still, can't really disagree with Jim's choices X3

Funny thing is I can't really agree or disagree with most of these choices from Jim as I haven't ever played any of them, and only know Aliens Colonial Marines is bad because a friend of mine showed me just how bad it was. Having said that, at least he didn't do what a lot of people do and pick the "popular" bad games. For instance last year and AC3/Mass Effect 3, they weren't bad games, people just disliked 1 or 2 particular things from it then just refused to believe anything was good from it. Granted, VERY (<---Cannot stress that enough) few online reviewers put these on "worst 10" lists.

Well, he did put A:CM, Ride to Hell Retribution and Day One: Garry's Incident on his list - all popular and appropriate choices. But in a year of shitty games and buisness practices, I guess there is bound to be quite a bit of overlap?

Sir Shockwave:

Well, he did put A:CM, Ride to Hell Retribution and Day One: Garry's Incident on his list - all popular and appropriate choices. But in a year of shitty games and buisness practices, I guess there is bound to be quite a bit of overlap?

Yeah, but see Mass Effect 3 is STILL being talked about, same with AC3 (but that's more to do with AC games constantly coming out and becoming hard to not hear about) whilst A:CM and Ride To Hell Retribution talk died off, with the former only coming up when discussing Gearbox's interesting success rate. As for Garry's Incident, today was literally the first day I had ever heard of the game.

I prefer seeing games that I haven't heard of pop up because it shows me that the person doing the list isn't someone whom demonizes a certain demographic. This list that was put up is mixed up of AAA games and smaller dev games.

Jimothy Sterling:

For me, it was a year of extremes. I think we've seen some of the best games of our time appear this year. I also think we've seen some of the worst.

And a whole lot of extremely boring shit in between!

For me this year will be marked for the continued march and standardization of anti-consumer practices like season passes (and ones that usually don't even include all the DLC), massive DRM failures, micro-transactions, day one DLC in all it's forms and the stubborn refusal to reduce the price of digital content in a console closed market.

This year I've also seen a LOT of people defending these practices and telling you to "Don't buy it then and shut up" -_-

Jimothy Sterling:

PsychedelicDiamond:
Kinda surprised that Batman: Arkham Origins wasn't among them. Other than that pretty agreeable.

Basically Origins, LocoCycle, and Knack were vying for that 10 spot. Knack "won" the tussle after deliberation.

I think that was a good call. The way they touted Knack was almost as though they expected it to be a "system seller", and I don't think those other games had expectations of that magnitude behind them. The higher the pedestal you try to display a turd, the further it has to fall when you slip. From everything I've seen of Knack, it really does just look like a tech demo for particle effects.

Glad to see All the Bravest at the top, that game signalled the end of Square Enix for me and I'm surprised so many people have put up with there shit from FF10 until today. I feel they are past the point of redemption and instead I hope someone rises up and takes there place, supplanting their terrible products.

Just had a look, the last game I actually enjoyed made by them was FF9, over ten years ago.

I'd have put SimCity in there for posterity, so that devs/pubs stop doing that shit. I also would have put Gone Home pretty high up, for being a 90 minute long game that sold for 20$, for slapping in some horror elements that never went anywhere just so the player doesn't die of boredom, for trying to make a game of exploration where you piece together a fractured narrative out of scraps of information but also paying a voice actress to TELL you the story because it's afraid that you might be retarded, and for thinking a run-of-the-mill gay teen angst story that might have been controversial 20 years ago is enough to carry it. It isn't.

Brian Tams:
Yup, that intro and outro has me convinced that Jim Sterling really needs to make an appearance on LRR. I mean, just listen to that voice! LOOK AT THAT GAS MASK. Imagine all the material that LRR would be able to work with with a real life Jim Sterling!

This needs to happen before LRR ends.

Hell, just a Desert Bus Skeletor-off between Ian and Jim. If that happened for DB8, they'd get all of my moneys.

Scrumpmonkey:

For me this year will be marked for the continued march and standardization of anti-consumer practices like season passes (and ones that usually don't even include all the DLC), massive DRM failures, micro-transactions, day one DLC in all it's forms and the stubborn refusal to reduce the price of digital content in a console closed market.

This year I've also seen a LOT of people defending these practices and telling you to "Don't buy it then and shut up" -_-

Thank you. This is something those people need to understand before they say this: What is it you are actually telling the people in that company? You don't like the game fully. As such, the game may as well be canceled if many people send that message by closing their wallet.

This is a creative industry, and note that there are many moving parts in it. One part could be broken to all hell, when something else could entirely save it from that broken part. But corporations that are too big don't have that kind of oversight or they just don't care. Shareholders expect their property to grow, not stagnate or worse, drop in value.

I'm happy indies and kickstarter exist, since it allows old things to still be while they might be niche products. But that's another rant for another day >>

hickwarrior:

Scrumpmonkey:

For me this year will be marked for the continued march and standardization of anti-consumer practices like season passes (and ones that usually don't even include all the DLC), massive DRM failures, micro-transactions, day one DLC in all it's forms and the stubborn refusal to reduce the price of digital content in a console closed market.

This year I've also seen a LOT of people defending these practices and telling you to "Don't buy it then and shut up" -_-

Thank you. This is something those people need to understand before they say this: What is it you are actually telling the people in that company? You don't like the game fully. As such, the game may as well be canceled if many people send that message by closing their wallet.

This is a creative industry, and note that there are many moving parts in it. One part could be broken to all hell, when something else could entirely save it from that broken part. But corporations that are too big don't have that kind of oversight or they just don't care. Shareholders expect their property to grow, not stagnate or worse, drop in value.

People get "Stop not liking what i like!" syndrome and assume because you are criticizing a business practice you are saying their most favoritest game ever is bad and you should be punished for not agreeing with them.

The mainstream model is broken right now and it's hurting otherwise worthwhile games. As an example i made a thread about Call of Duty charging 35 for 12-16 maps that didn't even exist yet. That price point is ludicrous and you need to give your fucking head a shake if you think it isn't. 35 is an insane amount for aftermarket support. And it is just basic aftermarket support. Games with online modes have been providing free maps for DECADES and community content has been providing this for free since the days of freaking Doom.

Some arguments I've seen follow "Well spend so many hours on a game paying 75 not to have the community split is worth it". No it isn't worth it, you're just trying to justify your purchase because you got extorted. If all you play in 100s of hours of CoD, to the point that you don't care about paying for other games, then you are about as into varied gaming experiences as a someone paying 75 in imaginary gold and cow-clicking on farm-ville.

"Well i enjoy it" doesn't stop something from being an objectively terrible business practice and a rip-off .

Zachary Amaranth:

mike1921:
I don't see what's wrong with shitting on a game like that once in a while, but I also can't see a justification for Jim Sterling using multiple spots on his list just for "HEY, IOS, YOUR GAMES BLOW".

So Joe's histrionics are fine, but making a list of shittiest games that includes two IOS games is too much?

If they're shit for pretty much the same reason? Likely. Everyone knows the IOS is full of garbage. It would flat out be 10 IOS games if he didn't limit it to just the one that personally infuriated him.

Jim didn't hammer on the IOS itself any more than he said "hey consoles, you games are broken." His estimation of Final Fantasy may be a bit over the top, but come on. It's not the full-blown tantrum Joe went for. ermagerd you'll break your ipad its so baaaaaad!

Yes Joe is more dramatic, great, if you don't like it don't watch it. I'm not subbed to him because I don't want dramatics often, so I watch TB generally. If you don't think it's an absolutely dreadful game though, I'd like to know what you have seen to make you think otherwise, because from what I have seen trexels is probably a lesser game than All The Bravest.

Joe's lost his mind over pretty much every Star Trek game to come out since I've become aware of the guy.

He likes the franchise, he hates seeing horrible games coming out for a franchise he likes, that's normal. Especially when all the games to come out have been garbage.

I've come to think either he is the most childish person ever given a YouTube channel (which is saying something) or he's cynically playing with over-the-top theatrics

Why do you need to be cynical to be over the top? I hope no one actually thinks Joe would break his Ipad after playing trexels. I mean I see how he could grind people, but it doesn't seem to me like he's hiding that it's partly an act.

No Sim Shitty? Outrageous!

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