Zero Punctuation: Split Second: Velocity

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I find your lack of starcraft 2 disturbing....

Achievement unlocked: Star Worded - Star Wars reference + humour

Note to self: Dont buy this game.

Yahtzee's mum can give me a ride to the corner market anytime if we get to enjoy massive, property destroying 'splosions and mayhem on the way.

And the Thatcher joke made me laugh, the timing on that line's delivery was spot on.

I hate to break it to Mr. Croshaw, but he just reviewed Mario Kart.

Mirror Tits.

Can someone get a picture of that? :D

Sir John the Net Knight:
I hate to break it to Mr. Croshaw, but he just reviewed Mario Kart.

If you replace "Shipping Crate" with "Blue Shell", you have a point!

Just throwing out my opinion.

Racing games never caught my fancy, there's so little ways to vary it and keep the game from being repetitive that they are rarely done well.

The Need for Speed games kept their business with the ability to customize and tune your vehicle, giving you a feeling of satisfaction and pride when you see your crayon scribbled on vehicle with all the engine upgrades easily beat your npc opponents. That and of course the god awful movies that all kept the same name as some pricks idea of good marketing, it all ended up looking like some terrible inbred family tree, each and ever one having at least one deformity that made them hideously second rate in whatever genre competition they entered in.

Then there are games that try to mix it up a bit, like Burn Out, where you do a Evil Knievel like stunt to crash your vehicle in a way to rack up as much casualty damage as possible. Or the classic, combat(stroke)racing games, where gatling guns spawn from the sides of your car and the back hood pops open to launch off a spray of small lemon sized heat seeking missiles. Almost all of which controls end up being a bit awkward and difficult to control while driving a good 90 down a bendy road. Some to better then others, but in the end they all end up focusing more on how big a caliber weapon you can ducktape to your hood then the actual racing aspect.


I will keep posting this until I see a review on it.

Yahtzee, you should play Rule of Rose.

From what I've heard, everybody who played this game (as in, not given it a try, but actually played) thinks that it's a good one, but runs out of fresh stuff to explode in an instant. Fun while it lasts.

... so wait, did you like it?

No, not particularly.

I wanna see Yahtzee review a game he hates and make it sound really good. Like those other gaming sites that get paid to give good reviews.

Yahtzee sounds really weird in my speakers I have to turn the sound up pretty high too.

"Split-stroke-Second?" I thought you lot said, "Split-oblique-Second" when confronted with a '/' like that.

Don't worry about touching the game, even without that we'll always remember you as the prickiest prick who ever pricked.

Actually Yahtzee.

Wow, it took 4 seconds for yahtzee to make a dick joke. This must be some kind of record.


... so wait, did you like it?

No, not particularly.

oh okay.

Very funny review. I see this becoming the norm after the apocalypse happens lol.

By the way, when are you going to review Starcraft 2?


Undead Dragon King:
I really expected nothing more from Disney. Goddammit I hate that conglomerate.

That fetus joke was solid gold though.

Remember that Pixar is part of that conglomerate. Tred carefully. >(

Pixar is yet another reason why I hate Disney. The giant corporate octopus ran out of good ideas for it's movies, so they subsumed a company that made great films. Yes, I realize that Pixar had had a close relationship with Disney all along, but it's the principle of the thing. Disney's conquest of ESPN and ABC strikes a similar chord with me, even if it didn't involve the relationship that Pixar had with Disney.

What the hell! Probation? all I did was post the number1 to save my spot so I could come back after I watched it and edit my message. Was that so wrong? O and I got 7 days for it!?! what a load of crap.
OT: I liked your review as usual.

ery simply the rules of the message board are to contribute to the discussion. It's not the Moderator's fault that you decided to watch the content after posting nor could they do that. They frown on useless posts. So yes, it was wrong.

I liked the review, and it's very true what he said about the repetition. I had the traps memorized at one point, it was all too hit-and-miss

The game kinda reminds me of "DEATH TRACK"


As do many games... I miss that game.

Really enjoyed that episode... not sure why as it wasn't as side-splittingly (or should I say "side/splitting") funny as many other an episode.

"Yep, life was tough in thatchers Britain" LMAO

Yahtzee Croshaw:
You probably get your jollies by buying two poverty-stricken pregnant women and telling them that neither are getting out of the arena alive until one has eaten the other's fetus.

And with that, Yahtzee cements this episode as one of my favorites.

Is this the first racing game he's reviewed?

i guess starcraft 2 can continue sucking it

John McLane + Dick Dastardly = WIN

Yahtzee, it makes you feel like a prick because you are a prick. Don't take it the wrong way, though, that's the majority of what makes you entertaining in ZP.

I feel Yahtzee's pain with this game. You reach excessive boredom quite quickly when you realize you're playing the same tracks over and over.

My biggest hassle though was how loud the game is. Sure, you can turn it down, but its just constant noise pollution.

I must admit I thoroughly enjoyed the bit about the hyphen and the slash since I am a bit of a grammar nazi myself.

Ehh @ Racing games. Never really liked them. I still consider Mario Kart to be the best. Which says a great deal about my opinion of racing games, now doesn't it?

Pregnant women eating fetas'

oh yahtzee, you dont disappoint

however, in case it was the pc version you were reviewing, you forgot something kinda important, the return of SplitScreen multiplayer on pc gaming

however, I find it to be real fun, especially blowing the car in front of me into shit right in the finish line so I get first ^.^

Yahtzee Croshaw:
Split Second: Velocity

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Split/Second: Velocity

Watch Video

I Absolutely agree in almost everything, might i suggest you to try playing Blur...XD

it is fun, has some basic troglodyte strategy, but that's it.

Haven't I already heard this review somewhere...?
*grumble* In every game magazine known to exist *grumble*
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't reviews supposed to... you know, review and rate?
Perhaps I'm looking at this all the wrong way.
Zero Punctuation is a parody critic, so I should expect the same reviews with a sarcastic and off color twist.
Sometimes I feel it would be even better if Yahtzee brought up points not generally discussed though.
Particularly annoying pieces of gameplay that most reviews cast a blind eye towards.

The Thatchers Britain comment had me on the floor.

Good stuff.

Dear Yahtzee,

WOULD YOU KINDLY call Jerry Bruckheimer and explain to him that i've already seen The Sorcerers Apprentice and found it a moderatley pleasurable distraction from an otherwise uneventful afternoon.

that is all.

"Yes, Life was tough in Thatcher's Britain"

This caught me by surprise and made me cough up the water I was drinking. Nearly made me choke but well worth if for the laugh!

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