“Most of the strippers I knew would not walk around in public dressed that way,” says Athena about The Saints.
You probably remember that whacked-out Hitman: Absolution trailer featuring leather-clad pseudo-nuns The Saints – the one that IO Interactive later had to apologize for – and no doubt you wondered at the time what a real stripper would make of it all. As you do. Anyway, Athena (not even vaguely her real name), former stripper, has given her verdict. “What kind of Christians are they?” Athena wondered. “Republicans?”
“Most of the strippers I knew would not walk around in public dressed that way,” she goes on to say. “I don’t know why they would keep on their stiletto heels unless they were planning on stabbing someone with them,” she adds. “That’s not very practical.”
“If stiletto platforms gave you the advantage in warfare, how come our Marines and Navy SEALs don’t wear them?”
That would make a hell of a movie, to be honest; SEALS in heels and leather dresses assaulting, well, pretty much anything. It doesn’t have to be a long movie, mind you; the gag would probably wear thin pretty quickly.
Or take this other idea, also from Athena: “You never see male assassins in a thong with dollar bills hanging out.” Maybe we should. That could be Schwarzenegger’s comeback role.
Athena, as might have been expected, didn’t enjoy The Saints all that much. “It just looks like violence porn to me,” she said, “and I’m concerned about the minds of men who would come up with a game like this.” At the time the trailer controversy broke out, IO Interactive claimed it hadn’t been trying to offend people and was surprised it turned into a huge topic, which, as excuses go, ranks right up there with ‘the dog ate my homework’.
For better or worse, Hitman: Absolution is out now. It’s been rated Aquamarine by the Clueless Gamer, for what that’s worth. He also found the game pretty silly.