Russian Supercriminal Makes Off With 80,000 Pounds of Walnuts

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OH MY GOD.

He's going to combine the stolen Maple Syrup and the stolen walnuts to create some kind of SUPER NUT SYRUP.

...

When I watched cartoons as a kid I was informed Super Villainy was more glamorous than this. Good to know the reality won't get me to default to the darkside.

Susan Arendt:
I think what I love most about this is not that he stole 80,000 pounds of walnuts, but rather that he stole 40,000 pounds of walnuts twice.

Then again, what is there NOT to love about this story?

I like to think it was all a huge accident, and that this guy was actually trying to steal an entirely different thing, failed, ended up with nuts, tried again, Repeat.

I also think this story would be all the more hilarious if the guy was allergic to peanuts.

JonB:
Russian Supercriminal Makes Off With 80,000 Pounds of Walnuts

The nut-thieving conman is described as a 6' 2" Caucasian male with a "very distinctive Russian accent" driving a white semi.

OMIGOD IT'S NIKO FUCKING BELLICK!
He must have seen saints row the third and gotten ideas!

scorptatious:
Looks like Lex Luthor has some competition.

image

But... those are pies.

OT: what the hell? Are those really going to be worth the trouble he had to go to in order to steal them? Must... resist... bad pun

I'm sure someones already made this comment but, this guy sees to me to be a total nut-case!

I'd love to see what the headline of this story would be on the news. It'd probably say " This man had some balls to steal their nuts ".

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vote for austin powers villan

You'd wonder: What exactly do black-market walnuts go for these days? Do they have a street value?

That's a fine cache to squirrel away for retirement.

I can only think that this is all some sort of training exercise for some larger heist. Like they're planning to steal some secret space laser or something, and they need to practice ahead of time.

Charli:
OH MY GOD.

He's going to combine the stolen Maple Syrup and the stolen walnuts to create some kind of SUPER NUT SYRUP.

No, I have a better guess. I agree with the article that this is a food stealing ring and I believe there is a dastardly plan in the works to make a gigantic batch of grandma's famous maple walnut bars.

Sonic Doctor:
No, I have a better guess. I agree with the article that this is a food stealing ring and I believe there is a dastardly plan in the works to make a gigantic batch of grandma's famous maple walnut bars.

Or maybe one giant maple walnut bar that will be the undoing of civilization as we know it.

I'm reminded of an episode from "Bonkers" that involved the toon and Lucky Piquel trying to apprehend a toon squirrel that was so fond of macadamias he broke into nut warehouses to get his fill.

Fuck, maybe someone in the Russian mob in California is just *really* into nuts. Or maybe nut shipments are a good way to smuggle something else...

Here I was thinking I'd be the most clever person alive by making a nut-related pun, only to have that joy stripped from me by every other person to comment on this thread. Sadface.

Anyways, I expected so much better from a country who gave us every single super villain in the history of the world. The story is still hilariously entertaining, though.

Batou667:
Obligatory...

Low-content warning?

Fine, guess I'll make a point in future of padding out my posts with needless waffle even when it's completely unwarranted.

Thanks, Mods! XD

Nut-related puns aside, isn't it obvious? What would you do with 80000 pounds of nuts?
Two words:
SQUIRREL.
ARMY.
Haven't you seen those teeth? They can gouge a person's eyes out and burrow into his brain in roughly 8.72 seconds!
PREPARE YOURSELVES, THE SQUIRRELS ARE COMING, THE SQUIRRELS ARE COMING!

image

My ... god...
It has begun.

I have no words to express what I'm feeling right now.

No man needs that many nuts.

What would you do with all those nuts? I'd probably make the biggest vat of peanut butter ever and swim in it like Scrooge McDuck!

It makes since if you don't think about it.

It's not like walnuts just grow on trees.

scorptatious:
Looks like Lex Luthor has some competition.

image

I've heard of people stealing sweet rolls before, but this really takes the cake.

OT: Wal I bet no one saw that coming.

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