MovieBob - Intermission
Ten Movies That Will Never Be

Bob Chipman | 2 Sep 2011 12:00
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In Hollywood-speak, a "pitch" is a short summary of a proposed movie - the idea being to lay out the basic story in a manner that will make the studio want to invest money in making it. For example, the pitch for the classic Back to The Future might've gone like this: "A teenaged guy time-travels to the 1950s and meets his parents when they were his age. In a shocking twist, he learns that his presence has changed history so that they never fell in love - a mistake he must repair or risk negating his own existence!" Of course, it doesn't always go like that; the pitch for the latest Pirates of The Caribbean sequel was probably closer to: "Holy crap, gang! Who's ready to make another billion dollars without expending a shred of creative effort!? Johnny said yes to another one!"

Anyway, just for kicks, here's quick ten pitches for movies that - for one reason or another - I feel pretty confident Hollywood won't be giving the green light any time soon:

"A young man (or woman) of African-American descent living in the segregated South in the early 1960s joins the burgeoning Civil Rights movement, embarking on a life-changing journey during one of the most tumultuous and triumphant periods in recent American history. Amazingly, they do so entirely of their own volition - needing neither the excessive evil of a singular white villain or the enlightened nudging of a white savior/mentor to spur them to action."

"A portrait of a young gay man making his way through his life and career in the early 21st Century. In a shocking twist, he is not employed in the fashion or music industry, has a best friend who is not a high-strung narcissistic young woman who regards him as a "girlfriend," has a healthy relationship with his parents, and has many, many conversations involving topics other than body issues, workout regimens, trendy foods, clothes shopping and other things that heterosexual movie writers assume are all that gay people talk about."

"A poor citizen of a small, war-torn nation rises up to fight against the forces of chaos in the region; hoping to bring some semblance of order for his family, friends and country. He does this without seeking or receiving help from a visiting American hero - in fact, there are no Americans are involved on either side, nor does anyone mention Americans or offer up any strong opinions "for" or "against" America ... it is possible that this is due to America not being the center of everyone's universe."

"An angry, directionless young man rebels against the stifling conformity of his comfortable upper-middle-class suburban existence by aligning himself with an anarchic/underground art/music/sport culture that includes acts of petty public nuisance. He is arrested and sent to prison where - in a shocking twist - he meets many people who've faced actual hardships and lived truly dangerous lives, which shames him into realizing how lucky his spoiled, entitled ass has been the whole time."

"A brilliant scientist is conducting a radical experiment that brazenly defies societal taboos and moral boundaries. Some say he is a genius ... others say he will bring ruin by tampering in God's Domain! As the minutes count down and results are unveiled ... it turns out that the 'tampering in God's domain' folks were 100% wrong! He was right, the experiment was a success and the results will help untold millions of people and make the world a far better place."

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