Katawa Shoujo - Hanako's Story (COMPLETED 18/08/2014)

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Hey, so yeah, I decided to do a fanfic on Katawa Shoujo. Basically retelling the entire game, specifically the Hanako Arc (Good Ending), from Hanako's point of view. Why Hanako? Because she's my favourite character, and I also find her the most interesting, with a hidden strength to her character that is so often missed by players of the game. As a writer I feel there's a challenge to see into her mind through each part of the game and see life the way Hanako sees it.

I intend to publish this on Fanfiction.net, but only after each seperate arc is complete. You lucky readers get to avoid the wait though, as I will update this thread over time with the latest version of the story and the latest chapters as I write them. I do hope for some feedback, since I may well (provided this is any good) do the same for Hanako's other endings, and also for the other girls in the game... So yes, take a look, let me know your thoughts, and enjoy this unique insight into the mind of a truly enigmatic individual! Hanako, that is, not me...

It's believable, so kudos for that. The later chapters will definitely be interesting.

I found this line;


hilarious.

Loop Stricken:
I found this line;


hilarious.

Ah, yes, of course. I didn't actually notice that until you pointed it out, and I've been making such an effort too, to not forget one's deaf and one's blind. I even point it out in the story really early on! I'm honestly unsure whether I should edit that out or leave it in as a sort of in-joke...

Also, here's Chapter Three, moved from it's original home to help the Escapist Hamsters cope!

I think it's quite apt, to be honest.

I like to think Hanako's inner monologue is a little bit snarky and resentful.

Loop Stricken:
I think it's quite apt, to be honest.

I like to think Hanako's inner monologue is a little bit snarky and resentful.

I agree there. At the end of the day, her entire character and story arc is built around her being a much stronger person than people think, and that she doesn't need to be treated like a little kid - she is an adult with the maturity and intelligence and resourcefulness to overcome her problems, if she's just given time and support when needed. So few people seem to understand that though. Which is why I get the feeling I'll raise a fair bit of controversy when I come to write the Good Ending sex scene further down the line... :P

Even though my favorite character is Rin, I decided to take a look at your Hanako related work anyway. Forgive me when I say that I expected your work to be low quality at first, as that is what I've grown accustomed to during the time that I gave fan-fiction a chance.

Your work turned out to be surprisingly good and believable. I'm kind of interested in reading the rest of it as well. And yes, I recommend leaving the joke in =P.

Trivun:
Snip

Must say, some of the thoughts Hanako was having that you wrote down- were really detailed and I liked that. Even though there are a few lines or so that I would question if Hanako really did think or act that way- most of it was in Hanako's nature, her character thus believable. Major props to you that you're taking on this challenge thus I enjoyed the read overall.

Here are the pros and cons, the feedback you seek.
(Note these are my personal opinions, advise even so you don't have to take any of them to heart.)

Pros

    - Very descriptive on Hanako's thoughts. I really liked that concept the most.
    - Her reactions matched how things went down in the first act.
    - Parts that weren't in the arc, you managed to fill up those gaps well.
    - Told the story in an organized manner that did not throw us off.

Cons

    - A few statements that seemed out of Hanako's character like the 'A new student. Great. Someone else to avoid.' I understand why you placed that down and that is one side of her but she has no reason to go into that mood this early in the act.
    - Some sections seemed to be rushed, skipping some dialogue or scenes that happened in the game.
    - Focused to much on Hanako's train of thoughts, first person narrating rather then her thinking of 'what ifs' and considering what could happen, extra depth in her thoughts that could show she doubts or reconsiders things. If you need more of an explainition to this, do ask.

Besides that, you really did an amazing job. I look forward to your next updates all the way to the end of Hanako's arc. Even if I sounded harsh or unreasonable with my con selection, your pros outweighed the cons but I didn't mention all the pros due to wanting to tell the biggest pros to your story rather then every little pro that wouldn't matter if it was there or not. Still, I like where this is going.

Caramel Frappe:

Trivun:
Snip

Must say, some of the thoughts Hanako was having that you wrote down- were really detailed and I liked that. Even though there are a few lines or so that I would question if Hanako really did think or act that way- most of it was in Hanako's nature, her character thus believable. Major props to you that you're taking on this challenge thus I enjoyed the read overall.

Here are the pros and cons, the feedback you seek.
(Note these are my personal opinions, advise even so you don't have to take any of them to heart.)

Pros

    - Very descriptive on Hanako's thoughts. I really liked that concept the most.
    - Her reactions matched how things went down in the first act.
    - Parts that weren't in the arc, you managed to fill up those gaps well.
    - Told the story in an organized manner that did not throw us off.

Cons

    - A few statements that seemed out of Hanako's character like the 'A new student. Great. Someone else to avoid.' I understand why you placed that down and that is one side of her but she has no reason to go into that mood this early in the act.
    - Some sections seemed to be rushed, skipping some dialogue or scenes that happened in the game.
    - Focused to much on Hanako's train of thoughts, first person narrating rather then her thinking of 'what ifs' and considering what could happen, extra depth in her thoughts that could show she doubts or reconsiders things. If you need more of an explainition to this, do ask.

Besides that, you really did an amazing job. I look forward to your next updates all the way to the end of Hanako's arc. Even if I sounded harsh or unreasonable with my con selection, your pros outweighed the cons but I didn't mention all the pros due to wanting to tell the biggest pros to your story rather then every little pro that wouldn't matter if it was there or not. Still, I like where this is going.

Thanks for the comment, and thank you too for giving me actual constructive criticism! In all the writing online that I've previously done it is so rare to actually get proper feedback, and it always annoys me, because without constructive criticism there's little chance for me to develop and get better as a writer :P.

Regarding your points, I will try to keep those cons in mind when continuing the story. I was thinking yesterday about how I'm going to have to be a lot more critical of myself and re-read, go back and edit, and keep an eye on previous parts, much more than any of my other work in the past, just because I'm effectively rewriting an existing story rather than making my own up. It's bound to be a much more difficult task than anything I've done before.

Regarding what you say about skipping scenes and rushing things though, bear in mind that at this point in the story Hanako's life is just the same as usual, so including detail about what she does each day would quickly become boring this early on. Recall that in the original game there isn't a massive amount of interaction between Hisao and Hanako early in Act One, until you are actually guaranteed (unless you deliberately try for the 'Kenji Route') to get either Lilly's or Hanako's route - I do intend to go into more detail about Hanako's life in scenes that don't include her in the game when I reach that point. Until then, I'm staying close to the game, with a few extra bits added just to embellish events. Hanako fleeing the library, for example, is a good place to do so - in the game we don't see what she does next as Hisao doesn't know himself, but it would make no sense to just cut off Hanako's view here when she runs away. Otherwise, I can see your point, it's just that I will address that further down the line when it does start to become a proper issue :)

Again, though, thanks for reading, and for actually liking it and leaving me good proper feedback. Hopefully everyone else will look forward to the next part as much as I look forward to writing it! :D

I like it. I would say that a few things seem a little out of character for hanako though. I never thought of Hanako as a character who would think of other people as things to be avoided or bothersome but then again, theres no reason she wouldn't be a little resentful towards others. I havn't read Frankenstein in a while but the fact that she read the whole thing in a day is impressive. It was a very appropirate book for her to be reading.

This was a entertaining read and I look forward to your next chapter. :)

Okay, so one of the criticisms I have had so far is that I seem to be taking liberties with Hanako's character, writing parts that are apparently 'out of character' for her. While I do appreciate the criticism where constructive, and welcome it, I do feel a need to basically explain my justification for my treatment of the character so far. Hopefully this won't sound pretentious or anything, and hopefully won't become a brief essay, but it is certainly based on the source material itself as well as other factors, and reading between the lines of the original game. Please note that there will be clear spoilers here, though I dare say anyone interested in this fanfic have already played the game anyway...

Hopefully this all makes sense, and shows that there is in fact very good reason for Hanako to have that snarky side to her, full of bitterness at her fellow students and at people in general. Then again, if it doesn't, then I'm more than happy to hear everyone else's thoughts on the matter :)

I really liked it. Its kinda how i always imagined her inner monolouge would be, although a lot less panicky. Either way i'll be watching here for the other parts of the story, and i'd request that you do Emi next :D

Trivun:

snip

Checking in from the group, and I should say that I like what you have so far and it does match rather well with what may be going through Hananko's head as far I would guess. (That came out more awkward sounding then I thought... >_>) Though I want to ask if you will put the updates to the story via posts or from editing the OP?

NoOne852:

Trivun:

snip

Checking in from the group, and I should say that I like what you have so far and it does match rather well with what may be going through Hananko's head as far I would guess. (That came out more awkward sounding then I thought... >_>) Though I want to ask if you will put the updates to the story via posts or from editing the OP?

Thanks :). I'll be doing both to update, by the way, posting but also adding to the OP (provided space allows). I've uploaded it to Fanfiction.net nyway too, so if push comes to shove I can always just post links to it there instead :P

UPDATE!!!!! Yep, been a bit longer than I hoped for, but here's Act One, Chapter Two for your perusal, now posted in the Opening Post :)

Good addition. The only thing I really can think to say for criticism would be at the point where Hisao asks to join Lilly and Hanako, when Lilly said that they could accomadate Hisao. I personally interpreted that moment as more Lilly being okay with Hisao joining and was just ensuring Hananko was also okay with it, rather than Lilly making Hanako decide if Hisao could join or not. But that is just a matter of perspective so not really a point to look at I suppose.
I look forward to your next addition ^_^

NoOne852:
Good addition. The only thing I really can think to say for criticism would be at the point where Hisao asks to join Lilly and Hanako, when Lilly said that they could accomadate Hisao. I personally interpreted that moment as more Lilly being okay with Hisao joining and was just ensuring Hananko was also okay with it, rather than Lilly making Hanako decide if Hisao could join or not. But that is just a matter of perspective so not really a point to look at I suppose.
I look forward to your next addition ^_^

Thanks :D. Regarding that point, I kind of just figured that would be how Hanako would interpret the situation, while Hisao interprets it a different way, and Lilly would another way. Depnds on whose thoughts you're following :). If I do eventually write a 'Lilly's Story' then I'll probably revisit that point (it being a key point in-game on the path to Hanako/Lilly's arcs) and write it slightly differently again...

Trivun, mind if put this thread on the announcement page of the KS fan group?
There's not a lot of KS news really :P

AC10:
Trivun, mind if put this thread on the announcement page of the KS fan group?
There's not a lot of KS news really :P

That's fine by me, the more exposure the better :)

Captcha: Reduplicated phrases - how apt for a story that's essentially a retelling of an exisiting one... ;P

Act One, Part Three is now up for all you avid readers out there!

Another good addition. Aside from another part or two where I had a different take on the situation than you did, it still holds to be rather believable and you are doing an excellent job at merging it with the story. An enjoyable read and I will continue to keep up with your updates! :D

Chapter Four now up for your perusal :)

I seem to have forgotten to say this in my previous post, but I think it was pretty clever for you to have Hanako overhear the argument between Shizune and Lilly.

A good read once again. My only considerable critizism is once again more just my view opposed to your own, so take it with a grain of salt I suppose. But it's that I think Hanako is more concerned about how people treat her rather than her condition itself. (Just a vibe I was getting from reading it is all, this could very well be a simple misinterpretation. If so, I apologize for not grasping the point correctly.)

Great work! =D

NoOne852:
I seem to have forgotten to say this in my previous post, but I think it was pretty clever for you to have Hanako overhear the argument between Shizune and Lilly.

A good read once again. My only considerable critizism is once again more just my view opposed to your own, so take it with a grain of salt I suppose. But it's that I think Hanako is more concerned about how people treat her rather than her condition itself. (Just a vibe I was getting from reading it is all, this could very well be a simple misinterpretation. If so, I apologize for not grasping the point correctly.)

Great work! =D

Thanks for the comment! :D

Yeah, with the whole Shizune/Lilly argument, I just wanted an excuse to not skip through that part even without Hanako being there - I really enjoy that scene, such a good place for Lilly to get one over on Shizune (if you make the right choice...). Also, panty shot FTW! ;D

Seriously though, it is a pretty good scene, so including it was more a vanity play on my part than anything else. But it does give a good opportunity to further show Hanako's snarky side...

Regarding how Hanako is concerned with the way she's treated, and her scars, the way I see it is simply that Hanako's overriding issues stem from the way people see her. In my own view, she learned to deal with her scars long ago, kind of as a necessity, but speaking from experience I know how difficult it can be to get over the way others see you. I've lived my whole life with that situation, worrying about what other people think of me and acting accordingly, and it's always been a very difficult habit to break. Hanako, I feel, is much the same, someone who can't get past how others treat her - understandable given how they did treat her when she was younger.

As for her scars, I think she would have gotten over them years before, and that at this point they serve two real functions for her mentality more than anything:

1. Her scars affect how others see her (thus linking more to my original point), and
2. Her scars remind her of the accident that killed her parents.

Going on to that second point, I do plan to address that later on. When she's got her mind on other things, I feel Hanako is able to forget the accident, and so she focuses more on the first point. In the game, you notice that she is able to deal with people when her scars aren't being brought up (for example, with Lilly's class), so we go back to the first point, and all is addressed - she is able to be relatively normal in those cases. But in the game, when it nears her birthday, her scars are more reminder of the accident, and make her already nervous and hysterical tendencies that come to the fore at that time even worse. I will include that when I get nearer her birthday, but there is still a ways to go until then. The trickiest part for me as a writer though will be including something realistic and believable in her internal monologue then, while she's hiding away in her room, rather than just ten pages of "Oh, woe is me! Why was I ever born in the first place! Yadda yadda yadda wahhhhhhh!" - that would be no good at all, nor would it be congruent to her character to do so...

Trivun:

snip

In that context that all makes sense then. I find it facinating how differently two people can view/read a situation based on their own personal experiences. It seems that it can really add or change an angle. Though this could just be a rare event, I personally think this makes it more interesting.

And I am interested in seeing how you will handle the more complicated areas of the story ahead. Any number of things could be branched in what could be going through her head in the story while still avoiding (as you said) the whole, "why me?!" situation. At least, not to the point where there's repeatition.

Goodness, I feel like I should say more after your thorough explination. XD
But I'm quite tired and am having trouble thinking of what else to say... Damn my non-functioning mind! Wake up, I just feed you! >_<

Next chapter up now!

Trivun:
Next chapter up now!

(Im sorry this is a late reply, I usually keep up with this thread but I sorta forgot from going on a couple anime marathons after work. Nostalgia can be a bitch to control)
Anyway, I like where you are going with it and I don't really have any kind of criticism. I was going to say Hanako didn't know aboutHisaos condtion, but it was the surgery she didn't know about, not the condition itself.
this one seemed to be a bit longer than the others, not that that is an issue.
Good work and I will hopefully be on time for the next update :D

Next chapter, and the end of Act 1! Also, quite a bit longer, meaning more bang (well, story) for your buck (that you aren't paying me)!

That was a good read. I was a bit surprised you went into detail about the game of chess, and were able to do so in a pretty clear way. I think you're doing a great job at capturing Hanako's thoughts in a way that runs with the story well. I know I probably wouldn't be able to do it. XD
Still ever curious as to how you will interpret the later scenes, butuntil then, I will continue to look forward to your next addition =D

NoOne852:
That was a good read. I was a bit surprised you went into detail about the game of chess, and were able to do so in a pretty clear way. I think you're doing a great job at capturing Hanako's thoughts in a way that runs with the story well. I know I probably wouldn't be able to do it. XD
Still ever curious as to how you will interpret the later scenes, butuntil then, I will continue to look forward to your next addition =D

Well, Hanako is my favourite character, and I can definitely empathise with her... Plus, another thing we have in common - we both like chess. Hence I figured in her own mind she would go into more detail about the chess game than a casual player like Hisao would. To get the detail I simply played a game myself, though I played against a computer opponent, and used the moves I'd imagine the pair making while changing whatever was needed to fit the brief description Hisao gives in the game. The result was a match that could feasibly take place and fit the rules of chess, while also fitting the story canon of KS and giving the right outcome (i.e. victory through cornering Hanako's king).

Kind of a cheating way to do it, I guess, but ah well ;D

Trivun:

NoOne852:
That was a good read. I was a bit surprised you went into detail about the game of chess, and were able to do so in a pretty clear way. I think you're doing a great job at capturing Hanako's thoughts in a way that runs with the story well. I know I probably wouldn't be able to do it. XD
Still ever curious as to how you will interpret the later scenes, butuntil then, I will continue to look forward to your next addition =D

Well, Hanako is my favourite character, and I can definitely empathise with her... Plus, another thing we have in common - we both like chess. Hence I figured in her own mind she would go into more detail about the chess game than a casual player like Hisao would. To get the detail I simply played a game myself, though I played against a computer opponent, and used the moves I'd imagine the pair making while changing whatever was needed to fit the brief description Hisao gives in the game. The result was a match that could feasibly take place and fit the rules of chess, while also fitting the story canon of KS and giving the right outcome (i.e. victory through cornering Hanako's king).

Kind of a cheating way to do it, I guess, but ah well ;D

Well hey, whatever works right? lol
You didn't have a lot to work with as I think Hisao may have said two or three lines total about the events of the match itself, so in a way, I guess that would make it a bit easier? Since you would be able to mold it to your liking and therefore have whatever inner monologue you wanted.

I also enjoy chess and billiards, however, I never have anyone to play with. foreveralone.jpg
So with chess I just play it on the computer now and again, but I mostly just play whatever comes to mind. Then there is the floor tile game, which, is something most everyone I know has done at least once. XD
It is usualy backwards though, stepping on the lighter instead of the darker.

I've enjoyed it so far and hope you keep it up. The Frankenstein reference was a bit heavy handed. Maybe bring it back to the Life of Pi. Dunno.

Walter Byers:
I've enjoyed it so far and hope you keep it up. The Frankenstein reference was a bit heavy handed. Maybe bring it back to the Life of Pi. Dunno.

To be fair, the first book she reads in the game isn't mentioned in KS, and I did mention Life of Pi. I don't know, I just thought it fit, but each to his/her own :).

NoOne852:
Well hey, whatever works right? lol
You didn't have a lot to work with as I think Hisao may have said two or three lines total about the events of the match itself, so in a way, I guess that would make it a bit easier? Since you would be able to mold it to your liking and therefore have whatever inner monologue you wanted.

I also enjoy chess and billiards, however, I never have anyone to play with. foreveralone.jpg
So with chess I just play it on the computer now and again, but I mostly just play whatever comes to mind. Then there is the floor tile game, which, is something most everyone I know has done at least once. XD
It is usualy backwards though, stepping on the lighter instead of the darker.

It was a bit easier, yeah, but writing something like a chess game isn't always that easy. I actually had plans for a short film a while ago that I may revisit when my current short film project is done, which involved a traditional chess game against a not so traditional (read - young attractive female) Grim Reaper, and yet despite enjoying chess I wasn't anywhere near good enough to come up with a plausible match that also fit the narrative ideas I had. The game would have matched the discussion and plot of the actual film. Thus I planned to outsource the writing (via chess notation) of a game that fit my guidelines to a more professional player, but never got around to it. Ah well, I may go back to it at some point, the idea's still there.

I never played the floor game myself, but I did (and still sometimes do) play a different, but similar, game. You know on the pavement (or to Americans, sidewalk), the path dips wherever there's a driveway, to allow cars access to the driveway without ruining the suspension? I would pretend that I couldn't walk parallel to those dips whenever a car was passing, and could only walk past them when there were no cars also parallel. I would have to carefully time my steps to match the required pattern without it looking too odd that I was stopping and starting every so often, which I tried to avoid doing... Hey, I said I could relate to Hanako, right?!?

(Captcha: FUNNY FARM - yeah, I probably belong on one after that little story...)

Trivun:

snip

Well everyone has their own odd games. Can't say I've heard of the one you played on the pavement. One game I made up when you are walking next to a road (doesn't have to be on pavement) goes as follows. Most roads have the solid or dashed lines in the middle. Whenever an oncoming car going the opposite direction of you, you would need to be parrallel to a line to be safe. If your not, then you need to jump so your feet aren't on the ground when the vehicle passes by the blank space parrallel to you.
It's a weird game, and a bit harder to explain than I thought, but I just picked it up as a kid. Not sure why.

A shorter chapter than usual, but also the first time I have any lengthy look at Hanako without Hisao's presence! Enjoy...

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