Letters to Skyrim

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Dear Skyrim,

I would like to call your attention to the dire straits of your education system. During my visit, I could find little to no evidence of formal education among the youth of your cities. Most of their time was spent lounging about and being disrespectful of their elders. I understand that your communities value the quiet life of rural farming, but quite frankly something must be done! Evidence of this lack of formal education is expressed quite acutely in the atrocious understanding of supply and demand economics displayed by your local merchants as well as the rampant superstition among the average townsfolk.

Additionally, I had the opportunity to visit a venue of higher education in your fine country. Apparently, it is the ONLY venue of higher education, as it has adopted the delightfully singular title of "The College". I was most distressed at the state I found your institution of learning. While I appreciate that they have a nominal entrance examination, the college itself appears to be more of a flophouse than university. Nine students in a snowy mountain castle are more fitting for the set of a poor quality horror movie than an ivory tower. Additionally, the tenure process is shady at best. While I had initially feared a rousing game of "spin the bottle" would determine placement, it instead turned out to be a scavenger hunt. I myself managed to become arch-mage within mere days of my initial visit, an honor bestowed I suspect more due to my tolerance of long walks than a particular magical aptitude.

I would propose an organized and intentional government indoctrination program regarding the benefits of education, both basic and higher. Perhaps that would remove some of the urchins from the streets and discourage local authority figures from referring to me as "that mage" from "that college" - apologies, "the college".

With Warmest Regards,

Arch-Mage

Dear Citizens of Riverwood,

I am sorry that I burnt one of your chickens to death. I well and truly am.

However, given that the guards in the town had several hours in which to arrest me and did not, I thought I was in the clear and that you had generally realized that it was, y'know, a fucking chicken.

Needless to say, I was, upon my return from the depths of Bleak Fall Barrows, rather surprised to see the town blacksmith charging towards me with a battleaxe roughly the size of Cyrodiil. I tried to reason with him, but he was insatiable in his thirst for blood. Fortunately for me, he was satiable in his thirst for magical fire. Unfortunately, he chose to submit to my tender mercies with roughly .000000073 points of health left, and promptly burned to death before I could stop burning him to death.

I realize that my people do not have much love in the lands of Skyrim, but I hardly think that you have any right to complain about the Empire's incompetence when you equate a single chicken to bloody murder.

Sincerely,
A very frustrated Imperial
---------
Dear Guardsmen of Riverwood,

If I am attacked by three armed mercenaries in broad daylight in the middle of the street for no adequately explained reason, it seems that it would be more conducive to the town's overall peace and prosperity if these men were fed the business end of a sword instead of allowed to run wild and murder the saviour of Skyrim in cold blood.

I stole a couple bottles of piss-poor ale from a man in Solitude. This is ridiculous.

Sincerely,
Thane of Whiterun
---------

Dear Lydia,

Get the fuck out of my house. You have a room at Dragonsreach and I do not want to share a house (which I paid for and furnished in its entirety) with someone who has trouble with the concept of "stay here".

Sincerely,
Your intellectual superior

Dear Karita,

I have written to inquire upon the reason you sent a trio of thugs to kill me. Despite what the letter claims I have not yet been acquainted with you nor have I visited Dawnstar making it impossible for me to steal anything you have ownership over.

I would recommend informing the guild you had hired these "professionals" from that they can locate their newly deceased brethren in front of the entrance to Swindler's Den (a fitting location may I add) stripped of all war gear.

If by chance my name has reached Dawnstar and you wished to in fact give me three full suits of iron armor and along with three steel weapons, shield, gold and several potions, then may I suggest that you write you're instructions more clearly next time.

Sincerely,

Geth Frostbane, Nord Warrior.

Dear Skyrim,

As someone with... Ah, experience with your legal system, might I recommend a little harsher punishment for murder? Not that I'm complaining, but four thousand Septims seems a bit light of a fee for the murder of the Emperor's sister/cousin/relative thing as well as anyone within fifteen feet of her, at least two guards, and a handfull of innocent bystanders with the bad luck to be standing in my- er, the assassin's way. While I'm *glad* he was caught, I can't help but suspect foul play on the part of the authorities when he walked free not an hour later.

Also, some people just have hairy ears. I don't appreciate your guards utter lack of tact.

Sincerely,
Not the High Elf you're looking for.

Dear Shadowmere,

Thanks for the airborne getaway.

Sincerely, your owner that didnt get eaten by a dragon (sooner).

Dear Skyrim,

I have been vacationing in your lands for many weeks now and have come to love certain aspects of the land while I loathe others. First off your citizens are extremely presumptuous, why does it seem every other one of them is in dire need of something? While I'm on that subject has everyone randomly lost a family heirloom in a cave, crypt or ruin filled with angry denizens? Why can't your citizens take care of their priceless treasures that they only see fit to compensate me with a few hundred gold after I rescue it from the clutches of dozens of skeletons? Oddly enough for being so frail and unable to recover their own items a great many of them appear to be unable to die! What kind of treachery is this? Have your citizens given themselves over to some daedra god en masse?

Love, a confused Breton

P.S. Why is it that I can kill these supposedly nigh invincible dragons without breaking a sweat but a bandit leader with a two handed axe has completely handed my arse to me? Maybe he should be your champion.

Dear Skyrim,

See you soon

Sincerely

The Aldmeri Dominion

---

Dear Skyrim,

Why are you a racist bastard?

Yours truly,
The other half of the world

Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Skyrim,

I met a nice wondered that came into my shop the other day. After he willingly accepted to help me with my fetch quest, we became the bestest of friends. He then proceeded to loot all my belongings, and never visit me again.
I am now poor, no store left and my wife left me.

With sad regards,
An ex-shopkeeper.

Dear Skyrim,

Why is it that the best pension plan you can provide for adventurer's is guard duty?

Sincerely,
A concerned Adventurer

Alphakirby:
Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Tristen,
Angst ridden posts based on nothing to express nothing will obviously accomplish nothing.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

isometry:
To the Blacksmiths of Skyrim,

We wish to inform you that unfortunately we can no longer purchase your surplus iron daggers. At this point it is no exaggeration to say we have 10 iron daggers for every man, woman, and child in Tamriel. This ban on imported daggers also extends to iron daggers with seemingly random petty enchantments.

-Cyrodiil Merchants Association

Dear assorted assassins and murderers of Tamriel

Have you ever considered using throwing knives? We offer very competitive prices on the finest iron daggers for this purpose, many of them enchanted to make your task yet easier, but still rewarding. Hurry, whilst stocks last! (And please ignore rumours that we have a practically infinite amount of the damn things)

Yours
Ulfberth War-Bear
Warmaidens, Whiterun.

Dear Skyrim,

This is specifically to Shadowmere. You're a gangster and all. Seriously, you basically can't die. You kill a ton of shit. And now I don't really need to put any effort in fighting anything. Because my horse does it all for me.

Yours truly,
A bored spellsword

Dear Skyrim,

WHY AM I SO FUCKING GODDAMN WORTHLESS!

Sincerely,
A Goat.

And also
Wabbajack Wabbajack,

WABBJACK WABBAJACK WABBAJACK. Wabbajack wabbajack WABBAJACK.

Wabbajack,
Wabbajack.

feeback06:
Dear Skyrim,

Why is it that the best pension plan you can provide for adventurer's is guard duty?

Sincerely,
A concerned Adventurer

Dear A concerned Adventurer,

Because some maniac has a bow and grudge against adventurers knees. And he gets around.

Sincerely,
Skyrim.

Dear Skyrim,

Thank you for giving me a horse that's more of a threat to dragons than /I/ am.

Sincerely yours,
A confused Kahjit

P.S. I would say the Dragonborn but obviously the horse has stolen that role.

-

Dear Skyrim,

I've been in your lands for a few weeks now. I've fought frost trolls, the undead, vampires and even your resurrected dragons. I've even made friends with a dragon at the top of a mountain who frequently engages in philosophical conversations with me. Please explain to me why he, or no one else, will let me ride one of your dragons! I'm sure one ride would not be too much to ask.

Sincerely yours,
A schizophrenic Argonian

Citizens of Skyrim

I'm terribly sorry if an errant portion of my thu'um, guts of magic, or overly enthusiastic sword slash should catch you in passing. However, the large fire-breathing lizard over there is worrying me slightly, and I would appreciate your assistance in removing it. It was, in fact, my primary target, but you insisted on walking in front of me, trying to get me to eat human flesh. A horrendously stereotypical view of werewolves, I have to add.
Since evidently we are now engaged in a blood feud from which only one of us can emerge alive, may I suggest we at least put our differences aside until the dragon has lost the privilege of breathing?

Yours irritably
Sinestro.

Dear Skyrim,

Send guards to every small town and village, then reinforce the cities with a guard in every home and business. It has come to my attention that after trying for three hours to inform a family of Leifnarrs death, the mighty Dragonborn dragon slayer, "Dovahkiin", decided to behead the mother in front of child and upon being unable to harm the child, left their home as a werewolf and proceeded to slaughter everything else.

Regards,
Azrael

(p.s, I'm the dragonborn Azrael, I'm only warning you so that I have more heads to cut off when I get to each place. See you soon Cicero...)

Blondi3:

Alphakirby:
Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Tristen,
Angst ridden posts based on nothing to express nothing will obviously accomplish nothing.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Well you would know. =P

Dear Skyrim,

I would like to take the time to apologize for not letting the souls of the departed go to Sovngarde. However this is not my fault as my lord Molag Bal demands souls, and the souls I feed his mace using the Black Star just so happen to belong to your people......that I kindly bludgeon to death on a regular basis. I mean no harm to you, I just mean severe harm to them.

Sincerely and with love,
Vaelis: The only High Elf wearing heavy armor in the province

Dear Skyrim,

Please don't have every freaking Nord in a pack of 4 or more all use 2 handers. it's a pain duel wielding daggers.
And why can't I back up faster than a half mile an hour with a strung bow. What is pushing on me as I try to run back from enemies.
And invest in better locks.

Sincerely,
An anonymous rogue.

Alphakirby:

Blondi3:

Alphakirby:
Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Tristen,
Angst ridden posts based on nothing to express nothing will obviously accomplish nothing.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Well you would know. =P

You, Mr. Sir, are a fabulous comeback man.

Dear Skyrim. My xbox broke after playing you for about 3 days. I raged very hard, and have reverted back to minecraft for now. I will re-write this letter when I get it fixed. -sincerely, Me.

Dear Skyrim,

I am the head of every major organisation in the country, yet people still ask me to go into caves and find their rubbish stuff like an 'iron mace'.

Why can't I command anyone to do it for me?

Love, uncrowned overlord of Skyrim.

Dear Skyrim,

After becoming a Thane for glorious Whiterun, I was estatic. I was an official noble, and I had a cutie to carry all my heavy stuff and all that. Seeing as the equipment she brought with her was far from optimal I gave her various heavily enchanted items and weapons in addition to my massive loot bag. The biggest item I loaned to my housecarl was Wuulthraad, the two-handed battleaxe of Ysgrimor.

It's been two weeks now and I'm not really sure where my housecarl went. Maybe she got upset when I overthrew the thane of Whiterun and installed a new one more loyal to the Stormcloak rebellion and had to reestablish my position as Thane. But a faint suspicion has me guessing she's crossed the border with what must have been all the gold in the entire planet. So that sucks.
Thanks for listening,
Tygra (I look like the dude from Thundercats)

P.S. I suspect she sold all of my items before departing, because every single damn shopkeeper only has roughly 500 gold max to make exchanges with.

Dear Bethesda,
Where's my god damn Construction Set already?!
Sincerely, Deliverance, Cloth wearing Axe Wielding Mismatched Warrior Man

Dear Skyrim,

Is it possible not to choose sides in your civil war? I know I'm an Imperial and all, but I know what's right for the people. And quite frankly, from what I've seen, neither is right to rule over you. Seriously, the empire is an ass as much as Ulfric Stormcloak times a hundred.

Also, why aren't my companions any interesting to talk to? I want to go my own adventure and if they want to join me, I want to know why! Sure, maybe I've earned their respect, but at least give me a little backstory from them, or at least a little personality!

Other than that, I am enjoying my stay in my nice little Whiterun house. Granted, Lydia doesn't seem to understand the concept of "get out," but she ain't to much of a bother.

Sincerely, nice guy Phil.

Dear Skyrim,

...What the hell are you feeding all your bears? Seriously, they're like small tanks.

Sincerely,
A mildly concerned lizard

Dear Jarl of Winterhold,

There is a Dark Elf woman in your town who is apparently constantly verbally abused by your townspeople for her race. Shockingly enough, upon entering the town her life was threatened. Being the good Argonian that I am, I stopped to cheer her up, at which point we had a discussion about how racism is bad. It was then that I got the idea to write this letter in an effort to stop racism in your fine city, but then she turned right around and called me a "damn lizard" so now I ask that you enforce a stricter anti Dark Elf policy and throw this woman in jail for hypocrisy.

P.S. Have your best mages come up with a way to remove the ice spikes and arrows from a living body, seriously, I have had these ice spikes (which will not melt) and arrows in my chest for days now, I think I may get an infection soon.
Signed,
Talon

Dear Skyrim,
For the Nords! Hehehe, but in all seriousness, prepare to be pillaged. :)

With love,
Megatron, bringer of destruction <3

Dear Guards of Skyrim,

i know your jobs are tedious now that you have fallen victim to the notorious knee bandit and you take any chance you get to engage in conversations with visiting adventurers. but i must say i find your comments about my smelling like wet dog very racially insensitive, as i'm sure my lycanthropic brothers do as well. i suggest you institute some sort of mandatory public relations course before a less tollerent werewolf decides to eat you all.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: Stop commenting on my ear fluff, it upsets me.

-----

Dear Corpses of Skyrim

You are dead and there is no way my arrows are embedded that deeply within your face that i should be unable to retrieve them. in short: release my arrows, they are quite expensive.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: please stay dead, i dont want to lose anymore arrows through those oblivion gates you call eye sockets.

-----

Dear Whoever has Kidnaped my Dog

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my dog go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Vengefully,
Risa

Shotgun Guy:
P.S. Why is it that I can kill these supposedly nigh invincible dragons without breaking a sweat but a bandit leader with a two handed axe has completely handed my arse to me? Maybe he should be your champion.

Because you can absorb their souls. If the Dragon's soul isn't absorbed when it is killed, then it'll just revive itself. Dovahkiin isn't the only one who can kill Dragons...but s/he's the only one who can make them stay dead.

Dear bandits of skyrim,

May you all be fucked in the face by a troll
I have no interest in fighting you when there is a dragon to not only set fire to your fort/dungeon/hovel but also the nearby town village.

sincerely,
wildmoon

Alphakirby:

Blondi3:

Alphakirby:
Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Tristen,
Angst ridden posts based on nothing to express nothing will obviously accomplish nothing.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Well you would know. =P

=D Of course! Only way to be honest and educated about something is to have experienced itself.

-Ezio-:

Dear Corpses of Skyrim

You are dead and there is no way my arrows are embedded that deeply within your face that i should be unable to retrieve them. in short: release my arrows, they are quite expensive.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: please stay dead, i dont want to lose anymore arrows through those oblivion gates you call eye sockets.

I'm pretty sure that has to do with the chance that the arrow head could break on contact with bones or skull, rendering it useless

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