Letters to Skyrim

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Dear Skyrim,

Why do you let your dragons attack me at the most inconvenient of times?

There I was, in the middle of my worshipping to Azura and I started talking to the rather nice Shrine tender there. All of a sudden, a dragon decided to try and make me its next hot meal, swooping down from the sky and damn near crushing me. I, sad to say, had to put it down as it was a rather persistent bastard. That and the Shrine tender did sort of wound it quite a bit.

Another example of this dragon attack happened today when, in the middle of receiving orders from my superior in the Legion, a huge ass dragon decided to attack the camp whilst I was deep in tactical discussion with Legate Rikke. Now, as I was turning to face this new threat, a stream of what I presumed to be Nordic curse words hit me square in the face.

Keep your dragons under control or I'll be forced to shout back at them with naughty Nordic words.

Thanks, Jamie. (Head of the DB, TG, Com. and Legate of the Legion.)

P.S, keep your bungie giants though, my travelling companion seemed to enjoy her last go on them. She didn't even break a bone or anything this time.

P.P.S, I don't have whatever disease the alchemist shop owner in Whiterun accuses me of, so kindly ask her to stop saying I have it. Ta.

Dear Skyrim,

My wife is dead of (cough)natural(cough) causes, why can't I remarry?

Sincerely yours,

A concerned not-murderer

P.S.
SHETOTALLYHADITCOMING

Dear Bergritte Battle-Born,

While I am well aware that the apple I took from your kitchen table was indeed very tasty, sending three armed mercenaries to kill me in the wilderness was hardly a suitable response. Please accept my formal apology by way of this letter, which you will find affixed to the arrow now protruding from your neck.

Sincerely,
Thane of Whiterun, Master Archer

Jason Danger Keyes:
Dear Bergritte Battle-Born,

While I am well aware that the apple I took from your kitchen table was indeed very tasty, sending three armed mercenaries to kill me in the wilderness was hardly a suitable response. Please accept my formal apology by way of this letter, which you will find affixed to the arrow now protruding from your neck.

Sincerely,
Thane of Whiterun, Master Archer

Dear Master Archer,

ARGH OH GOD. ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHH my neck. WHY. WHATS THIS NOTE SAY. I WOULDNT KNOW. CAUSE ITS PINNED IN MY NECK

OH GOD. ARGH. blargh

dead. . . .

Wow totally did not expect this thread to take off like this.

Dear Skyrim,

Please refrain from telling me not to Shout, the Greybeards insist I practice.

Sincerely, Dragonborn

Dear Skyrim,

Sabre Cats, domesticate them, now.

Sincerely, A man who wants a Sabre Cat guarding his home.

Dear Father,

I am hesitant to inform you that a Nord tried to molest me today. Well, at least I think it was. I asked him if he had come to lick your boots but... He got angry for some reason. So he shouted fire at me. Then swung at me. Then pulled out an elven battle axe and tried to hit me. Then he threw fire at me. Next ice and then finally lightning. He ended up snatching a sweetrole and storming out. I think he was trying to have sex with me but I'm not sure. What else could he possibly be doing? Surely he wasn't angry. A normal person would just walk away.

With love,
Your Loving Child

PS: What does Yol Toor Shul mean?

Dear Skyrim,

FREE YOUR HORSES, OUTLAW HUNTING, DON'T KILL SABER CATS, WOLVES, OR DRAGONS (we have concluded that dragons are an animal). IF YOU DON'T WE WILL FIRE BOMB YOUR KINGDOMS TO HELL!

Signed,
PETA

Dear Skyrim
Why does your bandit population outnumber your citizen population?
Sincerely, a bewildered Redguard with a bunch of new stuff.

MMmmmffff MmmmMMGHH.

MMMmmmmmghhgmmm mmmmg hhh mmmmmmmm hhmhmhmh gghh. gmmhmhmhhmmg hmmmghh gmmmghmhmhmhmg. hmgm hmghmhmhmgmh mhghghmmgmhm gmhmgmhmgh mgmhmgmhgmmhmghmg, ghghhghhmm ummmmmgghhumm. ghmhmh.

MMMM GMGGH MH MHMHMHMHMMHM GMGMGGM HMHMHMHHHMHHHG GMGMGMGMGMGM MHHMMMMHHH GMGMGMGMGM ! MGHM !

Mghghghg.

Translation :

Dear Skyrim.

So i am some noble, also superpowered mutant and sh*t. I can kill people by shouting on them. However i was captured and now i'm riding this wagon to the place where i'll no doubtly meet my end. Gagged.

AND NONE OF THOSE 3 FU*KERS I'M RIDING WITH IS SMART ENOUGHT TO TAKE THIS GAG OUT OF MY F*CKING MOUTH SO I COULD ASSAULT THOSE IMPERIAL MOTHERF*ERS SO THAT AT LEAST SOME OF US WOULD ESCAPE ALIVE ! F*CK !

Regards

XIGBARx13:

(P.S. If you happen to run into him, please ask The Butcher to kill that woman in Windhelm at his earliest convenience so I can finally buy Hjerim.)

aristos_achaion:

XIGBARx13:

(P.S. If you happen to run into him, please ask The Butcher to kill that woman in Windhelm at his earliest convenience so I can finally buy Hjerim.)

Trust me, I've been to Windhelm at least 20 times and it has still never triggered. I'm seriously hoping Bethesda patches this quest soon, since it has glitched on a LOT of people. It's like Skyrim's version of the infamously buggy Thieves Guild quest from Oblivion.

XIGBARx13:

aristos_achaion:

XIGBARx13:

(P.S. If you happen to run into him, please ask The Butcher to kill that woman in Windhelm at his earliest convenience so I can finally buy Hjerim.)

Trust me, I've been to Windhelm at least 20 times and it has still never triggered. I'm seriously hoping Bethesda patches this quest soon, since it has glitched on a LOT of people. It's like Skyrim's version of the infamously buggy Thieves Guild quest from Oblivion.

You can also buy Hjerim if you capture Windhelm for the Imperials. (Or, at least, I did when I did my Imperial playthrough.) Of course, that then makes the Blood on the Ice quest start up bewilderingly in the middle, so if you don't already know the quest was there, you're wondering why exactly your new house is blood-soaked and why you can't sleep there.

ED: Along the same lines,

Dear Skyrim,

I do appreciate your openness, and I love being able to explore, pickpocket, and generally mess with NPCs. However, I'd appreciate it if there was some explanation when something I'd randomly pickpocketed advances a quest several steps. That would alleviate embarrassing situations like

Yours,

An angry Dunmer

P.S. -- Please address all reply correspondence to the Markarth silver mines.

Dear Skyrim,

Please do keep better track of your children and instruct them to mind their own business.

There I was testing some calming spells on a group of chickens when one of your whelp happened upon me. I tried explaining to the guard that the calm spells had no side effects and that the chicken was perfectly fine but he insisted I pay and fee for his silence.

I'm no stranger to crooked guards, but the massacre following my refusal to pay could had been prevented if you kept you children at home.

-A concerned foreigner

P.S. You know there are Dragons about and you still let your kids run around unsupervised? o.0 What, are they immortal till 18?

P.P.S. I would love a way to dispose of all these quest items I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE QUESTS FOR, it's not that I don't want to do these quests, it's just that I'm starting to become very burdened.

Dear Skyrim,
I have slain dragons and ancient priests, warriors and wizards, mer and men.
Why oh why have I not managed to kill a slaughterfish?

Yours sincerely,
Your friendly neighbourhood dragonborn

Dearest Skyrim,

This one has spent the last several weeks traversing your jagged terrain. I have endured the fiercest blizzards and the most torrential rainstorms, and have found that Khajiit's fur protects him from all.

Maybe living in such a place for so long has damaged your brain... like too much skooma. No matter my accomplishments or accolades, Khajiit is constantly berated for being Khajiit. My brothers and sisters who left the warm sands of Elsweyr to sell their wares in this land are not even allowed in your cities. This one has even found his kin slain and decorating the floors of bandit hideouts. Every Nord, from Jarl to beggar to bandit detests this one. I fear this feeling may be... mutual now.

Your people are violent and racist, and must be stopped. Murder is wrong, but were you to have your way, this one and any living soul not a Nord would be run out of the province or run through with a blade... Khajiit will not let this stand.

I have penned this letter as a formal declaration of invasion, and a small warning to make peace with whatever gods you follow. Soon, this one will return home and muster an army to march on this cold land, a land as cold as the hearts that beat in the breasts of its people. We will rid Tamriel of your taint and bigotry, and make this land ours. (Have you pounced through snow before? It is quite invigorating.)

Perhaps we will bring slavery here, as well, so the Nord highborn can finally get a taste of what has been Khajitt's lot in life for so long... and after Skyrim has been introduced to and ground under this one's hindpaw, we will poke Morrowind with an ebony arrow or a thousand, and liberate the Khajiit enslaved there... hm, we shall see, won't we? :3

In closing, this one pities the Nords. You really should know better than to kick a cat. Especially one as tall as you... wielding blades in lieu of claws... clad in armor, protecting him from what his fur will not.

Your past victim and future bane,
Sev'rr

Dear Skyrim
Would it be at all possible for you to have your Balcksmiths and Mages to work together to create a beutiful one handed war hammer, that would shoot lighting, and if I spin it fast enough, let me fly?

I already thought of a great name for it: Mjǫlnir

I would of course be willing to pay for the hammer. Well... as long as it's resonable. Look if it's over 5000 coin, just leave it out in the open behind a unlocked door. What could possibly happen to it?

Thor, a very sad norse god.

JesterRaiin:
MMmmmffff MmmmMMGHH.

MMMmmmmmghhgmmm mmmmg hhh mmmmmmmm hhmhmhmh gghh. gmmhmhmhhmmg hmmmghh gmmmghmhmhmhmg. hmgm hmghmhmhmgmh mhghghmmgmhm gmhmgmhmgh mgmhmgmhgmmhmghmg, ghghhghhmm ummmmmgghhumm. ghmhmh.

MMMM GMGGH MH MHMHMHMHMMHM GMGMGGM HMHMHMHHHMHHHG GMGMGMGMGMGM MHHMMMMHHH GMGMGMGMGM ! MGHM !

Mghghghg.

Translation :

Dear Skyrim.

So i am some noble, also superpowered mutant and sh*t. I can kill people by shouting on them. However i was captured and now i'm riding this wagon to the place where i'll no doubtly meet my end. Gagged.

AND NONE OF THOSE 3 FU*KERS I'M RIDING WITH IS SMART ENOUGHT TO TAKE THIS GAG OUT OF MY F*CKING MOUTH SO I COULD ASSAULT THOSE IMPERIAL MOTHERF*ERS SO THAT AT LEAST SOME OF US WOULD ESCAPE ALIVE ! F*CK !

Regards

Sir, I was there.
Yes, I was the fluffy one that made you kind of scritchy.
Sorry.
Now, I would like to take a moment to mention that we might have ungagged you, had the Imperials not had the presence of mind to tie our hands together.
I would like to bring to your attention, to show your slight hypocrisy, the events of last year. I was gagged and bound and left to die in the Alik'r desert, taunted with food by my face. I chewed through cotton to survive. I'm sure a great and powerful leader such as yourself could do that, or do you require the servants you use to urinate.
Sincerely, T'rmel the Gentle-Cat Thief.

P.S. I sprayed your throne therefore it is mine therefore I am Jarl.

P.P.S. You may wish to speak to a Ms Tonilia in Riften if you would like your jewels and other valuables returned.

Dear Skyrim,

I am not a Nord! I am a Breton B-r-e-t-o-n let me tell you some thing to help you see which is which our eyebrows look like the elves! And I do believe were shorter than most of man. Also why does every inn keeper look at me funny a spew insults at me as soon as I say "Do you know where I can learn magic?" It's almost as bad as the racism against all non-nords!

Draenin Dragonblood/Breton/ Arch-Mage.

Dear Skyrim,

How do your people survive in a world where Bears and Giants can kill Dragons? I thought Dragons were the ultimate lifeform, you know, being born of Akatosh? I mean, if this is Skyrim now, how easy or hard did Ysgramor have when traveling to Skyrim?

Signed,
Concerned Hero of Skyrim.

P.S. Please start the burial tradition of cremation. You'd think after the recent Draugr incidents, you would've prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

-Ezio-:
Dear Whoever has Kidnaped my Dog

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my dog go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Vengefully,
Risa

Dear Risa,

Good Luck!

From, Alduin.

Dear Skyrim,

I have recently been accosted by nameless assassins while minding my own business (mainly dealing with the problems presented by your inconvenient burial traditions, Concerned Hero of Skyrim is certainly worth listening to... Although I don't mind the gold) in the rugged beauty of your wilderness.
Now, I believe I have done no harm, and have wronged noone. What I simply ask is that whoever preformed the Black Sacrament and request my death immediately notify me so that we may perhaps work out this certain misunderstanding over a moonsugar waterpipe. As for the Dark Brotherhood, while I am thankfull in a way that your aspiring assassins have saved my hide on many occasions by bravely sacrificing their lives for mine, I think we can both agree that this is not a good use for the lives of your brothers and sisters. Surely, there are more worthy candidates for Sithis than I?

Sincerely, Rajh'khan. Khajiit and Dragonborn. Get over it, Nords.

Dear Skyrim.

I am a horse. While I enjoy being a horse and doing things horses do and find the roots and berries of your tundras impeccable, I still cannot shake the feeling that you wish only my death. I do not know how many times my irresponsible owner have left me to fend for myself in the wilderness, often outside caverns and ruins littered with bleached bones, clearly not a place for a good little horse. And don't even get me started on the equinophobic spiders and sabercats who all dash to tear at my flanks with no provocation whatsoever.

My owner, although well-meaning and kind-a-soul, is showing a glaring disreguard for my safety, and so does the tool back in Solitude who sold me, no questions asked. I am not a warsteed, for Equestria's sake! All I ask is that you take a bit more consideration into just who you sell us horses to. We should not have to live in vague hope that we might aspire to more in our short lives than dragon-bait.

Sincerely, Mr Fuzzynumz, Rajh'khan's Horse.

P.S. It was rather difficult penning this using only my hooves, I tell ye that!

Gustof26:

-Ezio-:
Dear Whoever has Kidnaped my Dog

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my dog go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Vengefully,
Risa

Dear Risa,

Good Luck!

From, Alduin.

oh, it's on now you scaly bastard.

image

Muspelheim:
Dear Skyrim,

I have recently been accosted by nameless assassins while minding my own business (mainly dealing with the problems presented by your inconvenient burial traditions, Concerned Hero of Skyrim is certainly worth listening to... Although I don't mind the gold) in the rugged beauty of your wilderness.
Now, I believe I have done no harm, and have wronged noone. What I simply ask is that whoever preformed the Black Sacrament and request my death immediately notify me so that we may perhaps work out this certain misunderstanding over a moonsugar waterpipe. As for the Dark Brotherhood, while I am thankfull in a way that your aspiring assassins have saved my hide on many occasions by bravely sacrificing their lives for mine, I think we can both agree that this is not a good use for the lives of your brothers and sisters. Surely, there are more worthy candidates for Sithis than I?

Sincerely, Rajh'khan. Khajiit and Dragonborn. Get over it, Nords.

Dear Skyrim.

I am a horse. While I enjoy being a horse and doing things horses do and find the roots and berries of your tundras impeccable, I still cannot shake the feeling that you wish only my death. I do not know how many times my irresponsible owner have left me to fend for myself in the wilderness, often outside caverns and ruins littered with bleached bones, clearly not a place for a good little horse. And don't even get me started on the equinophobic spiders and sabercats who all dash to tear at my flanks with no provocation whatsoever.

My owner, although well-meaning and kind-a-soul, is showing a glaring disreguard for my safety, and so does the tool back in Solitude who sold me, no questions asked. I am not a warsteed, for Equestria's sake! All I ask is that you take a bit more consideration into just who you sell us horses to. We should not have to live in vague hope that we might aspire to more in our short lives than dragon-bait.

Sincerely, Mr Fuzzynumz, Rajh'khan's Horse.

P.S. It was rather difficult penning this using only my hooves, I tell ye that!

Mr Fuzzynumz,
You think YOU have it bad? I keep getting horse-napped by a Khajiit outside my home in Whiterun. He doensn't just leave me to await his return, he will ditch me in the middle of the wilderness and send me home, then do it all again a day later.
Sincerely, Maurice

Dear Skyrim,

I am content.

Thank you,
A fluffy cat with two daedric swords.

Dear Skyrim,

Why must you get rid of me when I try to resume my tale?

Sincerely

*******

Dammit, not again!

Dear Jarls of Skyrim

I am writing to you all as a concerned guardsman of Dawnstar. I feel that the security of our prisons is not up to standard. Sure they are good a keeping a few drunken braggarts lock up overnight as they sober up but the recent prison breaks that have happened all over Skyrim proves that a serious upgrade in prison security is needed, especially as all the breaks where committed by the same individual.

Our first contact with this criminal was here in Dawnstar where the suspect had assaulted a traveller and stolen his horse. The suspect was quickly spotted by one of our alert guards as he come into town and was promptly arrested. The arrest was simple enough the assailant was unarmed when brought in but we still stripped of his belongings and through him in a cell with a guard standing watch, with the rest of us where in the barracks up stair; an escape seemed impossilbe, or so we thought. Awhile past when we heard a loud crash in the jail and the sound of someone shouting really loudly. As we got up to investigate the prisoner came through the door. Seeing this me and my fellow guards drew our swords, but no sooner had we done this, we all came over with sudden feeling of inner peace and a loss of all desire to fight. We could do nothing but stand there and watch the prisoner slowly get dressed back into his clothes, give me a cheeky wink and walk out the front door to freedom.

Since this incident we have heard of similar breaks by this individual elsewhere in Skyrim and it seems we here in Dawnstar where very lucky as his escape have become increasingly violent. I need not remind you of the break in Riften where two broadsword wielding Daedra appeared out of thin air and horrifically slaughtered most of guards while the prisoner escaped. Or of the break in Whiterun where most of the guards where more concerned with killing each other than stopping the prisoner. Clearly we need better methods of detaining magic users in our prisons. I advise the Jarls to consider consulting their court wizards to see if we can enchant some bracings or feed prisoners some sort of potion to stop prevent them from using magic, otherwise criminals like this one will be using our guards as target practice for years to come.

Yours Faithfully
Head Guard of Dawnstar

Saggingcow:
Dear Skyrim,

My wife is dead of (cough)natural(cough) causes, why can't I remarry?

Sincerely yours,

A concerned not-murderer

P.S.
SHETOTALLYHADITCOMING

Skyrim. A land with 5 minute weddings and no divorces. No wonder everyones so miserable.

Dear Skyrim,

Please do something about these dragon priests, sprinting for my life across half of skyrim with fire being blasted at my heels has insofar been an unpleasant experience. I reccomend sealing coffins much tighter, in fact why even make them re oppenable at all? Do you WANT things to be able to climb out? Please instate a guild for coffin sealers and get them on the job.

Thanks in advanced

Nier Nierson, very scorched elf ranger.

Dear Skyrim,

It seems every guard in town used to be adventurers like me, until they took an arrow in the knee. Who's shooting these arrows? Am I next?

Sincerely,
faspxina

Dear Skyrim,

Why can't I disenchant mannequins to get the 100% chameleon spell that is seemingly applied to every item of apparel placed on them?

Sincerely,
Manleigh Aledrinker, Archmage

Dear people of Skyrim,

I'm the Thane of Riften, Falkreath, Whiterun and Morthal and some other provinces that I forgot how to spell.
I'm the Harbinger of the Companions and the Archmage of the only college of Skyrim.
I've collected any bounty someone offered me thus far, I killed every bandit from Riften to Solitude, I helped every farmer and every priest and every craftsmen I found on the way.
I killed more dragons than you average laymen can count.
I even joined the military and have been promoted to an officer rank recently.
So please show some goddamn respect when you see me.
I'm not expecting you to kneel down or something, but these offending insults don't really help your cause.
Try not to act tough, because I can see through your disguise rather easily.
You were never an adventurer like me, no matter how many arrows you got in your knee.
I won't conjure you up a warm bed, unless you are good looking, female and have nothing against a latest installment of the nude mod.
I won't brew you an ale even if you are more attractive afterwards.
And no I won't fetch mead only because the Headquarter of the companions is a Meadhall.
And please take you obnoxious children home and give them a sound beating before I install the child killing and necrophilia mod and Fus Roh da them through Whiterun.

Sincerly
Me

Dear Skyrim,

What was that, Guard? Me? Nahh, I don't look familiar, I'm new to Skyr-...hm? I was the last person to what? The Gourmet? No, I didn't know the Emperor is in Skyrim...how lovely..

I will shoot you in the knee if you keep looking at me like that.

Regards,
Adellabella, Listener

Dear Skyrim,
If you find more than a few dead bodies of Forsworn,
Thieves Guild members, Stormcloaks, Dark Brotherhood assasins, civilians,
and a bit of Imperials, please do not blame me.
Thank you,
Kyri
Thane of Whiterun and legendary Dragonborn

Dear Skyrim,
If you find more than a few dead bodies of Forsworn,
Thieves Guild members, Stormcloaks, Dark Brotherhood assasins, civilians,
and a bit of Imperials, please do not blame me.
Thank you,
Kyri
Thane of Whiterun and legendary Dragonborn

Dear Skyrim,

I am worried about my wife in Riften. She's a lovely girl and I enjoy the income I get from her little shop but I'm worried she'll find out about my love for another...

You see, my true love is Lydia, my constant companion and battle partner. Lydia has been fighting by my side for weeks now and I've grown to love her dearly. I've even become accustomed to her frequent sarcasm when I ask her to do something for me.

I'm concerned that if my wife finds out I'm having an affair, she'll divorce me. What do you think I should do?

Yours sincerely
Ratters the Dragonslayer

To Whom It May Concern,

I am eternally sorry for what happened. If you came here expecting to find an orc willing to sell you something called "skooma" or something else, you will be greatly disappointed. While I was on my way up to High Hrothgar, the pig-headed dolt kept talking to me in circles about what he was willing to offer. At first, I thought he was some sort of sex worker looking to get rough and tumble in some bushes nearby. I don't swing axes that direction, so I may have appeared standoffish. Then, he told me he was into selling some sort of weird drink. Having heard about the "mixed drinks" made in Winterhold College, I was leery what this orc could have been up to.

Unsure of what "product" he was rambling on about, and frightened he was looking for a lonely hook-up, I declined. The orc, as orcs are inclined to do I suppose, became defensive and militant. He couldn't stand rejection and feared I may report him to authorities. In his frenzied irrationality, he tried to attack me. Terrible idea. Worst idea in his life.

In short, the orc's dead, and I've got his skooma. If you want some, I'd be willing to hand it over gratis. My Dragonborn senses tell me that the orc might have micturated in his special batch to extend his production line. Otherwise, I would have tested some out on my housecarl Lydia to "set the mood" while we're on the trail. There's fire under that armor of hers, and I like playing with fire.

Come find me, however, if you want the last of your drinks. Just don't act like a trembling ninny.

~Cornelius G. Thundercock

lettersfromskyrim.wordpress.com

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