Hurricane Jose Will be Deported, White House Says

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Hurricane Jose Will be Deported, White House Says


Taco News Network is where Buzzfeed goes to get sources for its Top Ten Lists. It's where Rush Limbaugh and Keith Olbermann come to discuss topics for their shows. It's where nightly news becomes nicotine for the everyman. We dig to find the truth where none may be, and bring it out of the murk to you for your intellectual pleasure.

We need to start some trade deals with Atlantis.

In a press release from the White House that we forgot about at the bottom of our outbox, FEMA and ICE have revealed that they are working together to deport Hurricane Jose from the United States as soon as it touches down in Florida.

"With illegal immigration being a primary focus of our administration, letting an entity like this enter US soil illegally with a name like Jose would be a disaster. Our officials have come together to have a plan before it reaches the coast," said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, "to quickly apprehend and deport the hurricane back to Mexico."

"What's important is the safety of all US citizens. We don't want an illegally immigrated hurricane to use up valuable resources that should be serving the American taxpayer. FEMA is already running dry on funds after Harvey, and we need to deal with Irma now too. By handing Jose over to the Mexican authorities as soon as we have him, this will be a plan that's cheap, effective and works."

Although our own field reporter showed up to the official press briefing ahead of schedule, his designated spot had already been filled by one a reporter from the Huffington Post. The reporter, provided as part of a minority outreach program to help improve the network's diversity quota, sat outside the press room and deciphered the muffles into semi-coherent notes. The report continues below, although CNN may have already gotten most of the clicks.

"Thanks to the brave patriots who've already opened fire on Hurricane Irma in legal defense of their property and second amendment rights, we understand that a grassroots, violent solution is not what's best for the American people. While we respect the value of the 2nd amendment, this does count as a Non-Aggression Principle violation and are now planning on pursuing this next storm with other professionals. We've already lost enough lives to this tragic event, the last thing we need now is deaths that can be prevented," said Sanders.When asked if climate change may have contributed to the increase in violent storms in the southeast, Sanders quickly called for security to escort the journalist to the Trump Gulag.

Donald Trump also responded after the press conference, tweeting "The levee wall just got 10 feet taller! Jose must go back NOW, Mexico not sending their best."

Be on the lookout for Hurricane Pilar, which authorities plan on sending to Guantanamo Bay for suspected links to Al-Qaeda.

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Finally! I've been looking for a news source that wasn't just #FakeNews. My prayers have been answered!!!

Truely now we are the king of news sources. ALL HAIR TACO NEWS!!!#

The sad part is that this is completely believable. I would totally buy that the Trump Administration is that mind-numbingly stupid.

...Can we please not do this? Like, really, come on. Was bad enough when we allowed it in the forums, now we're going to make up BS and make it into actual articles?

What the hell? This isn't even tangentially related to gaming or geekdom. Why on earth are you publishing stories like this? It isn't even an original or clever joke. Anyone with two brain cells can think up "Hurricane has Mexican name, Trump wants to deport it, hur hur hur!"

Okay, how should I take this?

A hurricane that can cost the lives and houses and property of a LOT of people, and then writing a parody news story about it.

Making fun of a tragic disaster?

Does anyone else here find a complete lack of taste here?

Jeez Louise people, stop getting so many bees in your bonnet. I found the article funny, anyway.

People complain about lack of content, get new, free comedy content, complain.
Just another day on the Escapist. Having a sense of humour is a bannable offence.

Fat Hippo:
Jeez Louise people, stop getting so many bees in your bonnet. I found the article funny, anyway.

Because yes, it's a fantastic idea to make fun of a natural disaster.
What shall we do for the next joke? Here is an idea, babies that are born with AIDS.
Yes, that sounds like a wonderful subject to make jokes about.

This feels like a new low point for the Escapist. Its been over a month since the Escapist had actual gaming news, as opposed to just sponsored deals and repeats of old series. And then the first 'news' we get is... This? Disregarding being a bit tasteless, I like dark humor myself, its completely irrelevant to what the escapist actually is.

I guess we should have been a bit more specific when we asked for new content for the site.

Taco News is like the best parts of The Onion, minced up and put into a delicious corn pastry shell with spiced meat and vegetables.

I wholeheartedly support this. But now, we must debate whether the holy Taco shall be eaten on Taco Tuesday, or Taco Friday...

Chefsbrian:
snip

JenSeven:
snip

OT: Only the most trustworthy of news networks for me thanks.

Easy comment, but a site called the escapist shouldn't get political. At the very least it shouldn't get political about non-game or other entertainment media content.

vallorn:
Taco News is like the best parts of The Onion, minced up and put into a delicious corn pastry shell with spiced meat and vegetables.

I wholeheartedly support this. But now, we must debate whether the holy Taco shall be eaten on Taco Tuesday, or Taco Friday...

Tacos are strictly inferior to burritos.

Man, Newclassic got hate and so did Taco. I need to step up my game I guess if I'm going to become a real Escapist contributor...

I guess someone told me I had a game release missing from my news story but it seemed more informative than hatred :(

Taco News has finally been approved.

Congratulations.

JenSeven:

A hurricane that can cost the lives and houses and property of a LOT of people, and then writing a parody news story about it.

"Hurricane Jose was an erratic, powerful, and long-lived tropical cyclone that caused minimal damage throughout its entire lifespan."

But sure if you equate this to any and all kinds of dark humor (of which this is not an example)...

JenSeven:
Because yes, it's a fantastic idea to make fun of a natural disaster.
What shall we do for the next joke? Here is an idea, babies that are born with AIDS.
Yes, that sounds like a wonderful subject to make jokes about.

Can't argue against that - unprotected sex is natural and can end in disaster.

I saw the topic title and said to myself, "If this isn't Taco News, then I don't want to live on this planet anymore".

It is Taco News, so I guess I get to sadly live on this planet longer

Canadamus Prime:
The sad part is that this is completely believable. I would totally buy that the Trump Administration is that mind-numbingly stupid.

For a moment I thought it was real. Not sure what to think about it that I got some amusement out of that.

tippy2k2:
Man, Newcastle got hate and so did Taco. I need to step up my game I guess if I'm going to become a real Escapist contributor...

I guess someone told me I had a game release missing from my news story but it seemed more informative than hatred :(

You can't please all the people all the time. Most especially in online gaming communities. ;) Who's Newcastle? I must feed.

Xsjadoblayde:

tippy2k2:
Man, Newcastle got hate and so did Taco. I need to step up my game I guess if I'm going to become a real Escapist contributor...

I guess someone told me I had a game release missing from my news story but it seemed more informative than hatred :(

You can't please all the people all the time. Most especially in online gaming communities. ;) Who's Newcastle? I must feed.

Damn it! I keep doing that!

I either need to remember NewCLASSIC or talk him into changing his name :(

Actually Jose is going to have an accident in the holding facility.

...

But really now, while i have no problem with satirical articles actually making it to the news reel The Escapist is gonna need more than that to climb its way back to relevance.

Is this site really THIS desperate now?

I mean, really? I get it, things are going well. The content schedule is basically a pixel-thick blinking red line screaming for the enemy to finish you off, and, perhaps, branching out is what's going to save the site.

But really? This? Being another shitty The Onion clone?

This has been a poor week for this place, and it's only fucking Tuesday.

Katherine Kerensky:
People complain about lack of content, get new, free comedy content, complain.
Just another day on the Escapist. Having a sense of humour is a bannable offence.

PsychicTaco's Taco News isn't new content. It's been 'content' for ages. And it was funny on the forums. But it does not belong in the News room.

McElroy:

JenSeven:

A hurricane that can cost the lives and houses and property of a LOT of people, and then writing a parody news story about it.

"Hurricane Jose was an erratic, powerful, and long-lived tropical cyclone that caused minimal damage throughout its entire lifespan."

But sure if you equate this to any and all kinds of dark humor (of which this is not an example)...

Oh, I'm sorry, they used a picture of Hurricane HARVEY as the illustration for this.
As a non-US citizen I didn't immediately recognize the right hurricane that they made fun of.
As you do.
Because natural disasters that cause people a lot of stress and suffering, and possibly death is something that you make regular jokes about.
And this is definitely not an article using dark humor, this is an article that uses human suffering to get in a cheap Trump joke.

And this is called Taco News? Is this intended in the same way as this article, a cheap LOL Mexicans racism 'joke'?
Is this turning into some right winged parody of The Onion?

image

Cowabungaa:
But it does not belong in the News room.

The term is anchorMAN. Not anchorTACO, and that is a scientific fact!

JenSeven:
What shall we do for the next joke? Here is an idea, babies that are born with AIDS.
Yes, that sounds like a wonderful subject to make jokes about.

You know what? That's a great idea.

Babies with AIDS will be Deported, White House Says

JenSeven:
And this is called Taco News? Is this intended in the same way as this article, a cheap LOL Mexicans racism 'joke'?
Is this turning into some right winged parody of The Onion?

You must be new here, or you just don't pay attention to the forums. Either way, let me explain, PsychicTaco started Taco News years ago, wayyyy before Trump was even a glimmer of possibility. It's been a semi-regular thing on the forums as a general Onion (not Right Wing Onion, just general Onion.) style thing for a long time, and it's had people clamouring for it to get pushed onto the front page for nearly as long.

Plus, this may have been a poor choice of first article, but it's hardly the worst official article posted on the site this week.

vallorn:

JenSeven:
And this is called Taco News? Is this intended in the same way as this article, a cheap LOL Mexicans racism 'joke'?
Is this turning into some right winged parody of The Onion?

You must be new here, or you just don't pay attention to the forums. Either way, let me explain, PsychicTaco started Taco News years ago, wayyyy before Trump was even a glimmer of possibility. It's been a semi-regular thing on the forums as a general Onion (not Right Wing Onion, just general Onion.) style thing for a long time, and it's had people clamouring for it to get pushed onto the front page for nearly as long.

Plus, this may have been a poor choice of first article, but it's hardly the worst official article posted on the site this week.

Ah, that explains why I haven't encountered this before.
When the whole Gamer Gate thing happened here, I distanced myself from the forums, so I guess I never encountered this.
See, I have been around The Escapist since about 2008, when Yahtzee himself moved here. I have had an account before this one, but lost it due to losing that Email address.
But yes, I have not been on the Escapist forums in a long long time and quite happy about that. It was a VERY toxic place for quite a while and I was not comfortable being around it anymore.

Finally the return of taco news

Oh I get it!
It's like The Onion
but not funny

But I can't say I'm particularly bothered by the subject matter
people die and the earth hates us

The funny thing is that Taco's story quickly received more attention and more comments than most News articles.

OT: Poor hurricanes: They're discriminated against by everyone. It ain't right. Ain't decent, neither.

EDIT: The New Yorker has satirical articles and has done so for ages and ages. There is a difference between satire and fake news.

Eh, I didn't think the article was very funny, but I don't see why there's a problem with having it.

Katherine Kerensky:
People complain about lack of content, get new, free comedy content, complain.
Just another day on the Escapist. Having a sense of humour is a bannable offence.

Some of us prefer humor thats actually funny. And prefer news thats actually news.

vallorn:

JenSeven:
And this is called Taco News? Is this intended in the same way as this article, a cheap LOL Mexicans racism 'joke'?
Is this turning into some right winged parody of The Onion?

You must be new here, or you just don't pay attention to the forums. Either way, let me explain, PsychicTaco started Taco News years ago, wayyyy before Trump was even a glimmer of possibility. It's been a semi-regular thing on the forums as a general Onion (not Right Wing Onion, just general Onion.) style thing for a long time, and it's had people clamouring for it to get pushed onto the front page for nearly as long.

Plus, this may have been a poor choice of first article, but it's hardly the worst official article posted on the site this week.

It was always dumb. It just wasnt put into the news column. Kind of like how Trump was always terrible, but wasnt always President.

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