Zero Punctuation: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 - It Sucks, Ha.

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Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 - It Sucks, Ha.

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2.

Watch Video

I actualy liked this game quite a bit. But this video was hilarious. :p

I dig the new little title bit. Good to get the whole opinion out in the open nice and quick like!

I'm still hoping for a Dracula dating simulator where you have to seduce people or die of starvation.

The new titles seem to just remove the surprise of the review, but if they can make a good joke in time I'll probably warm to them.

Eh, this never really peaked my interest and the review doesn't make it sound any better.

It's always difficult to be enthusiastic about new environments when they only consist of construction sites, sewers, and factories. Those places can be done well, but not often. With a series like Castlevania, there was definitely an opportunity to set a spin on the real world with gratuitous Dracula mythos. Then again, maybe it would just end up a little too similar to Devil May Cry. The only way to win is to actually play as Dracula, I guess!

But at least he doesn't sparkle.
Or does he?

Great bit, and for some reason Dracula in ZP looks more like Dave Grohl (especially with the sunglasses and guitar) than Robert Carlyle... But still I am going to pick it up anyway because I need some sort of closure and I've heard good things from friends. Friends who will be visited by henchgoats if they've lied to me.
Beware confetti.

Evonisia:
The new titles seem to just remove the surprise of the review, but if they can make a good joke in time I'll probably warm to them.

Was there ever much surprise in a ZP review? You pretty much know he's going to rip apart whatever game is put in front of him with a chainsaw made of snark, occasionally saying that he enjoyed X despite its flaws. Not a big twist ending.

Thunderous Cacophony:

Evonisia:
The new titles seem to just remove the surprise of the review, but if they can make a good joke in time I'll probably warm to them.

Was there ever much surprise in a ZP review? You pretty much know he's going to rip apart whatever game is put in front of him with a chainsaw made of snark, occasionally saying that he enjoyed X despite its flaws. Not a big twist ending.

Besides, I wouldn't hold much hope for these games anyway.

Haha. Finally a review a beat Yahtzee to.

Did Yahtzee just make a 'Hello to Jason Issacs' joke?? Yatzee is a fellow Wittertainee?? This was not expected. And yet it makes so much sense...

Thunderous Cacophony:

Evonisia:
The new titles seem to just remove the surprise of the review, but if they can make a good joke in time I'll probably warm to them.

Was there ever much surprise in a ZP review? You pretty much know he's going to rip apart whatever game is put in front of him with a chainsaw made of snark, occasionally saying that he enjoyed X despite its flaws. Not a big twist ending.

Well I wasn't thinking it would much a surprise in this case seeing as he hated the first one. Maybe from 2007 through 2010 that would be the case but I don't expect him to tear into every game he encounters.

Did he rip apart Spec Ops: The Line and then say "Oh, I liked it", or Crysis 2, Papers, Please, Saints Row IV, Luigi's Mansion 2?

Can't say I'm a huge fan of the new video titles. Kinda gives away the ending. Still enjoyed the video though.

Have to admit, I haven't played a Castlevania game since Castlevania IV on the SNES, and I have no desire to play this one.

'Can we go back to when vampires weren't sexy please.'

While I completely understand where you're coming from, but given that the sexy vampire phenomenon goes back at least as far as Bela Lugosi, I think it might be difficult to achieve :-)

Imperioratorex Caprae:
Great bit, and for some reason Dracula in ZP looks more like Dave Grohl (especially with the sunglasses and guitar) than Robert Carlyle... But still I am going to pick it up anyway because I need some sort of closure and I've heard good things from friends. Friends who will be visited by henchgoats if they've lied to me.
Beware confetti.

Oh yeah, he does look like Dave Grohl in this video- waitaminute, those sunglasses. He got those from Kamina from Gurren Laggan! And I thought Yahtzee disliked anime.

Perhaps the minions of darkness aren't under Dracula's control or on Dracula's side at all. Perhaps he just doesn't clean out his castle much and he can't be bothered to clear them out after doing so for so many centuries.

mjharper:
'Can we go back to when vampires weren't sexy please.'

While I completely understand where you're coming from, but given that the sexy vampire phenomenon goes back at least as far as Bela Lugosi, I think it might be difficult to achieve :-)

But....Steve Niles! Those are the vampires we need to see more of in popular media - the shark that walks like a man, or intelligent rage zombies. Hungry enough to tear through people like a bloodcrazed, starving lion, smart enough to cover its tracks afterward.

Vampires have always supposed to be have been sexy; read Dracula by Bram Stoker ffs.

I liked the first game. It had just the right balance of stolen ideas from God of War, Zelda, and Shadow of the Colossus. Sort of like Darksiders which also had the right balance.

And just like Darksiders 2, from all accounts it seems like the dev team just starting stealing more things for game 2, things that don't work together at all.

I'll wait until it hits the bargain bin this time.

Can we go back to when Vampires weren't sexy?

Yahtzee, Vampires have always been sexy, or a least since Bram Stroker got his hands on them.

I mean look at this suave blood-sucker:
image

Sooo... is the short summary following the title of the game going to be the new naming trend for ZP episodes? Just wondering.

As for Dracula in the modern world... I dunno, this feels like something that the Old World of Darkness would have dealt with better. Sad to see that this game is apparently the result of two different ideas being developed simultaniously and then getting frankensteined together when the dev team realised they only had the money to finish one of them.

Edit:

Mahoshonen:

image

Hey! Dracula!

image

Yeah?

Bela Lugosi called; he wanted to tell you he's still more awesome than you'll ever be!

Seems like they're running out of ideas on the Castlevania mythology ... scratch that, seems like video game designers are running out of ideas.

It sounds like this game was influenced by The Satanic Rites Of Dracula.

Remus:

mjharper:
'Can we go back to when vampires weren't sexy please.'

While I completely understand where you're coming from, but given that the sexy vampire phenomenon goes back at least as far as Bela Lugosi, I think it might be difficult to achieve :-)

But....Steve Niles! Those are the vampires we need to see more of in popular media - the shark that walks like a man, or intelligent rage zombies. Hungry enough to tear through people like a bloodcrazed, starving lion, smart enough to cover its tracks afterward.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't saying that I didn't want to see non-sexy vampire killing machines who behave more like a force of nature than a force of pheromones, just that there has pretty much always been a sexy, suave, vampire archetype. It goes back much further than Twilight, than the Coppola movie, than Interview with a vampire. Hell, Christopher Lee's scariest turn was arguably when he refused to speak because the script was so bad.

I'm not familiar with Niles, but what you describe sounds fun, and we need more of it, and less sparkles. But sexy vampires have always been a thing.

I came to the comment section waiting for the first to point out "hey, Yahtzee... vampires were always sexy". Glad to see you don't disappoint, people. And yes, they were right from the beginning. Even before Bram Stoker, the novel Carmilla was about a young female vampire with a lot of lesbian undertones.

Curious that he didn't mentioned that for the entire first game, Gabriel is not an monster at all. In fact, he is first shown turning into Dracula in the DLC and the post credits cutscene. That is right, the connection between LoS and Castlevania is so thin, they invoke it during DLC.

Glad to see I didn't miss a thing with this one, although no surprises there. The demo was full of the issues that plagued the original and it was only half an hour long. Having to play 10-12 hours of that, while including things like forced stealth, would have made it extra unbearable.

So are these "(Sub)titles" going to be a regular thing from now on?

Even Captcha seems to want to know, given how it's going "on-off" for this post.

Dracula don't bite. Dracula scrape and lick!

Evonisia:

Thunderous Cacophony:

Evonisia:
The new titles seem to just remove the surprise of the review, but if they can make a good joke in time I'll probably warm to them.

Was there ever much surprise in a ZP review? You pretty much know he's going to rip apart whatever game is put in front of him with a chainsaw made of snark, occasionally saying that he enjoyed X despite its flaws. Not a big twist ending.

Well I wasn't thinking it would much a surprise in this case seeing as he hated the first one. Maybe from 2007 through 2010 that would be the case but I don't expect him to tear into every game he encounters.

Did he rip apart Spec Ops: The Line and then say "Oh, I liked it", or Crysis 2, Papers, Please, Saints Row IV, Luigi's Mansion 2?

I don't have time to go through all of those videos, but from the Saints Row 4 Review:

"Oh you cunning sod, Saints Row 4; I was looking forward to judging you for your shitty alien weapons and knockback physics."
****************************************
talking about the parody elements that fell flat: "You just look like the the dwarf version of Marlon Brando from The Island if Dr. Moreau."
****************************************
"Having given us superpowers right at the start to enhance our sandbox fuckabouty fun, the story mode then spends the entire game regretting having done so. About half of the plot missions contrive a reason for your powers to not work; you may wonder why you're even bothering to spend upgrade points on the things."
****************************************
"...Taken as a whole, it's a complete mess. But as the end result of a series that has been gradually moving towards maximum mess, I'd say it does it's job pretty fucking well."

His whole style is built around mocking games; even when he does like something, there is a liberal coating of backhanded compliments and pointing out whatever flaws he finds. My point was that there is never any surprise to the review because that's not the point of them; if you've played a game, then saw his review, you know approximately what he is going to take apart and why. I don't know what surprise you are finding in the reviews that's being spoiled by the subtitles.

So turns out Dracula is a Malkavian?
I always had him pegged as a Ventrue.

image

i'd buy a game focused entirely on dracula going places and trying to look like he's not having fun.

So I'm in the weird position of understanding the Kermode reference in the end titles but not understanding why it's there. Did Jason Isaacs make a Dracula movie? And why was I not informed?

I've never been able to remember the difference between Castlevania and Wolfenstein. One was cool and one was not, but I can never remember which was which.

Blunderboy:
So turns out Dracula is a Malkavian?
I always had him pegged as a Ventrue.

image

Give his geographical area of origin and taste for blood and impalement, he would most likely be Tzimitze.

How the blazes could anyone so thoroughly screw up a premise so ripe and filled with potential?

>Published by Konami

Oh.

Well, we all you that you wouldn't like this. Pretty clear that it's a bad game

Also, quote of the day:
"Dracula does not fetch quest!"

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