News

Taco News - The iPhone X Only Works for Beautiful People

| 10 Oct 2017 19:00
The X is a sign of Roman masculine aggression and is problematic towards People of Color.

The iPhone X made headlines in September when it was revealed with one of the prominent features being able to unlock your phone with your face. New information coming from Apple today shows that the company has focused this phone's demographics on beautiful people and have made their product unavailable to those lower on the beauty scale.

"We bought out sites like hotness.ai and Pretty Scale to help integrate the phone's hardware with conventional beauty standards. We're not ready to reveal how hot you have to be in order to use the phone but let's just say it will definitely be a product for the upper echelon of society. This kind of innovation only comes once in a lifetime and I'm proud to have been that kind of leader for the people of today," said Apple CEO Tim Cook.

Users who fail to meet this beauty standard will be locked out of the phone, taken by Apple's Beauty Gestapo and forced to mine for rare earth elements used by the phone. Not only would people of certain attractiveness be unable to use the phone but the phone would also react to changes on the user's face.

"If someone broke out in acne, there would be links for pimple cream the next time they pull up the Safari app. The phone not only wants the best but it wants to maintain perfection. The phone acts like a clique of high school girls from a bad 1980's high school film and I couldn't be happier with that. Everyone likes to feel better about themselves by belittling those around them, it's what Steve would have wanted."

"While some would say this is alienating customers, we don't want customers that scare children. If God decided your face was unable to unlock a phone then it's not my place to judge... I can mock you publicly in front of millions, but I won't judge," said Cook.

While the commitment to having attractive users is admirable, it still lacks being able to judge a person based on personality. Hopefully this will be patched with iOS 12.

RELATED CONTENT
Comments on