Zero Punctuation: Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII

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Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII.

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Oh if only I had an underpants modelling company.

Bah, I actually have a sneaking suspicion that this was only up for review because you wouldn't play it much. If what you say it true the plot's handling previous characters like Dead Rising 3 does. Previous characters get upgraded to almost sinister status, being terrifically noble or beaten into near obscurity and references.

Good review, and I assume the clop clop clop has haunted you from all those three and a bit years ago.

for whatever reason, my friend can't get enough of this damn game series. I worry for him

"The enemies were too hard so I gave up."

Good review.

As PRGs go, I'd still love you to play and review Xenoblade for the Wii. Sure you'd still probably hate on it because that's what you do, but at least you'd have other things to bitch about than with most other PRGs

Why did 13 get two sequels?? I just do not understand. Literally every title in the series was more worthy than that pile of crap.

This game represents everything that is currently wrong with Square Enix.

Also Yahtzee got it a bit wrong. God didn't take away Lightning's emotions - she never had any to start with. Or a character.

Big_Isaac:
As PRGs go, I'd still love you to play and review Xenoblade for the Wii. Sure you'd still probably hate on it because that's what you do, but at least you'd have other things to bitch about than with most other PRGs

Yahztee had stated multiple times he doesn't usually get a lot of time to play each game he reviews. Xenoblade is a 100+ hour game. He'd have no chance.

Surprised he came within ten meters of this game. Also surprised he didn't mention the no exp for battles gimmick. Unsurprised he didn't like it. It just doesn't seem any good.

Now I'm going to think about how awesome soft-serve ice-cream dispensing breasts would be for the rest of the day. (Its 9 AM over here)

Good review.

My favorite "Because Square Enix said so" plot element in Lightning Returns is the "Missing Time," Where the world of FFXIII used to have 26 hours in a day, it now has 24.

And it just sounds like SE forgot about the 26 hours, created a 24 hour clock, and then remembered the 26 hour thing and added a bit of dialog so they wouldn't have to rearrange everything else.

Poor Yahtzee, why does he do this to himself? I mean, I realize it is his job to play games, but honestly, he can take things easy on himself once in awhile and not go out of his way to find bad games to review. . . Though if reviews for Thief are any indication, this trend may continue for some time to come.

Hixy:
Why did 13 get two sequels?? I just do not understand. Literally every title in the series was more worthy than that pile of crap.

Its as Yahtzee said...

"Square Enix acts in mysterios ways"

But yeah im just as baffled as you about all this... after the disaster that was 13 i thought this one was dead in the water.

But hey... 10 got a sequel too...

Makes Square look like a Mommy that thinks her kid is a genius while said kid is busy eating sand on the playground

What kills me with the FFXIII series is that I can't bring myself to play it anymore. I forced myself to play FFXIII all the way through, and yes, it is one of my favorite combat systems in any RPG to this day, even though it took me about 25 hours to actually enjoy the combat system. By the end it is super fast paced, constantly switching between 1 of the 6 paradigms, and always wishing you had just set up one different one that you currently don't have available.

I got bored with XIII-2 in 5 hours or so, and Lightning Returns in about 4. I want so badly to like these games, but I just can't. Now to slowly await Dark Souls 2 and cry myself to sleep every other night in the meantime.

AndrewC:
"The enemies were too hard so I gave up."

Good review.

Something more akin to this: The difficulty in the monster fights are asininely game breaking, since the explicitly stated game mechanics of "You have X hours to beat the game/save the world" makes grinding for levels something you cannot do.

On the side of Lightning characterization... The guy who made the games/Lightning character said that she's really popular in Japan. I want to know if that's even true. Is a character that has no character really that popular? Heck, those idiot main characters in harem mangas seem to have more character than Lightning.

Karadalis:

Hixy:
Why did 13 get two sequels?? I just do not understand. Literally every title in the series was more worthy than that pile of crap.

Its as Yahtzee said...

"Square Enix acts in mysterios ways"

But yeah im just as baffled as you about all this... after the disaster that was 13 i thought this one was dead in the water.

But hey... 10 got a sequel too...

Makes Square look like a Mommy that thinks her kid is a genious while its shoveling sand into its face.

Yeah but 10 was a great game, and when 10-2 sucked they stepped back and said "We better not do anything else."

No one at Square said that after FF13 sucked. And they wonder why their company is a mess.

No surprise there...
Btw some idiot decided FF XIV would be an MMORPG, even the new one "A Realm Reborn". Yea... Any guesses?

AndrewC:
"The enemies were too hard so I gave up."

Good review.

Well, had they been hard but with proper context and a feeling of accomplishment to them, he likely would not have given up that easily, now would he?

I couldn't stand Lightning Returns because of the dull fetch quests required to level up, encouraging the player to explore, but restricting them with a time limit and time window for finding required quest items or people, along forcing them to return to a base every few hours. It makes the game feel like it has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

Was it me or was Yahtzee speaking faster than usual in this review?

AndrewC:
"The enemies were too hard so I gave up."

Good review.

And weird after Dark Souls last week.

LordOfInsanity:

AndrewC:
"The enemies were too hard so I gave up."

Good review.

Something more akin to this: The difficulty in the monster fights are asininely game breaking, since the explicitly stated game mechanics of "You have X hours to beat the game/save the world" makes grinding for levels something you cannot do.

On the side of Lightning characterization... The guy who made the games/Lightning character said that she's really popular in Japan. I want to know if that's even true. Is a character that has no character really that popular? Heck, those idiot main characters in harem mangas seem to have more character than Lightning.

I beat the game perfectly fine playing through it and Lightning receives stat boosts by doing major or minor quests, the timer is nowhere near as demanding as made out to be. Sure you might miss a minor quest whilst you're off doing one of the story areas but it's not game crushing.

I actually kinda like XIII-3. After the first being a massive disappointment and the second, while better, feeling completely unnecessary and forgettable, Lightning Returns is surprisingly good.

Sure, the writing is godawful and Lightning is about as interesting as an empty refrigerator, but the battle mechanics are really fun, the world is interesting and big enough so I want to explore it and the the time mechanic gives it some novelty. Overall it is just much more interesting than I expected a second sequel to FFXIII to be.

LordOfInsanity:
On the side of Lightning characterization... The guy who made the games/Lightning character said that she's really popular in Japan. I want to know if that's even true. Is a character that has no character really that popular? Heck, those idiot main characters in harem mangas seem to have more character than Lightning.

You've seen anime, right?

Ever notice how the broody mc brooderson main character broodmaster of his brooding broodlings must brood his way through a broody setting seems to be all the rage?

What is popular in Japan is mysterious and strange. Characters are frequently 2 dimensional hypocrites.

Good review, or at least cemented my opinions of the Final Fantasy series (nothing good since 9).

Didn't Thief come out this week? So why aren't you reviewing that? I mean, I already knew Lightning Returns was going to be utter shit because of the title - or I at least knew that was going to be Yahtzee's opinion, which, frankly, as a reformed FF Fan I can't help but agree with at this point - so why bother reviewing it?

Edit: Yes, thank you, I am now aware that "this week" is actually "just yesterday" and he would not have time to review it yet. You can all stop telling me this now. Yeesh. Gotta be careful to think things through before you post a stupid question.

The official explanation is that "final" can also mean "definitive".
FFIV and FFX were actually good games, so it made sense for them to get sequels. Why'd FFXIII get two?

Just discovered 'The Wire' have we Yahtzee? Well better late than never. Just curious as to when they will finall stop making Final Fantasy. Probably when people will stop buying them. Oh dear.

Abomination:

LordOfInsanity:
On the side of Lightning characterization... The guy who made the games/Lightning character said that she's really popular in Japan. I want to know if that's even true. Is a character that has no character really that popular? Heck, those idiot main characters in harem mangas seem to have more character than Lightning.

You've seen anime, right?

Ever notice how the broody mc brooderson main character broodmaster of his brooding broodlings must brood his way through a broody setting seems to be all the rage?

What is popular in Japan is mysterious and strange. Characters are frequently 2 dimensional hypocrites.

Good review, or at least cemented my opinions of the Final Fantasy series (nothing good since 9).

Speaking of hypocrites, have you noticed all the brooding, gritty reboots in America lately?
Just pointing out this isn't really a Japan thing. All media across the world is composed of 80% mediocrity, 15% utter shit and 5% actual high quality stuff.

Hixy:
Why did 13 get two sequels?? I just do not understand. Literally every title in the series was more worthy than that pile of crap.

Because Lightning is Motomu Toriama's waifu. Shmuck even wanted his gf to dress as this ice queen during sexy time. This mother humper!

Zachary Amaranth:

AndrewC:
"The enemies were too hard so I gave up."

Good review.

And weird after Dark Souls last week.

"Damage sponges" is more accurate than hard. Too much health and the ATB gauge runs out very fast in the early game before you upgrade Lightning a bit. Makes combat tedious. On the other hand, there's no point in engaging in battles unless it's a quest related fight, as completing those are the only way to level up. Sadly, the majority of quests are mundane activities like finding a doll for some kid or looking for someone's dog.

I find it odd that final fantasy 13 got two spinoffs because the general opinion seems to be that it was shit, I know it has its fans but I didn't know it had enough to support 2 more games.

I'm guessing that it was a lot more popular in japan, and that it did sell well enough in the west to justify a translation.

So it seems the Lightning Defense Force is already here. I swear it has to be guys from SE, no one can like this character (if you can even call her that anymore and not just "set piece"). Unsurprisingly, this game was horrible but it did make for one of the better ZP reviews in awhile. Can we please put Lightning and the rest of her broody band out to pasture now...and shoot them? Please?

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