How to Survive an Alien Invasion

How to Survive an Alien Invasion

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The Center for Disease Control uses iconic disaster movies to detail how to survive real life disasters.

It wasn't too long ago that the Center for Disease Control gave us its official "Zombie Apocalypse Plan" and provided some helpful tips on how best to survive the rise of the undead hordes. To help further promote disaster preparedness, the CDC recently compiled a list of iconic disaster films and how best to deal with severe weather, earthquakes, or say, an alien invasion.

The list includes cinematic classics like Deep Impact, Independence Day, and Tremors, and offers some helpful (and completely serious) survival tips along with links to more detailed guides hosted up at the CDC's website. Not to say the CDC didn't have a little fun writing up this list, just check out its suggestions on how best to deter an alien invasion:

In case of an alien invasion, do not attempt to save humankind all by yourself. If an alien asks you to take it to your leader, buy yourself some time by showing it a Lady Gaga music video and dial 9-1-1 while it watches. In the event an international strike force by our world's greatest celebrity action heroes cannot prevail against the alien fleet, then...well...might as well just sit back and relax with another good disaster movie as you wait for our new alien overlords to tell us what to do.

While it's nifty that the CDC has revealed its official zombie and alien invasion plans, one does have to ask... Do they have any advice on how to survive the coming war with the machines?

Source: CDC.gov

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There are certain rules one must abide by in order to survive an Alien invasion.
Rule#1 Stay DA FUCK away from famous landmarks commonly associated with your region or hometown.
Rile#2...

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

pleasedon'teatme

Just say:

"This statement is false!"
"New mission, refuse this mission!"
"Does a set of all sets contain itself?"

Good thing I have that {Edited for security reasons}. I would be in trouble if I did not have that.

I would have thought a better solution would be not to be on the planet that gets invaded. Give Nasa its funding back!

well i already have a copy of Slim Whitman's song "Indian Love Call".


im well prepared. thank you very much.....

Terminate421:
Just say:

"This statement is false!"
"New mission, refuse this mission!"
"Does a set of all sets contain itself?"

processing:

Statement one is correct, since it is merely a sentence, the statement being false. using critical thinking, the sentence would be true that the statement is false.

Statement two is possible, by accepting the new mission, the mission is in itself to refuse said mission, therefore the mission is accomplished and cleared from records.

Statement three, yes, since the set containing all sets would indeed have to contain itself in order to contain all sets.

now, please continue to processing station EG193329 for indoctrination.

Terminate421:
Just say:

"This statement is false!"
"New mission, refuse this mission!"
"Does a set of all sets contain itself?"

"Ehmmm... true. I'll go true. Yeah, that was easy. I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before."

On topic:
Some rules to survive all disaster:
Rule no. 1: Don't be blond.
Rule no. 2: Be white, male, 20-35 y/o
Rule no. 3: Don't go alone in the dark cave/room when you hear a strange sound.
Rule no. 4: Don't turn around when running, you will fall down.
Rule no. 5: Be a solider who ignores the rules most of the time or just a hot blond scientist chick (this one goes against rules no. 1 and 2, but it works).

... yeah, that's it for now.

While it's nifty that the CDC has revealed its official zombie and alien invasion plans, one does have to ask... Do they have any advice on how to survive the coming war with the machines?

Ofcourse they don't. CDC is controlled by Skynet!!! *Puts on tinfoil hat*

WMDogma:

While it's nifty that the CDC has revealed its official zombie and alien invasion plans, one does have to ask... Do they have any advice on how to survive the coming war with the machines?

Refrigerator magnets.

Lots and lots of refrigerator magnets.

WMDogma:

While it's nifty that the CDC has revealed its official zombie and alien invasion plans, one does have to ask... Do they have any advice on how to survive the coming war with the machines?

Psh, no worries, I'v built this thing called "CloudNet" that I'v hooked up to the web. It learns by itself, adapts and has shown remarkable cunning and ingenuity! I'v specifically created it to help us deal with any robot uprisings.

But CDC, how do we survive the assault of the Mole Men?! You of all people should know, none can defeat the Hearld of the Mole Men, Hans!

Call the X-Com emergency contact hotline, and pray to God you don't get a commander who writes off most civilian casualties.

Because Hollywood is really realistic and accurate...

I can escape an earthquake driving a Winnebago

BiH-Kira:

Terminate421:
Just say:

"This statement is false!"
"New mission, refuse this mission!"
"Does a set of all sets contain itself?"

"Ehmmm... true. I'll go true. Yeah, that was easy. I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before."

On topic:
Some rules to survive all disaster:
Rule no. 1: Don't be blond.
Rule no. 2: Be white, male, 20-35 y/o
Rule no. 3: Don't go alone in the dark cave/room when you hear a strange sound.
Rule no. 4: Don't turn around when running, you will fall down.
Rule no. 5: Be a solider who ignores the rules most of the time or just a hot blond scientist chick (this one goes against rules no. 1 and 2, but it works).

... yeah, that's it for now.

But...Rule #1 is Cardio

The Rogue Wolf:

WMDogma:

While it's nifty that the CDC has revealed its official zombie and alien invasion plans, one does have to ask... Do they have any advice on how to survive the coming war with the machines?

Refrigerator magnets.

Lots and lots of refrigerator magnets.

Hard drive magnets would be better. Even if the machines use flash-based storage those magnets can still pack quite a punch if thrown! Or just use an EM Bomb on their control centre to disable them entirely. If they are using decentralized control mechanisms then try to isolate the robots from each other by using jammers to disrupt their wireless communication systems

rhizhim:
snip

I'm with you man. We can just chill and pump out the music at full.

Nuke them from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Sneeze on em?

Terminate421:
But...Rule #1 is Cardio

Agreed.
I am sticking to my zombie apocalypse rules when the aliens come.

Terminate421:

BiH-Kira:
[quote="Terminate421" post="7.354110.14061679"]Just say:
On topic:
Some rules to survive all disaster:
Rule no. 1: Don't be blond.
Rule no. 2: Be white, male, 20-35 y/o
Rule no. 3: Don't go alone in the dark cave/room when you hear a strange sound.
Rule no. 4: Don't turn around when running, you will fall down.
Rule no. 5: Be a solider who ignores the rules most of the time or just a hot blond scientist chick (this one goes against rules no. 1 and 2, but it works).

... yeah, that's it for now.

But...Rule #1 is Cardio

Damn you, Man! That is for Zombies! We're dealing with Aliens! You just made little Timmy confused and now he's either watching his guts strewn across the field or is getting anally probed! (don't know which is worse)

Get on the Ball!!!

Oh, also, does anyone have rules for surviving an alien invasion if you're a minority? Preferably one that doesn't have a rule 'Turn into a white dude' in it?

Yes they do have a plan for fighting AI. Well that is I assume they do as I heard ages ago that most govs have plans like this in place. They have a plan for every conceivable situation that we can come up with as they believe it helps their readiness and they use it in computer sims to help show how actually pandemics might go.

How to survive the war with the machines?
Well, be a machine, that's it.
All you have to do is get rid of that meatbag you meatbags call a body and replace it with robotic parts.

Apparently you need a catalyst of some sort.

Don't let Shepard deal with it, it will go fine at first but in won't End well.

But tell us CDC, how do we survive the ongoing and relentless Pony invasion?

BiH-Kira:

Terminate421:
Just say:

"This statement is false!"
"New mission, refuse this mission!"
"Does a set of all sets contain itself?"

"Ehmmm... true. I'll go true. Yeah, that was easy. I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before."

On topic:
Some rules to survive all disaster:
Rule no. 1: Don't be blond.
Rule no. 2: Be white, male, 20-35 y/o
Rule no. 3: Don't go alone in the dark cave/room when you hear a strange sound.
Rule no. 4: Don't turn around when running, you will fall down.
Rule no. 5: Be a solider who ignores the rules most of the time or just a hot blond scientist chick (this one goes against rules no. 1 and 2, but it works).

... yeah, that's it for now.

A few additions:
If you're a white female, 20-35 y/o, make sure you stick to white, male, 20-35 y/o to maximize chances of survival.
If you are black or Hispanic, be prepared, you will NOT survive, regardless of your actions. (Notable exceptions to this rule have been black males working under direct advise/supervision of white male)
If you are Asian, proceed with caution, there is insufficient research/data available on your chances of survival.
If you are traveling in a group and you come across an obstacle (e.g. alien encounter), allow white male to take the lead, and stay as far away from black male in party as possible, in case you get caught in events that will inevitably lead to black male's demise.
Make sure you confess love, thank and say goodbye to black male in advance, because he will not be with you at your final destination.
If white male is aged >35 y/o, assess him for signs of being a trigger-happy red-neck. If positive, his chances of survival are approximately equal to black male.
If you are white male, 20-35 y/o traveling in party, assess your party. If there are other white males 20-35 y/o around as well as white females, then be cautious. When white females get into a jam, attempt to rescue them at own risk (chances of successful rescue ~95%; chances of yourself making it out alive ~5%).

Well, thats what hollywood taught me.

 

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