Movie Defense Force: Dungeons & Dragons - Jeremy Irons Says NYANANANANA!

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For my part ever since Jeremy Irons did his whole "Gay marriage is bad, men will marry their sons for tax/inheritance purposes" I've not been able to enjoy anything he's done anymore. It's a shame too, I liked him in Eragon. One of two decent performances in that film and the other was just voice acting.

I liked Dungeons And Dragons. It wasn't D&D, but it was entertaining. Also, I seriously had no idea there was a second film, and I found out there's even a third when I looked it up. I might have to watch them.

I remember two things about this movie. First was that they killed off Marlon Wayons at some point. I cheered. I was so happy. It made the rest of the film almost worth watching.

And then, they revived him (or heavily implied it anyway) in the final scene. They took back the one redeeming thing this movie had going for it. The pain, the sorrow.

Few true dramas have caused me as much heartbreak as this film did.

Maybe on Streaming. Scanning to fun parts. There's just so much really GOOD content out there.

Come on now, the Bruce Payne vs Marlon Wayans fight doesn't get a mention?

And Marlon Wayans has such an epic death scene... I mean, this would be a great moment of pathos if his character wasn't the most annoying thing to ever be created by humans in the history of the world.

I think Jeremy Irons had a vibrator stuffed somewhere I don't want to contemplate the entire time he was "acting" in this movie. Watching him alongside Thora Birch, who barely acts at all though, is painful. You've got Irons looking like he's orgasming whenever he speaks, while Birch looks like she doesn't understand any of the dialogue she's been given (which, to be fair, is quite understandable... I didn't "get" a lot of it either.)

And the Crystal Maze will NEVER be obsolete.

Tumedus:
I remember two things about this movie. First was that they killed off Marlon Wayons at some point. I cheered. I was so happy. It made the rest of the film almost worth watching.

And then, they revived him (or heavily implied it anyway) in the final scene. They took back the one redeeming thing this movie had going for it. The pain, the sorrow.

Few true dramas have caused me as much heartbreak as this film did.

Hahahahahahahaha. You said it! That ending... uuurgh. Honestly I think the film would've been so much better-received if it hadn't have been for that.

Jeremy Irons: I"M ACTING HARDER THAN ANYONE EVER HAS BEFORE!!! Seriously, was like the ghost of Raul Julia merged with them, and they became the Devourer of Scenery.

You left out the best thing about Dungeons & Dragons: every single deleted scene consists entirely of crucial plot exposition.

There is one thing that can make this movie actually good.

Insert Four scenes.

Scene one
Jeromy Irons at the head of a table puts down a cell phone and says "She said she would be a little late lets star without her"
Camera pans around the table as Justin Whalin, Marlon Wayans, and guy who played the dwarf dump out dice bags, Guy who plays the dwarf says "well since you guys have to do your thing Ill run to the store, see you in a bit" then magicy swirly transition into the movie.

Scene two
just before the elf shows up.
Sound of a doorbell everything on screen just freezes and Jeromy Irons says "hey Kristen is here" oh and so is the pizza. (everything starts moving again)

Scene three: Thora Birch says "MOM SAID YOU HAVE TO LET ME PLAY YOUR GAME OR YOUR FREINDS HAVE TO GO HOME!"
Jeromy Irons says "Fine fine, your... and empress, riding a dragon...

Scene four
after the line "your friend is waiting for you"
magical swirls again this time backwards. The cast is sitting at a table with a pizza box in the middle, Marlon Wayans is sitting on the couch playing Nintendo in the background. they say "that was fun" Marlon says "you wouldnt say that if you died!" Jeremy Irons "So same time next week?" (pull back from the table out the window up through the clouds to the world, which transforms into a D20)

Every time someone does something cool the sound of dice rolling on a table should be in the background.

Then instead of it being a crappy movie plot with bad acting, its people playing a game and imagining whats going on.

Fun fact: they are still making sequels.

P.S. Enjoy your nightmares

Lord Hosk:
There is one thing that can make this movie actually good.

Insert Four scenes.

Scene one
Jeromy Irons at the head of a table puts down a cell phone and says "She said she would be a little late lets star without her"
Camera pans around the table as Justin Whalin, Marlon Wayans, and guy who played the dwarf dump out dice bags, Guy who plays the dwarf says "well since you guys have to do your thing Ill run to the store, see you in a bit" then magicy swirly transition into the movie.

Scene two
just before the elf shows up.
Sound of a doorbell everything on screen just freezes and Jeromy Irons says "hey Kristen is here" oh and so is the pizza. (everything starts moving again)

Scene three: Thora Birch says "MOM SAID YOU HAVE TO LET ME PLAY YOUR GAME OR YOUR FREINDS HAVE TO GO HOME!"
Jeromy Irons says "Fine fine, your... and empress, riding a dragon...

Scene four
after the line "your friend is waiting for you"
magical swirls again this time backwards. The cast is sitting at a table with a pizza box in the middle, Marlon Wayans is sitting on the couch playing Nintendo in the background. they say "that was fun" Marlon says "you wouldnt say that if you died!" Jeremy Irons "So same time next week?" (pull back from the table out the window up through the clouds to the world, which transforms into a D20)

Every time someone does something cool the sound of dice rolling on a table should be in the background.

Then instead of it being a crappy movie plot with bad acting, its people playing a game and imagining whats going on.

Ok, one page in and this might already be the best comments section ever. (The Thora Birch line made me spit on my keyboard.) Hooray for hilariously crappy movies!

Oh christ, this movie. I saw this movie in theaters. Some of you kids who weren't into roleplaying games at the time may not remember the guarded optimism we had going into this movie, fearing it would suck but really, really, really, really hoping it didn't. I remember the exact moment when it was clear to me that it was going to suck. It was about ten second in during the opening narration. I let out a loud, low groan. The movie actually got worse as it went on. The reason why is the scriptwriters didn't know dick about this kind of adventure story, so the director, Courtney Solomon, had them watch a bunch of movies. You can tell which movies they watched because many scenes are stolen directly from those movies. The thieves' guild "maze" is actually a series of traps taken from the Indiana Jones movies.

Since then, I've been watching Solomon's career ever since. This movie was terrible, but somehow he got a theatrical release. He has so far directed three movies. All three have been released in theaters. I have seen all three in theaters. I have had to get up to pee during all three. It's a tradition, now. Thirteen years in the business and he still hasn't learned a god damned thing. It's amazing!

Got this one awhile back, and the one time I wanted to start checking it out, the power failed or something.
Definitely gonna watch all of the D&D's, which supposedly are all bad enough to be actually good again ;)

evilnancyreagan:
someone needs to gif that last bit, i want it.

no,

I NEED it!

I second this motion. Hell, I'll settle for just a close up picture of his face. For 4chan reasons mostly.

evilnancyreagan:
someone needs to gif that last bit, i want it.

no,

I NEED it!

Ask and you shall receive

http://i.imgur.com/dTdbo7B.gif

daxterx2005:

evilnancyreagan:
someone needs to gif that last bit, i want it.

no,

I NEED it!

Ask and you shall receive

http://i.imgur.com/dTdbo7B.gif

well it's about frelling time!

good work!

could have use one more zoom level, however.

THANKS!

They forgot to mention the most WTF part of the entire movie, the last scene where the rest of the party gather at Snails' grave, turn into sparkles and fly away for no reason.

Completely agreed, Jim. It's quite a good film if you want to be entertained.

Barbas:
Tom Baker's role sounds like comedy gold. You should see what he did for Symphony, though.

Oh well, at least it's got Jeremy Irons in.[1]

You've awoken the Kraken there, son. The book was flirting with being more Star Wars rip-off than homage, but at least it was good. The movie, though ... Oh god, the movie. They managed to completely and utterly buttfuck every, single plotpoint so that they can't possibly adapt the second book in to a movie without turning it in to a story like The Bourne Supremacy ... To be fair, even The Bourne Identity managed to fuck over continuity by making an elderly, shoddy legged black man in to a white, middle-aged bad guy agent that gets shot. (even though he plays a MAJOR part in Webb's life in later books)

[1] The same can be said for Eragon, but shhhh, don't mention Eragon.

Mangod:

Team Hollywood:
Dungeons & Dragons - Jeremy Irons Says NYANANANANA!

Also, Bruce Payne wrote his own Wikipedia article. Definitely.

Watch Video

As has been said by everyone AND their mother, this movie is bad; badly written, badly acted, badly directed, badly everything... but Jeremy Irons and Bruce Payne trying to compete in who can give the best worst performance is so unbelieveably golden, it easily justifies watching the movie.

Alas, if you want a good D&D movie, the best I can give you is that magnificent, epic two-parter; Counter Monkey: Don't Interrupt the DM and Counter Monkey: The Chicago Way.


As i said earlier, i still think that The Gamers: Dorkness Rising is the best D&D film ever made. Its an actual movie, instead of just a guy talking at a camera for 2 hours.

Jim, I don't understand why people think you're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Trying to make light of this film is a Herculean task and I applaud your effort. But I saw this when it came out in theaters, I had to admit after my friends calling it a waste of money, that they were right. If a movie can make Zoe McLellan look like a decent actress, there is something seriously wrong.

Anyway, a movie trying to foster interest in the granddaddy of tabletop gaming because they were having a hard time making a profit should have produced anything but this movie, but it wasn't absurd or spontaneous enough to be a comedy, just a cringefest. Even something styled as the Saturday morning cartoon or that Forgotten Realms comic published by DC would have been at least interesting. I can at least still look back at those and enjoy the effort of storytelling while savoring the mild cheddar as opposed to trying to overlook that giant slab of Roquefort that was released in 2000.

Wizards of the Coast/TSR had the resources to make something good and turned it into the same sad joke as EA trying to pass off Sim City as an MMO. They had so much material that could be considered entertaining not just to a medieval fantasy audience but has instead let train after train run off the rails just as they're leaving the yard. I apologize if I look like I'm taking this too seriously, but I really do feel that a movie like this could have been so much more with just a little more thought and planning.

Breywood:
Jim, I don't understand why people think you're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Trying to make light of this film is a Herculean task and I applaud your effort. But I saw this when it came out in theaters, I had to admit after my friends calling it a waste of money, that they were right. If a movie can make Zoe McLellan look like a decent actress, there is something seriously wrong.

Anyway, a movie trying to foster interest in the granddaddy of tabletop gaming because they were having a hard time making a profit should have produced anything but this movie, but it wasn't absurd or spontaneous enough to be a comedy, just a cringefest. Even something styled as the Saturday morning cartoon or that Forgotten Realms comic published by DC would have been at least interesting. I can at least still look back at those and enjoy the effort of storytelling while savoring the mild cheddar as opposed to trying to overlook that giant slab of Roquefort that was released in 2000.

Wizards of the Coast/TSR had the resources to make something good and turned it into the same sad joke as EA trying to pass off Sim City as an MMO. They had so much material that could be considered entertaining not just to a medieval fantasy audience but has instead let train after train run off the rails just as they're leaving the yard. I apologize if I look like I'm taking this too seriously, but I really do feel that a movie like this could have been so much more with just a little more thought and planning.

Check out the movie i posted above. It is actually a really good D&D movie that approaches the subject in a unique way. They may not have been able to ACTUALLY license D&D, but in the film the characters are all playing an unnamed RPG that is very much like D&D in spirit.

I worked in a video store (remember those?) shortly after this movie came out and there was one guy who came it about once a week for 3 months straight with no other purpose in mind but to argue with me about this movie.

I had taken the stance that it was an unwatchable steaming pile of shit made only watchable by just how fascinatingly bad it is, and he was of the opinion that it was a labor of love from the screenwriter and that it deserved credit for being such.

That was it, his whole argument rested on the fact that it deserved a participation award just for trying.

I always assumed he had a relative involved in the production of the film, or that he was an extra because there's no other reason I can think of that he would dedicate that much of his time acting as a missionary for this movie and trying to convert the unbelievers.

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