As everyone knows, comics are awesome. If you don't know this, you do now. Another thing you should know is that I'll be reviewing these comics, which means that they will be rated in one category and one category alone: awesome. Yes, story and all those other extras they keep putting into the comics I read are important or whatever, but not as important as how badass the people are, how big the explosions are, and how much stuff comes out of a guy when he's punched. I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Let's do this."
Aliens vs. Predator: Three World War #1 is cool. Really cool. But you could tell that by looking at the cover:
Yeah, that's a Predator holding Aliens on chains. Take a moment to let that one really sink in. Aliens. Like hunting dogs. Actually, let's take a closer look:
Ok, now that we're all on the same page, let's think on that for a moment. Do you remember the tagline from the Aliens vs. Predator movie? It was, I believe, "Whoever wins... We lose." Ok, fair enough, I can accept being at the bottom of the food chain as long as the guys at the top are ripping each others' spines out.
But now they're not. Now they're working together. So the tagline is more like, "Whoever wins... oh shit." Those odds aren't the kind I like, because we won't even get the chance to see acid blood shooting all over the walls and those gross Predator faces laughing as they turn themselves and everything in a quarter-mile radius into nuclear ash.
That said, of all the things to be killed by, acid-blooded, nigh-brainless killing machines attached by chains to intelligent, invisible, spine-tearing killing machines is pretty high on my list. It's right below exploding dinosaurs, in fact, and right above eating buffalo wings until my blood catches on fire.
Now that we've established just how awesome this is, let's critically examine a couple bits from the comic, right after these bad dudes land on some mining planet:
As cool as it looks, if I saw that thing coming out of a spaceship, the first thing I would do is
Yeah, something like that.
In retrospect, the first thing I would do is not be on a planet where Aliens are. Naturally, I'd be in space, watching the whole thing through a telescope, because in my imagination telescopes are powerful enough to see things like this from space.
In order to combat such wanton badassery, the Colonial Marines turn to Machiko Noguchi, a woman so good at killing things that she was made an honorary Predator. I, too, am an honorary Predator, and let me tell you: it is not an easy thing to become. Just finding the Predators in the first place is tough enough without a spaceship.
Without giving too much away, Machiko is forced to make a difficult decision - stay on her ranch and continue to show rich old people how to hunt antelozebras (I'm not allowed to show you an image of these, so you'll just have to buy it to find out what these things look like. You could use your imagination, but it probably won't be as good.) or follow her instincts and kill the most awesome things to ever walk/crawl their way onto a human corpse.
If you love Aliens, and you love Predators, and you love Aliens and Predators, then you'll love Aliens vs. Predator: Three World War #1. If you don't love those things, though, you're a heartless monster.
On second thought, I'm not even so sure about those exploding dinosaurs:
3 heads exploded
9 living things died
Go here if you want to find out more about how to fight off both Aliens and Predators. I'll be cheering you on from space.
Andy Rose may be a monster, but at least he has a heart.