Special Attack

Special Attack
Serial Monogamy

Mur Lafferty | 25 May 2012 18:32
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I've been feeling lost and sad lately. Lonely.

I got to a point in Skyrim where I finished the main quest, and then finished the Civil War quests. And suddenly Ulfric Stormcloak was all, "Good work," and I was all, "That's it?" And he was all, "Go slay some giants to or something. Collect mammoth cheese. Everyone loves mammoth cheese." And I was all, "Dude, do you know how long it takes to get mammoth cheese smell out of your dragon scale armor?"

I know I could have kept up with my assassin's guild quests. There are more people in Skyrim who have to die, you know. I could hunt down everyone who was ever rude to me. Or I could work on my enchanting and make more magical dragon bone and scale armor that no one in Skyrim can afford. I could work on being a werewolf or vampire. But... I deflated. The game was dead to me. Bored, now.

We went to the beach on vacation with friends, and these friends had a toddler, so we left Skyrim at home and brought only non-bloody games. That's when I fell in fast rebound-love with Portal 2. I had finished Portal a couple of months ago (yeah, I know, leave me alone, I'm a late adopter sometimes) and was eager to play the "new" one. I fell in love, naturally, and powered through. Ending that game on vacation left me in a malaise. Even my kid was sad, and all she did was watch and cheer me on.

So while I was still humming "I Just Want You Gone," I pulled out Mass Effect 2. As I was once greatly in love with Dragon Age, and to a lesser extent, Dragon Age 2, I was eager to try this "Part 1 isn't available on PS3" game. Since I'm pretty horrible at first person shooters, let me tell you how I saw the game.

I'm Shepherd. I'm dead. A company that I don't like so much spent a great deal of money and influence to bring me back because of am the most fucktastic soldier in the whole universe. But you see, the joke is on them, as I turn out to be mighty in the way that Barney Fife is mighty, running around, waving my gun, shooting at walls, trying to levitate my enemies in the air while my friends pick them off.

Actually that show would have been much better with levitation.

I found myself giggling madly, thinking of the resources they wasted to bring me back. I wondered if there would be a "Hah ha, joke's on you!" plotline. But honestly, I'm terrible at the game, and I lost interest. Which sucks cause I just bought Mass Effect 3 on sale just to find out what the hubbub was all about. I'll probably pick it up again to see if I can power through, but there's no passion there. We'll have coffee as friends, me and Mass Effect, but that's probably it.

Then I heard about my old flame, Diablo, coming back to town. I spruced up my place, deleted several gigs of files, put on my pretty dress, and waited for him to come knocking.

So you know most of the story- blah blah DRM blah blah why the fuck do I need a server for a single player game blah blah Blizzard of all people should be prepared for a server hit blah blah can't play the stupid game. We all know the arguments; they were there when Starcraft II came out, and will be there when the next game comes out, so long as Blizzard keeps doing it. People hate it, but they keep buying the games regardless.

It reminds me of the people who bought $400 iPods seven years ago, then when the battery died, they posted angrily about it online, and went out and bought another $400 iPod just to show Apple.

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