Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Looks Totally Insane

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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Looks Totally Insane

Just how do you hunt vampires? Apparently all you need is a stovepipe hat and a big honking axe.

While Seth Grahame-Smith's Pride and Prejudice and Zombies may be languishing in Film Development Hell, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has managed to glide through the movie-making process with hardly a problem. That's probably due to the fact that Tim Burton is producing it and Timur Bekmambetov (of Wanted and Nightwatch fame) is directing. Up until now, not much has been seen of the film, but its first trailer has just appeared on the Web and it looks about as crazy ridiculous as you'd probably expect a movie about a president who moonlights as a vampire hunter would be.

Since this is a teaser trailer, we're not given a whole lot of plot to go with. Instead, there are a lot of over-the-top action sequences on display. "Just how over the top?" you might find yourself asking. Well, there's a bit where Dominic West is apparently battling a vampire in the midst of what looks like a horse stampede at sunset.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter tells the story of America's 16th president, based on "secret diaries" that document his campaign against the Children of the Night. In the book, he hangs out with Edgar Allen Poe, though it looks like that friendship may have been omitted for the film adaptation. That said, Rufus Sewell is going to play Adam, the lead vampire villain, and Alan Tudyk will portray Illinois statesman Stephen A. Douglas, who earned the real life nickname of "Little Giant" because was such a political powerhouse.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is due out in theaters on June 22nd.

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What...how...

How the heck have I only heard of this now!?

It looks cheesy as all hell but maybe it'll be good cheese.

wut...
wait...
how uh
wai..

..

wut?

This is so rad that I have cancer.

Get it? Rad? Cancer?

Aw, you guys suck.

DarkRyter:
This is so rad that I have cancer.

Get it? Rad? Cancer?

Aw, you guys suck.

*claps*

Good jape sir!

I for one, look forward to watch this balony great amazing looking film fantastica!

You know, it's stuff like this that makes me think that Hercules and other mythical heroes were probably once historical figures who had (perhaps humorous like this) stories made about them and eventually only the stories remained. Maybe in 2000 years time people will be debating over whether Abe Lincoln was an actual historical figure or a mythic hero after finding this film buried somewhere?

How did he chop a tree up? Ripping a tree like that, it'd be damn near impossible, and even then you'd need some serious grip on the thing and the damn horses of the gods to even get the thing to tear. Cheesey effects I get, but let those effects stay within physics, at least. The last time we tried this crap, we saw gunpowder being drawn across a room by an electromagnet, highlight the marionette corpse of Indiana Jones.

Mirrorknight:
What...how...

How the heck have I only heard of this now!?

It looks cheesy as all hell but maybe it'll be good cheese.

No kidding. I'm gonna need a lot of chips to go with all that cheese. It's gonna be nachos in that theater, no doubt.

Four score and seven years ago...I totally staked that Vampire

If it's close to the book, then it'll make up for losing Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters.

Mirrorknight:
What...how...

How the heck have I only heard of this now!?

It looks cheesy as all hell but maybe it'll be good cheese.

it's been out for quite a while, the book that is
it even had a trailer

And here I was hoping they were actually making a game out of this.

BehattedWanderer:
How did he chop a tree up? Ripping a tree like that, it'd be damn near impossible, and even then you'd need some serious grip on the thing and the damn horses of the gods to even get the thing to tear. Cheesey effects I get, but let those effects stay within physics, at least. The last time we tried this crap, we saw gunpowder being drawn across a room by an electromagnet, highlight the marionette corpse of Indiana Jones.

It's a movie about a 19th century U.S. president laying the smackdown on the undead. We have exchanged our forlorn goodbyes with reality and struck on our own to find our fortune.

One to watch, abandonment of realism all the way. :P

Hal10k:
And here I was hoping they were actually making a game out of this.

BehattedWanderer:
How did he chop a tree up? Ripping a tree like that, it'd be damn near impossible, and even then you'd need some serious grip on the thing and the damn horses of the gods to even get the thing to tear. Cheesey effects I get, but let those effects stay within physics, at least. The last time we tried this crap, we saw gunpowder being drawn across a room by an electromagnet, highlight the marionette corpse of Indiana Jones.

It's a movie about a 19th century U.S. president laying the smackdown on the undead. We have exchanged our forlorn goodbyes with reality and struck on our own to find our fortune.

My willing suspension of disbelief is willing to accept the tasty alt-fantasy mash up gibberish goodness, but physics is physics. Unless their physics are different, in which case why is their world sticking together???, but I doubt such is the case.

BehattedWanderer:

Hal10k:
And here I was hoping they were actually making a game out of this.

BehattedWanderer:
How did he chop a tree up? Ripping a tree like that, it'd be damn near impossible, and even then you'd need some serious grip on the thing and the damn horses of the gods to even get the thing to tear. Cheesey effects I get, but let those effects stay within physics, at least. The last time we tried this crap, we saw gunpowder being drawn across a room by an electromagnet, highlight the marionette corpse of Indiana Jones.

It's a movie about a 19th century U.S. president laying the smackdown on the undead. We have exchanged our forlorn goodbyes with reality and struck on our own to find our fortune.

My willing suspension of disbelief is willing to accept the tasty alt-fantasy mash up gibberish goodness, but physics is physics. Unless their physics are different, in which case why is their world sticking together???, but I doubt such is the case.

Strict adherence to physics makes for boring movies. If throwing a tree into orbit makes for an absurdly awesome fight scene, then throw a tree into orbit we shall.

I love me some good cheese. I hope it's played more straight-faced than the Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes, and has at least once scene of Lincoln walking away from an explosion. I'll cream.

You know... i never thought that there could ever be a movie worse than Ghost Rider... I can always count on Tim Burton though to ruin anything that he can grab from the shitcluster that makes up about 75-90% of his imagination

Hal10k:

BehattedWanderer:

Hal10k:
And here I was hoping they were actually making a game out of this.

It's a movie about a 19th century U.S. president laying the smackdown on the undead. We have exchanged our forlorn goodbyes with reality and struck on our own to find our fortune.

My willing suspension of disbelief is willing to accept the tasty alt-fantasy mash up gibberish goodness, but physics is physics. Unless their physics are different, in which case why is their world sticking together???, but I doubt such is the case.

Strict adherence to physics makes for boring movies. If throwing a tree into orbit makes for an absurdly awesome fight scene, then throw a tree into orbit we shall.

But...the tensile strength! And the direction of movement was perpendicular to the applied force! It makes no sense!

Oh fine. Have your impossible tree fight scene. I'm gonna get more chips, because this is looking to be a whole cow's worth of cheese.

*Grumble grumble* breaking physics *grumble grumble* material properties *grumble grumble*

This will be either awesome or horrible. Come on Abe, don't disappoint!

I will not be seeing this for full price. Thank god for cheap theaters! You may not be able to see it when everyone else does but if it sucks you only pay pocket change!

The_root_of_all_evil:
Four score and seven years ago...I totally staked that Vampire

No man is poor who has a Godly axe.
A Vampire divided at the neck cannot stand

DarkRyter:
This is so rad that I have cancer.

Get it? Rad? Cancer?

Aw, you guys suck.

This film has more chops than a rock band!

...

Man this crowd is dead

It defies reason that this movie looks so awesome. I can't wait.

... lol, wut?

OT: Looks like it might be fun to turn my brain off and watch this.

I can't wait to see this and I hope Pride and Prejudice and Zombies NEVER makes it, I tried reading the graphic novel but god damn as it ever BORING.

If Lincoln hated blood-suckers, why did he become a politician? I guess to hunt them or something, but just a thought.

DarkRyter:
This is so rad that I have cancer.

Get it? Rad? Cancer?

Aw, you guys suck.

Anyways... what? Seriously, what the hell?

IM THROWING MONEY AT MY LAPTOP BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

TAKE MY MONEY, JUST TAKE IT!

Lincoln is my favorite President. This film reinforces that fact.

Thank you, Tim.

I've been meaning to borrow the book from my friend, but nonetheless...

I'm still waiting for George Washington: Ghost Hunter, Teddy Roosevelt: Zombie Exterminator, Dwight Eisenhower: Alien Fighter, Harry Truman: Robot Destroyer, and Thomas Jefferson: Viking Annihilator.

Alssadar:
I've been meaning to borrow the book from my friend, but nonetheless...

I'm still waiting for George Washington: Ghost Hunter, Teddy Roosevelt: Zombie Exterminator, Dwight Eisenhower: Alien Fighter, Harry Truman: Robot Destroyer, and Thomas Jefferson: Viking Annihilator.

Teddy Roosevelt doesn't need fiction to paint him as an invincible bad ass that you don't want to fuck with. We have history books for that.

Scars Unseen:

Alssadar:
I've been meaning to borrow the book from my friend, but nonetheless...

I'm still waiting for George Washington: Ghost Hunter, Teddy Roosevelt: Zombie Exterminator, Dwight Eisenhower: Alien Fighter, Harry Truman: Robot Destroyer, and Thomas Jefferson: Viking Annihilator.

Teddy Roosevelt doesn't need fiction to paint him as an invincible bad ass that you don't want to fuck with. We have history books for that.

Chaaaaaaaaaaaarge!

...anyway, McNulty chops a mean tree I'll grant him that. That isn't Dominic West though is it? It's someone else.

I suppose this sounds as insane as Churchill the Hollywood years, which replaced Churchill as we know him with an American GI, who ends up saving the world with a few thousand bullets!

But this sounds awesome too! A lot more beleivable than any of that Dan Brown rubbish that keeps getting produced! :P

Jaeke:
You know... i never thought that there could ever be a movie worse than Ghost Rider... I can always count on Tim Burton though to ruin anything that he can grab from the shitcluster that makes up about 75-90% of his imagination

You know this movie is based on a book right? Just asking cause in the post i cant tell if you are bashing him for fucking up the book (which i have no idea if its true or not) or just because it seems like a horrible premise..

OT: totally psyched and have my story goggles turned off and am looking forward to my 16 president of america laying the smacketh down on some vampires in some over the top goofiness.

I didn't know Abraham Lincoln was a badarse ninja!

Watched this earlier on today and I was never this enthusiastic about an american president choppin' up people!

BehattedWanderer:

Hal10k:

BehattedWanderer:

My willing suspension of disbelief is willing to accept the tasty alt-fantasy mash up gibberish goodness, but physics is physics. Unless their physics are different, in which case why is their world sticking together???, but I doubt such is the case.

Strict adherence to physics makes for boring movies. If throwing a tree into orbit makes for an absurdly awesome fight scene, then throw a tree into orbit we shall.

But...the tensile strength! And the direction of movement was perpendicular to the applied force! It makes no sense!

Oh fine. Have your impossible tree fight scene. I'm gonna get more chips, because this is looking to be a whole cow's worth of cheese.

*Grumble grumble* breaking physics *grumble grumble* material properties *grumble grumble*

The person chopping clearly has immense strength, so tensile strength can be ignored. The axe blade is a wedge, and thus is pushing the tree both up and down. Since the tree can't move down, the earth is there, the top part of the tree accelerates upwards due to the force of the axe wedging it up. Most of the force will be directed perpendicular to the tree, yes, but some, due to the angle of impact, will be directed upwards. That is how he can chop a tree up.

This gets the greenlight but Mountains of Madness gets cut? Don't get me wrong, this looks ... not unfunny, but come on!!!

the director of Wanted geearrrrghhhhh but harking back to Yahtzee it's nice to see some alternative history not set during the Cold War :P

Scars Unseen:

Alssadar:
I've been meaning to borrow the book from my friend, but nonetheless...

I'm still waiting for George Washington: Ghost Hunter, Teddy Roosevelt: Zombie Exterminator, Dwight Eisenhower: Alien Fighter, Harry Truman: Robot Destroyer, and Thomas Jefferson: Viking Annihilator.

Teddy Roosevelt doesn't need fiction to paint him as an invincible bad ass that you don't want to fuck with. We have history books for that.

so so so SO true :] esp can't argue with that 'stache

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