Dungeon Keeper Mobile Review - Wallet Reaper

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT
 

I saw this in the app store this very morning. Was cautiously optimistic until I saw that the app was 'free', by EA, and 'supported in-game purchases'. Lost interest immediately, and by the sounds of things I haven't missed a thing.

Damn, I want to go home and play the original now.

If they tried but couldn't live up to the originals, it would have been okay but they did not try.
Instead they did... this. They went out of their way to mock long standing fans of the dk games who have been waiting for fucking ea to do anything at all with the franchise they sat on with their fat asses for over a decade.

Thankfully gog exists and no one can take dungeon keeper 1 and 2 away now.
I can't wait for the day ea finally collapses under the weight of its own bullshit.

There's a place for monetized skinner boxes.

And that place is in hell.

It really shouldn't be called a game.
--

I'm still wondering how anyone thought that a seperate screen for imp-slapping would be a good idea. For me, this failure of an endeavor is crystallized in the imp-slapping screen.

Simalacrum:
I don't understand how this is even legal.

Surely in any other industry this would be considered a breach of consumer rights?

We should be preparing a lawsuit, not moaning about this game,

Over what?

The minimal wasted time and bandwidth spent on a free-to-play? Where's the breach of rights? You can get it, play it a bit and throw it away with literally no loss beyond a few minutes.

OT: Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.

EDIT:

http://www.metacritic.com/game/ios/dungeon-keeper

76%

wat is this

lacktheknack:

Simalacrum:
I don't understand how this is even legal.

Surely in any other industry this would be considered a breach of consumer rights?

We should be preparing a lawsuit, not moaning about this game,

Over what?

The minimal wasted time and bandwidth spent on a free-to-play? Where's the breach of rights? You can get it, play it a bit and throw it away with literally no loss beyond a few minutes.

OT: Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.

EDIT:

http://www.metacritic.com/game/ios/dungeon-keeper

76%

wat is this

Lol, look at the user reviews though! Zeroes across the board!

Honestly, it makes me suspicious of games journalists, and I'm not normally that guy. I mean, seriously people. What would a 50-rated game do, stab you in the eye and then crap in the wound?

Branindain:
Honestly, it makes me suspicious of games journalists, and I'm not normally that guy. I mean, seriously people. What would a 50-rated game do, stab you in the eye and then crap in the wound?

Yes.

:P

Also, those four reviews are from App-Only reviewers, so they have much different expectations than us.

A necessary call Jim. I was actually curious about this one.

And thanks for the reminder for War of the Overworld. That's on my wishlist now.

lacktheknack:

Simalacrum:
I don't understand how this is even legal.

Surely in any other industry this would be considered a breach of consumer rights?

We should be preparing a lawsuit, not moaning about this game,

Over what?

The minimal wasted time and bandwidth spent on a free-to-play? Where's the breach of rights? You can get it, play it a bit and throw it away with literally no loss beyond a few minutes.

OT: Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.

EDIT:

http://www.metacritic.com/game/ios/dungeon-keeper

76%

wat is this

Lol, look at the user reviews though! Zeroes across the board!

Honestly, it makes me suspicious of games journalists, and I'm not normally that guy. I mean, seriously people. What would a 50-rated game do, stab you in the eye and then crap in the wound?

lacktheknack:

Branindain:
Honestly, it makes me suspicious of games journalists, and I'm not normally that guy. I mean, seriously people. What would a 50-rated game do, stab you in the eye and then crap in the wound?

Yes.

:P

Also, those four reviews are from App-Only reviewers, so they have much different expectations than us.

I noticed that too, and that excuses it up to a point, but still... I have played quite a few iPad games and some of them are legitimately fun, freemium games included. I don't think their standards should be THAT much lower.

At any rate, I've somehow never even heard of Dungeon Keeper, despite it sounding like it's right up my alley and despite me being older than dirt. So I'm gonna read up on it now and maybe buy it off Gog.

I was going to recommend War for the Overworld but I'm glad to see you already did that.

OT: There's simply nothing to say about this abortion other than that it spawned such a delightful review. I just needed to see some bile. Thanks Jim!

I'm loving just how brainless the App Store reviews are.

"Great for the whole family!"

Yep, this has to be a non-gamer, someone who WILL get suckered in and who won't utter the simplest complaint.

Well done EA, your decision makers once again have proven to be fulltime retards. You've published an unusable product. I guess it has to give some profit, but the people investing money into this game clearly are already beyond help or are millionaires and just don't care about the money. When seeing this debacle, why should anyone in a near/mid future trust you. You discredited yourself. Again.

Well this is depressing. There goes my hopes for another actual Dungeon Keeper

lacktheknack:

Simalacrum:
I don't understand how this is even legal.

Surely in any other industry this would be considered a breach of consumer rights?

We should be preparing a lawsuit, not moaning about this game,

Over what?

The minimal wasted time and bandwidth spent on a free-to-play? Where's the breach of rights? You can get it, play it a bit and throw it away with literally no loss beyond a few minutes.

OT: Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.

EDIT:

http://www.metacritic.com/game/ios/dungeon-keeper

76%

wat is this

That is disgusting. If it's any consolation, at least have more evidence of Jim Sterling being a trustworthy reviewer

I confess, people, I am utterly PETRIFIED that EA is going to somehow utterly destroy Mirror's Edge 2 with some ill-advised scammy get-rich-quick scheme that only hurts the players and sucks out the fun of the game...

I have an android tablet and played this for a bit. I was pretty much done with it within 2 weeks. I think games like this are part of a larger systemic problem. I'm having real difficulty finding any kind of worthy game to play on the tablet. Plants vs Zombies 2 is ok, but again involves in game purchases, as does Candy Crush. Why can't someone come out with a good flash game level product for the tablet. I'd happily pay 10 bucks for the opportunity.

Sorry double post.

Dirty Apple:
I have an android tablet and played this for a bit. I was pretty much done with it within 2 weeks. I think games like this are part of a larger systemic problem. I'm having real difficulty finding any kind of worthy game to play on the tablet. Plants vs Zombies 2 is ok, but again involves in game purchases, as does Candy Crush. Why can't someone come out with a good flash game level product for the tablet. I'd happily pay 10 bucks for the opportunity.

If you think about it, it's because mobile gaming on non-dedicated devices is at a point where consoles were in the early 1980s, right before the crash. Mobile gaming via phone or tablet is showing to be a real moneymaker, meaning everyone wants to cash in, but is focused so much on getting that cash that quality and customer satisfaction has been cast to the wayside. But in a twist of irony, I bet you'll find that the people who usually get these F2P games are the same people who grew up with the games prior to the crash, but don't realize they're heading towards the same situation.

I think that's where we need to step in. Given how many may have grown up with games from the early 80s, showing them just how on-par something like Dungeon Keeper is to, say, ET on the Atari (or more fittingly, Pac-Man) might wake some of them up on how much of mobile gaming's ailments are too similar to the factors that caused the crash in 1983.

Dr.Awkward:
Given how many may have grown up with games from the early 80s, showing them just how on-par something like Dungeon Keeper is to, say, ET on the Atari (or more fittingly, Pac-Man) might wake some of them up on how much of mobile gaming's ailments are too similar to the factors that caused the crash in 1983.

And after the death of the Atari 2600 came the rise of the Nintendo Entertainment System. So whatever comes to replace the smoking shell that King etc leave behind will hopefully make things a lot better.

What's really sad about this is the fact that the iOS's systems make it all too easy to circumvent all the timers. Here's a little handy secret that works for any freemium out there, from Candy Crush to this.

They all base their timers on your pad or smartphone's internal clock. You're stuck waiting four hours? Go in your device's settings and push the time ahead, after logging out. Log back in, and the game will be magically convinced that you've waited the required time. Thanks to this, you can expand fairly quickly at no cost towards yourself.

I discovered this after my folks bemoaned the waiting times on Candy Crush. Figured I'd poke around with the tablet's clock for the lulz and, well, whaddaya know - instant extra lives!

This doesn't make freemium models any better or easier to tolerate, but at least you can try and scam the scammers at their own game.

Once you're done playing, just reset your date and time to their proper settings, and you're good to go!

I'm wondering how long it'l be until we make a law that prevents this kind of game from ever being massacred, or any for that matter and for Free to play games to actually be free to play, none of your time slowed down, no having to grind or wait a fucking week to get bread and butter results, no having to pay money to get to a normal decent result of fun and playability (looking at you PS2).

Still can't believe these kind of games are allowed to even charge that much, I'd seen the article about the game and nerd's video on how this will kill mobile gaming and it's just all kinds of sad that we let this happen, there has to be some point in logic where we can assume the right and lawfully stop this kind of shit from happening, voting with your wallet, don't like, don't buy bullshit does nothing and if it did there's certainly no big massive positive changes at this moment in time if this game still exists.

I played it last night, i like how the annoying tutorial demon straight up tells you that everything is a slow boring grind and that you can fix it with your wallet. If you atleast could mark more rocks than you have imps, then you could put the game away for a while (which would still suck), but nope, you can only mark as many rocks as you got imps. Obviously Imps cost gems, a lot of gems (third one costs 800, you start with 500) and it takes forever to mine rocks, i think it's something like 200 rocks pr hour while everything costs waaay more than that. I hate this game and the art style is horrendous...

Btw, the opening tutorial might be one of the worst i've tried in a while. It's confusing and they are basically just forcing you to click where they point for a long long time.

Hazy992:
EA already hard at work trying to win that Golden Poo for the third year running, I see?

At least you've already got a contender for shittiest game of 2014 -_-

And guess what, a danish award show called Danish Game Awards just gave them an award for being the best publisher second year in a row (as voted by the general public). That's quite depressing to think about^^.

My thoughts as I got to the end of this review: "Wow, an honest-to-god REVIEW on a mainstream website that rips apart a shitty mobile game! Maybe the games review biz isn't entirely bankrupt of credibility after all. I wonder who they got to review... oh, shit. It's Jim Sterling. Jim Sterling is literally the only person on The Escapist's staff who would call this shit out, isn't he? Who am I kidding. They probably only keep him around for the paper-thin veneer of street cred he lends the website."

Keep doing what you're doing, Jim. But honestly. Does it have to be you? Every single time? Is there no one else in this entire fucking industry who will call a turd a turd?

Jimothy Sterling:
Dungeon Keeper Mobile Review - Wallet Reaper

An utterly despicable cash grab.

Read Full Article

Dirty Apple:
I have an android tablet and played this for a bit. I was pretty much done with it within 2 weeks. I think games like this are part of a larger systemic problem. I'm having real difficulty finding any kind of worthy game to play on the tablet. Plants vs Zombies 2 is ok, but again involves in game purchases, as does Candy Crush. Why can't someone come out with a good flash game level product for the tablet. I'd happily pay 10 bucks for the opportunity.

The short answer:
Humble Bundle
Periodically they'll have a humble android bundle.

Also, some of the big FOSS games have been ported as well:
Ur-Quan Masters
OpenTTD
FreeCiv
Wesnoth doesn't seem to be available in a free edition.

Also available is Droid Tower, an adaptation of the Dark Tower board game, playable either in full board game mode, or usable simply as a tower replacement if you already have the board game.
And of course, there's always Minecraft.

MrBaskerville:
I played it last night, i like how the annoying tutorial demon straight up tells you that everything is a slow boring grind and that you can fix it with your wallet. If you atleast could mark more rocks than you have imps, then you could put the game away for a while (which would still suck), but nope, you can only mark as many rocks as you got imps. Obviously Imps cost gems, a lot of gems (third one costs 800, you start with 500) and it takes forever to mine rocks, i think it's something like 200 rocks pr hour while everything costs waaay more than that. I hate this game and the art style is horrendous...

Btw, the opening tutorial might be one of the worst i've tried in a while. It's confusing and they are basically just forcing you to click where they point for a long long time.

Here is the subtle crux of the contempt. Imps are required to do anything, mine, build, upgrade. While they are occuppied, you can not do anything else. The game gives you two imps. The next one costs 800 gems. It doesnt tell you hiw much the fourth imp is, for all i know the next imp is 1600 gems. the game gives you about 500 gems while the tutorial encourages you to fritter them away. The natural earn rate of gems is so slow. It Is Impossible To Naturally Buy The Next Imp. That is ******* disgusting. Only having two imps, which are action performers, is unplayable.

This is not a game, its a money extraction tool aimed at the mentally ill. It is ****** disgusting and those involved should be shamed. I propose we name and shame them. Build a website of managerial employees, names, pictures and addresses. Give faces to the obscurification of coorporate greed.

I though I'd give it a go since it's free and I have absolutely no intention of paying money to any freemium game ever.

Usually I take Jim's word as law, but I think he's been a little harsh with this one. That's not to say I think it's a good game, but there are definitely worse examples out there. Mainly because this game actually has something to do besides build stuff - the raids. Even if it's not a fantastic execution of this idea, a lot of similar games don't even have that.

I guess I won't hold Jim's opinion against him though - I loathe IAP as much as the next guy and I still haven't forgiven EA for shitting all over PvZ 2.

Actually yeah, I changed my mind. Fuck EA.

I appreciate that you've done this review because of the interest in the game that might be caused by it's brand, but negative reviews of mobile games based on the fact that they are money sinks with no gameplay are largely redundant... it's true of almost all of them and we all know it.

Any chance of some more positive reviews of good mobile games? (Or, as I'm starting to fear... are there none?!)

EA, you wound me in the deepest part of my black heart and for that you deserve my unending hatred.

Dungeon Keeper is very dear to me, it doesn't deserve this kind of treatment, I don't deserve this kind of treatment.

This will not be forgotten EA, and it will never be forgiven.

Jimothy Sterling:
War on the Overworld

I've bought a lot of crap on Steam over the years, can I take it that this is an OK game given your video on Steam's standards? I want to replay Dungeon Keeper but if this is near completion I may get this instead.

bkd69:

Wesnoth doesn't seem to be available in a free edition.

This is quite common to FOSS projects that post in commercial stores. Submitting apps costs money, they don't want adverts in their application so they charge money. However, there's nearly always an Android source repo you can compile from and sideload yourself.

I actually just finished listening to the most recent Dismal Jesters episode, and the accompanying Dungeon Keepers rant, and so pretty much knew exactly what was going to be written here. This was more eloquent, less emotional and less, err, colourful than the podcast version but no less right.

It's sad for those fans of the franchise to see something they like shaken down like this. I won't form my own opinion on the game through playing it, I think that would be a solid waste of time, so I'll speak from ignorance.

I am puzzled at how they came up with the prices of those microtransactions. $99? That's frankly absurd. That's roughly 14 hours of work at the minimum wage in the US for temporary in-game currency (if my maths and knowledge of US minimum wage law is correct). Who comes up with that, and then thinks it's acceptable or a good idea? That must have passed the desk of at least one middle manager.

I would have been happy with a transcript of your rant from the podcast, Jim. This is reckless and extremely greedy from EA/Mythic. And yeah. What bollocks.

Jimothy Sterling:

An utterly despicable cash grab.

I would 100% agree Jim. Some great balls calling a spade a spade and giving this 1/10.

On an Editorial note, with your years of reviewing experience, do you think reviewers are too reticent to give sub 5/10 reviews to games even when they are made unplayable by issues related to their monetization model? Or any other issues other then simply "This game would not run at all"?

God damn it.

GOD DAMN IT.

You have to wonder if anyone involved in the production of this shit ever played the original Dungeon Keeper even once.

Holy crap, Jim has made front page of bbc news, with a nod to the escapist
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-26033685

Same article is quoting peter molyneux's own disgust

BunnyKillBot:
Holy crap, Jim has made front page of bbc news, with a nod to the escapist
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-26033685

Same article is quoting peter molyneux's own disgust

Awesome.

Also, got a shout out at Forbes. Their gaming section is 'meh', but still kinda cool.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/insertcoin/2014/02/06/no-ea-everyone-is-not-playing-dungeon-keeper-wrong/

An old friend's stepfather was on the dev team for Dark Age... wonder if he's still with them. He was part of one of the two companies that became Mythic and lasted at least until Dark Age came out, but I've no clue if he survived all the mergers and changes that happened later.

Anyways, if he does still work there, I'm going to burn his house down.

http://www.gog.com/game/dungeon_keeper

Just putting this out there. Cus ya know, you COULD but 1000 blocks that lets you mine 4 spaces fast, or the full, amazing bloody game in all its Molyneux dipped insanity.

But, i can see the point of the other option, 4 WHOLE blocks!

How on earth did this "game" get such a high rating? was the half star for not crashing during the review?

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment
Have an account? Login below:
With Facebook:Login With Facebook
or
Username:  
Password:  
  
Not registered? To sign up for an account with The Escapist:
Register With Facebook
Register With Facebook
or
Register for a free account here