Lawsuit Demands Porn Filters For All Apple Products

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How this lawsuit will work:

Discovery - whelp, what's the evidence that apple is responsible for this?
...
...
...
Alright, that was quick. Discovery over, let's go get lunch and wait for a real lawsuit to come around

edit- wait a minute, I think the issue is that auto-complete saw which site he goes to more and just hit enter. Damn man, if you're an average facebook user, how does ANY other website show up when you hit 'f'

This lawsuit will (hopefully) fail for one simple reason: He knows he has a problem, yet he didn't take steps to account for it. If he really has such a crippling addiction to porn AND works a job that requires him to own and use computers, then he should take responsibility by hiring someone to install this filters he needs on the computer before he even touches it.

I don't even...Just all of my whut. How can you be this stupid, that's seriously impressive, best of luck to this man.

bringer of illumination:

Andy Chalk:
"In using Safari, the Plaintiff accidentally misspelled 'facebook.com' which lead him to 'fuckbook.com'

Oh come the face on

This is a joke

This can't POSSIBLY not be a joke.

They are NOT being serious here.

No one could ever write that shit without shitting their pants with laughter.

Fixed that for you.

on a more serious note I'm sure he thought this was a great idea to get himself some free publicity

Is it April 1st and no one bothered to tell me?

This is a great idea! Fuck taking responsibility for your own actions, that shit's overrated. 'MURICA!!

Kyr Knightbane:
This is really a thing? A dude with a massive porn addiction is demanding the internet be locked away behind safeguards and filters? Really?

What's Next? He'll have the FCC come in and Censor real life? People won't have genitals anymore?

Exercise some self-control, don't have unrealistic expectations about females and enjoy the woman you have. Although i doubt she'll stick with him for long after the comparison.

I really hope someone takes him to a local porn shop so he can start blaming DVD player companies for not making filters against porn next.

This is utterly sad... and hilarious. I just hope it crashes and burns... I'd hate it if one moron's lack of self control became a rallying cry for family groups and other prudes around the States (or even the world) to actually force Apple to make this ridiculous change.

*cough* How do you even define porn *cough* How exactly would such a filter work *cough* etc etc

Can't get wound up, this is too ridiculous to take seriously.

seydaman:
Hey, guys, don't be so mean, it's a common mistake to accidentally go to www.sexual-escapades.com instead of www.escapistmagazine.com

Wait, whaaaaaaaaat? You mean ALL THIS TIME I've been posting on the wrong website? I've been cheated! No wonder it has taken me so long to get off. I always thought it was just because the models here were fuckugly.

Doom972:
Also, I thought that in the US you had to be 18 years old to participate in porn, but 21 years old to watch it. Can someone from the US clarify this for me?

This is true. As for why... Reasons? The US kindda treats you as a probationary adult 18-20, but you join the club at 21. It is so fucking stupid. You get all of the downsides of being an adult and very few of the up sides.

OT- "I have no self control and this is not my fault. Now give me money for pain and suffering."

image

"I can't control my urges so I'm suing somebody else to make them responsible for my actions!"

Can this guy be any more pathetic?

My mind is now blown!

Clearly, I must sue the Escapist for posting this news article, for they should have known my mind would be blown by it.
Now I have severe damages; dry cleaning costs for my chair, new flooring (you won't BELIEVE how hard it is to get brain matter off most surfaces!), a new outfit and many, many surgeries to get my head back into pre-blown shape.

Can someone explain this to me: he has such an addiction to porn that he wants apple to install a mandatory filter to prevent you from viewing porn unless you prove that you are at least 18 and know of the "dangers" (lol wut) but... how does he think this is going to stop him from watching porn in the future? Is he planning to do a follow-up lawsuit? "Your previous attempt at blocking my porn wasn't good enough, give me more money and make a better filter"?

Yeesh, I realise he's a sad sad man but I really can't think he's got no one to blame but himself for this...

I am a porn addict, therefore everybody is.

Yep, sounds like the sort of stupidity you'd expect from Tennessee.

Teoes:
*cough* How do you even define porn *cough* How exactly would such a filter work *cough* etc etc

Can't get wound up, this is too ridiculous to take seriously.

seydaman:
Hey, guys, don't be so mean, it's a common mistake to accidentally go to www.sexual-escapades.com instead of www.escapistmagazine.com

Wait, whaaaaaaaaat? You mean ALL THIS TIME I've been posting on the wrong website? I've been cheated! No wonder it has taken me so long to get off. I always thought it was just because the models here were fuckugly.

Come on on man, don't be rude. Have you not seen the jimquistion? I <REDACTED> everytime he <REDACTED> on the <REDACTED>

*cleans iPhone screen* ;D

He bought an internet capable device to do something other than look at porn? Why would anyone do that?

What he should really do is sue the internet for it having porn on it.

The lawsuit could be:
Moron vs. www

This guy needs to install chastitybelt.exe on his floppy drive. And maybe give the key to someone he trusts.

I'm sure that with that level of determination, he'd just find a way around porn filters anyway.

Oh god I thought this was someone saying people shouldn't look at porn because it's bad but oh god oh god I wasn't prepared for the funny AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In other news this is going to fail because I don't really know of a single campaign of its type to have been successful. And we've seen plenty.

Fdzzaigl:
Captcha: how the fuck am I supposed to know the name and function of a brand that doesn't even exist in europe by its logo alone? GRRR

I usually get a screenshot, crop it down to just the logo, and use google's reverse image search.

Guys, click on the link and go to page 18--

30. CUTTING OFF THE HEAD OF THE SNAKE: To kill a snake, you must cut its head off. Here pornography is the snake...

I hope someone in the courtroom suggest he cut off the head of his own snake.

ZING!

In related news my program to attempt to colonize the sun has just found its first volunteer.

Would not be surprised if he does not get sued by the porn industry. You know if you don't pay to watch that internet porn, it's generally copyright infringement, right? Maybe he was only looking at the free stuff (had to believe for someone with impulse control), but it does not describe above any claims he is making about being out of pocket due to all the porn he has brought... Just saying....

Maybe he is already being sued and is trying to make it Apples problem....

I really don't see this case going anywhere :P

When I read this article...

This popped into my head:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vf857Px3A8

If self-control is such an issue for him, a lawyer isn't probably what he should've contacted. But then again, maybe he had to sue Apple in order to afford that appointment with a psychiatrist.

I hope this man is unsuccessful. Otherwise...

Doom972:
Let's say that they actually implement this. What would stop a potential porn addict from getting Apple to disable the filters? Nothing. Which makes it useless.

Also, I thought that in the US you had to be 18 years old to participate in porn, but 21 years old to watch it. Can someone from the US clarify this for me?

I don't see why a problem of his, and presumably a certain small portion of the population receive special treatment. If he has this problem, it's his responsibility to acquire and install a porn filter.

synobal:
Only if they install religious filters on them too so I don't have to keep reading all the filthy religious sites, and message boards.

^ Also this.

The issue of internet porn has never really been entirely clear, nor had many laws made about it. The only Federal guideline to porn is the Miller Test, testing for obscenity (it must have some form of artistic value, which is why all porn has such deep plots like "a person brings the woman a pizza", and the classic music of "Bachicakwowow"). All attempts to regulate internet porn have been struck down or are currently in the court systems.

Now, it is true that you can't legally "make available to those under 21 years of age" but every porn website only checks that your 18. The only laws that are really enforced for the porn industry are the child porn laws. Of course, the porn industry are the masters of loophole abuse, such as saying their actors aren't being paid to have sex (which would be prostitution) they are being paid for the right to film the sex the are having.

Now, the constitutionality and sanity of this current law are so questionable it is absurd. It only applies to Mac's (although I wouldn't be surprised if the guy didn't know what PCs are), their are some forms of content restrictions for Macs already, and porn isn't illegal.

If this case goes to court, I hope the judge plays this clip:

and then throws the case out.

Vie:

CriticalMiss:
...or they will advise Dolce Gabana to start a range of designer le toilette du papiérs (poncy loo roll). Entertaining either way.

Sadly, this already exists.
image

Ok it's not Duncey & Gabrollollolol, or however that name is spelt, but designer loo roll actually exists.

Haha, if it's hilariously outrageous it probably exists :p

Like those $400+ pills that turn your turds into gold...

image

Is it just me, or is this dude representative of why we get warning labels declaring "Danger! Not for internal consumption! Do Not Eat!" On cans of house paint?

You know, the "A" key on the keyboard is quite a distance away from the "U" key... Must of been one hell of a typo.

theSteamSupported:
If self-control is such an issue for him, a lawyer isn't probably what he should've contacted. But then again, maybe he had to sue Apple in order to afford that appointment with a psychiatrist.

...But he IS the lawyer. Of course he would contact himself.

Redlin5:
You know, the "A" key on the keyboard is quite a distance away from the "U" key... Must of been one hell of a typo.

Either that or he's been to that 'other' website so much the search engine automatically assumes that's where he wants to go every time he types the letter 'f' in the search bar. e.g when I type the letter 't' it fills in thatguywiththeglasses.com for me because I go there all the time.

I hope his email address is leaked on the internet and all he does for the rest of his life is click links to porn until he dies of starvation/internal bleeding. It's like you have a peanut allergy, and demand peanuts be removed from all products because you bought a product with peanuts in it rather than reading the fucking ingredients and/or explicit warning and realising the consequences. That or blaming a gun manufacturer because you shot someone with a product of theirs. Not, of course, to belittle those with an actual problem like a peanut allergy by comparing them to this pathetic excuse of a medical condition.

Despite my completely anit-censorship views, I actually kind of hope this guy wins. Apple has clogged up the courts with so many frivolous lawsuits that it would be nice bit of schadenfreude to see them lose a case this stupid and have to pay this guy a large sum in damages.

On the other hand, I'd rather not see this lead to any measure of internet censorship and with the U.S. being the U.S., this might set a dangerous precedent in their courts... I'm torn...

Andy Chalk:
"In using Safari, the Plaintiff accidentally misspelled 'facebook.com' which lead him to 'fuckbook.com' and a host of websites that caused him to see pornographic images that appealed to his biological sensibilities as a male and lead to an unwanted addiction with adverse consequences," the lawsuit states.

first of all, fuckbook.com really exists as a website, i saw its advertisements because you know on actual few porn sites that gibve you porn and not just redirect you to the next site there is still more advertisement than porn.

also, could be just trolling. fartbook has many names. after all, failbook is so popular people are bound to come up with alternative names to fakebook.
see what i did there?

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