Special Attack

Special Attack
Marital Problems

Mur Lafferty | 29 Mar 2012 17:00
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I'm having marital problems.

I don't know if it's the difference in religions (he was reluctant to get married in my church), or the difference in race, but it's not going well. Maybe he wanted children. Maybe it's because I asked that we move into one of my houses.

I can't hide the fact that I'm wealthy and have five houses and he lives in a tent. And I admit I never paid him for his help when he spent some time with me on projects, which was when we fell in love. He never asked!

The worst part is going to be telling my bigoted parents they were right. While wood elves and Argonians may be able to make a marriage work, this wood elf and Argonian certainly can't.

It was magical when I put on that amulet of Mara. He noticed it and complimented it, then the whirlwind romance consisted of him saying he like-liked me, and me proposing marriage, and him being delighted. Then we hung out in Riften for a day. I wasn't going to be a runaway bride, no-siree.

I admit, I did go hang out in the pub in hopes to trigger "A Night To Remember," as that sounds like the perfect bachelorette party, but nothing happened except I drank some Nord mead, and Derkeethus followed me around anyway instead of doing his own end-of-single-life hurrah.

Derkeethus. The very name wounds me, strikes me to my heart.

I didn't ask him if Argonians had stag parties. There was so much I didn't ask him. I'm ashamed now. Although to be fair, he didn't ask about wood elf rituals, and I think I deserve some serious props for not adhering to the wood elf tradition of filling an inn room with four strapping young high elves, seventeen cabbages, ale, and mammoth cheese, and seeing what happens.

Argonians hate mammoth cheese. He would not have approved.

So nothing happened that night. The next morning, we went to the temple and, with a casual aside of how he never thought he'd be getting married at the temple of Mara, my love and I were joined by the priest.

After which Derkeethus turned around and left.

I was confused. Had I done something offensive? Did he have second thoughts, and if so, why didn't he say something before the knot was tied?

Perhaps he went home, although we hadn't yet decided where we were going to live. I spent weeks going from Riften to Solitude, stopping in every home and yelling out his name. Only my housecarls answered.

And seriously. It seems being a Thane only gets you someone to sit in your house and eat your food and challenge you when you come home. I swear Jordis the Sword-Maiden has Risky Business-like parties when I'm not home. I come home and there are bottles on the floor and half-eaten slaughterfish on the table, and she's all like, "Oh my Thane, I didn't expect you home, I'm, uh, your sword and shield, and your burdens are carried, and all that." Then I look on my mantle and see my crystal egg is cracked.

Anyway. I got Ilona (She doesn't have a title, so I amused myself by calling her Ilona the Wossname. She didn't seem to mind) as backup and went hunting for Derkeethus. I felt I was owed some answers.

Finally, after checking all my homes, I went back to Darkwater Crossing and found him there, proudly standing by his tent. In tears, I rushed to him, and he gave me 100 gold and a pie.

I was crushed. I felt like a whore. He might as well have left it on the dresser.

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