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Serial Mauler on the Loose Says Wii Owner
The Ohio State police warn residents of the Hillcrest community to be on the lookout for a deceptively cute kitten thought to have been involved in an attack on an area Wii owner. The kitten answers to the name "Blossom."
The Hillcrest police department issued the following warning, "Over the years, this community has been shaken to its core by a series of brutal attacks that has left at least one knitter without feeling in her toes, and another man blind after putting on some of those novelty googly-eye glasses. This may seem like your average kitten, but there's some DNA evidence that closely ties the kitten to the brutal slayings of two families in the late 90s."
Local police also suspect Blossom was responsible for another Wii incident (Wiicident) in 2007. A local resident, William Jones, was attacked while playing Super Mario Galaxy by a cat fitting Blossom's description. The attack left Jones' face badly scarred, though he managed to escape by luring his attacker into the bathroom with a bit of twine. Amazingly, the kitten escaped after learning how to turn the latch on the door.
Residents should take caution to steer clear of cute, seemingly helpless animals, and at all costs avoid wearing clothes with tassels, fringe and other forms of decorative cording.