Hey stud, Mario is giving your lady more pleasure than you are. Doritos says so.
Like a nacho cheese-flavored Richard Dawson, Doritos recently polled 2,052 people and discovered that the ladies apparently prefer game time over sexy time.
The survey of 2,052 people was commissioned by Doritos and found that 49 per cent of women play online games, almost matching the 50 per cent of men that game online.
Of these female online gamers, 84 per cent said they enjoy their gaming sessions, compared to just 70 per cent who enjoy sex. 62 per cent enjoy working out, 71 per cent enjoy shopping and 75 per cent enjoy having a bath.
Additionally, the survey found that of the average 3.5 hours the participants spent online each week, those of the feminine persuausion dedicated 23.1 percent of their time to interactive gaming, while the burly male types found themselves gaming only 22.3 percent of the time.
Alright, look, I'm going to level with you guys: Even forgetting that this survey was conducted by a company most famous for clogging keyboards worldwide with greasy orange dust, this entire thing is meaningless.
84 percent of women enjoy gaming, while only 70 percent enjoy sex? I don't see a correlation between the two data points. I see an entertainment industry segment designed to be, at best, wildly entertaining (and at worst, completely inoffensive) succeeding at its goal, while the act of male/female coitus is exactly as awkward, baffling and confusingly unerotic as it has been since Adam first asked Eve if she wanted to see his "snake."
Of course, a headline like "games are rad, sex is pretty confusing for most people" wouldn't do much for the Doritos PR wonks, so the company explicitly focused on the most salacious data point it could find.
Remember kids: Sex sells, but questioning the virility of your stupid male audience will have you swimming through a Scrooge McDuckian money vault by the end of the week.