Letters to Skyrim

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Dear Skyrim,

Please tell your stablehands not to engage any dragons that fly near your towns. While their courage is admirable, dragonslaying is the sort of thing best left to legendary warriors, groups of soldiers and city guards, and/or the occasional giant.

On a related subject, if you could also instruct your stablehands to stop training their horses to charge headlong into battle against anything that looks remotely hostile, I would be deeply appreciative.

Signed,
A One Thousand Deneir Poorer Adventurer With Sore Feet

Dear Skyrim,

Your beastman populace is abysmal. I can count the number of Khajiit I've met on two hands, and the number of Argonians on one. Your Mer numbers are up to snuff, and your human population is through the roof. I can't understand why the Nords here continue to proclaim that 'Skyrim belongs to the Nords!' when it's very clear to everyone. I hardly think I've seen an Imperial outside of the Legion, and what the hell is a Breton, anyway?

Sincerely,

One of about four Argonians in the entire province

P.S. Your water appears to have the ability to render me defenseless. How am I to slaughter your slaughterfish with my eyeballs alone? I believe this a matter that needs tending to.

Dear Skyrim,
If you value the continued presence of your citizens, please don't make it so fun to test out your ragdoll physics, especially with those master level destruction spells.
P.S. How does an apprentice of destruction magic become archmage of the mage's guild, a higher position than that expert of destruction or the expert of enchanting? I mean, I eventually surpassed them, but I got the position as an apprentice. What the heck?
P.P.S. What day is it? Last I remembered, it was November 11th, but now its 1st of Sun's height, but I think that I got something wrong there...
Respectfully,
Archmage/Legate/Herald/Dovakiin Sarisia

Dear Skyrim,
Your All Terrain Horses are fascinating, with the ability to climb sheer mountains with steel clad Redguard attached, I would really like to purchase a breeding stock.
sincerely Myself.

Dear Skyrim,

Stay awesome.

Love,
Your biggest fan, Dovahkiin.

Dear Skyrim,

I would like to apologize to the follows that were hired to kill me after I stole something. It was not what I did to them, though that too was mildly amusing. What I apologize for is talking to the Greybeards when they decided to ambush me. I suppose it was their own fault, but I am truly sorry for laughing at them as they were shouted to death.

Sincerely, A much amused Dovahkiin.

Dear Skyrim,

When I was walking by your Whiterun stable, I saw the most weirdest thing, there was a man, but beside the man were two clones that exactly looked like him and had the same name, is this magic or just evil?

Sincerely Shaun Stormuth, Dragonborn, Legate, Arch-Mage, leader of the companions, Head Thief of the thieves guild and leader of the Dark brotherhood, Never mind that last part.

P.S I love your houses, and can we have DLC please. :D

Dear Dragons of Skyrim.

Do you not realise I have killed your king? Please stop your pointless attacks, I have long since made the armour your bones and scales are required for and I have no further use for you.

Dovahkiin.

Attn: Sir/ Madam,

May I crave your indulgence to open this business discussion by a formal letter of this sort. It is pertinent that an individual of this magnitude should have commenced properly with a formal meeting of you and us to enable us know ourselves, have a fore knowledge of the nature of the business, discuss and acquaint ourselves with the responsibilities and functions of parties concerned, and appropriate sharesaccordingly. However, for time factor, confidentiality and personality of people involved here in Elswheyr, we choose this approach for the remittance of this Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand, Septim (10.5M ). Please bear with us for making the initial contact through this letter. But my partners are insisting for a meeting in order not to fall into a wrong hand again.

I am Mr. Monet Filcher, we are members of the special committee for Budget and Planning of the Ministry of Magic. This committee is principally concerned with contract appraisal and the approval of the contracts in order of priorities as regards capital projects of the past military government of Elswheyr. With our positions, we have successfully secured for ourselves this sum of Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand, Septim (10.5M )

This amount was accumulated through undeclared windfall sales of skooma during the Third Era. Hence together with two of our top officials at the Skooma Production Facility, we plan to transfer this amount of money into a secure verseasaccount by awarding a sort of contract from the SPF. To this effect I have been given the mandate by my colleagues to contact you and ask for your assistance.What we need from you is to provide a nice chest into which the funds will be transferred. Everything about me is nice so you've hit the jackpot here.

My colleagues and I have agreed to compensate you or the owner of the chest used for this transaction with 25% of the total amount remitted. We shall have 70% and the remaining 5% reserved for taxes and other miscellaneous expenses in your country.

So if you can prove yourself to be trusted and interested in this deal then we are prepared to do business with you. What we want from you is the assurance that you will let us have our share if this amount (10.5M) is transferred into your account. If this proposal is okay by you, then reply through my dropbox urgently so that we can set the ball rolling and negotiate the modalities involved. Kindly, treat as very important and strictly confidential, I honestly assure you that this transaction is 100% risk-free.

I look forward to your response and expected co-operation and may the Divines bless you.

Regards.

Monet Filcher

Dear Skyrim,

The citizens of your fair country need to be taught that it's not nothing, nor is it their imagination, nor are the just being jumpy when they have an arrow sticking through their body. When their life is in danger, they should know to look a little harder.

Sincerely,
The Argonian right around the corner.

Dear Skyrim,
What did you do with Shadowmere?! One day he just wasn't there and I honestly cried for quite some time. Your reality bending rules randomly ate my horse!
Sincerely, someone who has lost his most powerful ally, best form of transportation, and best friend :(

Dear Skyrim

I've been in your realm for about 60 hours now and am leader of most of your guilds just thought I'd tell you I'm putting them all together to make THE AWSOME GUILD OF MANY!! Also could we get a message around to the guards that picking up a book after I've been told I can have it should not warrant a 5 gold fine

Lots of love

Stabby Stabbersome the 2nd
Dragonborn
Legate of the Imperial Realm
Thane of Whiterun,Solitude,Windhelm,Eastmarch,Falkreath,Hjaalmarch,the Pale,Winterhold
Guild master of the companions
Arch mage of Winterhold
Rumoured to be Listener of the Dark Brotherhood and leader of the Thieves Guild
xxxxxx

P.s I have put in a request form for the 5 gold and have not heard anything back I will return the guards head I promise

PPS If you think about it I might as well be High King

Dear Town Guards

If a Dark Elf in full assassin gear is stalking after someone important with their blades drawn, and you happen to find that person dead 5 minutes later, dont assume theres no connection just because you couldnt see them very well down that dark alley.

A Master Assassin A concerned citizen

Dear Skyrim.

"How come all your steatlhbased followers are either old muscular dunmer females with very deep voices, or burly muscular nord female miners with axes. Or the local woodchopper of Riverwood. It seems with all the competent guilds (I use the term very lightly) full of stealthbased characters who serve you, with at least provide 'one' thief character to help you out. But nope, none at all. Just a miner, a woodchopper. A mage (who cant even cast silent spells) And a dunmer warrior who doesnt have lightarmor anyway so stealth doesnt count for a whole lot. I mean you have several mages, and half a ton of warrior. But only like, three different stealth characters who arent even very stealthy to choose from. Thanks a lot"

- The Crimson Orc

TLDR: Get more stealthy followers who are actually stealthy.

Dear Skyrim,

I kindly suggest more tourism advertising based on your seemingly random bending of physics law which could be a nice subject for study by the Mages guild, scholars and travelers.

Also, i'd recommend producing birth control devices so that unnecessary annoying kids are no longer produced.

And also, add toilets to your homes, after visiting half of your country i still didn't find a bathroom, i mean, do you have va-poo-rizing underwear or you simply don't need to eject residues.

Sincerely yours , an amused giant hunter and part-time astronaut

Dear Skyrim,

you really seem to read my mind. There can hardly be any other explanation when everytime i think my character has become really strong to own anything in sight, there's a muscle packed roughneck with a heavy battleaxe waiting around the next corner, hacking me to bits in seconds.

Thx for constantly reminding me to always expect the unexpected. :)

Bvenged:

-snip

Sincerely,
Sigi

Emperors eyes only Upon reading, this letter must be destroyed.

Argh dammit! I read the whole thing before getting to this! Sorry!
Should I.. Still burn it?

Dear Skyrim,

On a recent vacation to your fine land I had my trip completely ruined. I was minding my own business burning town a tower when all of a sudden a Dovahkiin (a dragonborn if you do not speak Dragonish) came along, killed me and absorbed my soul. I would appreciate if measures were taken to restrain your Dovahkiins in the future.

Sincerely, Mirmulnir

Dear Skyrim,

As wonderfully profitable this venture has been for this professional Tomb-Raider, I would like to ask you to reconsider your traditions of burial. In these dark days, where dragons rule the skies and the sons and daughters of Skyrim foolishly spill their own blood, we must consider what is best for us all, and for our future.

In the light of this dark, cruel age, I'd like to ask you to henceforth refrain entirely from the practice of mummification. The dead of Skyrim simply no longer stay dead for very long. In the light of this, preserving the bodies of the dead and stashing them away, without any supervision beyond wheesy old men who reak of formaldehyde, in deep, underground complexes is a luxury we can no longer afford.
Instead, I propose that you immediatly switch entirely to cremation. Even if the dead might rise again despite that action, small piles of ash shuffling around in their urns will be far less of a threat to the living. Furthermore, you can use all the suddenly vacated barrow-space to store mead, or perhaps repurpose them as housing for the unfortunate.

Even if I have made a good living on these poorly supervised barrows, I can still see a problem where there is one. Cremate your dead, and you won't have to count on people like me venturing inside to do it for you.

Sincerely yours, Rajh'khan, a well-meaning mage.

Post Scriptum: You should also create a specialized spider-slaying pestcontrol force with all due haste! It's only a matter of time until they grow malevolent and plentyful enough to come swarming over your walls and devour us all alive.

Dear Skyrim,

Why is there always a large, hard to scale, mountain between me and my next location that I can't fast travel too? It may be a good idea to invest in some tunnels.

- An adventurer with vertigo

Dear Skyrim,

Give us the Creation kit already, pretty please ?

- A Mod-starved citizen

Furioso:

-Ezio-:

Furioso:

I'm pretty sure that has to do with the chance that the arrow head could break on contact with bones or skull, rendering it useless

and yet i can shoot the same arrow into a wooden pole over and over and it'll be fine. D8

Wood is softer than bone :3

But I get your point, but without it anyone could get by on a single arrow, and that would be kind of ridiculous

add a 10-20% chance for it to shatter and let you get back the broken arrow in inventory?
or arrowheads or something whatever.

Dear Skyrim,

Would the four Louis Letrush please be moved from the Whiterun Stables?

They get in the way when I want to get on my horse.

Yours faithfully,

Thorfast.

Dear everything male I kill,

I'm sorry that I make sure to always aim for your genitalia, it's just that nothing is funnier than seeing dead bodies with an arrow or two sticking out of the unfortunate victims crotch area. Maybe you should invest in codpieces,

Yours sincerely,
The Visectonator.

P.S If people could call me The Visectonator instead of Dovaakhin that'd be greeaaaat.

Dear Skyrim

I'm just writing to commend the amazing ability of your cart drivers. Faced with war, bandits, animals that can kill the most skilled warrior, ghosts, mammoths, dragons, undead wizards, thieves, giants, fake imperial soliders, daedric dieties, cultists, necromancers, vampires, werewolves, portals to other dimensions, Assassins from the dragon brotherhood and dragons, your cart drivers still manage to get me to my destination with no harm, no battle and with speed unmatched.

I commend you and your unsung cart driving hero's. My only complaint is that more of your people don't make use of this service as I seem to see many nords running around in the wilderness getting themselves killed.

Sincerely
Dragonborn.

P.S. Instead of using giant hammers or axes, perhaps you could use giant swats to deal with your spider problems.

Dear Skyrim,

How dare you.

You built this game all wrong. Why aren't you holding my hand at every opportunity to make sure I don't miss anything? Where's the support character that embodies the worst parts of a cultural stereotype yammering at me to get on with the linear plot? Why isn't my character as implacably invincible and blandly stoic as Master Chief? I'm also somewhat distressed by the lack of women wearing cleavage-popping outfits managing the seemingly impossible feat of sticking their asses and tits out at the same time while duckfacing like crazy. My lack of erection is not pleased.

I want my money back.

Sincerely,
A Troll

PS All of the skulls of my brethren laying around is highly offensive. I will be filing a lawsuit regarding this slander immediately.

Dear Blacksmith's of Skyrim,

Why haven't you spread the word among the other provinces that your maces can decapitate people, cleanly I might add. The profit from selling such maces could bolster the economy immensely, providing the Empire with the income it needs to push back the Alamari Dominion. Or Hells, just used the damn things and you'll win anyway.

sincerely,
Muldoon the clever, Harbinger of the Companions, Dragonborn.

P.S. still waiting on the change in temperature.

Dear Markarth Guard,

I was in the middle of defending myself in a brawl. It isn't my fault you walked your face into my fist mid swing.

Sincerely,
Glad Your Assault and Battery Fines Are So Low

P.S. Your town name makes me think of the South Park episode with the aliens that call everything "Marklar".

(Best thread idea. Ever. Forever.)

EDIT:

TheScientificIssole:

feeback06:
Dear Skyrim,

Why is it that the best pension plan you can provide for adventurer's is guard duty?

Sincerely,
A concerned Adventurer

Dear A concerned Adventurer,

Because some maniac has a bow and grudge against adventurers knees. And he gets around.

Sincerely,
Skyrim.

OH COME ON.

I'm sick. I nearly threw up this morning.

WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME LAUGH SO HARD.

Meanie :(

EDIT: Whoops, double post. My bad.

Wakikifudge:
Dear Skyrim,
What did you do with Shadowmere?! One day he just wasn't there and I honestly cried for quite some time. Your reality bending rules randomly ate my horse!
Sincerely, someone who has lost his most powerful ally, best form of transportation, and best friend :(

but what about Maurice!

Jean Hag:
Dear Skyrim,

I kindly suggest more tourism advertising based on your seemingly random bending of physics law which could be a nice subject for study by the Mages guild, scholars and travelers.

Also, i'd recommend producing birth control devices so that unnecessary annoying kids are no longer produced.

And also, add toilets to your homes, after visiting half of your country i still didn't find a bathroom, i mean, do you have va-poo-rizing underwear or you simply don't need to eject residues.

Sincerely yours , an amused giant hunter and part-time astronaut

you must've never heard of privvies.
good for you.

BigSarge04:

El Poncho:
Dear Skyrim,

I hired a horse from your fine country, since you have implemented flying to these horse the least you could do is help them survive the landing!

Sincerely, A surprised tourist.

You pirated the game, it's okay, we know

Eh no I didn't?

BlueInkAlchemist:
Dear Skyrim,

How dare you.

You built this game all wrong. Why aren't you holding my hand at every opportunity to make sure I don't miss anything? Where's the support character that embodies the worst parts of a cultural stereotype yammering at me to get on with the linear plot? Why isn't my character as implacably invincible and blandly stoic as Master Chief? I'm also somewhat distressed by the lack of women wearing cleavage-popping outfits managing the seemingly impossible feat of sticking their asses and tits out at the same time while duckfacing like crazy. My lack of erection is not pleased.

I want my money back.

Sincerely,
A Troll

PS All of the skulls of my brethren laying around is highly offensive. I will be filing a lawsuit regarding this slander immediately.

I lost it at 'duckfacing'.

Ho, man, did I mention I love this thread? Because I do. Please never stop.

Voodoomancer:
Dear Skyrim,

On a recent vacation to your fine land I had my trip completely ruined. I was minding my own business burning town a tower when all of a sudden a Dovahkiin (a dragonborn if you do not speak Dragonish) came along, killed me and absorbed my soul. I would appreciate if measures were taken to restrain your Dovahkiins in the future.

Sincerely, Mirmulnir

Man, this thread needs to be sent to Bethesda. Somebody get on that.

Dear Krosis,

Allow me to say that it truly is poor form to hit someone in the back with a fireball whilst he is engaged in mortal combat with a surly frost dragon. I would also like to point out that, if you do intend to continue in such cowardly behavior, you may wish to work on your aim, as I have no moral qualms about hiding behind a wall to lick my wounds while you and the overgrown gecko proceed to cream each other with opposing elements.

Sincerely,
Targren, The Potion-Quaffing Nord

P.S. The inside of your mask smells like stale Fritos wrapped in bacon. Soap, dude. It's your friend.


Dear Magic College Admissions Board,

Might I humbly suggest that you tighten up your selection criteria? Ignoring the fact that I was granted tuition having never cast any spell other than simple Healing, I would point out that there seem to be a profoundly disproportionate number of bandits running around with what is obviously heavy magic training. Since these same thaumaturges don't have the wits to stop trying to kill me while I am protecting them from an angry, bandit-crunching dragon (Krosis was one in a past life, perhaps?), I can only assume that they are not, in fact, the most intelligent sophonts in Skyrim. Please invest in a more vigorous curriculum and stop handing war axes to toddlers.

Love and Kisses,
Targren, One-Man Bandit-Genocide

Dear Skyrim,

I admit it, I'm the one that keeps stealing your books. I can't help it, I crave knowledge. I will repay all afflicted parties as soon as I can come up with the funds.

That, or I'll shower you all with arrows. I'll have to think on that.

Sincerely,
Vayne Highwind, the Dunmer "Librarian"

P.S. I have a habit of stabbing the authorities in the legs with a dagger. Don't try to apprehend me, or you'll get some cool looking scars that are sure to impress your friends.

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