LoveFAQ is a weekly advice column for geeks, by geeks about love, life and maxing out your romance meter. Got questions for LoveFAQs? Send them to [email protected].
Dear Love FAQ,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year. Recently we drank together. We have done so before, but I suppose she had never seen me become that intoxicated. The next day, she told me she found it very unattractive, and now I feel like she doesn't look at me the same way anymore.
I'm not insecure, but our physical relationship has never been the greatest, and we didn't start doing anything until eight months into the relationship. Now I feel like this will only hurt it further.
What should I do?
Failed My Save vs. Poison
Dear Save vs. Poison
You say "we drank together", as if imbibing alcohol was somehow unusual, and not an activity in which normal, well-adjusted adults indulge all the time. (Note: I'm assuming here, of course, that you are both of legal age.)
But people drink. It's nothing to be ashamed of or apologize for. So don't.
Everybody gets stupid-drunk sometimes. It's not a big deal, unless you're behind the wheel of a car or hurting yourself or others. From your letter, however, it doesn't sound like you posed much threat to anyone - just to your pride and sense of self-dignity.
Your girlfriend obviously has issues about alcohol; maybe she grew up with an alcoholic family member, or maybe she grew up in a religious household with little exposure to drink. Be sensitive to that, of course, and feel free to help her confront her fears, should she ask for your assistance. But don't let her make you feel guilty for what are essentially her issues, not yours.
What concerns me more is the fact that your girlfriend apparently uses sex as a means of controlling your behavior. Taking it slow is one thing, but you shouldn't have to worry that, because you got drunk once, you two will never have sex again. (Jeez, God forbid you ever fart or burp or accidentally cough in her mouth.)
People get gross, they get ugly - and yes, they get drunk - but love is about accepting all sides of a person, even the part that drinks too much Yeager and maybe starts cursing out houseplants in ancient Icelandic.
Sex shouldn't be a reward for good behavior, or an achievement that unlocks once you've invested enough hours into the relationship. It should be joyous. It should be fun. So with that in mind, you might be better off finding someone you have genuine chemistry with, who can't keep her hands off you, no matter how much of a skítkarl your ficus can be.
Dear Love FAQ,
One of my best friends has fallen in love with me. However, I have no interest in her. And every time I say this she breaks down and cries. She knows that I'm pansexual, so every time I hug or otherwise touch someone, she'll give that person the evil eye, even if it's someone she knows I have no interest in.