MovieBob - Intermission
Please, Film These Games!

Bob Chipman | 18 Jun 2010 12:00
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Gears of War: I'm not a big GoW fan. They're alright, and I'm glad they aren't in first-person. That's about it. But, it's got a somewhat-nifty look and it's probably something you can wrench 90 minutes of action out of. Its hyperbolic macho routine is a bit grating, though - that's an issue. Maybe it would benefit from a "this is essentially parody" approach, like Paul Verhoeven used with great effect in Robocop and Starship Troopers. And Mickey Rourke would likely make an above-average Marcus ... I can't imagine any other actor of that type who'd be likely to get the joke and make it work.

Street Fighter & Mortal Kombat: No, I don't mean as one movie. I mean these two franchises plus all the hundreds upon hundreds of "tournament fighter" games they spawned.

There's no excuse whatsoever for games centered around fighting tournaments to have all sucked - the history of the martial arts genre has been a history of refining tournament stories to a can't-miss formula. Enter the Dragon, Master of the Flying Guillotine, Duel to the Death ... and those are just the famous ones.

The tournament premise gives you everything you need, right up front. You don't need to explain why all these colorful fighters are in one place: "They're here for the tournament." You can spend as much or as little time setting up characterization, because you don't need to bend the plot into knots when you need an action sequence: Just bang-the-gong and "okay, now you two fight!" It's like setting a musical on Broadway - half the work is already done.

Bayonetta: Actually, this one I can compromise on: If a casting agency finds a woman that actually looks like this, I don't need the movie ...

Chrono Trigger: What is, for my money, the best "traditional" JRPG I've ever played deserves at least consideration in these matters. It's a fantasy story, and a time-travel story. It's got dinosaurs, robots, frogs with swords, flying cities, The Apocalypse and a switch-hitting cavegirl. Yes, it'd probably cost something like the gross domestic product of Cuba to actually film ... but a boy can dream, can't he?

Mass Effect: On the plus side: richly-detailed science fiction world, unique alien races and a pre-justified reason to cast ANY actor or actress as Shephard you want without worrying if he/she "looks like the game." On the minus side: might be redundant if you don't get it made before somebody reboots Babylon 5.

Final Fight:: Objectively, even without the "based on a game" angle to back it up, this is a sale-able pitch on it's own merits: A former pro-wrestler becomes mayor of a crime-ridden city, local gangs kidnap his daughter, the guy teams up with her boyfriend and his conveniently black-belted best buddy to go get her. There, that's a movie. Also, onetime MMA star Don Frye is an actor now, and he's a dead ringer for Mike Haggar.

Kingdom Hearts: Evidently, the reason this isn't already a movie is that Disney and Squaresoft both decided they finally had exactly enough money.

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