Watch Videogame Pick Up Lines Brutally Murder Romance

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Watch Videogame Pick Up Lines Brutally Murder Romance

With Valentine's Day behind us, let's take a moment to watch just how terribly our collective pastime can butcher the concept of male/female interaction.

There is a certain breed of male that considers itself incredibly dashing. The pinnacle of charm, if you will. No, I'm not speaking of The Escapist news team. Instead, I refer to the "pick-up artist."

This subgenre of the masculine gender seeks to boil dating down into a canny, near-scientific formula. By using a combination of silver-tongued wit and words proven to turn ladyfolk into insatiable walking avatars of lust, these dudes make panties disappear en masse (or so they would have us believe).

So willing are they to prove their talents at attracting the opposite sex that these fellas will take up any challenge to their abilities, including the task of namedropping famous videogames as part of their "game."

That video embedded at top-right offers a documentary-esque glimpse at the results. Now would be a good time to hit "play," but I warn you: That clip is not safe for work, school, home or anyone who might think these people are anything less than terribly creepy.

Now I don't want you to think that I'm merely talking down these guys (all of whom are members of a San Francisco-based pickup collective appropriately dubbed "Simple Pickup") merely because I'm far more charming than any of them. Nor do I show you this clip to illustrate how far from anything that could possibly be considered "romantic" do these gents stray in their futile attempts to turn classic games like Pac-Man, Call of Duty and StarCraft into useful invitations for sexy time.

Instead, I'm presenting this video purely for the benefit of our female readers. Ladies, if you are ever approached by anyone who clumsily mentions his or her favorite game in some kind of horrific sexual euphemism, for the good of the human species I implore you to wound them physically, preferably in a fashion that might prevent future procreation.

If these people are allowed to spread whatever genetic defect convinced them that any of this was a good idea, well ... I can only hope the inevitable, bloody rise of the machines wipes out the entire human species before we're forced to find out exactly what horrors that might entail.

Source: Kotaku

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Great, so now having games as a hobby gets gets you castrated. Wonderful. Truly a progressive society.

for the good of the human species I implore you to wound them physically, preferably in a fashion that might prevent future procreation.

Nice eugenics there, which is btw considered unethical. I have some master race breeding programs you might be interested in, care to join the Stormfront newsletter?

Thats videos still better than some of the things that turned up on the Capcom blog last week.

snowplow:
Great, so now having games as a hobby gets gets you castrated. Wonderful. Truly a progressive society.

for the good of the human species I implore you to wound them physically, preferably in a fashion that might prevent future procreation.

Nice eugenics there, which is btw considered unethical. I have some master race breeding programs you might be interested in, care to join the Stormfront newsletter?

You do realise that they're joking, right?

Anyway, this is pretty silly. I can't say I really care about it one way or the other, but it was certainly cringe worthy.

Man, that Starcraft line almost made me gag so hard that I almost vomited...
These literally make my brain hurt...

the forehead. it is not big enough. must acquire more...facepalm requires it...

Kyle 2175:

snowplow:
Great, so now having games as a hobby gets gets you castrated. Wonderful. Truly a progressive society.

for the good of the human species I implore you to wound them physically, preferably in a fashion that might prevent future procreation.

Nice eugenics there, which is btw considered unethical. I have some master race breeding programs you might be interested in, care to join the Stormfront newsletter?

You do realise that they're joking, right?

Anyway, this is pretty silly. I can't say I really care about it one way or the other, but it was certainly cringe worthy.

Nex was joking, but I'm gonna say we should follow through on his suggestion. Because...dear lord, this just shouldn't happen again. Ever. *shudder*

If you try these lines on your girlfriend, she'll become your Ex-box.

Susan Arendt:

Kyle 2175:

snowplow:
Great, so now having games as a hobby gets gets you castrated. Wonderful. Truly a progressive society.

Nice eugenics there, which is btw considered unethical. I have some master race breeding programs you might be interested in, care to join the Stormfront newsletter?

You do realise that they're joking, right?

Anyway, this is pretty silly. I can't say I really care about it one way or the other, but it was certainly cringe worthy.

Nex was joking, but I'm gonna say we should follow through on his suggestion. Because...dear lord, this just shouldn't happen again. Ever. *shudder*

The "Pac-man" IS still a better nickname than "The Situation"

"I would try to help these guys out, but they don't need any more Fuel."- Brother after reading this.

I think my face is sore from cringing so much. Owwww.

Especially the Resistance one. Was dangerously close to a rapist line.

The subtle ones were pretty good, like Perfect Dark, Uncharted and Dead Or Alive.

The others...not so much!

-You know what my fetish is?
-No.
-Jesus. Happy valentine's day *gives pamphlet*

Yeah, everything about this video was creepy...but that was the most disturbing for me. I don't think that girl understand what a fetish is. So like, if you say the word Jesus or start praying, she gets turned on or what? That's just creepy.

But what's even more disturbing is that most of their pick-up lines and convos worked! HOW?! Have I been doing it wrong this whole time?!

This is just ... bad. I stop halfway after the tomb raider bit.

To quote from a infamous cartoon "When does the hurting stop."

Beautiful End:
-You know what my fetish is?
-No.
-Jesus. Happy valentine's day *gives pamphlet*

Yeah, everything about this video was creepy...but that was the most disturbing for me. I don't think that girl understand what a fetish is. So like, if you say the word Jesus or start praying, she gets turned on or what? That's just creepy.

But what's even more disturbing is that most of their pick-up lines and convos worked! HOW?! Have I been doing it wrong this whole time?!

its fake. thats why it works.

"My penis is so big you will be in Max Payne."

I was surprised she stuck around after the first three words frankly. I hope she won't press charges. :P

Beautiful End:
...

When I lived in the US I new a guy who went around bars asking attractive looking women if 'you wanna fuck?'. 9 times out of 10 he'd get a slap but he never spent a night alone using this method.

Those weren't even funny, they were just terrible...
things like "I'd like to Nydus your main." are at least clever, but they were just interjecting video game names needlessly, I doubt most of the references were even noticed.

gellert1984:

Beautiful End:
...

When I lived in the US I new a guy who went around bars asking attractive looking women if 'you wanna fuck?'. 9 times out of 10 he'd get a slap but he never spent a night alone using this method.

Wow. I...uhh...I guess I've been lucky for I've never met people like that, men nor women.

I still prefer to date people who are interested in something else other than sex, thank you very much. :/

Somehow I knew it was -them- (that particular group).

It's ALWAYS them

I only got about 2 mins into the video before I had to make the pain go away. If any guys said some of those things to me I would call the police.

gellert1984:

Beautiful End:
...

When I lived in the US I new a guy who went around bars asking attractive looking women if 'you wanna fuck?'. 9 times out of 10 he'd get a slap but he never spent a night alone using this method.

This approach is at least honest, that's probably why it worked. Sometimes the direct approach is a refreshing change.

Hey vagineer, we should Deus Ex. I don't wanna become your S.T.A.L.K.E.R., so let me pound your Bastion into Oblivion. Sex is a multiplayer thing, you know? You want my wiimote in your sexbox, my mass effect in your portal.

Wait, did that last girl say "Uhh...I guess?" when propositioned to do it without contraception? The hell? Please tell me there aren't really people that dumb.

And subtlety and charisma seem to be a lost art. Damn that's terrifying. Makes me proud of my own efforts and successes, which at least weren't propositioning people for what would have to be really terrible sex.

snowplow:

Nice eugenics there, which is btw considered unethical.

Haha ethics are optional. Sensible women are not.

Blunderboy:
"My penis is so big you will be in Max Payne."

I was surprised she stuck around after the first three words frankly. I hope she won't press charges. :P

Agreed but her response was priceless.

gellert1984:

Beautiful End:
...

When I lived in the US I new a guy who went around bars asking attractive looking women if 'you wanna fuck?'. 9 times out of 10 he'd get a slap but he never spent a night alone using this method.

Well, cast a wide enough net and you're bound to catch something as there are plenty of fish in the sea.

draythefingerless:
the forehead. it is not big enough. must acquire more...facepalm requires it...

And reinforcing the bone might help, for I'm sure the facepalm required for this video will have a lot of force behind it XD

Wait, since when has the Internet not liked bad puns and people making fools of themselves for your amusement?

That was quite funny.
Sure wasn't classy and is quite possibly fake(the Max Payne line? C'mon), but funny nonetheless.

They successfully proved that douchebags can get dumb women's numbers.....S L O W C L A P

Tipsy Giant:
They successfully proved that douchebags can get dumb women's numbers.....S L O W C L A P

And also that forever alone be very judgemental and jealous.

Oh my god! This was awful! The set ups were so awkward.
The Max Payne one was deffinately the worst.
That said, keep it up.

Gotta love the Jesus cockblock.
Anyway these guys were just going out of their way to be creepy. Which I love but still. I feel bad for the poor girls who had to deal with their bullshit.

Anyway I saw a video just like this about 6 months ago with the exact same concept. Cept it was waaaaaaaaaaaay more awkward but less rapey...

I'm no pickup artist but crap those are the shittiest pick up lines I think I've ever witnessed.

There are no words... but there is this!

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most of them were awful, but some really worked, like the Halo one, or call of duty. (both games i personally hate, but yes they are culturally significant)

JoelChenFA:

Tipsy Giant:
They successfully proved that douchebags can get dumb women's numbers.....S L O W C L A P

And also that forever alone be very judgemental and jealous.

Jealous? any idiot can pick up these girls, they proved as much. I wouldn't wanna go near any girl who doesn't have the self respect to walk away when propositioned by a moron.
Judgemental? If we can't judge these numptys who can we judge?

Great, so I'm not allowed to use game puns anymore?

How else am I supposed to pick up people and test for similar interests at the same time?

While I'm mildly annoyed that those women, who very clearly didn't get the references, would willingly give their numbers out. I gotta say...a couple of those were disturbingly amusing. Perfect Dark, Uncharted/Uncharted 2, Oregon Trail...I laughed so hard. Then I realized they were pickup lines and I cried because some of them worked.

On a mildly related note, I will say that if someone used the pacman line on me, I probably would give them a shot, if only because it amused me and I'd actually get it.

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