James Bond's Drinking Would Kill Him, Medical Journal Warns

James Bond's Drinking Would Kill Him, Medical Journal Warns

James Bond

The prestigious medical journal BMJ has determined that James Bond was a roaring alcoholic whose heavy drinking would probably kill him before his 60th birthday.

We all know that fictional British super-spy James Bond prefers his martinis shaken, not stirred, but why? The medical journal BMJ suggests that it might be due to tremors induced by years of heavy drinking. In a year-end study intended "to quantify James Bond's consumption of alcohol as detailed in the series of novels by Ian Fleming," the journal determined that while it's possible for someone to drink as much as Bond did and remain upright in day-to-day life, there's just no way he could do it while maintaining his "extraordinarily high level" of functioning.

The authors of the study read all 14 of Ian Fleming's James Bond novels, noting every alcoholic drink that was taken as well as days when he was unable to consume alcohol due to incarceration, hospitalization or rehab, and used predefined "units" to calculate his rate of consumption. Based on the collected information, they determined that Bond consumed 92 units of alcohol per week, more than four times the recommended amount; his maximum consumption on a single day approached a staggering 50 units, and he went without alcohol on just 12.5 days out of a possible 87.5. The authors also note that Bond consumed 39 units of alcohol before getting behind the wheel of his Aston Martin in Casino Royale, which he subsequently crashed at high speed.

"UK NHS recommendations for alcohol consumption state that an adult male should drink no more than 21 units a week, with no more than 4 units on any one day, and at least two alcohol free days a week. James Bond's drinking habits are well in excess of each of these three parameters," the authors state. "This level of consumption makes him a category 3 drinker (>60 g alcohol/day) and therefore in the highest risk group for malignancies, depression, hypertension, and cirrhosis. He is also at high risk of suffering from sexual dysfunction, which would considerably affect his womanizing."

"James Bond's level of alcohol intake puts him at high risk of multiple alcohol related diseases and an early death. The level of functioning as displayed in the books is inconsistent with the physical, mental, and indeed sexual functioning expected from someone drinking this much alcohol," the study concludes. "We advise an immediate referral for further assessment and treatment, a reduction in alcohol consumption to safe levels, and suspect that the famous catchphrase 'shaken, not stirred' could be because of alcohol induced tremor affecting his hands."

The study also noted that James Bond author Ian Fleming died of heart disease at age 56 "after a life notable for alcohol and tobacco excess" and added, "We suspect that Bond's life expectancy would be similar."

Source: BMJ

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In other news, BMJ is grasping for straws to have at least SOMETHING to do.

"My name is Bond, James Bond."
"Hi James"
"And I have a drinking problem..."

I thought that would have been obvious to most reasonably well educated individuals?

I'd say after hearing this, he'd be quite shaken, but not stirred. As if the mission to destroy all free radicals wasn't enough...

James Bond also believed gay men couldn't whistle.

i'll leave you to ponder the possible reasoning behind that on your own...

needless to say i don't think professional people should be spending too much time analysing fictional characters...that said...it is also my opinion British society has a serious drink problem...so i guess i can maybe make an exception if only on the basis of "raising awareness" an' all that...

Dr.Awkward:
As if the mission to destroy all free radicals wasn't enough...

Fun fact about that one, it actually came from Never Say Never Again, which is not an official Bond movie.
And Claus Maria Brandauer is brilliant.

Why do I get the suspicion that this journal was written the night before it was due after watching a James Bond marathon? :P

Given how much James Bond drinks and sleeps around, I pretty sure that it is statistically more likely that his death would be connected to these activities then any of the high speed chases and gun fights.

Dr.Awkward:
I'd say after hearing this, he'd be quite shaken, but not stirred. As if the mission to destroy all free radicals wasn't enough...

I was about to link the youtube video of that scene, but you beat me to the reference ;)
Here it is anyway.


At least the unofficial Bond movie was on to something about all his drinking.

Also, the bit about the quantified amount of alcohol consumption following by crashing his Aston Martin Vanquish in Casino Royale, hilarious, he wrecked because of drinking and driving like a common schmuck, for all we know the girl in the road wasn't even really there.

The Artificially Prolonged:
Given how much James Bond drinks and sleeps around, I pretty sure that it is statistically more likely that his death would be connected to these activities then any of the high speed chases and gun fights.

There was a great SNL skit I couldn't find about him having to contact all the former bond girls to inform him of all his STDs (which they've went on to just naming Bond-1, Bond-2, etc. because of new ones) There's also this:

Considering how often he gets shot at, how many explosions he dramatically escapes from and that one time he had his knackers crushed by a foreign bloke who cries blood I think Jim's entitled to drink as much as he wants.

Well, seeing as 00 agents typically have short lifespans, he doesnt really have much to worry about.

Just make him a KGB spy, then nobody would question it.

Well, he's clearly done all the super bad-ass world saving stuff before his 60th, so I'd say all is well.

Ronack:
In other news, BMJ is grasping for straws to have at least SOMETHING to do.

Yep.

Wow this is amazing hard hitting news!! I wonder how long before they finish their assessment of the realistic longevity of Wiley Coyote

This is quite amazing.

And I think it's not actually out of place to make such studies. It seems silly but people do tend to identify with fictional characters and I can imagine some guys who wanted to be like JB - well, not many people get to be secret agents but it's far easier to become an alcoholic this way.

There's never enough warnings 'yea real life sucks but be careful okay'.

Psychobabble:

Ronack:
In other news, BMJ is grasping for straws to have at least SOMETHING to do.

Yep.

Wow this is amazing hard hitting news!! I wonder how long before they finish their assessment of the realistic longevity of Wiley Coyote

It depends. Is chasing Roadrunners a growing problem in society that puts a great strain on the medical services and is especially prevalent at this time of year?

Until cartoon animal pursuit and self-inflicted trap injuries become as big a societal problem and health risk as alcohol abuse, I don't think the British Medical Journal will publish a study about Wile E Coyote in order to raise awareness of the issue in a light-hearted and captivating manner.

I think someone kind of missed part of the point. The thing about James Bond is he's in an incredibly dangerous line of work and pretty much assumes someone is going to take him out at some point. Given that he can die on a moment's notice and possibly not even know who did it or why, he lives hard, all the cigarettes, fast women, and potent drinks are part of it. He's generally speaking not a guy who thinks in terms of retiring, given that his basic job is "hey go and infiltrate the lair of this psychotic mad scientist billionaire guy who wants to wipe out the world and whom surrounds himself with world class mercenaries and assasins".

The concern I have with analysis from the direction of this article is that it seems like the first step in someone wanting to say "modernize" James Bond by getting rid of all of his defining bad habits to make him a better role model.

I'll also say that this basic attitude does kind of apply to people in high stress or dangerous jobs across the board. It's why things like the hard drinking cop have become stereotypes and worked their way into fiction, why soldiers in foreign war zones are infamous for their excesses (drugs, booze, and whores), and similar things. I'll also say that if you think Rock Stars are bad, nobody can trash a hotel room like a bunch of celebrating firemen. Airline Stewardesses also seem to have a very stressful job, and let's just say that stereotype also seems to exist for a reason. The point being when your always stressed out, or could literally die on your job tomorrow, you aren't thinking in terms of "gee, is drinking this much all the time going to kill me by the time I'm 60?". If you were to hypothetically ask James Bond what he'd be doing when he was 60 he'd probably have no idea because he wouldn't expect to be alive that far into the future, and if he was, it wouldn't matter because the guy probably drinks largely because he literally has people (and we're talking world class killers here) trying to kill him all the time, which probably causes a lot of stress no matter what demeanor he projects.

Jamash:

Psychobabble:

Ronack:
In other news, BMJ is grasping for straws to have at least SOMETHING to do.

Yep.

Wow this is amazing hard hitting news!! I wonder how long before they finish their assessment of the realistic longevity of Wiley Coyote

It depends. Is chasing Roadrunners a growing problem in society that puts a great strain on the medical services and is especially prevalent at this time of year?

Until cartoon animal pursuit and self-inflicted trap injuries become as big a societal problem and health risk as alcohol abuse, I don't think the British Medical Journal will publish a study about Wile E Coyote in order to raise awareness of the issue in a light-hearted and captivating manner.

Well one could argue that the enduring popularity of Wile E Coyote is because we all have a bit of him inside of us. He also works perfectly as a metaphor for the average person always chasing something, even the simplest things, and not being able to have them no matter how much we try. :)

An in depth analysis could suggest everyone pursue a bohemian lifestyle, showing that nothing good comes of trying to pursue even the simplest long term goals because the way the world is they just don't work out. :)

Not a great message, but you know... I could see someone doing it for a stoner magazine or whatever. :)

JenSeven:
"My name is Bond, James Bond."
"Hi James"
"And I have a drinking problem..."

Some time earlier...

Judge: Mr. Bond, you are being charged with 13 counts of drunk driving. How do plead?

James Bond: I don't need to LISTen to you... Dr. O... No.

Judge: ...Did you come to your sentencing hearing dru-

James Bond: SHUT UP, I know what your up to, with your moon bases and your crotch lasers... lazers... *Puts arm around the prosecutor* So, you want to see my gun, baby?

Judge: ...I will take that as guilty plea...

Well good job fun police, you've killed the fun. Congratufuckinglations.

I'm not sure if this increases or decreases his Lad status. He's the ultimate action hero, with a blood alcohol volume that puts most to shame, and he still manages to woo the ladies, and I've yet to see him vomming on any of his posh suits or fast cars. And (The Craig version) is still ripped as hell. Pretty sure I'd look like a walrus if I drank like that. And how often can you come up with something truly witty while on a 20+ year bender? He does it just about every time someone he doesn't like opens their mouth. I mean, come on. What a lad.

JB- If there was a King of Lads (And if I could specifically pick the Timothy Dalton version- He was a bond way ahead of his time, and easily my favourite.) I would vote for you. ESPECIALLY in the light of this news.

Therumancer:
I think someone kind of missed part of the point. The thing about James Bond is he's in an incredibly dangerous line of work and pretty much assumes someone is going to take him out at some point. Given that he can die on a moment's notice and possibly not even know who did it or why, he lives hard, all the cigarettes, fast women, and potent drinks are part of it. He's generally speaking not a guy who thinks in terms of retiring, given that his basic job is "hey go and infiltrate the lair of this psychotic mad scientist billionaire guy who wants to wipe out the world and whom surrounds himself with world class mercenaries and assasins".

The concern I have with analysis from the direction of this article is that it seems like the first step in someone wanting to say "modernize" James Bond by getting rid of all of his defining bad habits to make him a better role model.

I'll also say that this basic attitude does kind of apply to people in high stress or dangerous jobs across the board. It's why things like the hard drinking cop have become stereotypes and worked their way into fiction, why soldiers in foreign war zones are infamous for their excesses (drugs, booze, and whores), and similar things. I'll also say that if you think Rock Stars are bad, nobody can trash a hotel room like a bunch of celebrating firemen. Airline Stewardesses also seem to have a very stressful job, and let's just say that stereotype also seems to exist for a reason. The point being when your always stressed out, or could literally die on your job tomorrow, you aren't thinking in terms of "gee, is drinking this much all the time going to kill me by the time I'm 60?". If you were to hypothetically ask James Bond what he'd be doing when he was 60 he'd probably have no idea because he wouldn't expect to be alive that far into the future, and if he was, it wouldn't matter because the guy probably drinks largely because he literally has people (and we're talking world class killers here) trying to kill him all the time, which probably causes a lot of stress no matter what demeanor he projects.

I think the fact that you're rationalizing it by comparing James Bond to people in real life is the problem. You can rationalize it away as much as you want, but that doesn't mean that alcohol abuse isn't a problem. Sure, the life expectancy of a firefighter might be 65 years (I'm having a hard time finding concrete numbers) or something, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to drink your liver out. Stress is a part of life; self-medication with alcohol is not a healthy way to solve the problem. That's the point of the article; that the celebrated excessive alcohol consumption we see in the media is unrealistic and in fact extremely harmful. Alcohol abuse is a problem that needs to be taken seriously (as the paper says, 4% of deaths worldwide are related to alcohol consumption.)

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that if one goes through the books looking at his professional life, he's MUCH more likely to eat a bullet and die at 35 than live long enough to die of liver failure in his 60's.

Jamash:

Psychobabble:

Ronack:
In other news, BMJ is grasping for straws to have at least SOMETHING to do.

Yep.

Wow this is amazing hard hitting news!! I wonder how long before they finish their assessment of the realistic longevity of Wiley Coyote

It depends. Is chasing Roadrunners a growing problem in society that puts a great strain on the medical services and is especially prevalent at this time of year?

Until cartoon animal pursuit and self-inflicted trap injuries become as big a societal problem and health risk as alcohol abuse, I don't think the British Medical Journal will publish a study about Wile E Coyote in order to raise awareness of the issue in a light-hearted and captivating manner.

Probably about as many Roadrunner chasing young people as there are that have actually read a single James Bond novel. Again, it's not only a waste of people's time but also complete and total bullshit to compare a fictional character's antics with real life. I'm sure Bond would have been just as dead from all the cigarettes he smoked, or from STD's from all the fucking around he did, or crippled for life or just outright dead from the sheer amount of injuries he's suffered as well. Oh and not to mention OLD AGE. Which again means absolutely fuck all as he's fictional. People don't become raging alcoholics from emulating something they've seen in fiction. They do so because they first enjoy the feeling of getting completely out of their head on an intoxicating substance for fun or to outrun their troubles, or any other number of very real reasons, and then later because they've become addicted and can't quit. A professional medical journal trying to make some correlation between reality and fiction is just disingenuous horse shit.

hmmm this doesn't seem very credible, what about bums who drink heavily throughout their 50s/60s/70s/80s and live until their 90s, same with smokers and drug addicts, most of this (meaning dying because of your addictions) stuff depends on your genetic predispositions. Here's a worthy task for you BMJ! Research Bond's DNA.

60 grammes of ethanol is 5*33 cl 4.6% beers, which breaks even with 0 grammes of ethanol a day in terms of life expectency.
Granted there will arise lots of other problems but his arteries and heart will be in completely uncloted condition.

If he drinks that much daily he is more than capable of driving, it might not be legal but he's able to do it just fine.
Besides he probably has hyperactive alcohol dehydrogenase and aldehyde dehydrogenase that speed up the burning process of ethanol and byproduct.

James Bond is a bit of a funny case. I remember watching the old outlandish films with their eccentric villains and doomsday devices and being thrilled by it. Bond himself was a character I found enthralling and inspiring for a time because he always killed the necessary villain and got the necessary girl. When I re-watched a lot of those movies in my teens, I still enjoyed them but my opinion of Bond had changed dramatically. He was someone who appeared to enjoy what he did a little too much. Not only did he seem like a bit of a wanker at times, but I became steadily more convinced he was some sort of psychopath.

Cool. Very obvious, but cool. Bonds for fun, so obviously he is'nt going to show the normal signs of all that alchohol.

Bonds entire lifestyle would kill him. He'd be dead from STDs. Those alone would kill him before 30.
Or burnt his lungs out from cigarettes.
Not to mention the action parts. His antics are a bit too hyper to not kill him or injure him.
The bits were he ends up in the artic. etc, without proper winter wear, are enough to give him hyperthermia.

That said. Daniel Craigs bonds action is a a bit more realistic.

The drinking would make him quite fat, though. Even if he did work out.
In that, Sean Connery, and those who were'nt as ripped, were ok.
Their figures were everyday enough to not clash with the sheer ammount of calories.

Bond does'nt have to be realistic, it's for fun, obviously. He's a cynical super spy.

I was going say to say that I know want a Bond film where he's noticeably plastered but then realised it'd essentially be Archer.

This happens every year. Some news outlet/journalist etc quotes from the Christmas edition of the BMJ. Unfortunately the BMJ is known for running several 'spoof' articles in its Christmas edition, such as "Reflections of Father Christmas's GP", or "Origins of magic: review of genetic and epigenetic effects", BMJ 335:1299-1301, 22 December 2007 (which involved reading through the Harry Potter novels and guessing at how magic is inherited.

On behalf of the medical community, please continue to report on these studies as if they were serious, we find it hilarious when you do ;)

I didn't read the article yet but i'm sure what it says is that drinking watery martinis made from vodka and shaken is a sign that you have no taste and deserve to die.

*Reads Article*

...oh. I still stand by what i said. Incidentally wasn't there one book where Bond consumed roughly six bottles of liquor over the course of one stakeout?

He doesn't worry about drinking for the same reason he doesn't worry about renewing his license to kill.

Because he'd already be dead from being a 00.

 

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