The Next-Gen In Hands-Free Technology

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The Next-Gen In Hands-Free Technology

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Straight from Japan (naturally) comes the SOM, the ultimate convergence of technology, pornography and those long, lonely winter nights in February.

Despite its appearance, this is not a kitchen appliance, unless you happening to be cooking in the kitchen of love; this is, in fact, a solo sex machine that connects to your PC via USB port, offering hands-free operation and complete control over the device's various functions. The SOM comes in three flavors: Men's, Lady's and Petit, which is actually a scaled-down, portable version of the men's device. The naughty bits in each SOM are made from "septon," a new material which the company claims "is so safe that [it is] used in medical service," and the manufacturer is so certain of your "super-satisfaction" that they guarantee maintenance of the device absolutely free.

But what good is a USB-controlled wanking machine without some audio-visual stimuli? Fortunately, 0verflow, another Japanese company, has developed Cross Days, an "erotic game" that Kotaku says works with the device by "[moving] in real time to corresponding on screen motions during climax scenes." Whether or not the game supports both the Men's and Lady's versions of the device is mercifully unclear.

To find out more about the SOM - for strictly academic purposes, of course - check out the manufacturer's amusingly Engrish website at somjapan.com; you can also read about Cross Days here, but only if you're fluent in Japanese. Ah, Japan. Is there anything you won't do?

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Malygris:
they guarantee maintenance of the device absolutely free.

Seriously, WORST. JOB. EVER.

Not sure how to respond to this one.

it never ceases to amaze me the lengths that some people will go to avoid having to manually masturbate themselves... fleshlight, realdolls, now this...

The_root_of_all_evil:

Malygris:
they guarantee maintenance of the device absolutely free.

Seriously, WORST. JOB. EVER.

lol

I'm kind of scared...

This thread is so unbelievably hilarious that it just made my day.

Japan, the only country in the world that's crazier then the Joker.

So, wait, does this mean Portal has actually been eclipsed?

Um, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! A wanking machine?!? Huh? What is happening to this world?!? If you wanna wank, use your hands, unless you lost both hands somehow, then I guess you have an excuse :P

Force feedback codpiece?

Cant breathe... to much laughing

What?

...

Seriously. What?

...

I can't believe such a device even exists.

Oh god Yahtzee's prediction is coming to pass. REPENT before it is too late and the earth is wiped out.

I want one, now!

Oh god I hope that Yahtzee reviews this game obviously not showing any pictures... or well you know gay stuff.

Malygris:
The Next-Gen In Hands-Free Technology
a solo sex machine, offering hands-free operation and complete control over the device's various functions. The SOM comes in three flavors. which is actually a scaled-down, portable version of the men's device. The naughty bits in each SOM are made from "septon," a new material which the company claims "is so safe that [it is] used in medical service," and the manufacturer is so certain of your "super-satisfaction" that they guarantee maintenance of the device absolutely free.
Ah, Japan. Is there anything you won't do?
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You had me at sex machine

This is self-correcting in a generation or two; don't worry, in the long run our species will be just fine. (Though I gotta admit this is damned weird...)

-- Steve

The first thing I saw on this page was the picture, and immediately my mind went "Sex toy! It's a super-duper SEX TOY!" And then I rationalized and said "No wait, it looks like a microscope." For once my dirty thoughts were accurate.

A direct quote from the website:

It's soft touch gives you more luxurious pleasure then "real" does

LOL!!!

How much?

I kid I kid...

seriously... how much

I was gonna say something funny, but if women aren't shamed for owning a sex toy, then why are guys?

They really need to work on their english.

The description for the Petit says: "You can have Petit SOM by you and always, anywhere on your appetite."

As said, Yahtzee actually said this. Here is what he said (paraphrased.)

He was referring to Portal, and he said "Seriously, this is as much fun as you'll have with your computer until they invent a force-feedback codpiece."

Oy, the Japanese made one. I love the Japanese so much. They always make me laugh.

Nurb:
I was gonna say something funny, but if women aren't shamed for owning a sex toy, then why are guys?

This is... Actually something of a point. I mean, when was the last time somebody said that vibrators were creepy/for nerds/a signal of humanity's degeneration? Similar artifices to this one have been built for use by men and women for a long time. The only thing new here is the computer link-up, and this... Ipod-esque styling.

Also, Cross Days appears to have been made by the same people behind School Days. Which was... It had an "interesting" finale. I wonder if they've gone for something similar here.

Slayer_2:
Um, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! A wanking machine?!? Huh? What is happening to this world?!? If you wanna wank, use your hands, unless you lost both hands somehow, then I guess you have an excuse :P

Holy jumping holly, it's PERFECT! It's a sex toy for amputees! Not every guy who lost some limbs can play the pity card right, and needs some release.

Japan to the rescue! TADA!

Break:
Also, Cross Days appears to have been made by the same people behind School Days. Which was... It had an "interesting" finale. I wonder if they've gone for something similar here.

Oh god, it's the same people? For the sake of anyone buying this thing with the game, I hope it doesn't end the same. It will scar those who are unsuspecting.

Finally, now I don't even have to move.

Holy jumping holly, it's PERFECT! It's a sex toy for amputees! Not every guy who lost some limbs can play the pity card right, and needs some release.

Japan to the rescue! TADA!

Indeed, jolly good work chaps! Very few double amputee's can lay down the pity card well enough to get laid, but now, they don't need to bother!

Malygris, your next article will be a variant of "Holo-decks are now a reality!", right?

Finally! Now I can have a pint and get myself off at the same time.

It's brilliant, really.

LAwl.

All I can say.

Did anybody happen to notice that the maximum diameter on the men's is 2.3cm while on the women's it's 4cm?

Talk about setting each other up for disappointment.

Anton P. Nym:
This is self-correcting in a generation or two; don't worry, in the long run our species will be just fine. (Though I gotta admit this is damned weird...)

-- Steve

^ WIN!

... i can't wait to see what co-op and versus games come out for it!

...I'm tempted to quote Yahtzee's Portal review in some sort of context here, but I'm reminded more strongly of a Craig Charles quote when he was talking about this sort of thing a few years back:
"What happens is there's a systems crash or a power surge? It could rip your dick off and fax it to Canada before you realise what's happening!"

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