Movie Defense Force: Double Dragon - The Warriors Wishes It Was This Good

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Double Dragon - The Warriors Wishes It Was This Good

A tribute to the most important movie ever.

Watch Video

Uh...Jim? Are you ok? You seem to have taken the piss out of your own show here.
If this was completely sincere, I'm even more worried.

So... deliberate self sattire or have you given up trying to persuade is that the shit is gold? :P

That was hilarious. Way better than simply stating 'so bad, it's good' or some other overused argument that doesn't really explain much. I kept expecting Jim to slip back into his normal mode at some point, but when I realized it wasn't coming I laughed all the more. It never occurred to me to compare this movie to the Warriors, but now I kind of want to sit down and compare them both. I remember watching both the Double Dragon movie and cartoon, and both of them were pretty, well, 90s in that way that only 90s entertainment can be.

I was half expecting it to end with a black and white still shot of the main characters and have a little 'save them from obscurity' kind of charity plea.

I really liked your narration, Jim!
Never saw this myself. So, oh!, what have I done missing this pearl of cinema history?! :'(

See this movie because reasons?

I think you should see it because Robert Patrick has a gift for delivering wry 90's one-liners and I think he deserves to be celebrated for that.

Christ, not even Jim could defend Double Dragon.

I mean, I am not sure if it has any reason to be viewed other than to feature in a "what not to do" guide for directors wanting to make a video-game movie.

Self satire is pretty much what you're left with when trying to defend a movie of this caliber. When faced with absolutely no chance for success whatsoever, go out as boldly as possible and without flinching. Well done Jim, well done.

Technically, a cure for neck testicles currently exists. Sadly though, neck castration is both difficult and messes with the sufferers bio-chemistry. Female sufferers do tend to go through with it.

I've never actually seen The Warriors. The ps2 game was pretty good though.

I'm ashamed to admit that it took me a good 15 minutes to realise this was satire.

Hah, when I saw this, I went "oh hell no!!!"

Even as a kid, I didn't enjoy this film. Looking at it now, it was ripping off so many movies, Robocop is the first that came to my mind (in terms of tone and "satire").

Having seen the video, it almost seems as if Jim is going mad, trying to find justification for a movie that drained his soul...equal parts amusing and horrifying...

Hmmm. I never thought of the film like that. Obviously it's deep narrative was way over my head at the time. Worth another viewing I feel. Ta jim.

Jimothy Sterling:
Double Dragon - The Warriors Wishes It Was This Good

A tribute to the most important movie ever.

Watch Video

Jim, after calling The Warriors out like that in the title, you have to give us your opinion of it! Seriously, I'd really like to hear of one of the few people in the games industry and surrounding media whom I still respect, give their opinions on one of my favorite movies. Time after next, perchance?

Akichi Daikashima:
Christ, not even Jim could defend Double Dragon.

I mean, I am not sure if it has any reason to be viewed other than to feature in a "what not to do" guide for directors wanting to make a video-game movie.

Really? REALLY?

Ok then. I'll do it.

AWESOME THINGS ABOUT "DOUBLE DRAGON, THE MOVIE":

1) This movie features Alyssa Milano "extracting information", from a tied-up guy in a 600lb fatsuit with a giant fake mohawk, by force-feeding him canned spinach. (You just KNOW that somebody somewhere regards this as the pinnacle of erotic entertainment.)

2) About two thirds of the way through the movie, there is a random zombie attack, caused by a dead body being possessed by the spirit of a bad guy. And while the possibility of possession had been brought up once before, this scene stands on its own. Nothing like it has ever happened before in the movie, and nothing like it will ever happen again. Random zombie attack in movie without any other zombie stuff in it? Awesome.

3) At one point our heroes take a boat trip on a lake that's on fire. When's the last time YOU set a lake on fire?

4) In the same section of the movie, they walk into a silent, abandoned junkyard, and are instantly - and I mean INSTANTLY - surrounded by about three hundred armed gang members. They just appear out of nowhere.

5) Jim mentioned the truck with teeth. What he didn't mention is that our heroes temporarily blind its occupants by hurling a newspaper out of their car window that inexplicably attaches itself to the truck's windscreen, perfectly covering the whole thing. And how do the truck's occupants deal with this? They bring up a CAMERA that sits on the bonnet of the truck, broadcasting a VR digital display of the oncoming road onto a screen that the driver uses to navigate. Yes, someone designed this truck specifically anticipating attacks by magic windscreen-obscuring newspaper that for some reason can't be removed by, say, reaching out of the side window and just pulling it off; and came up with a solution involving virtual reality displays and a hood-mounted camera. I WANT THAT TRUCK.

And finally,

6) There's a scene where the mohawked guy mentioned in #1 walks through a door, hits his MOHAWK on the top of it - not his head, just his hairstyle - and grunts in pain. Did you know that hair is actually dead? Well this guy doesn't.

I could go on and on about the sheer volume of awesome terribleness in this film, but I think that's enough to make my point. "Double Dragon: The Movie" is one of the best bad movies I've ever seen. I just love this terrible, terrible film.

Jim, how did you manage to record this without cracking up? Were you digging a salad fork into your thigh during the entire session, or something?

What kind of journalist are you if you can't even get the names of the main characters right, Jim?

The Lees are named Home and Ug. Get it right!

....Aaaanyway, I saw this movie in theaters, I owned it on VHS, and I own it on DVD. It's crazy, stupid fun, and I definitely enjoy it.

Callate:
Jim, how did you manage to record this without cracking up? Were you digging a salad fork into your thigh during the entire session, or something?

Electronic Arts took his soul accidentally, mistaking him for an editor at IGN. Laughter is the expression of the soul, so Jim was expressionless until the situation was rectified.

This one was entertaining. I haven't seen this since I was a child, I thought it was so lame back then. These clips seem to be fun in a cheesy way.

Now let's see if Jim Sterling can defend the live action Fist Of The Northstar movie.

Never change Jim.

Never change...

Also, do Demolition man

Lono Shrugged:
Also, do Demolition man

Whaaaat? Since when was "Demolition Man" a bad movie?!

Good news, Jim! Using Double Dragon to calibrate the "Why does this need defending?" was a success. Nobody was willing to defend this and we now have a baseline from which to proceed.

TheMadDoctorsCat:

Really? REALLY?

Ok then. I'll do it.

*sigh* Never mind, Jim. Back to the drawing board.

tehroc:

Now let's see if Jim Sterling can defend the live action Fist Of The Northstar movie.

Malcolm McDowell playing Master Zombie.
Rufio ala the North Star universe (same actor as well, same general ark and even reason for dying).

That's all you ever need.

I wonder if Jim lost a bet.
Maybe this whole series is the result of a lost bet?
Or maybe, after MovieBob broke on Spiderman, Jim broke while trying to defend Double Dragon.

Mangod:

Jimothy Sterling:
Double Dragon - The Warriors Wishes It Was This Good

A tribute to the most important movie ever.

Watch Video

Jim, after calling The Warriors out like that in the title, you have to give us your opinion of it! Seriously, I'd really like to hear of one of the few people in the games industry and surrounding media whom I still respect, give their opinions on one of my favorite movies. Time after next, perchance?

Short story - I like The Warriors a lot.

I get the feeling your defence of this movie wasn't exactly sincere. Wonder were I got that idea from.

I'd love to see what you'd have to say about The League Of Extraordinary Gentleman, Jim. One of my favourite bad movies.

didn't even mention Alyssa Milano's tour de force performance... way to take the high ground.

tehroc:
This one was entertaining. I haven't seen this since I was a child, I thought it was so lame back then. These clips seem to be fun in a cheesy way.

Now let's see if Jim Sterling can defend the live action Fist Of The Northstar movie.

That's okay, it's easy to see how the live action Fist of the Northstar is good. Just watch the movie in Washington or Colorado and prepare to watch it accordingly.

With the right "colorado" state of mind, one will start laughing approximately 5 minutes in when Ryu kills a guy by leaving a giant fist print imbedded in his head.

Other movies this method works on?
The Phantom!(Which Jim should defend.)
and the ORIGINAL Fist of the Northstar movie...it's pretty bad.(The Manga, and original series are amazing, but the terrible OVA that attempted to squeeze the whole series into two hours is pathetic and is best left forgotten or at least mocked.)

Elijah Newton:
Good news, Jim! Using Double Dragon to calibrate the "Why does this need defending?" was a success. Nobody was willing to defend this and we now have a baseline from which to proceed.

TheMadDoctorsCat:

Really? REALLY?

Ok then. I'll do it.

*sigh* Never mind, Jim. Back to the drawing board.

I know. I seem to be a born party-pooper these days, I can't even let you guys take a dump on a terrible movie without being all That One Guy about it. Sorry!

TheMadDoctorsCat:

Lono Shrugged:
Also, do Demolition man

Whaaaat? Since when was "Demolition Man" a bad movie?!

I think that at this stage movie defence force is less about sticking up for bad movies than it is for highlighting films that get overlooked. Demolition Man is not a bad movie. But it is better written than it gets credit for. The devil is really in the details with that film. I would just like to see Jimbo take a crack at it. The same way it's cool to see Yahtzee apply his technique to games like Silent Hill 2 and Deus Ex. But I am with you Demolition Man is not a bad movie. (It's not a great film overall to be fair though, it has big faults.) But it's great moments need highlighting and Jim does that well.

Plus it has the guy from iron chef. Truly thought provoking and a film among movies.

Jim, there will be a day where the guys in white coats are gonna chase you down with large butterfly nets... And that day is fast approaching. ;P

Double Dragon is one of those movies I saw during my many trips to the then abundant video rental stores where I lived. So much cheese in this movie, it should have come with a family serving of elbow macaroni and cooking instructions. Everything from Robert Patrick's Vanilla Ice hairdo to the technicolor street gang Alyssa Milano was running is pure 90s train wreck. This would go perfectly with a bad video game movie marathon. Great job, Jim

Who is Bimmy? THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL NAME!

P.S. Demolition Man isn't a bad movie, but it has problems. Writing isn't really one of them, but acting and execution sure are.

Go to the 46 second mark in the following video.

and that pretty much sums it up. your arguments have previously been honest and heartfelt if not sometimes over-apologetic, but there's just nothing redeeming about this particular video.

are you out of bad movies to defend?

do Death To Smoochy.

Jim, cough twice if you're being forced to say this against your will.

Seriously, this movie was great in concept as a hong kong action knock off.Stating the premise out loud sounds good: in a world where megacorps rule by day and genetically altered street gangs rule by knight, two brothers strive to keep their half of a mystical talisman out of the hand of the owner of the other half, out to rule the world. What went wrong: a kid friendly attitude and lack of anything like a fight choreographer. Besides, any movie that can deliver a piss off line like: I consider you like a son, and like a son, I can always have another, gets a pass from me.

And it could be worse. There was that Double Dragon 5 fighting game.

I have only ever seen this movie with the old Podtoid commentary track, and even then, despite their best efforts, it was PAINFUL to watch. The less time I spend remembering this movie exists, the better off I'll be.

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