A 22-year-old Florida woman has been arrested for assaulting an elderly man. Her rationale? Vampirism.
Before I get into the pertinent details of this case, I would like to take a moment to urge you all to again read that headline. I realize you're likely reading this article, hoping that I'm somehow obfuscating the truth to generate pageviews, but no, dear reader, I'm being totally straight with you all. That headline is exactly what happened.
The Smoking Gun reports:
Josephine Smith, 22, was arrested today and charged with felony aggravated battery on an elderly person.
"I'm a vampire, I am going to eat you," Smith announced before allegedly attacking Milton Ellis, according to an arrest affidavit.
Ellis, 69, received stitches to close up wounds suffered during the assault, which occurred in front of a vacant Hooters in St. Petersburg. Cops says Ellis, who uses a motorized wheelchair, was asleep when Smith pounced on him, commenced biting, and announced that she was a vampire.
Ellis survived the assault, despite major, bloody facial wounds, and made his way to a nearby gas station to phone the authorities. On arrival, the arresting officers found Smith near the scene of the attack covered in blood, sans pants and with her panties around her ankles.
Understandably curious about this whole thing, the officers questioned Smith, but she was unable to explain the attack or why she was partially au naturel.
I'd like to posit the idea that there may be more going on here than it seems. This is speculation, mind you, but at this point, what else do we have to work with?
Smith is a 22-year-old college student with no apparent criminal history. Ellis has been described by police as "a transient" who has 12 arrests over the last four years for things like disorderly intoxication and battery.
I think you can all see where I'm going with this. Obviously Josephine Smith is a child of the night inflicting her demonic bloodlust on the innocent in a quest to build an unstoppable undead army and/or raise Dracula from the dead.
Likewise, Ellis may or may not be a descendent of the Belmont clan. Honestly, I haven't worked that part out.