Face-Chomping "Vampire" Attacks Geriatric At Hooters

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Face-Chomping "Vampire" Attacks Geriatric At Hooters

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A 22-year-old Florida woman has been arrested for assaulting an elderly man. Her rationale? Vampirism.

Before I get into the pertinent details of this case, I would like to take a moment to urge you all to again read that headline. I realize you're likely reading this article, hoping that I'm somehow obfuscating the truth to generate pageviews, but no, dear reader, I'm being totally straight with you all. That headline is exactly what happened.

The Smoking Gun reports:

Josephine Smith, 22, was arrested today and charged with felony aggravated battery on an elderly person.

"I'm a vampire, I am going to eat you," Smith announced before allegedly attacking Milton Ellis, according to an arrest affidavit.

Ellis, 69, received stitches to close up wounds suffered during the assault, which occurred in front of a vacant Hooters in St. Petersburg. Cops says Ellis, who uses a motorized wheelchair, was asleep when Smith pounced on him, commenced biting, and announced that she was a vampire.

Ellis survived the assault, despite major, bloody facial wounds, and made his way to a nearby gas station to phone the authorities. On arrival, the arresting officers found Smith near the scene of the attack covered in blood, sans pants and with her panties around her ankles.

Understandably curious about this whole thing, the officers questioned Smith, but she was unable to explain the attack or why she was partially au naturel.

I'd like to posit the idea that there may be more going on here than it seems. This is speculation, mind you, but at this point, what else do we have to work with?

Smith is a 22-year-old college student with no apparent criminal history. Ellis has been described by police as "a transient" who has 12 arrests over the last four years for things like disorderly intoxication and battery.

I think you can all see where I'm going with this. Obviously Josephine Smith is a child of the night inflicting her demonic bloodlust on the innocent in a quest to build an unstoppable undead army and/or raise Dracula from the dead.

Likewise, Ellis may or may not be a descendent of the Belmont clan. Honestly, I haven't worked that part out.

Questions? Anyone?

Source: The Smoking Gun, via Geekologie

Permalink

No "LESBIANS"?

/sigh

Looks like someone decided to...

*puts on sunglasses*

Take a bite out of crime.

Yeah.

That was my first time doing that. Did I do it right?

McMullen:
Looks like someone decided to...

*puts on sunglasses*

Take a bit out of crime.

YEEEEEEEEEEAH!

That was my first time doing that. Did I do it right?

That was almost totally right, well done. Fixed it a bit though.

OT: Stupid demented woman is stupid and demented. Possibly read a little too much of a certain contemporary book/film series known for inciting more than a little craziness in young women?

McMullen:
Looks like someone decided to...

*puts on sunglasses*

Take a bit out of crime.

Yeah.

That was my first time doing that. Did I do it right?

You're not getting the Yeah quite right. It's a bit more

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/csi-4-pane-comics#.Tmpp7exLqSo

Her eyes don't match...

I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!

FogHornG36:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!

damn I got ninja'd, I was gonna say almost the exact same thing. For my slowness I blame Final Fantasy X as I can't stop grinding levels right now.

Interesting story, I doubt we'll hear anything more about it even if details are uncovered though.

The thing that gets me is that the guy in the wheelchair is apparently the seedy one, while the girl that did it is by all reports a fairly docile, law abiding citizen.

I'd be wondering about things like hypnosis or something here personally because this behavior is just so unreal that I can't see someone breaking down like that without any previous signs (and I mean notable ones that would have likely influanced her record) all
at once, especially not in a public place.

I have on the other hand seen hynotists take people out of an audience, hypnotize them into thinking they are a dog, make them do tricks, and then have them sit back down and forget the whole thing to the amusement of the audience. While movies exagerrate what can be done with brain washing, this is really the only way I could see someone being made to do this in the way this went down.

The mug shot reminds me of the "faces of crystal meth" advert.

You think Fox will be on later tonight about the dangers of letting kids read books?

Clearly not a vampire... no sparklies.

Can't believe I have to pull out this video again but... Here it goes

...I don't get it. No criminal history, and just all of a sudden mauls a sleeping old man with her mouth, and has no pants on when the cops show up?

This is either drugs or a mental breakdown. Or both!

Wow again with vampires >__>

I don't know, with a jaw line like that, she could be a descendant of the fabled Belmont clan. Obviously, the family curse is following her and Dracula decided to cast a magic spell on her to discredit them... CASTLEVANIA is COMING!!!!! I think that creature of chaos would not do well in Florida though.... perhaps Washington state, where they get a lot more rainfall.... you know, for ambiance.

Thyunda:
Her eyes don't match...

maybe shes malkavian?

Pandaman1911:
...I don't get it. No criminal history, and just all of a sudden mauls a sleeping old man with her mouth, and has no pants on when the cops show up?

This is either drugs or a mental breakdown. Or both!

Or the wounds on his face are self-defense wounds inflicted by the so-called "vampire."

FogHornG36:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!

Don't you get it, it's video games' fault. Only gaming can make a person THAT violent. She must have played too much Vampire: Bloodlines and Castlevania...

Of course she's in Florida. We seem to have all the bloody nuts here.

Faeriian:

Thyunda:
Her eyes don't match...

maybe shes malkavian?

Look at her, she is obviously nosferatu

Why was he sleeping outside hooters and why didn't the witness to the things that happened before he woke up give a coherent statement?

Xan Krieger:

FogHornG36:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!

damn I got ninja'd, I was gonna say almost the exact same thing. For my slowness I blame Final Fantasy X as I can't stop grinding levels right now.

Which method?

On topic.

The "vampire" has no convictions but the old guy has been arrested 12 time in 4 years? I also have to wonder why the hell her under things were down ...

It's just random, "an old guy was beaten up tonight, the woman claimed to be a vampire ... oh and her knickers were round her ankles", it's like totally serious and then throws you a curve ball that makes you go from "oh, I hope he's ok" to "WTF!!".

Jandau:

FogHornG36:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!

Don't you get it, it's video games' fault. Only gaming can make a person THAT violent. She must have played too much Vampire: Bloodlines and Castlevania...

The sick woman!
BAN EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!

I was hundred percent sure someone bit someone in the beeeeeewbs and then said they where a vampire.....
You know... With hooters sometimes meaning bewbs.....
yeah.... I know...

Anyways, well she surely doesn't look completely normal in that pic.
And why the hell did she take her pants and panties off?

Mr.K.:
Clearly not a vampire... no sparklies.

and that.... No sparklies!

Jason Santora:
Of course she's in Florida. We seem to have all the bloody nuts here.

This is the first thing i thought of too.

FogHornG36:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!

Obviously, they're a bad influence on our nation's youth. Y'know if you count 22 year olds as "youth".
Though if she thinks she's a vampire she obviously doesn't have all the mental faculties of an adult.
Not that I mean to offend any vampires out there... actually yes I do. I do mean to offend people who are batty (tee hee) enough to think themselves to be undead blood suckers.

I'm just a wee bit suspicious about this. I mean, were there any witnesses to this attack? Because if there weren't, I'm not entirely sure we should be rooting for the old man here. I mean, she isn't claiming she did it, and I'm having trouble believing that an old, wheel-chair bound man is going to escape from a young girl eager to literally chew his face off. The whole sans panties deal is curious as well. Doesn't seem implausible that maybe he tried to assault her, given his criminal record, and she fought back. She doesn't want to admit what happened, but isn't about to fess up to vampiric assault either.

Earnest Cavalli:
Face-Chomping "Vampire" Attacks Geriatric At Hooters.

-snip-

Questions? Anyone?

Yes, I have two. One, what the fuck is wrong with her, I'm guessing Twihard on a heroin high, and two:

image

I would appreciate answers.

gostlyfantom:

Faeriian:

Thyunda:
Her eyes don't match...

maybe shes malkavian?

Look at her, she is obviously nosferatu

Nah, with some makeup and possibly a bit of liquor she's still do-able. Definitely a Malk.

I wonder if she's been eating SARDINES!?!?! Thank you Disgaea 4, I will forever associate vampires with sardines from this day forth.

Damnit, where is Fox when we need it?
I hope they blame this on Twilight, I will laugh my ass for a week straight.

Mr.K.:
Clearly not a vampire... no sparklies.

Seriously? Just let Twilight die already!

imnotparanoid:

Jandau:

FogHornG36:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!

Don't you get it, it's video games' fault. Only gaming can make a person THAT violent. She must have played too much Vampire: Bloodlines and Castlevania...

The sick woman!
BAN EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!

And enforce the ban with the death penalty!

Epictank of Wintown:

Pandaman1911:
...I don't get it. No criminal history, and just all of a sudden mauls a sleeping old man with her mouth, and has no pants on when the cops show up?

This is either drugs or a mental breakdown. Or both!

Or the wounds on his face are self-defense wounds inflicted by the so-called "vampire."

...but... wait, I'm reading it as she attacked him... Smith, the crazy lady with no priors, attacked Ellis, the old dude in a wheelchair. So... how could his wounds be self-defensive?

Anyone know the best way from Chicago to Florida? Planning a roadtrip. No reason in particular..
I'd fly, but the authorities told me I couldn't ship the throwing knives, bladed Crux and my whip with me; hell, not even my holy water!

Um Teh fu? What did I just read? Cause it makes absolutely no sense to me. First off, how come she didn't pursue the guy who was IN A WHEELCHAIR if she was bent on munching his face? Unless it was modified into a street racing chair used in the illegal wheelchair races he participates in his spare time. Also what was with the face munching? That's more of a zombie or cannibal-esque thing to do than a vampire. And I'm not going to even start on the pantsless issue and the fact there didnt seem to be many witnesses especially as the event apparently happened at the front of a Hooters and not say in the alley/area behind the restaurant.

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