Comedian Lists Video Game Characters That Suck at Getting Women

Comedian Lists Video Game Characters That Suck at Getting Women

Top 5 Video Game Characters Picking Women Up

Comedian Marc Yaffee lists why Mario, Link, Ryu, Pac Man and Kratos will have difficulty in picking women up.

Just in case you haven't read enough video game lists, comedian Marc Yaffee (Comics Unleashed) has one of his own, and this one gives us the reasons "Why Five Iconic Video Game Characters Would Have a Difficult Time Picking Up Women."

Mario (Super Mario Bros) - Yes he's a plumber so steady employment is a positive however, the only way he can become "super mario" is by taking what can only be considered a psychedelic magic mushroom. In addition, Mario regularly stomps on turtles which many women might find to be cruelty to animals. Also, his mustache is so 1980's.

Link (Legend Of Zelda) - Link would have a very difficult time picking up women because he's too much of a nice guy and women need a challenge in a man. In the original Legend of Zelda, Link fought through eight dungeons and after beating the evil Gannon at the end, Zelda didn't even kiss him! At the ending of Zelda II when the curtain falls and we're all suppose to presume he's kissing Zelda and it's not true - she's actually telling him at that moment that they should be friends.

Pac Man - He eats 24-7 and his skin complexion is purely yellow which means he probably has an underlying serious health issue. Also, Pac Man only becomes powerful when he eats the "power pellets" - meaning he doesn't have the power from within. A lot of women would see that as a turn off. Also, when Pac Man does eat the power pellet and has super abilities does he save children, does he have the world, does he help grandma across street? NO. Pac Man eats ghosts who then regenerate and angrily try to get him. No self respecting woman would ever tolerate this type of insane behavior.

Ryu (Street Fighter II) - Ryu has got an incredible physique and he can shoot fireballs from his hands - those will definitely grab the attention of the ladies however, it's all downhill from there. Ryu is completely focused on his craft as a fighter and doesn't particularly have a fun or engaging personality. At the end of Street Fighter II, his buddy Ken who has similar talents grabbed the girl of his dreams, got married, and enjoyed life. At the end of Street Fighter II Ryu didn't go to one party or flirt with one woman and instead he spent the next few months doing dragon punches in a waterfall. Ryu also never smiles, he's always moody, and he's is destined to remain alone forever.

Kratos (God Of War) - Kratos has proven in the God of War games he's great with the ladies and he's beaten all the gods on Mt Olympus so why is he on this list? Well, he killed his whole family. Even if it was an unintended accident, most women would find that an immediate deal breaker and would not date Kratos. Also, Kratos has a ton of emotional baggage plus, his skin complexion is grey and we've never seen Kratos crack jokes. Women tend to like men with a sense of humor who haven't accidentally killed their whole family.

According to his bio, Marc Yaffee is heard on "hundreds of radio stations" across the country and is a "laughter powerhouse." He has also written for George Carlin's Laugh.com and appeared on the TV shows "Loco Comedy Jam, Latino Laugh Festival and Que Locos.

So, what do you think? Do you agree with his choices or should Yaffee stick to comedy stuff not based on video games? If you had to make your own, which top five characters would you pick?

Permalink

The article forgot to add Mario.

Where was the joke in this?

Misterian:
The article forgot to add Mario.

Fixed and thanks! No idea what happened there.

Wow, that's what passes for comedy these days?!
Another medium going the same way as music then!

That was about as funny as a box of cereal.

"Nathan Drake will turn enough heads in the looks department, but unfortunately he's always shooting dudes." This popculture knowledge humor doing anything for ya?

Casual Shinji:
That was about as funny as a box of cereal.

"Nathan Drake will turn enough heads in the looks department, but unfortunately he's always shooting dudes." This popculture knowledge humor doing anything for ya?

I've heard of him! That makes it fooooonnney! At least the box of cereal got some information on it

OT: I haven't seen any of his other comedy, but if it's on the same level as this I believe he should do like Mario and settle for steady employment as a plumber. This isn't even bad in the way that makes me want to bash my head to the table. I'm simply bored by it.

Yopaz:
I haven't seen any of his other comedy, but if it's on the same level as this I believe he should do like Mario and settle for steady employment as a plumber. This isn't even bad in the way that makes me want to bash my head to the table. I'm simply bored by it.

I guess it's kinda funny in that 'Oh my God, look at him crash 'n burn' sort of way.

Maybe he should stick to JUST the videogames. That ain't comedy.

Not only is this incredibly unfunny, it's also badly written. I mean, commas? Word order? Structure? Hello!

It's borderline criminal that the author makes a living on this shit. Unless he doesn't, in which case he should stick to his day job.

*does a joey gladstone impression* oh, come on guys, cut! it! out!

I admit the line "guys with a sense of humor who haven't accidentally murdered their whole family" got a chuckle out of me, pretty meh about the rest.

Couldn't really judge it, though. I seldom laugh at comedians.

really, captcha? "coughequences" can't I at least spell real words if I have to look at an add?

If with disregard the fact that this was horrible, are any of the "jokes" even new material?
It goes like "*cliched pop culture observation 1*, *cliched pop culture observation 2*, *generalized and contradictory blanket statement about women*.

Yeah, I don't know about this guys.

It is painful seeing this guy affiliated with Carlin's name. Quite painful.

He even managed to squeeze in the cliche BS about nice guys.

Well, it was mildly amusing. I can see why someone else might find it funny, but not for me.

I think I might have busted a gut, but not out of laughter. This was so painfully bad.

Well....that was something....Also, Link could get plenty of women on looks alone. The fact that he's heroic, brave, and intelligent just makes him all the better. So I don't know what the hell this guy is talking about.

EDIT: Also....Is Pac-man fucking married? And he's got a kid too. So....that doesn't even make sense.

Do you agree with his choices or should Yaffee stick to comedy stuff not based on video games?

He may want to reconsider comedy as a career choice. And also maybe take a class on writing at a High School level, if that was quoted from him verbatim.

Marley:
Where was the joke in this?

I suspect it's the humorous way in which he treated fictional characters as if they were living in real life and then analyzed their dating life, which is typically a source of humor.

Seriously, it's as if those jokes were written by a computer program that doesn't understand the nuances of what is and isn't funny. "What if (insert pop culture reference) tried to go on a date?" *pause for laughter*

EDIT: then again, lots of people apparently laugh at the Big Bang Theory, so I suppose there is part of the culture that would find those "jokes" funny.

Alex Co:

Link (Legend Of Zelda) - Link would have a very difficult time picking up women because he's too much of a nice guy and women need a challenge in a man. In the original Legend of Zelda, Link fought through eight dungeons and after beating the evil Gannon at the end, Zelda didn't even kiss him! At the ending of Zelda II when the curtain falls and we're all suppose to presume he's kissing Zelda and it's not true - she's actually telling him at that moment that they should be friends.

A real man would have left Zelda for dead. It's a well known fact that saving someone's life and becoming the champion of the entire kingdom is a sure-fire way to get friendzoned.

Seriously, what the fuck is this?

Yeah, this guy really isn't funny.
If you want funny with video games stick with Dara Briain.

Comedy is 90% timing. So dependent on how it was worded and flows in speech, there is at least the potential for it to be more humorous. However in a purely text based setting, it really sounds more like observations than humorous observations.

JenSeven:
Yeah, this guy really isn't funny.
If you want funny with video games stick with Dara Briain.

Well at least something in this thread made me laugh :D Thanks for that!

OT: Yeah that was... something. That was indeed observations of some famous game protagonists... I fail to see what the point was.

Alex Co:

According to his bio, Marc Yaffee is heard on "hundreds of radio stations" across the country and is a "laughter powerhouse." He has also written for George Carlin's Laugh.com and appeared on the TV shows "Loco Comedy Jam, Latino Laugh Festival and Que Locos.

So, what do you think? Do you agree with his choices or should Yaffee stick to comedy stuff not based on video games? If you had to make your own, which top five characters would you pick?

Does he call himself that? Cus I sure as shit can't see anyone else giving him that title. Does it count if I'm laughing AT him, not with him? I'm not even sure I'd say he should stick to non-gaming comedy; maybe just forgot about comedy altogether. Maybe he thinks the very use of references to pop-culture guarantees him to be a comedic genius.

Did this guy play Zelda games?
Because in many of those games there is someone who falls for Link without Link even trying.

For fucks sake, he got a Goddess as his girlfriend. How many guys can say that?

Well that was awful. Follow up with FEMALE video game characters who suck at getting men and let the flaming begin.

Comedy is becoming music.

I give up. I fucking give up.

This isn't funny, today's "music" passes for an intoxicated seven year old stomping on a guitar with a 4 second loop playing in the background. Which probably exists, which only depresses me further.

I bet he was British. I bet it. Another middle finger to our glorious nation of broken windows and mildly racist views.

well kratos was successful with women.. there is that distrubing sex minigame

The only thing worse than what passes as video game comedy in 2014 is what passes as video game news on The Escapist. Seriously, what a load of drivel.

Link would have a very difficult time picking up women because he's too much of a nice guy and women need a challenge in a man.

Ah yes, that outdated notion that women want drama and problems in their lives. Not saying there isn't any, but if you (man or woman) consciously or subconsciously want a problematic relationship "just so you have something to fix", you probably need some psychiatric help. That shouldn't be the basis of a relationship, and there is something wrong in you if you are repelled by the idea of things working out great at the start.

Screamarie:
Well....that was something....Also, Link could get plenty of women on looks alone. The fact that he's heroic, brave, and intelligent just makes him all the better. So I don't know what the hell this guy is talking about.

Maybe it's the fact that a woman would ask for Links number and his only response would be something along the lines of "HYAAAAH".
Still I'm straight, I'd drop my pants for him if he were real.

OT:
You want to know what the worst part about his "humor" is?
A group of viewers laughed at it. The thought of knowing someone out there laughed at such a boring attempt at cheap laughs through sheer references fills me with dread.

Xcell935:

You want to know what the worst part about his "humor" is?
A group of viewers laughed at it. The thought of knowing someone out there laughed at such a boring attempt at cheap laughs through sheer references fills me with dread.

Yeah, referencing things seems to be the new American humour...
And it's not even funny.
"Hey, remember this thing from the past? Yeah, that was funny. Oh, oh, remember that other thing, yeah that was also funny."
It's Duke Nukem humour. Like a Halo helmet in his trophy cabinet. Not as a joke, but a reference.

That's why I stick with British, Irish, Canadian and Australian comedians. They know what a joke is and how to do humour.
Ed Byrne, Frankie Boyle, Dara Briain, Milton Jones, Steward Francis, Adam Hills and Greg Davies.
That's good comedy.
This guy however. He is certainly not a comedian. What he actually is, I don't know and don't care to know.

 

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