Letters to Skyrim

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Dear concerned citizens of Whiterun,

This letter won't be received because there isn't anyone left alive in Whiterun. Probably. If a survivor gets this letter, I want you to know that I am truly sorry. You were supposed to die, too. If you could just...throw yourself on a sword or something, that would be great. Really. It would just save me so much time. Also, I want you to know that the entire ordeal is your fault. Not you, potential survivor, but the town. You see, I accidentally picked up a mace in the blacksmith's place of business. Apparently he had a strict 'no touching' policy. He also had a 'Kill all offenders' policy. I tried to reason with him, but the situation escolated and he got his wife involved...then the Battle-Born clan...then the town guard...Again, not my fault. Your fault. This time I do mean you, potential survivor.

Truly sorry,
Kayle Draken

I will love you until the end of time because of that entire message. I will share it with the world and they will know of your greatness.

Dear Skyrim,

While wandering your wonderful wilderness, I whipped up a few wonderfully whooshy spells, which whimpsphy whisped your wonderfully willing guards off of a cliff to their horrible demise where I later stripped them off all their possessions and laid them in unpleasant looking positions for the amusement of any that passed.

You're welcome

Jarcin Peregrius

Dear Skyrim,

Please tell the player character to stop shouting me off of cliffs for shits and giggles.

With love,

Dear Skyrim,

I would greatly appreciate being able to walk in a town without the guards constantly referring to me as a 'cat, thief or that one from the college.' This would cause a large decrease in the number of guards incinerated on the job.

A disgruntled Khajiit.

Dear Skyrim,

Please stop feeding the horses meat, they are aggressive to a psychotic degree.

With hate,
A Mage.

Dear Skyrim,

I'm sure no-one cared about those hundreds of bystanders wandering around on the streets of every city anyway.

Sincerely, a very skilled marksman.

Dear Skyrim,

Before my vaction to your beautiful country, your bureau of tourism informed me to be prepared for light rain fall and moderate snow. What they failed to tell me was the high chance of pachyderm showers. Mommoths fell from the sky and killed my horse and my dog.

kind reguads,

Ro'loc the Dreamcrusher

Dear Skyrim

I love your game to bits but please use iD Tech next time. If you game looked and ran like Rage i would die from happiness




It's rare that I want to bring elements of my boring and repressive little-England life into gaming with me, but someone needs to tell your people that talking over one another is fucking rude. It causes me to miss plot points and obviously salient information too...

I suggest a "Could you please say that again?" dialogue option.

- Panda

Dear College of Bards,
You guys aren't very productive. I have traveled from the windy arch of Solitude to the verdant forests of the Rift, and the entire collective musical knowledge of all the bards and skalds of Skyrim is three and a half songs. Now, the thing with the propaganda song being the same for Impreials and Stormcloaks but with the operative words changed is pretty clever--props to whatever guy cooked up that bit of irony. But three and a half songs that were all apparently written since the Great War doesn't really say much for five thousand years of Nord culture.

Also, will you ever actually offer to teach me an instrument? I ripped your lost saga from the clutches of a zombie and applied far more axes to faces than would usually be expected of a bard, thus saving Burning Man from the bureaucracy, but my hands just seem to sort of slide off my lute whenever I try to play anything on it. What am I missing?

Tarrim the Bard-Who-Must-Slay-Dragons-As-A-Hobby-Until-Instruments-Become-Equippable

El Poncho:
Dear Skyrim,

I hired a horse from your fine country, since you have implemented flying to these horse the least you could do is help them survive the landing!

Sincerely, A surprised tourist.

You pirated the game, it's okay, we know

Dear Skyrim,

I, a humble visitor from far off lands have, in the past week have become the champion of legend: "The Dovahkiin", a Thane in all your cities, head of all your major guilds, colleges and organisations and I'm on a first name policy with all your gods both Aedra and Daedra.

Would you mind if I didn't pay that 25 septim fine till some time next week? It's just that I blew all my money on my sweet roll habit...

Sincerely, the High King in all but name...

Dear Nords of Skyrim,

Thank you for being so unabashedly racist towards me and my fellow Dunmer. Your overconfidence in your superiority to my people causes you to throw down substantial amounts of Septims on a fistfight with no hesitation. Three more "bonding moments" like this and I'll have my second home paid in full.

Droven Fels, Bare Knuckle Champion of Tamriel

Dear Skyrim,
Your children need to learn that when the grown ups are talking that they should keep quiet. Or failing that, not to talk to strangers. I would also sugest you start burning your dead rather than burying them.

An agitated Arch Mage.

Dear Skyrim,

please let me join the Thalmor. I don't have a problem with all factions being racist dicks, but please let me join the people that don't, specifically, hate me. Also, let me wear shirts under armor again.

A very, very cold Dunmer

Dear Skyrim,

As much as I enjoyed the return to my homeland, I would like to advise you that an economy is hard to maintain when your shopkeepers let you sell them half their own merchandise.

A concerned sticky-fingered Nord.

P.S. you should also probably try to catch the infamous Knee Bandit, as he apears to have crippled a majority of your Guards.

Dear Skyrim

I love your game to bits but please use iD Tech next time. If you game looked and ran like Rage i would die from happiness



Dear John Carmack,

I love id Software games, but please try to leave little things like plotlines and open-world environments to us. Stick with developing engines no one ever uses anyway, you're good at that.

Oh, and could you fix the texture pop-in issue with RAGE? Thanks.

Pete Hines

Dear Jarls of Skyrim,

Having spent many weeks travelling the roads and wilds of your country i have drawn one conclusion. 80% of the dangers in your fair land can be traced back a cave or dungeon, and the eight knows you got many of those. Every 50 meters or so i run into a new hole in the ground or mountainside. And every single time they are inhabited by trolls, bandits, corpses, necromancers, witches or abominations from beyond death. Couldn't you just uuuuuh... plug them all up or something. Or maybe hire the giants to clear them all out? They are probably tired of standing around their campfires every single hour of the day, only pausing to occasionally launch lost and confused adventurers into orbit. Beer tends to do wonders to motivate someone to work.


Krausus Laenkar, Dark Elf, Proffesional cave explorer.

Dear Giants,

I apologize. My sister was visiting. She wanted to see your three mammoths more closely, so I zoomed in with my bow. I showed her the two of you guarding your herd and pointed my zoomed bow at a mammoth to show what you were guarding. Then my finger slipped. After all my talk about how I kill dragons and walk Skyrim as though a god, she was a little surprised at how quickly I was turned into a cross between a pancake and a golfball.


Not enough left of me to bury

Dear Skyrim,

Your tourism advertising paid off, as it convinced my husband to visit for "just a little while." He left weeks ago and I have had no contact since. I fear I may never speak to him again. Curse you!

Lonely wife

It has come to our attention your husband was caught crossing the border. He was to be put to death, as the fair and just law commands, but a dragon attacked the moment he was to be executed, and as you know, any interrupted execution results in the full pardon of the criminal. We presumed him to be dead, but found him committing a massacre of innocent civilians in the town of some time later. He will be given a fine and directions back to your homeland as soon as he stops resisting arrest.
-Skyrim High Queen

Dear Skyrim,

I would like you to kick those thalmor bastards out, they give high elves like me a bad name! Also, could you maybe put some protection on your horses, I pay 100 gold for one and I fall a measly 100 feet and it dies! That's just a rip off!

Sincerely, a bloody angry Altmer!

Are you feeling alright? Thalmor agents will be sent to your residence to inspect your mental health.

-The Aldmeri Dominion

Dear people on bridges in Skyrim,

Seriously, get off. Please. Just know what's good for you. I really don't want to kill you. I really hate pushing you off. Actaully, I love it, but I hate loving it.

Sincerely, FUS DO RAH!

To the Blacksmiths of Skyrim,

We wish to inform you that unfortunately we can no longer purchase your surplus iron daggers. At this point it is no exaggeration to say we have 10 iron daggers for every man, woman, and child in Tamriel. This ban on imported daggers also extends to iron daggers with seemingly random petty enchantments.

-Cyrodiil Merchants Association

Dear Merchants' Association.

You will buy my iron daggers, enchanted or not, and you will like it.

Yours faithfully, A Blacksmith.


Dear Enchanters of Skyrim.

Please start selling more than one or two of each level soul gem at a time. Forcing me to prepare for a dungeon crawl by farming dungeons is both inefficient and extremely counterproductive.

Yours faithfully, An Enchanter.


Dear Bandit Chief.

I am sure you are now aware that your death was a result of a Dark Brotherhood contract. It may interest you to know that it was your wife who performed the Black Sacrement and now that you are dead she has remarried. To me. I sleep with her every night.

Yours faithfully, A Very Amused Assassin.

Dear Skyrim,

While I do enjoy how squishy all your guards are, and how often you don't pay attention to important things in the open. I can't help but notice there isn't enough squishy guards to slaughter, I mean help. And not enough important things in the open to steal, I mean admire.

Fixing this problem would be a great benefactor to my entertainment, I mean safety.

An extremely powerful invisible mage

Dear Skryim,

By know, you've probably realized that every bard in Solitude has been murdered and their instruments have been destroyed. While I may have been a little harsh, I stand by my actions. If you had to listen to Ragnar the Red over and over again, you'd understand.

Sincerely, an Elf who is tired of tone deaf singers.

P.S. You may want to tell the Aldmeri Dominon to get their priorities straight. They seem to show no mercy when worshipers of Talos are involved, but they don't seem to lift a finger when the Daedra are involved. An agent of theirs had me break into a man's home to find an amulet of Talos, but don't seem to notice the Shrine of Molag Bal right next door.

Dear Skyrim

When I received a random letter off a 'friend' directing me to some ruins to find a shout. I expected some sort of abandoned tower /fort ala Cyrodiil. I did't not expect to go over the hill and see a massive ruin with an ancient dragon battling hordes of undead.

Tiana, A frightened wood elf archer. Wondering exactly what she has got herself into this time.

Dear Skyrim,

I have hit a brick wall I cant seem to find any good quest anymore just crappy bounty's :(

Dear Townsfolk Of Dawnstar/Winterhold/Markarth/Everywhere Else/Forsworn Raider Attacking While Fire Rains From The Sky


Don't worry, I killed it. That dragon. You know, the large pile of bones over there that used to be a dragon attacking your village, before I killed it and absorbed its essence. WERE YOU EVEN WATCHING???? No old lady, I didn't come to speak to you, I was too busy KILLING A FUCKING DRAGON FOR YOU.

You people make me sick

Syrio, Imperial Department of Damage Control

Dear Skyrim,

Please do something about the Khajiit problem. They stink up the entrances to your towns and cities and steal peoples things. Also, tell the idiot dunmer in Windhelm to get their foots out of their asses. If an ALTMER can make it as a shopkeeper then the dunmer should be able to get some jobs if they weren't so stubbornly prideful.

Also, keep the Empire and their Thalmor puppeteers out. Thank you.

A concerned bosmer who'se village was cleansed by the Thalmor.

Dear Skyrim,

In a few months ive defeated the corrupt Empire and stopped the World-Eater.... NOW WHERE THE HELL IS MY CASTLE AND UNTOLD RICHES!?

Yours sincerely, Disgruntled Dragonborn.

Dear Skyrim

I enjoy your land immensely, but I question the selection of guards that protect your many settlements from the dangers beyond. I myself witnessed a murder in one of your idyllic villages, a rather prominent smith and merchant. Yet... after he was killed no one picked his body up and moved it and buried him. I was confused. His wife was murdered as well... and she was left to rot (or rather be preserved) on the cold streets alongside her husband. Even to this day (many weeks later) the guards continue to walk by and get surprised by the limp carcasses on their streets... then casually stroll off like nothing happened, only to return later and be just as emotionally distraught once more.

Is this some kind of spell? A strange enchantment of some sort? Even when I slew dragons outside the limits of a given town the bones remain their for ages. Does anyone ever clean up around this province?

Dear Skyrim,

While exploring your wonderful land I have made the observation that perhaps the reason you have so many bandit clans running about is because of a poor education system. For when even a wild beast knows to attack the immediate threat in an encounter(ie. A FUCKING DRAGON),whereas a bandit will continue to harass me as I am in fact trying to save him from the flying, fire breathing death lizard I can't help but feel that said bandit has been very poorly educated.


A Dovahkiin who is waste deep in the blood of many thousands of dim-witted bandits.


Is it too much to ask that you impliment some sort of escalator-like system? As much as I enjoy your land, some of your mountains are right bastards to climb and this is coming from a cat!

Dear skyrim.

Please give me the ability so tell your stupid clingy citizens that i don't want and or need there help in any of the adventures. i understand they want to feel important. But i honestly do not care in the slightest. I shall liberate every fort myself because the imperial guards have the conservative standing power of a cardboard box stuffed with tampons. That world eater, i have legitimately had more difficulty trying to buy extra stuff for my house, i mean really dragons aren't tough when they are attacking 3 different people and the final battle, the soul ending boss battle was fought on a road...seriously?

Yours truly
Someone who really doesn't play well with others, Vincent.

Dear Citizens of Skyrim,

HAHA! Twas I who stole all of your possessions. Maybe if you wanted to keep all of your things, you should learn that putting buckets on peoples heads is not a Khajiit custom. I'm assuming that's what you all thought and just didn't want to be rude or culturally insensitive (which was strange considering how racist most of you seemed at the time). I was just doing that so you wouldn't notice me stealing your things.


P.S. That's not my real name, I was lying to you all.

Dear Skyrim,

I regret to inform you that I'm the reason the cost of Goblets has skyrocketed. In the future, please consider my taking this trinket a crime so that I don't horde them. As an apology, please accept 124 iron daggers as repayment.


Someone who is apparently going to be your hero.

Dear Skyrim.

What the fuck do you feed your kids?

Impressed With Your Long Life Spans

P.S. At least you have kids, unlike Cyrodil.

Dear Skyrim,

Upon returning to my homeland I was rather bewildered to find Dragons were now soaring the skies, which I do not remember from when I left. What confused me further is the apparent fear towards these dragons, despite the bears and giants which walked the lands before being much more potent threats being outright ignored.

Yours sincerely,
A rather confused Nord.

Dear Citizens of Skyrim,

Your concern for my health is touching.

I'm fine, really.

Dromneath (clean, sober, and rattles-free since the 7th of Heartfire)

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