Full Official TMNT Trailer Is A Triumph Of Incomprehensibility

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Full Official TMNT Trailer Is A Triumph Of Incomprehensibility

Warning: The turtles faces are ridiculous.

Truefact: despite the cheesy camp of the 80s cartoon series and the trilogy of films based somewhat on it, the original Mirage Studios (and now, IDW) version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is actually somewhat gritty. That grit is of course lessened somewhat by the comedy inherent in the ridiculous premise, as well as the fact the series was conceived as a semi-parody of Frank Miller's run on Daredevil. And as a result, it remains both cool and extremely wacky.

That is probably not going to be the case with the Michael Bay-produced cinematic reboot, for which the first full length trailer has now been released. While we'll have to wait a bit longer to discover just how similar to Transformers this film ends up being, we now know for sure that we'll see April O'Neil (Megan Fox) and Shredder (William Fichtner) discussing serious platitudinal matters, while incomprehensible action scenes play out without context. Turtle power!

The trailer also confirms that the turtles' origin is no longer random exposure to radioactive waste. Instead, years before, Shredder and his partner, April O'Neil's father, conducted deliberate genetic manipulation in order to create heroes, because reasons. After all, what better way to put the public's mind to rest than to spend what must have been billions making super-sized, man-shaped turtles, then turn that billion-dollar investment into vigilantes with no authority to enforce the law. Obviously, that's a very well-thought out plan that will deliver a serious ROI for people who funded the research.

Of course, this means the bad guy created the good guy, but this should in no way remind you of everything wrong with 2012's The Amazing Spider-Man, or of Unbreakable. Not even a little bit. Another thing you should not be thinking about is how absurdly hilarious the turtles look without their masks. On the uncanny valley scale, it's just after Tom Selleck without his 'stache.

Anyway, I happen to think Pain & Gain is one of 2013's best films (no, seriously, I do), so I'll probably be renting that and pretending Michael Bay is secretly a cinematic genius, instead of seeing this. But maybe you have a stronger stomach than I do! Sound off in comments and let us know what you think about the Bay-ified version of the turtles.

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Didn't watch much of the cartoon or read the comic as a kid.

However if I had I suspect I would be laughing hysterically and clawing at my eyeballs right about now.

As it is, that trailer looks like something I could enjoy with a couple of friends, a generous supply of booze and a slow afternoon.

I honestly don't know what to think of it. Part of me (my inner-child) is crying because its different and not what I remember from those cartoons, comics and the movies I grew up on. I didn't read the comics till I was much older (in my twenties), and I liked it a lot.

But hey, if Bay can find a balance between the funny and the gritty, it should be good.

Not holding my breath though.

Zhukov:
As it is, that trailer looks like something I could enjoy with a couple of friends, a generous supply of booze and a slow afternoon.

That is the essence of how to enjoy Michael Bay's brilliance.

I needed a very strong drink after watching that trailer. The problem is that I'm at work so I have to suffer from that trailer being stuck in my head until I get home.

I mean... I just... Why?

Why is Hollywood on a mission to Dark Knightify everything about my childhood? FUCK!

Those turtles look awful. Megan Fox is in this. Great. Michael Bay is involved. Wonderful. Hey, I saw a humvee get pancaked, so I'm sure the military will be unnecessarily shoe-horned in. Thanks, Bay.

It looks gritty. Because, giant humanoid turtles that eat pizza is definitely the place to find gritty, serious, dark story telling, amiright?

This is ridiculous. The whole thing comes off as stupidly ridiculous. It'll probably be funny in a Tommy Wisau's The Room sort of way.

Ok, so the turtles - especially without the mask - look like crap.

That shredder 'made' them? Well damn, I like that even less. But hey, that's Bay... using the lore of TMNT like most people use toilet-paper

I had a friend who was big into the Turtles comic when I was in high school. He'd doodle the turtles on his book covers in Algebra class.

While he did share a few pages with me one day, I was never a big fan of TMNT. When their cartoon came out I was "too old" for cartoons (by which I mean that awkward teenage time when you still want to like kid stuff but are afraid of getting poked fun at).

The point of that trip back to the mid 80s was to say that I am not invested in Turtles. Their lore, their toys, they are not part of my lexicon of childhood joy. So I can say, with no hint of emotional investment, that this trailer makes the new movie look quite bland and not very interesting.

I was, and to some degree still am, hoping that Bay's TMNT is passably fun and enjoyable. But that trailer does not really inspire confidence. Ah well, not the worst thing that could happen.

And a resounding meh was heard... to paraphrase Yatzhee.

I don't actually think the turtles look that bad compared to the rest of the generic action trailer, but I can't wait to find out who/what Splinter is supposed to be in this version. Shia LeBoeuf maybe?

[/quote]That is the essence of how to enjoy Michael Bay's brilliance.[/quote]

"Michael Bay's Brilliance" ...and I thought Truefact was the Dumbest thing I was going to read all day. A fact is, by definition, true. And Micjhael Bay is, by definition, a shitty director.

Maybe next, MB can make a Batman movie, where Batman dresses in bright green and yellow, lives at home with his loving parents and Older, cooler foster Brother Dick Greyson.

Or maybe he'll do a MLP feature, where instead of Ponys, they're actually genetically modified Donkeys, and each one has a Human rider who is played by Shia LaBooof.

Except Shia LaBeefkake had the decency to FUCK OFF after his own ruinous involvement with the Transformers and the Indian Jones Movie that shall remain unnamed.

Uhmmm........
...no wait I got something...no...uhm

I just don't know. The character designs look better than in Transformers, kinda.
Mikey's voice seemed correct.
I don't know what can really be said about that trailer.

I.....uh.....no. Just no. I will be boycotting this AND the new Transformers. Even IF the latter turns out to be Oscar gold, I don't care. Maybe if enough people don't see these crappy films, Hollywood might get the point? Hire better writers that stay true to the source material. Is it that hard to do?

I'm getting really annoyed in this ongoing trend to replace character motivation with rampant interconnections. As if April O'Neil needed some additional contrivance to be involved in the plot.

Slycne:
I'm getting really annoyed in this ongoing trend to replace character motivation with rampant interconnections. As if April O'Neil needed some additional contrivance to be involved in the plot.

Quoting just so I can make my total agreement with you known to all the land. I blame George Lucas, BTW, who introduced that kind of thing in the original SW trilogy and then turned it up to 11 in the prequels. In the upcoming star wars movies, I'm willing to bet every single character will be related to every other character and the galaxy's human population will face extinction due to genetic complications from inbreeding.

Shaolen:
I.....uh.....no. Just no. I will be boycotting this AND the new Transformers. Even IF the latter turns out to be Oscar gold, I don't care. Maybe if enough people don't see these crappy films, Hollywood might get the point? Hire better writers that stay true to the source material. Is it that hard to do?

The truly sad thing is that garbage like this gets made in a post Marvel Universe Hollywood. Not to mention Peter Jacksonns LoTR. It has been CLEARY and effectively demonstrated that movies which "get" it, and actually try to make the movie to properly represent the franchise in question make MORE money, stay popular for longer and don't engender murderous rage from the supposed target audience.

Then again, it is difficult to see anything when your Palm has been permamnently grafted to your face form repeated application.

Well, Mikey doing that joke about his mask sounds about right for his personality, but everything else about the tone of the trailer feels too . . . generic dark action movie. I'll give this a pass.

So I tried to count how many "no this is super serious guys" fade/cut to black trailer cues were in this, but I stopped when I reached 7 or 8 before the 30 second mark.

I don't like it, but then it's not for me and people around my age. It's for our (real or theoretical) children who have already been watching the CGI cartoon[1] on Nick for some time now.

PS- For comparison

[1] Which I haven't seen and have no plans to see.

Don't worry RossaL, I liked Pain n gain a good movie as well, it was actually interesting and funny and very very un-Bayish.

It's like they didn't know how to transfer turtle noses/beaks into 3d like they wanted to so they just went "f that". But bad design is what you always can count on from MB production.

Slycne:
I'm getting really annoyed in this ongoing trend to replace character motivation with rampant interconnections. As if April O'Neil needed some additional contrivance to be involved in the plot.

Don't be ridiculous. Why would you presume news reporters do reports on stuff like "mutant ninja turtles that fight crime"...just because it sounds like an exciting high profile story.
Just kiddin', it just MB's writer types that don't know how make plots and character motivation.

RJ Dalton:
Well, Mikey doing that joke about his mask sounds about right for his personality, but everything else about the tone of the trailer feels too . . . generic dark action movie. I'll give this a pass.

Not to mention that it appears to be lit by blacklight. I'm getting eye strain headache just watching the trailer.

shadowmagus:
I needed a very strong drink after watching that trailer. The problem is that I'm at work so I have to suffer from that trailer being stuck in my head until I get home.

You too huh? I knew I should've waited, but I didn't, and now this.

---

OT: Going just off what's presented in this trailer and the Transformers movies, I'm going to say, for all those who are feeling physical pain right now because of the horrible design of the turtles, don't worry! You'll hardly ever get to see them, instead you'll most likely be looking at Megan Fox and everything exploding for most of the running time.

Also the turtle's face, what does that remind me of?

Aha.
Mm-hmm.
Yup.
2003 series is still the best.

I think it is a jump that TCRI intentionally created the Turtles right now. I see where the assumption is coming from though.

Slycne:
I'm getting really annoyed in this ongoing trend to replace character motivation with rampant interconnections. As if April O'Neil needed some additional contrivance to be involved in the plot.

Agreed. Ugh.

I think my real problem with this trailer is that it's just so... bland. Aside from one or two scenes, you could replace the turtles with any other super/action hero(s) out there. TMNT is pretty unique brand and to see it's new movie advertised any other action flick has me disheartened. I mean, comeon! It's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Inject some personality into the trailer, show us it's different that EVERY OTHER HERO FLICK out there. I mean the shot of them crashing into the hummer was alright, but the whole thing overall leaves much to be desired. Especially as a first impression.

I admit I might be jaded because I hold the '90s movie in such high regard, but this just seemed so lackluster. It doesn't have to be crazy and kooky, but it also doesn't have to be Generic Action Movie B.

Also, question - is Megan Fox unable to close her mouth? Every single scene I've seen her in, it's open.

Heh, I thought it was supposed to be title "Ninja Turtles". I guess Bay did bend over to the fan for the titles and possible the origin (now that Teenage Mutant is back on and that guy said they "created" heroes, it very lightly that they did so via mutation but I won't rule out that the source of the creation could be of alien origin).
Now I think about it, is Splinter even in the film since there has been no official photo of him and I was under the impression they didn't create a mentor unless April father is Splinter (which will only enrage the fans more).

RossaLincoln:

Slycne:
I'm getting really annoyed in this ongoing trend to replace character motivation with rampant interconnections. As if April O'Neil needed some additional contrivance to be involved in the plot.

Quoting just so I can make my total agreement with you known to all the land. I blame George Lucas, BTW, who introduced that kind of thing in the original SW trilogy and then turned it up to 11 in the prequels. In the upcoming star wars movies, I'm willing to bet every single character will be related to every other character and the galaxy's human population will face extinction due to genetic complications from inbreeding.

Agreed about the Plot contrivances! But when you START by throwing the entire Origin story of the franchise in the garbage, then dicking around with literally every single piece of Cannon, you have to expect that. In fact your very next move must be to Contrive a reason for why you just did that in the first place.

About George Lucas:
Aside from Luke and Leia being Vader's children, what are you on about? Yes, Kenobi trained Vader, so you have one family, and a teacher. What other instances of Familial inter connectivity do you refer to? I think you have actually managed to single out the ONE thing that wasn't a problem with either trilogy of movies. Even the ridiculousness of Chewie and Yoda being War-Pals is not really that Farfetched. It's Fucking Stupid, but I really don't think it's a problem inherent to the movies.

image

soooo....basically the first i'll be seeing of this is when it turns up for 3 in the bargain bins at tescos ?...

...tbh i kinda suspect this entire movie is just a ploy on bays part to get fox to give him head so she'd get another movie role...

SilverStuddedSquirre:
About George Lucas:
Aside from Luke and Leia being Vader's children, what are you on about? Yes, Kenobi trained Vader, so you have one family, and a teacher. What other instances of Familial inter connectivity do you refer to? I think you have actually managed to single out the ONE thing that wasn't a problem with either trilogy of movies. Even the ridiculousness of Chewie and Yoda being War-Pals is not really that Farfetched. It's Fucking Stupid, but I really don't think it's a problem inherent to the movies.

I was being a bit flippant, but: Yoda trained Dooku who trained Qui-Gon who trained Obi-Wan who trained Anakin. Meanwhile, Chewie and yoda were pals, Anakin built C-3PO, Anakin was apparently friends with greedo as a kid, and so on. Everyone is so intertwined that it stretches suspension of disbelief.

Of course, if the prequels hadn't sucked so much, I might not have minded the above, though I think the above is part of Lucas' convoluted thought processes being allowed to develop without a single person being allowed to offer constructive criticism or suggestions for changes.

Really? The story is they tried to create hero's and it's the Ninja Turtles? Can someone think of a worse idea because I want to see if it's possible. Sometimes I reckon they should skip their past and just make the movie fun.

You know, I wouldn't mind these constant rehashes if they actually did something interesting instead of just following trends, and I'm so sick of the shitty jokes. Back before Hollywood became terrible they at least had writers think of jokes that most could enjoy (that were clever in some way or executed well) instead of this stupid childish crap.

Their faces make me think of Gollum.

RJ Dalton:
Well, Mikey doing that joke about his mask sounds about right for his personality, but everything else about the tone of the trailer feels too . . . generic dark action movie. I'll give this a pass.

Yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up for me. I wonder if they'll end up riding mecha-godzilla while they're at it.

They look fine and atleast the characteristics of Mickey seem spot on. Looks like a cross between the originals and the cartoon show. But still not seen them fighting yet and thats my only issue. Now that could be good or bad.

RossaLincoln:

SilverStuddedSquirre:
About George Lucas:
Aside from Luke and Leia being Vader's children, what are you on about? Yes, Kenobi trained Vader, so you have one family, and a teacher. What other instances of Familial inter connectivity do you refer to? I think you have actually managed to single out the ONE thing that wasn't a problem with either trilogy of movies. Even the ridiculousness of Chewie and Yoda being War-Pals is not really that Farfetched. It's Fucking Stupid, but I really don't think it's a problem inherent to the movies.

I was being a bit flippant, but: Yoda trained Dooku who trained Qui-Gon who trained Anakin. Meanwhile, Chewie and yoda were pals, Anakin built C-3PO, Anakin was apparently friends with greedo as a kid, and so on. Everyone is so intertwined that it stretches suspension of disbelief.

Of course, if the prequels hadn't sucked so much, I might not have minded the above, though I think the above is part of Lucas' convoluted thought processes being allowed to develop without a single person being allowed to offer constructive criticism or suggestions for changes.

Ah I get stuff. I was being to literal. Though on the Yoda point "For eight humdred years, have I trained Jedi." EVERYBODY was probably trained by somebody, who was trained by Yoda. You can probably find more connections to Yoda in the SW universe than Kevin Bacon in ours.

I also apologize for the "dumbest thing I'd read today" comment. There have been a few poorly written, mis informative articles in the last week, and I'm testy with the Escapist right now.

JaceArveduin:

RJ Dalton:
Well, Mikey doing that joke about his mask sounds about right for his personality, but everything else about the tone of the trailer feels too . . . generic dark action movie. I'll give this a pass.

Yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up for me. I wonder if they'll end up riding mecha-godzilla while they're at it.

Yes, there will bee a scene where they use Mecha-Godzilla to Jump over a shark so they can remove the Crystal Skull from the Top of the Technodrome, cutting off its power.

SilverStuddedSquirre:

JaceArveduin:

RJ Dalton:
Well, Mikey doing that joke about his mask sounds about right for his personality, but everything else about the tone of the trailer feels too . . . generic dark action movie. I'll give this a pass.

Yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up for me. I wonder if they'll end up riding mecha-godzilla while they're at it.

Yes, there will bee a scene where they use Mecha-Godzilla to Jump over a shark so they can remove the Crystal Skull from the Top of the Technodrome, cutting off its power.

You forgot the part well Mecha-zilla sends the Dragonzord as a distraction and it turns out it's a Trap

hue, captcha agrees with me whole-heartedly with a rousing "oh yes"

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