Mr Chairman: Welcome to the first gamer's public safety commission meeting. For years video game denizens have been put at risk by dangerous business practices both by the antagonist's Alliance and the Protagonists Union. Well no more! This commission was created to prevent senseless deaths caused by lax safety standards and unsafe storage practices.

On the Agenda

*Barrels of rocket fuel. Do we really need them? And should they be strewn around corridors randomly rather than kept in a safe storage area?

*Gun vending machines. While the commission apreciates convenience we do think that perhaps giving a people who are stuck in close proximity to each other for years at a time (either in underwater cities or space stations) access to weapons for less than the price of a decent meal for two is a great public health risk that has to stop.

*Proper medical equipment storage. First aid cabinets are there for a reason. More than once has an injured person or persons reached a first aid box only to find the actual medical supplies are on the other side of the building hidden under a stack of crates.

Now now. Better to have a barrel of rocket fuel and not need it than to need a barrel of rocket fuel and not have it.

SimuLord:
Now now. Better to have a barrel of rocket fuel and not need it than to need a barrel of rocket fuel and not have it.

The board recognizes the need for rocket fuel in certain industrial contexts. The board does however question the need to fill the local aqueducts with clearly marked barrels of rocket fuel and local contractor's habits of using them to support unstable structures such as rickety bridges made of plywood.

Mr. Chairman, what are your thoughts on the amount of boobage that we should put into games. We need to have boobs to sell our games, but we can't risk alienating these so called "Women" that claim to play video games.

What is the deal with knives.. they only kill you in one hit in the back. Surely this is discrimination against other body parts

juandonde:
Mr. Chairman, what are your thoughts on the amount of boobage that we should put into games. We need to have boobs to sell our games, but we can't risk alienating these so called "Women" that claim to play video games.

While the board apreciates a hefty pair of love melons as much as the next man it is also of the opinion that a duet of sex pillows that look like two weather balloons mating may not only effect the short term efficiency of their owner but may in fact cause long term muscular and spinal issues as well as chronic backpain. The board therefore advises against giving female characters cadillac bumper bullets that are measured in metres.

Mr. Speaker, I wish to raise the constant dangers of most beat-em-up and Nintendo antagonists in announcing their intentions via breifly glowing (and in a colour-coordinated fashion, too) or causing any points of structural weakness to flash.

Mr. Chairman, we seem to have a problem with the drivers of our delivery and export trucks as well as standard cars manufactured. They keep complaing about clunky steering and poor breaking. They keep saying something along the lines of, "counterintuitive handling" or something like that.
What do you propose we do?
There are also those whom complain about needing to drive when driving is not neccesarry.

The Honorable Member for FPS would like to put foward the motion that the currently huge budget allocated to making armour look awesome be withdrawn and instead be put towards the furnishings of said armour with lots more comfy pillows on the inside, as well as methane-venting technology. And also be iphone compatible.

It is this members opinion that racing stripes, emblems and spikes on armour is useless. Anyone you meet wearing it is going to end up in one of two groups:

1. You kill them. Who cares what they think when their insides have been replaced with burning plasma/shotgun pellets.

2. They kill you. Who cares what they think when your insides have been replaced with burning plasma/shotgun pellets.

The board would like to state the following.

-The board states that there is no way around clunk vehicle handling without the use of a control pad and thus, recomends you walk whenever possible.

-The board advises against 'powering up' your machinery and/or vital organs by causing damage to them. While yes, in some situations, doing a sufficent ammount of damage to a device will cause it flash red and double it's operating efficiency, this procedure almost always ends with a massive explosion that not only destroys said machinery but also any nearby secret underground bases.

-Evil overlords are advised against placing a series of 'power ups' in each of their robot minions.

Mr. Chairman, I would like to address the alarming number of home break-ins in the past month. I would also like to remind everyone, particularly members of the Protagonist's Union (you know who you are), that just because a door is open does not give you the right to enter a person's home, take items and Gil from their shiny, unlocked treasure chests, and leave without so much as a word.

We at the Horror Genre Board would like to bring up a growing set of problems.
First off, our workers are being stuffed into proverbial closets and being thrown out at the first sign of a protagonist. It's poor for morale.
Also, there have been reports of high blood preassure, unusually high. To the point of having a single injury project blood to approximately fifteen foot arcs leading to an almost instantaneous death. We need healthcare for our workers.

Mr. Chairman, the Economics Sub Comitee would like to take this opportunity to raise the serious issue of inflation and it's effects on the community. For years investors like John Carmack and Peter Molyneux have, through ethically questionable practices, have grossly inflated the expectations of games through misinformed hype and their mouths cashing checks that their work simply cannot cover. The results of this unrestrained and unethical investment practices have had devastating effects- just as the games in question come to maturation, the bubbles burst resulting in severly lower market score- all invested interest and pre-order money is lost, completly wasted. This causes extreme anxiety amongst the community, frustration, manic depression, and in some very serious cases delusion- wherein the afflicted convince themselves a game they preordered for 65 dollars is infact, not as shitty as it actually is (the negative effects of beliving shitty games are good are longlasting and too numerous to list here).

We would propose a muzzle order be placed on all developers, requiring any pre-release information be strictly controlled by marketing departments in question.

Mr Speaker, the Member for the regulation for Epic would question why so much money is being wasted on elaborate and flashy doom castles, with obligatory lava pit and stained glass windows, when even basic structural and ethical codes are failing to be met.

We have here, on record;

- Over 20 cases of an unsecured 'Self-Destruct' button being available to all who push it.
- Over 500 cases of wildlife rights violation
- Over 9000 cases of blatant disregard for staff safety
- More cases than can be recounted of unsafe wires and or sparking apparatus.

As this is quite frankly appalling we demand immediate explanations for why this is allowed to continue.

Mr. Chairman, the "Moar Halflife!" sub-comitte would like it to be known they're issuing an injunction against Valve, so they will quote "Hurry the fuck up with Episode 3 and forget about that zombie bullshit" unquote.

Mr Chairman, The honourable delegate Stompy wishes to raise the issue of the state of World War Two First Person Shooters on the market. This delegate feels that an inquiry must be launched to find the cause of this practice, and wishes that there ultimately be some sort of limit on the number of these entering the consumer's shelves. The constant repetition of the stale genre, or at least, the constant repetition of the D-day landings, means that many are flocking away from the honourable genre of First Person Shooters, and this is a worrying trend, to say the least.

Chairman, I feel we must broad the issue we're all thinking about but no one wants to talk about.

EA DRM.

Who wants to start?

TsunamiWombat:
Chairman, I feel we must broad the issue we're all thinking about but no one wants to talk about.

EA DRM.

Who wants to start?

I thank you, honourable delegate TsunamiWombat, you took the words right out of my mouth.

I would like to start off with the inherent danger this poses to the video games industry, as a whole. DRM is poised to drive away many legitimate customers from paying for the game, meaning that developers will lose money. This new technology is fuelling the resolve of many gamers, who, in spite of wishing to compensate the developer for their product, are being driven away by the taking away of their rights as a consumer.

Furthermore, the issue of piracy is being used as a scapegoat in order to fulfil the publishers' true intentions: to stamp out the second-hand market for PC games. Many developers are not admitting to this, yet it is an issue nevertheless. While many can sympathise for the plight of the developers and publishers in this issue, all sympathy is lost in light of the many problems to the consumer caused by DRM.

Mr Chairman, this issue needs to be resolved, and as soon as possible. Is there one among us who has a motion they would like to be passed, but is in need of a seconder?

Honorable chairman, I The Ghost represent the horror genre and ask for you to please do your best to clean up the excessive boxes of ammunition that litter our realm. We also request that you deport all of the badass super soldier characters from our realm back to FPSville where they belong.

Seconded. Monstrous creeps aren't that scary the second you realize a single shotgun blast puts 'em down, no matter how realistic and terrifying their howls. Recommend that the spare ammunition be used by the truly terrifying creeps to execute the shitty ones Jericho and the like have tried to bring with them.

Honourable Chairman, I would like to propose advanced safety-locking mechanisms on all of our superweapons, without which will surely be turned against us in a cutscene.

To follow that I would like increased expenditure to purchase more super rare ammo for the super rare gun you get just to kill the last boss- your 'Egon' guns from Halflife and so forth. It's so rare we never actually get to enjoy using the damn gun.

I also request that Count Dracula stop hiding meat in his candelabra's and stone masonry.

Mr Chairman, one feels one must speak for the characters populating game worlds:

- a suspicious amount of beings find themselves 'controlled' by something known as a 'gamer', where they are forced to do acts of incredible violence against their fellow man/demon/animal/alien without any say in the matter.

- these 'controlled' beings can usually be identified just prior to their violation due to their recent migration to mars, their presence on a plane crashing in the ocean, their village being destroyed, or their existence as the last of their race or family.

Mr Chairman, to combat the 'playing' of these 'controlled' beings I propose we halt all space and air travel, fortify our villages, and promote families and races to increase their birth rates while at the same time educating them on how to avoid destruction of all but one of their members.

Also, to combat being 'controlled', I propose we wear tinfoil hats.

Mr. Chairman, as a representative of the Union of Battlefield Commanders I wish to bring to your attention the severe lack of funding and supplies given to our members when undertaking tasks.

Our members are usually given either a heavily damaged base lacking certain construction facilities (almost everytime lacking the ability to construct more facilities) as well as a small task force and a small helping of funds, or are given a mobile construction vehicle and enough funds to get together a vehicle capable of gathering nearby supplies. Yet, should those supplies be inaccessable for any reason (loss of gatherers without ability to purchase more, supply shortages or enemy occupation etc.), no effort is made by Central Command to assist the commander in any form.

This is a glaring problem that needs to be rectified. Many commanders have had their men needlessly slaughtered because of Central Command's stinginess.

Milord Chairman.
I've recently returned from Persia and noted a series of convinient flagpoles, stalactites, beams and platforms that seem to encouraging youths to take up the dangerous sport known as Parkour. Having blank walls with no platforms would surely discourage the youth from running around on the walls. One hears even the young prince has taken a fancy to the sport. Angsty loudmouth jerk.

Mr. Chairman:

I would also like to point out the gross over supply of crates we have in storage. In fact they seem to be over flowing into the halls, out on the sidewalks, into the waiting areas and the like. We have crates literally coming out of our ears. What are we to do with all these crates?

stompy:

TsunamiWombat:
Chairman, I feel we must broad the issue we're all thinking about but no one wants to talk about.

EA DRM.

Who wants to start?

I thank you, honourable delegate TsunamiWombat, you took the words right out of my mouth.

I would like to start off with the inherent danger this poses to the video games industry, as a whole. DRM is poised to drive away many legitimate customers from paying for the game, meaning that developers will lose money. This new technology is fuelling the resolve of many gamers, who, in spite of wishing to compensate the developer for their product, are being driven away by the taking away of their rights as a consumer.

Furthermore, the issue of piracy is being used as a scapegoat in order to fulfil the publishers' true intentions: to stamp out the second-hand market for PC games. Many developers are not admitting to this, yet it is an issue nevertheless. While many can sympathise for the plight of the developers and publishers in this issue, all sympathy is lost in light of the many problems to the consumer caused by DRM.

Mr Chairman, this issue needs to be resolved, and as soon as possible. Is there one among us who has a motion they would like to be passed, but is in need of a seconder?

I second most heartily.

Chairman, why the HELL do I get hurt when I touch the side of spike traps? Wouldn't it be more logical if I jumped on them and got hurt?

Sort that shit out!

Mr. Chairman, I file complaint on behalf of the Standard Model of Physics for violation of the Law of Conservation of Mass and/or Energy. In many explosions be they due to grenades, large weaponry, uncanny system failures or Reactor Catastrophes, the predicate fallout, explosive debris, heat and various other remains simply do not exist, or fade into nothing! This has caused a large number of complaints in the Salvaging Industry thereafter heated exchanges and battles in the Space, and the Federation hopes you will resolve it immediately.

The Ghost:
Honorable chairman, I The Ghost represent the horror genre and ask for you to please do your best to clean up the excessive boxes of ammunition that litter our realm. We also request that you deport all of the badass super soldier characters from our realm back to FPSville where they belong.

I second this measure put forth.

Anarchemitis:
Mr. Chairman, I file complaint on behalf of the Standard Model of Physics for violation of the Law of Conservation of Mass and/or Energy. In many explosions be they due to grenades, large weaponry, uncanny system failures or Reactor Catastrophes, the predicate fallout, explosive debris, heat and various other remains simply do not exist, or fade into nothing! This has caused a large number of complaints in the Salvaging Industry thereafter heated exchanges and battles in the Space, and the Federation hopes you will resolve it immediately.

ARE YOU INSANE!? Have you any idea how much EPA would be on our ass if it were any different?

Regarding the Rocket Fuel issue - I propose that all guns stop using Tracer Rounds. Clearly rocket fuel exploding because it is being shot at, doesn't make any sense, and the last time I check - we had a surplus of JHP and FMJ bullets, but a shortage of Tracer and Incendiary rounds.

Mr. Chairman, My Platform and Adventure gaming sub-committee noticed a recent trend in video games, illegal "shrooms" and "power-ups" have become too easy to obtain, and are sometimes laying in abundance around a room. I think that it is obligatory that the committee revolt against this injustice as it leads not only to the user gaining a sense of immortality only to get into a big heaping pile of trouble when the "power-up" high ends, and can lead to the deaths of several young "protagonists."

This is absolutely unacceptable Mr. Chairman, help us help them.

Highlord Chairman.
I represent the committee for safe driving, and I propose that our cars be fortified so a small engine fire or the act of rolling a car on it's hood does not cause said car to explode in a ball of fire reminiscent of 80s action movies or a Ford Pinto which was rear-ended at a speed over 5 MPH.

Dear Mr. Chairman,

My sincerest apologies for not reading all of the previously answered questions, but I have an essay to write, so I must make this brief.

As horrible as many game-based movies are, the elegance of gaming stories has been increasing, and with it, the chance that game stories will be successfully translated into film form. It is unfortunate that the history has not given us much hope.

My question is: Does the board support the endeavors of filmmakers in their attempts, as pitiful as they often are, to bring our most beloved of games onto the so called "Silver-screen?" Or does the board reject them wholeheartedly?

Any official position the board is willing to give will be most appreciated.

Sincerely,
Representative "MstrSwrd" of Gamers United (Uniting gamers of all classes, races, religions, genders, etc, into one. No separation between gamers!)