Escape to the Movies: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Kids Deserved Better Than This

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Kids Deserved Better Than This

The new Turtles reboot is actually worse than what you'd thought it'd be.

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A reference to The Amazing Spider-Man 2 that isn't filled with horrific bile and a half hearted insult? Wow! Now if Yahtzee could do the same with the Wii U, PS4 or Xbox One this could be some kind of off-chance month.

But this is a shame, the TMNT movies don't have a good reputation anyway, they don't need one that's worse than The Amazing Spider-Man 2 in Bob's eyes (and by extension worse than Transformers 2... again, wow).

I've said for the past year that the ideal current TMNT movie would be like the original comics: a dark, gritty, and serious action film that seems unaware that its lead characters are FREAKING TURTLES, and becomes hilarious by its own seriousness, similar to Airplane!

Sadly, this appears to not be that movie.

Deep down I was hoping this would be good, I didn't want to believe that just because Michael Bay was involved that this movie would be pure garbage. Bob..you've proven me wrong.

Oh my God!

The Warp Zone called this! We should've heeded their warning! D:

No surprise that this sucks though :/

First thing, wow it's even worse than Amazing Spider-man 2???

Second thing, wait? There is a Jason in New York sort of movie (how did I missed finding that out)?

Third thing, we ain't all that suprised that the film was going to sucked so badly.

judging by the critical slaughter that's happening to the movie, you're not alone in ripping it to shreds. Seriously, there is no point in trying to be nice to this movie. Shit is shit. I just hope this film bombs if for no other reason than to have Fox's smug, petulant tantrum thrown back in her face. Furthermore, I'm left wondering if this is a worse role for Fichtner than his turn in The Lone Ranger.

Also, with The Expendables III next week I think we may be in for more Angry Bob. Which admittedly are some of his more amusing reviews because he can just tear into them guilt-free.

I saw it during an advanced screening. I agree on a lot of points with bob, I didn't like how the human interests were more prominent than the turtles...though I did like what the characterisations of the turtles were..

I liked it on the first viewing.

Wow.

I mean, Wow.

Here I thought nothing could get more scathing then the Expendables review. Not that there was any doubts. I called this PoS back when they said Bay was heading it and everything has just fallen into place. I think the best way someone could sum up this movie was "Instead of seeing this, go see Guardians of the Galaxy a second time."

Edit: Big 20% on Rotten Tomatoes. Michael Bay, stop touching things. Just...everything. Go drown in the #$%^ing ocean. please.

Rocksteady and Bebop are too cool for film. It will never be T^T

But... you are biased... Bob...
That is normal though.

OT:
Good, I wont see it. I was already probably not gonna see it.

Okay, I saw this movie, and I'm not going to lie, though my opinion is most likely going to be in the minority here. Here it goes:

I didn't hate it. In fact, I even liked the new Turtle's personalities and whenever they were on screen. Each Turtle at least gets one moment during to show their personality (even though, yes, it does reduce Mikey to being a walking Pop Culture jokester and April admirer) Yeah, some of the CGI looks a bit... sketchy and Splinter looks really off (though I did like him using his tail in combat). I even liked some of stuff they give to Raph and Leo's relationship.

But everything else, from Kids deserving better and whole parts lifted from the Amazing Spider-man, I absolutely agree with. This movie's story is worthless. It's funny how there's this huge disconnect where April is actually much more interested in where the Turtles came from than the Turtles themselves. Unlike TASM, where 'it's connected' makes more sense since it concerns our main character of Peter Parker. Since April 'isn't' a giant anthropomorphic turtle with Ninjitsu, the movie has this huge disconnect, where April deals with the stuff that's actually related to the plot while the Turtles are there for brand management and to do ninja stuff.

It's almost a fascinating study on female protagonits and how to botch it up: April is the driving force in this movie in terms of story, but since she 'isn't' a gigantic turtle, she's left out of the marketing while the Turtles, who are essentially background characters, are at the forefront of marketing and action scenes.

....Michelangelo...horny?....BAY! You had one job! ONE FUCKING JOB! It's like something said, the turtles don't exactly have complicated personalities, SO HOW DID YOU FUCK IT UP!? He's a harmless goofball! Not a horndog!

Dear God... Bob... you actually thought this movie made Next Mutation look good? My god. Didn't think that was possible...

Shredder doesn't even have to be a Ninja?

Isn't Shredder supposed to be a Samurai? Looks like a Samurai to me. But then I have zero clue about anything Ninja Turtles.

But on the topic of the shredder, I still think the suit looks cool.

Too bad about the movie though.

Great review. I hope that more of Bob's reviews will be as well made as this. More explaining about what doesn't work about the movies, less snarky potshots at only vaguely related things.

Oh, and I strongly agree that something being for kids should not be considered a license to phone it in.

I bent my pen when you were talking about their origin. WTF. Like seriously W.T.F. The kids do deserve a better movie and for mine, they'll be watching TMNT until they're old enough for the real Turtles.

I was actually planning on seeing this, on the premise that it would either

a) Actually surprise me and be a decent Turtles movie

or

b) Be so horrible that it's hilarious

...From the sounds of it though, I would get neither :(

I swear my jaw hit the floor while I heard your summary of the plot, Bob. Holy FUCK, that sounds awful.

I was not planning on seeing this movie unless it's on TV, and I have no plans on changing that now.

And you're right: Kids deserve better than this.

EDIT: And Mikey, my favorite turtle, is now nothing more than a horndog for April? Goddamn it...

Sigmund Av Volsung:
Oh my God!

The Warp Zone called this! We should've heeded their warning! D:

No surprise that this sucks though :/

Oh, GOD, that was too good! I can't breathe! XD Thank you for that; I needed a good laugh.

OT: Gawd...DAMN, you hated the fuck out of this movie....Good, good; let the hate flow through you, my son. >:D

In all seriousness, were we really expecting anything different? It's just more schlock the American public is going to get on their knees for with gaping open mouths. Dollars to donuts says this is going to get millions, with shitty reviewers giving it undeserved attention and parents taking their mewling shit-heads just to get them to shut up for a few hours. Then come Christmas, they'll buy them the ugly action figures that came from the movie, as well as possibly buy an actual copy of said movie, just so their kids can enjoy the shit over and over again. And then Michael Bay will get to make more useless cock-ups he never cares about. And the world will continue to turn...

*sigh*.....Well, at least I didn't have the same emotional investment other nerds had for either Transformers or TMNT, so it's no big skin off my back...But I swear, if Bay goes anywhere near Swat Kats or Mighty Max... *shakes fist* Ah, who am I kidding: neither of those, I feel, were popular enough for Hollywood to let Bay fuck them up, so I'm sure they're mostly safe...Hopefully...

"RIP Being Nice to Michael Bay: 2014 - 2014" Priceless. Thank you, Bob.

Big Ol' EDIT:

Aiddon:

shadowmagus:

Well, then. Glad my original posting might be proven wrong. I'm not sad about that at all, really.

So who was this made for?

Seeing the level of violence and the turtles characterisation it seems to crass and adult for them. Hard-core fans of the 1980's version is not going to like them for the changes. This seems to leave the fans of the 2003 cartoon version (which is never mentioned when talking about TMNT).

But lets be honest this was made for the same audience that the transformers movie was made for.

Ishal:
Shredder doesn't even have to be a Ninja?

Isn't Shredder supposed to be a Samurai? Looks like a Samurai to me. But then I have zero clue about anything Ninja Turtles.

But on the topic of the shredder, I still think the suit looks cool.

Too bad about the movie though.

Yes, he's supposed to give the image of a Sengoku-era warlord in contrast to the Turtles. And like a warlord against ninjas, there's a reason he wipes the floor with the four of them in the first movie. I find it funny how the guy in the movie, armed with nothing but a spear and a bitchin' helmet, is more intimidating and exudes more presence than the damned Ginsu slicer monstrosity that Bay's posse made.

A plot for the Turtles is supposed to be fun, not a convoluted tangle of politics and intrigue. I couldn't even follow it when Bob summarized it. I didn't think so many negative predictions would bear out in the space of a five-minute review.

Phooey.

Sadly I think everyone saw this coming. Unfortunately the "it's a kids movie so it's okay if it's crap" mentality has been way too prevalent in Hollywood for way too long. The nostalgia based franchises like Transformers and TMNT should be the best of films because they know they can appeal to kids and their parents and make a tonne of money from family viewing. Instead you have rubbish like this where the kid will walk out of the cinema and turn to his or her parents and ask, "You really liked this when you were my age?"

Scarim Coral:

Second thing, wait? There is a Jason in New York sort of movie (how did I missed find that out)?

Technically, yes. In reality, most of it takes place on a cruise ship. It's not worth the watching even if you enjoy dumb slasher movies. To make a topical reference, it's like the Transformers as an action movie; theoretically true, but in practise it's bad at what it's supposed to be and worse at everything else.

OT: Has Bob been playing nice? I remember a few potshots from early on in the production, but I can't recall anything recently. Anyways, it was a good review that managed to tear apart a movie without throwing in jabs at every other recent movie he disliked.

Oh god the backstory to tie april to the turtles, wow that is what they went with? Holy crap.

exobook:
So who was this made for?

Seeing the level of violence and the turtles characterisation it seems to crass and adult for them. Hard-core fans of the 1980's version is not going to like them for the changes. This seems to leave the fans of the 2003 cartoon version (which is never mentioned when talking about TMNT).

But lets be honest this was made for the same audience that the transformers movie was made for.

We don't talk about the 2003 version? Why not? It was a pretty good series. It's how I got into TMNT.

I had my hesitations about this movie, but I wanted to give 2014's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a chance. Sadly, nobody working on this movie couldn't give 1/8 of a fuck about making a good movie.

Bob hit the nail on the head with this review and my feelings are the same as his. I truly despise passionless filmmaking; which is the sad fact/practice that no amount of effort is needed to make a movie, so long as it can make money on name recognition and/or the gullibility of moviegoers. That pisses me off to no fucking end. If this was a film made for kids, it should have been done a hell of a lot better than this soulless abomination. I can name off multiple movies that are aimed for kids that are not just good, but great. Toy Story. The Incredibles. The Secret of NIMH. The Goonies. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. The Lego Movie. All of those are better kids movies that are beautiful works of art while, at the same time, entertain both children and adults.

If you cannot be bothered to put any passion in making a film, especially a kids film, then you shouldn't be making films at all. And this isn't just aimed at Michael Bay. There are too many no-talent hacks who are just slumming through the film industry all because of the almighty dollar. If there was ever a time for people to start making better decisions in regards to what they see at the movies, it needs to happen as of yesterday. Don't give the Michael Bay produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles your time, money, or attention. I sure as hell won't.

"Making a movie for kids is not an excuse to slack off." Every time I hear you say that, it makes me wish more people would say it.

Aiddon:

Yes, he's supposed to give the image of a Sengoku-era warlord in contrast to the Turtles. And like a warlord against ninjas, there's a reason he wipes the floor with the four of them in the first movie. I find it funny how the guy in the movie, armed with nothing but a spear and a bitchin' helmet, is more intimidating and exudes more presence than the damned Ginsu slicer monstrosity that Bay's posse made.

Ah, I can see why that might frustrate some people. I have no clue about who the Shredder is or the lore behind how he has his skills/powers.

But I guess that's the problem nowadays. Everything has to be some sort of power armour/suit to give the CGI team something to do. That and to go nicely with the annoying fog horns in the trailers. But... at the same time, I still find myself liking the way the suit looks. It has it's drawbacks with the lore and story. But the guy is called The Shredder. To me, while the guy with the spear and bitchin' helmet probably was cool, it doesn't really live up to the name. This suit at least does.

Too bad it's just so convoluted and out of place.

Worst part about this is that it didn't really need a reboot. Unlike a lot of 80s franchises people loved and grew up with several other continuities of ninja turtles. They liked the 80s cartoon, they liked the 00s cartoon, they liked the original comics, the archie comics, the live action movie, the CGI movie, and I'm pretty sure people even love the current series that's currently airing. If they just made a movie that follows the current series liked the TMNT movie did with the 07 series people would hate it less.

Ninja turtles were in all ends of the spectrum, comics were dark and gritty, 80s cartoon was silly and fun, and everything after was in between and almost all of them worked, which beg the question: how can you fuck up ninja turtles?

I had a feeling that after watching your Big Picture on Michael Bay, I thought to myself "Bob, you say we shouldn't be so harsh on Bay now, but will you be saying the same thing when the Turtles movie comes out?" I guess I was right

OT: All in all, very good review, one of your best in awhile. I knew the film would be a piece of shit so it was fun to see Bob tear it apart and there is a bright side, at least we won't have to hear Bob complaining about the ASM now, well for the most part anyway.

Charcharo:
But... you are biased... Bob...
That is normal though.

What's not normal is calling people who point this out "blithering idiots". I suppose Bob felt somehow threatened by that.

Every month or so I decide to give Bob another shot at movie reviewing. Am I being incredibly unlucky or is he really is this biased/intolerant?

marioandsonic:
I swear my jaw hit the floor while I heard your summary of the plot, Bob. Holy FUCK, that sounds awful.

Same. My mouth was wide open. I think the writers had to be actively trying in order to distance themselves that absurdly far from the simple basic premise of the Turtles. It's like they didn't want anyone to see it or something.

I'm all for not prejudging movies but even the way this looks in general, like most of Bay's movies, is ugly.

The basic look of even the still shots is terrible. It's gone beyond the "Orange and teal" we can all point out and the general "Expensively ugly" look of some lazily graded modern movies. He's elevated it to some kind of perverse art-from of eye offense. The combination of blurry CGI, two dozen different filters, lens-flare and lighting adds up to more than just the sum of it's parts to make his movies literally unwatchable for me. Not just in content but in look; it gives me a headache and makes me feel like there is something wrong with the screen. I can't look at his movies without my brain going "What's wrong with this? Why does it look so awful? Can we please look at something else? Goatse perhaps, anything!"

That alone is a deal-breaker for me. Who thought this looked good?! The fact that it's content is offensively bad is beside the point.

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