U.S. Government Denies Existence of Mermaids

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U.S. Government Denies Existence of Mermaids

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The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration of the United States Department of Commerce wants you to know that mermaids are not real.

We all know that mermaids are half-human, half-fish creatures of the sea that have been a fixture in folklore for thousands of years. But what a lot of us don't seem to know is that they're not actually real, they don't exist and never have. So to clarify the situation for everyone, the NOAA has posted a brief article in its "Ocean Facts" section entitled, "No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found."

"The belief in mermaids may have arisen at the very dawn of our species. Magical female figures first appear in cave paintings in the late Paleolithic (Stone Age) period some 30,000 years ago, when modern humans gained dominion over the land and, presumably, began to sail the seas," it says.

"But are mermaids real? No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found," it continues. "Why, then, do they occupy the collective unconscious of nearly all seafaring peoples? That's a question best left to historians, philosophers, and anthropologists."

The outpouring of information was apparently prompted by Mermaids: The Body Found, a show "that makes a strong case for the existence of the mermaid, a creature with a surprisingly human evolutionary history, whose ancestral branch splits off from a shared human root." It aired on Animal Planet in May, and while a bit of small print in the middle of the press blurb reveals that "the film is science fiction," at least two people have since written to the NOAA inquiring about them.

This isn't the first time an agency of the U.S. government has issued this sort of bizarre but nonetheless official denial; in November 2011, the government issued a formal denial of contact with extraterrestrial civilizations.

Source: BBC

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Well, thanks. I needed a chuckle.
Glad to know that after all these years, I was in fact, perfectly sane in denying the existence of mermaids.

Suspiciously quite on the subject of Bigfeet.

A suspiciously specific denial can only mean one thing....Mermaids exist!

Why must The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration of the United States Department of Commerce always dash my dreams...

its always them

Flying Dutchman?, Kraken?, didn't exist according to them, and now Mermaids?

Damn you The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration of the United States Department of Commerce, damn you for making my life a little sadder once again.

*cries into a martini*

Well, if they are denying it, what do they have to cover up?

malestrithe:
Well, if they are denying it, what do they have to cover up?

Reverse mermaid, that's what.
They never said anything about those!

This denial seems a little fishy to me.

I'm so sorry... :P

What!?!?

No.... NO.... NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

This just in Area 51 is really where the moon landing took place.

Thanks America, this public service announcement has been a great help clearing up all the controversy. Though I do expect conspiracy theorists to dive off the deep end again. Government cover up.

Mermaids dont exist? well no sh*t sherlock

... is anyone else at all concerned that this had to be said? Is the department of defence going to confirm the non-existence of the boogyman next?

Calcium:
This denial seems a little fishy to me.

I'm so sorry... :P

But They've sure got the gills to deny the existence of mermaids, haven't they?

Okay...That was bad. I'm going back to my game now

Exocet:

malestrithe:
Well, if they are denying it, what do they have to cover up?

Reverse mermaid, that's what.
They never said anything about those!

They exist, Red Dwarf says so:

I wonder where the idea of mermaids originally came from? Was it literally just some dude with imagination or was it remotely inspired by something?

So wait, why does the government want crazy people to believe there are mermaids?

Because you know that's all this is going to accomplish, right government?

IIRC, the US government cannot confirm or deny anything about ongoing secret CIA stuff.

So, if you asked them about mermaids, they can't say they don't exist.

Sooo...will the now unacknowledged American mermaids form a support group in order to have this statement overturned?

Almost makes paying taxes worth it.

Pfft.

How stupid they have to be to even consider the existence of mermaids. God, the fairies will be really angry to hear about this.

Thank god for that, I can swim in the sea again.

They won't be able to keep it a secret for long *readies pitchfork* WHERE IS ARIEL!

Well, I thought they weren't real before, but now that they're denying it without being asked...
I'm starting to have my doubts...

There go my wet dreams :(

Calcium:
This denial seems a little fishy to me.

I'm so sorry... :P

mad825:
But They've sure got the gills to deny the existence of mermaids, haven't they?

Okay...That was bad. I'm going back to my game now

That sound you hear is the whole world whaling at those terrible puns you two made. I hope you realize the depth of your crimes against comedy: if there was any justice I'd have you both exiled to Finland.

And they felt the need to state this why?

I feel like quoting Yes Minister.

"The first rule of politics: never believe anything until it's been officially denied."

Kind of weird they just went up and said "Mermaids aren't real. That is all."

I smell a cover up. We need Michael Moore to do a movie about this.

The.Bard:
What!?!?

No.... NO.... NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

A million The Little Mermaid fan's voices cried out and were silenced...

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Next thing you know they'll tell us R'lyeh doesn't exist... The fools

NO.

It's a mass cover up by the mermaids who have seduced the US Government, using their very own personal pools conveniently connected to the oceans!

They are going to rule the US Government and soon the rest of the world in the dark watery shadows of the Presidents bathroom and soon they shall rise up their armies and flood the entire world with... with...

Soon the orangedrink man will rise up in rebellion with Cthulhu, Michael Jackson and Zeus as they all want a piece of the tasty mermaid tail and their mammary glands.

That is correct, rise up! Rise up! FIGHT THE MERMAIDS CONSPIRACY!

I always assumed mermaids were just seals or sea lions as seen by some VERY lonely early sailors...

But... what about the children? You monsters! Now parents will have to work extra hard teaching their kids about... stuff.

... Nobody was thinking about them before this happened.

Which means either they felt like messing with people, or they were trying to cover up a secret genetic engineering experiment gone horribly wrong!!!

I'll guess the former

Well at least it's a step in the right direction. Maybe once they officially recognize the lack of evidence for fairies and unicorns they can grow some balls and admit gods probably don't exist either.

Jandau:
I always assumed mermaids were just seals or sea lions as seen by some VERY lonely early sailors...

Did they really need to tell us this? Are their really people out looking for MERMAIDS?

It almost sounds like they have something to hide... >_>

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