Galactic Empire Responds to White House Petition

Galactic Empire Responds to White House Petition

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Refusal to construct a Death Star amounts to cowardice, says the Empire.

Millions of voices cried out and were suddenly silenced last week when the U.S. government put the kibosh on the petition for a real-life, working Death Star. While denizens of the United States were no doubt disappointed that their nation would not receive the protection of a moon-sized killing ball, not everyone felt so dejected. The Galactic Empire's public relations arm stepped in and penned a smugly superior press release, suggesting that the people of Earth were too primitive for such dangerous technology, and too short-sighted to see its financial benefits.

"It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire," says Wilhuff Tarkin, an Imperial governor. "Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine." The press release describes Earth itself as "aggressive" and its people as "bellicose," perhaps believing that a Death Star in the hands of such a race could constitute a palpable threat to the orderly Empire.

Even so, the Galactic Empire Public Relations organization has harsh words for the White House's response, calling it an act of "obvious cowardice." Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet notes, "The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated." The initial petition cited the Death Star's cost at an affordable $850,000,000,000,000,000, although Motti also points out that Earth lacks the breadth and sophistication of Imperial shipbuilding techniques. The admiral urges loyal Imperial citizens to disregard any propaganda from Earth suggesting that the Death Star might have an easily exploitable weakness. "Any attacks made upon such a station - should one ever be built - would be a useless gesture."

At this time, President Obama has no plans to meet with Emperor Palpatine to discuss the issue. The people of Earth should probably be relieved that they are - so far - beneath the contempt of the mighty Galactic Empire. Just in case, though, remember these magic words: The Rebel base is on Dantooine.

Source: Star Wars Blog

Image: Wookieepedia

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"Just in case, though, remember these magic words: The Rebel base is on Dantooine."

Cause that did Alderaan so much good?

My favourite depiction of the Empire was in TIE Fighter, where they really did seem like they were trying to maintain order in such a lawless galaxy, and whenever they talked about the Emperor, it was usually in a much more matter of fact 'commander in chief' kind of way- seemed way more believable than the way the Empire is usually depicted...

"breadth and sophistication of Imperial shipbuilding techniques."
Well EXCUUUUUUUUUUUSE me Admiral. We can't all have access to Wookie slave labor. You can shuv this press release right up your thermal exhaust port.

Well, that escalated quickly.

Whoever writes these things is a f***ing champion.

I was under the impression that I was a Star Wars fanatic. As I've never publicly called out thew U.S. government for not building an actual Death Star, I totally concede to the actual fanatics.

Oh, this is getting sillier and sillier.

I love it.

Oh this is priceless. I really hope this continues to go back and forth with the fun responses. Yeah it's pointless, but dammit this is fun! Government, don't fail me now!

Well.

Y'know.

So long a certain blue-skinned Imperial officer doesn't take a look at our art, I'm pretty sure we'll be all right under Imperial control, no Death Star notwithstanding...

I'm betting that if you took the words 'death star' out, and worded it more commonly, like 'expanding US defense policies towards space' and throw in some terms like 'homeland security', you could get a few conservatives upset and complaining about how bad Obama is that he didn't carry out that petition.

This is... GENIUS!

Blablahb:
I'm betting that if you took the words 'death star' out, and worded it more commonly, like 'expanding US defense policies towards space' and throw in some terms like 'homeland security', you could get a few conservatives upset and complaining about how bad Obama is that he didn't carry out that petition.

But then again, you don't need much to upset conservatives or make them complain about Obama.

An Annihilation Bomb has already been created. It could destroy the Death Star easily. Until you have advanced targeting and Laser systems ready to destroy an Asteroid coming for earth beyond Mars orbit, then it's unpractical to build, but not un-important to explore those possibilities.

Pebble:
Whoever writes these things is a f***ing champion.

8Billion dollars well spent by Disney if we get these sort of press releases if you ask me.

This is probably the funnyist and most well written post/thing I have ever read... :)

DigitalSushi:

Pebble:
Whoever writes these things is a f***ing champion.

8Billion dollars well spent by Disney if we get these sort of press releases if you ask me.

billion? look at those zeros again.

Remember if we don't build th Death Star the rebels win

Vault Citizen:
Remember if we don't build th Death Star the rebels win

The Empire build the Death Star and the Rebels still won.

DVS BSTrD:
"breadth and sophistication of Imperial shipbuilding techniques."
Well EXCUUUUUUUUUUUSE me Admiral. We can't all have access to Wookie slave labor. You can shuv this press release right up your thermal exhaust port.

As well as these two proton torpedoes...

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soren7550:

Vault Citizen:
Remember if we don't build th Death Star the rebels win

The Empire build the Death Star and the Rebels still won.

Shh, don't discuss drawbacks in front of potential buyers

I for one welcome our new imperial overlords!

No, you gotta word your petition differently! I'm telling you, name it "Morning Star" or "Shining Star" or something like that it will sound more appealing.
Oh, and get rid of its middle weak point. Or at least cover it up or something.

I'm still surprised the White House actually considered this petition at all as opposed to dismissing it as a fanboy's joke. Which is kind of what it is. Guess they needed a quick laugh.

Beautiful End:
No, you gotta word your petition differently! I'm telling you, name it "Morning Star" or "Shining Star" or something like that it will sound more appealing.
Oh, and get rid of its middle weak point. Or at least cover it up or something.

I'm still surprised the White House actually considered this petition at all as opposed to dismissing it as a fanboy's joke. Which is kind of what it is. Guess they needed a quick laugh.

They couldn't. It gained the necessary number of signatures to warrant a response, which was given (Although the response was as much of a joke as the petition itself was).

To counter the whole weakness point. why not just make that shaft oh idk. offset. something so that torpedos cant just fly straight down into it.

Ot: as an imperial sniper in swtor. i feel good about the empire. it keeps the peace :D

uchytjes:

DigitalSushi:

Pebble:
Whoever writes these things is a f***ing champion.

8Billion dollars well spent by Disney if we get these sort of press releases if you ask me.

billion? look at those zeros again.

I don't follow, sorry.

Disney acquired LucasFilm (the owner of Star Wars) for 8 bajillion dollars, basically a whole bunch of zero's after an 8, I believe.

DigitalSushi:

uchytjes:

DigitalSushi:

8Billion dollars well spent by Disney if we get these sort of press releases if you ask me.

billion? look at those zeros again.

I don't follow, sorry.

Disney acquired LucasFilm (the owner of Star Wars) for 8 bajillion dollars, basically a whole bunch of zero's after an 8, I believe.

OOPS. I thought you were referring to the number in the story for the estimated cost of construction for the death star, which is 8.5 quadrillion dollars.

Harker067:
"Just in case, though, remember these magic words: The Rebel base is on Dantooine."

Cause that did Alderaan so much good?

Unless you're in Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic, because then you really are giving away the location of the Rebel base!

Move along Imperials, move along.

Let's lay low guys. I don't want Canada to go all Hoth on me.

pfff, The Empire fails to realize the long game we are playing

I bet the goverment now is thiking "damn, it's a trap".

well realistically they probably didnt even see it. now lets make a new 100.000 votes petition?

We're almost 16 trillion dollars in dept, we haven't balanced the budget, the rest of the planet sees us as war mongerers, the last thing the US government can afford to do right now is build a gigantic super weapon. Unlike the empire we can't tax every citizen 90% and use droid/slave labour, perhaps the Emperor would understand that if he had even the faintest inkling of how to run an actual democracy.

OlasDAlmighty:
We're almost 16 trillion dollars in dept, we haven't balanced the budget, the rest of the planet sees us as war mongerers, the last thing the US government can afford to do right now is build a gigantic super weapon. Unlike the empire we can't tax every citizen 90% and use droid/slave labour, perhaps the Emperor would understand that if he had even the faintest inkling of how to run an actual democracy.

But that's just it, the emperor doesn't know how to properly run a democracy! Even when he was a part of one and at the head of one, it was part of his plan to turn it into a dictatorship/empire. The man is an 'EMPEROR' that is destroying entire planets full of civilians to get at the rebels, I don't think he regards tax and economy as being all that important or he would realise the effect on the galactic economy wiping out entire ecosystems and planets from existence.

 

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