The "World's Most Retarded Gaming Consoles"

The "World's Most Retarded Gaming Consoles"

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Ever heard of the Fairchild Channel F? How about the Epoch Cassette Vision? No? Maybe that's because they're two of the "Six Most Retarded Gaming Consoles Ever Released."

The list, assembled by Cracked.com, features some consoles you may have heard of, and at least a few you almost certainly haven't. The Vectrex, for instance, should be familiar to all gamers of a certain age, as will the reason for its abject failure to catch on: Two-color vector graphics that turned every game into white lines drawn on a black background. The solution? Small sheets of colored plastic that could be laid onto the screen to change the white lines to colors like red or blue. Genius!

Less familiar, at least to me, is the SuperGrafx, a 1989 successor to the TurboGrafx 16. While something of an also-ran in North America, the Japanese version of the TG16, known as the PC Engine, dominated the Japanese market, and thus NEC decided to improve the system's graphics capabilities and offer a CD-ROM add-on.

All well and good, but for one fatal flaw: It was expensive as hell. The base system was $300 without the CD-ROM and SuperGrafx-specific games retailed for about $110 each; fortunately for budget-conscious yet weak-willed owners, only five SuperGrafx-specific games were ever actually made. The unit was backwards compatible with original PC Engine titles, but for people who already owned one of those systems the motivation for an upgrade was very slim.

Other entries on the list include the Atari 2600 predecessor Fairchild Channel F and the handheld train wreck from Sega, the Nomad. But are these really as bad as it gets? Most of these systems seem more like victims of their era than actual bad designs; it's easy to hold certain assumptions about consoles now, but 30 years ago this was all brand-new territory. Criticism of the durability of the Channel F, for instance, described as "brittle as uncooked spaghetti," seems particularly ironic in light of Microsoft's Red Ring of Death fiasco. But hey, it's not my list.

What do you think? Do these consoles really go "full retard," or are they just home entertainment Rain Men who got a bad rap? Check out Cracked.com's list of the "Six Most Retarded Gaming Consoles Ever Released" here, then let us know!

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A better question is, "Have you heard of the Wii?"

Tolkienfanatic:
A better question is, "Have you heard of the Wii?"

Harsh. Care to elaborate on that? Have you ever heard of a PS3? To coin the phrase, "this list is retarded". I don't care how silly the consoles may be, I despise insulting usage of the term "retard".

Slow news day, huh?

I...disagree whole-heartedly. At least half of the systems he mentioned just failed by existing at the wrong time, or having just one design flaw.

Indigo_Dingo:
Slow news day, huh?

my sentiments exactly

Hmmm, I'm kind of surprised that the Virtual Boy didn't make the list. Pretty entertaining read.

Lord_Ascendant:

Indigo_Dingo:
Slow news day, huh?

my sentiments exactly

You guys have no sense of humor. Read it for what it was made for. TO ENTERTAIN.

image

"Now with two different ways to play Pong!"

I mean, really. If these things are not shining examples of "full retard", I don't know what is.

I was too busy looking at this.

wtf?

Tolkienfanatic:
A better question is, "Have you heard of the Wii?"

totally the wii

the wii is more retarded than any of those. at least when u throw sumthing on there a peice of crap system throw a wii remote u just broke your 50" plasma. the term that pops up beside your head is... "Now what?"

Oh man. The Sega Nomad. I'd totally forgotten about that piece of crap. And Vectrex too. God, even when I was just a little punk kid, I still thought the Vectrex was ass just from reading about it in a magazine.

Radelaide:

Lord_Ascendant:

Indigo_Dingo:
Slow news day, huh?

my sentiments exactly

You guys have no sense of humor. Read it for what it was made for. TO ENTERTAIN.

Since when did the Escapist parade updates on third rate online humour websites when they run an article thats sure to tread on a few toes? Whats next, are we gonna be getting constant updates on Old Wizard and their "GAEMZ R STOOPID NOA, ONLI OLD GAEMZ R GUD!"(that actually hurt to write)?

Indigo_Dingo:
Since when did the Escapist parade updates on third rate online humour websites when they run an article thats sure to tread on a few toes? Whats next, are we gonna be getting constant updates on Old Wizard and their "GAEMZ R STOOPID NOA, ONLI OLD GAEMZ R GUD!"(that actually hurt to write)?

Well Tropic Thunder did just come out on DVD, and there is always room to quote Robert Downey Jr.

shatnershaman:

Indigo_Dingo:
Since when did the Escapist parade updates on third rate online humour websites when they run an article thats sure to tread on a few toes? Whats next, are we gonna be getting constant updates on Old Wizard and their "GAEMZ R STOOPID NOA, ONLI OLD GAEMZ R GUD!"(that actually hurt to write)?

Well Tropic Thunder did just come out on DVD, and there is always room to quote Robert Downey Jr.

Huh? Remember when we talked about not posting while drunk?

Indigo_Dingo:

shatnershaman:

Indigo_Dingo:
Since when did the Escapist parade updates on third rate online humour websites when they run an article thats sure to tread on a few toes? Whats next, are we gonna be getting constant updates on Old Wizard and their "GAEMZ R STOOPID NOA, ONLI OLD GAEMZ R GUD!"(that actually hurt to write)?

Well Tropic Thunder did just come out on DVD, and there is always room to quote Robert Downey Jr.

Huh? Remember when we talked about not posting while drunk?

Did you see Tropic Thunder?

Malygris:
Do these consoles really go "full retard,"

"full retard" is from Robert Downey Jr's character from Tropic Thunder.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8kxKToXN1Q

Flamethread ahoy!

Indigo_Dingo:

Radelaide:

Lord_Ascendant:

Indigo_Dingo:
Slow news day, huh?

my sentiments exactly

You guys have no sense of humor. Read it for what it was made for. TO ENTERTAIN.

Since when did the Escapist parade updates on third rate online humour websites when they run an article thats sure to tread on a few toes? Whats next, are we gonna be getting constant updates on Old Wizard and their "GAEMZ R STOOPID NOA, ONLI OLD GAEMZ R GUD!"(that actually hurt to write)?

Were you born without a sense of humor? It's making fun of the games industry for a couple of mistakes. It's another perspective. LAUGH not flame.

So was Nomad before or after Gamegear, which also chewed through batteries like a lesbian chews through carpet...

peel15:
the wii is more retarded than any of those. at least when u throw sumthing on there a peice of crap system throw a wii remote u just broke your 50" plasma. the term that pops up beside your head is... "Now what?"

WHAT? Due to your appalling grammar, I can't even understand that sentence. Can someone translate from idiot for me? (joke, in case you took offense). Still doesn't solve my problem that I can't fathom what you typed.

fish food carl:

peel15:
the wii is more retarded than any of those. at least when u throw sumthing on there a peice of crap system throw a wii remote u just broke your 50" plasma. the term that pops up beside your head is... "Now what?"

WHAT? Due to your appalling grammar, I can't even understand that sentence. Can someone translate from idiot for me? (joke, in case you took offense). Still doesn't solve my problem that I can't fathom what you typed.

Translation:
I dislike the Wii.I think it is a bad system. I remember reports of improper use of the Wii-mote leading to it hitting TVs and breaking some. If that happened to me I would not know what to do next.

Egads, the Vectrex was such a stupid idea. But really, it can't be as bad as the Virtual Boy.

The Wii is a failure of people, not the system. How hard is it to figure out a wrist strap?

I...I think I would have loved the Nomad even if it only 30 minutes of play. I loved the genesis (Sega household, didn't have one of those fancy Nin-tin-ders at the time.) Still have the thing in working order too.

Meh. If you want some good video game commentary from Cracked, try this one by David Wong, the new editor of Cracked and one of the best writers anywhere on the internet.

EDIT: ALERT: These two are absolute must-reads. Even those who hate Cracked should read them.

Radelaide:

Indigo_Dingo:

Radelaide:

Lord_Ascendant:

Indigo_Dingo:
Slow news day, huh?

my sentiments exactly

You guys have no sense of humor. Read it for what it was made for. TO ENTERTAIN.

Since when did the Escapist parade updates on third rate online humour websites when they run an article thats sure to tread on a few toes? Whats next, are we gonna be getting constant updates on Old Wizard and their "GAEMZ R STOOPID NOA, ONLI OLD GAEMZ R GUD!"(that actually hurt to write)?

Were you born without a sense of humor? It's making fun of the games industry for a couple of mistakes. It's another perspective. LAUGH not flame.

I was born without a sense of humour, but thats beside the point. If this were the start of a regular thread, I'd be fine with it. However, its still not newsworthy if its just random crap on the internet that has no real world rammifications.

So on second thought, ditto the NES quotes thing.

Indigo_Dingo:
Slow news day, huh?

haha agreed

shatnershaman:

fish food carl:

peel15:
the wii is more retarded than any of those. at least when u throw sumthing on there a peice of crap system throw a wii remote u just broke your 50" plasma. the term that pops up beside your head is... "Now what?"

WHAT? Due to your appalling grammar, I can't even understand that sentence. Can someone translate from idiot for me? (joke, in case you took offense). Still doesn't solve my problem that I can't fathom what you typed.

Translation:
I dislike the Wii.I think it is a bad system. I remember reports of improper use of the Wii-mote leading to it hitting TVs and breaking some. If that happened to me I would not know what to do next.

Thankyou. How did you do that? Actually, I know how you did that. I once redid a paragraph from someone in the ZP : Brawl comments. It was easily the worst grammar I've ever seen in a paragraph. I fixed it, finding nearly sixty mistakes, in a three-four line sentence. It was horrifying and glorious at the same time.

To everyone who is bashing the Wii right now, remember that this list is based primarily on commercial success.

I still think that the Virtual Boy takes the cake, followed closely by the Atari Jaguar ("Where did you learn to fly?")

Retarded is a very very stupid way to brand these. I'm sensing it's because they're not mainstream products they are regarded as second rate.

There are a lot of consoles which really did miss the boat. The GX4000 being the biggest miss I can think of. This was Amstrad's failed attempt to access the console market (based on the CPC6128) but releasing an 8 bit console up against the mighty 16 bit Sega Megadrive pretty much killed their mission before it started.

However, that was when the industry had found it's feet (hence it being a miss). When the video game industry was in its infancy everyone was feeling their way with a brand new technology. Some have to win, some have to lose, but none should be regarded as 'retarded'.

 

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