North Korean Satellite is Best Satellite, Nothing Wrong, Very Excellent

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North Korean Satellite is Best Satellite, Nothing Wrong, Very Excellent

Last week, North Korea launched a multifunctional satellite despite widespread condemnation from world leaders; it now appears that their high-tech gambit is tumbling uselessly in orbit.

Last week, North Korea proudly launched the best-ever satellite. It's such a good satellite - you have no idea.

The launch was for scientific and peaceful purposes, for sure. World "leaders" from the United States and other "countries" condemned the launch as a front to test ballistic missile technology, which is just silly.

Kwangmyŏngsŏng-3 Unit 2, the best satellite, is filled with top-secret technology. Some might say it is "tumbling in orbit," but they clearly do not know optimal orbiting trajectories when they see them. And what's all this "utterly useless" talk? Sounds like the top-secret technology is working out pretty well.

Yoon Dong Hyun, who you know as the best vice director of the Ministry of the People's Armed Forces, said that comments like those from the West amounted to "nothing more than a puppy barking towards the moon." So eloquent!

Above, best of the best Kim Jong-un examines model rockets. "Should be bigger!" says the supreme leader.

Source: CNN

Permalink

that link doesn't work.... other than that I do enjoy the humor it's not like....

Clearly, NASA and Roscosmos have been made redundant on the face of Our Glorious Leader.

And then China states it has observed an alien spacecraft clumsily tumbling through our atmosphere. But it's ok because they neutralised it (shot it down) before it could do any harm to any of us. Whoo! Go China! They saved the world from those nasty invading aliens! Hang on...why is there a DPRK flag on the side??

Tsaba:
that link doesn't work....

Best link, excellent worker. (Fixed)

Kim: So, these are what we launch into space right?
Scientist: Not sir, these are models of what we launch into space.
Kim: I want to see our rockets lined up like this in a museum, not some models!
Scientist: But sir, we don't have any assembled right now and they're too large.
Kim: Guards! Feed this man to the sharks and find me a scientist who knows how to build rockets properly.

Man, this almost reads like Taco News. Honestly, considering we're talking about North Korea, that is probably appropriate.

This is one of the funniest articles I read here. Just thanks for that.

I had no idea Donald Trump was the head of the North Korean space agency!

Tsaba:
that link doesn't work

Our glorious links are as infallible as our glorious satellites!

Maybe they heard of Kessler Syndrom and sorta hoped this would do something?

North Korea would be absolutely hilarious but for the fact that its a real country with suffering people lorded over by a handful of morons.

Poor North Korea, they so badly want to be cool.

ravenshrike:
Kim: So, these are what we launch into space right?
Scientist: Not sir, these are models of what we launch into space.
Kim: I want to see our rockets lined up like this in a museum, not some models!
Scientist: But sir, we don't have any assembled right now and they're too large.
Kim: Guards! Feed this man to the sharks and find me a scientist who knows how to build rockets properly.

No, you've got it backwards. He is looking at the real rockets. Those launch videos were shot to make everything look larger.

The real satillite is actually only a few centimeters large.

Silentpony:
I had no idea Donald Trump was the head of the North Korean space agency!

I hate to say it, but Trump would probably run it better, at least once he turned the space center into a hotel and then sold it off.

As a side note, I always laugh when I read the phrase "world leaders have condemned..." or some variation thereof, to me it's basically them saying "We don't like what you did." People like Lil Kim don't give a flying hoot. Publicly condemning is the same as doing nothing at all.

To be honest- whether the satellite is rotating in orbit or not- is there really any surprise that a US official is reporting to CNN that a North Korean satellite is a failure?

Besides, if even the US is saying it's tumbling 'in orbit', then that's pretty much an admittance that it's reached an orbit, isn't it?

008Zulu:
As a side note, I always laugh when I read the phrase "world leaders have condemned..." or some variation thereof, to me it's basically them saying "We don't like what you did." People like Lil Kim don't give a flying hoot. Publicly condemning is the same as doing nothing at all.

Yeah, it's why we need to send a strike force into NK and put a bullet in the little pig's brain.

Well of course North Korea has the best satellite; they used unicorn magic to build it!

it now appears

The above quote should read "according to the news story I'm referencing from that was posted 8 days ago" (The news story linked in the article is from February 9th).

The Pentagon knew the satellite was tumbling in orbit almost immediately after launch, and released that information the same day.

I understand that this is a Gaming Newsmedia outlet, but if you're going to give us world news stories like this, at least post them in a timely manner so that the relevance isn't lost and don't try and cover that fact up with shoddy writing.

Squilookle:
To be honest- whether the satellite is rotating in orbit or not- is there really any surprise that a US official is reporting to CNN that a North Korean satellite is a failure?

Besides, if even the US is saying it's tumbling 'in orbit', then that's pretty much an admittance that it's reached an orbit, isn't it?

It doesn't really matter considering the satellite was probably like sputnik, which had only one function once it reached orbit and that was to beep until the power ran down. Well, that and to prove they could do it. Which, incidentally was nearly 60 years ago, so the Nk isn't exactly leading the power curve regardless.

Silentpony:
I had no idea Donald Trump was the head of the North Korean space agency!

That's an insult to North Korea. All Trump does is run things into the ground. At least NK got this thing up in the sky.

Dalisclock:

Squilookle:
To be honest- whether the satellite is rotating in orbit or not- is there really any surprise that a US official is reporting to CNN that a North Korean satellite is a failure?

Besides, if even the US is saying it's tumbling 'in orbit', then that's pretty much an admittance that it's reached an orbit, isn't it?

It doesn't really matter considering the satellite was probably like sputnik, which had only one function once it reached orbit and that was to beep until the power ran down. Well, that and to prove they could do it. Which, incidentally was nearly 60 years ago, so the Nk isn't exactly leading the power curve regardless.

The point behind the launch really isn't the satellite. It could have been the "Glorious Leader's" dirty laundry for all it matters. The point that does matter is that having a rocket delivery system that is capable of reaching orbit means having the facilities and technology to expand the range of your ballistic missiles.

The reason why there is serious condemnation from the international community is that it shifts North Korea from being able to reasonably threaten their neighbors to being able to threaten pretty much anyone. Even if they don't have access to atomic weapons and even if it's inaccurate due to not being able to maintain a stable, controlled orbit it still means that they can use it as a delivery system for chemical or conventional warheads.

Not saying we should instantly be panicking but any real success in North Korea's space program means that they've upgraded from a knife to a gun. They may only ever use it to threaten but it is now having the means to back up more of their threats and it would be changing the situation in how the international community deals with North Korea. A situation that is already complicated enough due to China's involvement.

Historically speaking NASA's success was built on Germany's research into rocket technology during WWII. That process can be pushed into reverse, using the research for a space program to advance your own missile technology.

This should give you some idea how backwards and pathetic North Korea actually is. There are amateur satellite builders that can easily launch a satellite into orbit. Nothing massive, but they do it without any fuss. Yet some people still believe that NK was behind that Sony hack. It's still as absurd today as it was when it was first suspected.

Adam Jensen:
This should give you some idea how backwards and pathetic North Korea actually is. There are amateur satellite builders that can easily launch a satellite into orbit. Nothing massive, but they do it without any fuss. Yet some people still believe that NK was behind that Sony hack. It's still as absurd today as it was when it was first suspected.

Not Sony itself, that appears to be a disgruntled somebody who got away with it.
But I will point out the DPRK has a "petty cyber crimes and fraud" division which, while it's less of a threat than anon, they could have. It's soft target "we don't patch-y our Apache" Sony.

They also crash helicopters for the insurance and make meth their ambassadors are tasked with selling to other diplomats. Seriously.

Don't know if it's so funny when people are just a few steps behind delivering h-bombs to any spot of the world they please.

Love the satirical bent to the article, makes it very much fun to read. As with others, the worry is less about satellites and more about rockets. Nuclear weapons are old tech, it's the rockets and guidance systems that really make them dangerous. No one save maybe Iran wants to see NK with either of those other two pieces.

This could have been written straight and would've been at least as funny, if not more so.

Gorrath:
Love the satirical bent to the article, makes it very much fun to read. As with others, the worry is less about satellites and more about rockets. Nuclear weapons are old tech, it's the rockets and guidance systems that really make them dangerous. No one save maybe Iran wants to see NK with either of those other two pieces.

Even if NK were to fire a rocket it would be shot out of the sky before it leaves their own airspace. People don't seem to realize how many eyes the US has on NK at all times. Just because the current focus is the Middle East mess, doesn't mean that nothing is being done about NK.

One day there will probably be so many failed north-korean missiles in the yellow sea that a race of fish people can build a city out of them

Adam Jensen:

Gorrath:
Love the satirical bent to the article, makes it very much fun to read. As with others, the worry is less about satellites and more about rockets. Nuclear weapons are old tech, it's the rockets and guidance systems that really make them dangerous. No one save maybe Iran wants to see NK with either of those other two pieces.

Even if NK were to fire a rocket it would be shot out of the sky before it leaves their own airspace. People don't seem to realize how many eyes the US has on NK at all times. Just because the current focus is the Middle East mess, doesn't mean that nothing is being done about NK.

Oh I'm quite keenly aware of the military dispositions in Korea and the surrounding areas. I was in the Army myself for some years. I would never ever assume that any attempt we make to shoot down munitions will be successful. I have been on the receiving end of guided and unguided attacks from enemy forces in three different conflicts. To put it bluntly, shit happens, countermeasures fail, backups fall apart and you "Ohshit!" your way into the nearest hole and hope you don't eat it.

My confidence in the U.S. military to handle NK is high but that confidence should never lead to arrogance. There are four technologies I do not want my opponent to have in any engagement: NBC (Nuke, Bio, Chem), Range, Accuracy (especially guidance systems) and stealth. Three of those technologies are the cornerstones of effective nuclear tech. I'm not saying the U.S. does nothing about NK, I know what we do, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't express concern over the development of key tech like rockets and guidance.

The motto in my profile entry sums up my feelings perfectly - Pro Patria Vigilans.

The funniest thing about this 'article' is that it is not funny.

Silentpony:
I had no idea Donald Trump was the head of the North Korean space agency!

I am now picturing Dear Leader enslaving martians and making them build/pay for our space wall.

Dalisclock:

Squilookle:
To be honest- whether the satellite is rotating in orbit or not- is there really any surprise that a US official is reporting to CNN that a North Korean satellite is a failure?

Besides, if even the US is saying it's tumbling 'in orbit', then that's pretty much an admittance that it's reached an orbit, isn't it?

It doesn't really matter considering the satellite was probably like sputnik, which had only one function once it reached orbit and that was to beep until the power ran down. Well, that and to prove they could do it. Which, incidentally was nearly 60 years ago, so the Nk isn't exactly leading the power curve regardless.

Yeah but.. given that their space program is in its infancy- was NK even trying to lead the world into a new age of space exploration? Seems more to me it's just as you say- a little Sputnik of their own just to show they can do it. Even if it's tumbling around on an orbit, it just looks to me like NK achieved exactly what it attempted, and this US official is just hanging crap on it because it doesn't map GPS or host facebook or whatever else US satellites can do today.

Squilookle:

Dalisclock:

Squilookle:
To be honest- whether the satellite is rotating in orbit or not- is there really any surprise that a US official is reporting to CNN that a North Korean satellite is a failure?

Besides, if even the US is saying it's tumbling 'in orbit', then that's pretty much an admittance that it's reached an orbit, isn't it?

It doesn't really matter considering the satellite was probably like sputnik, which had only one function once it reached orbit and that was to beep until the power ran down. Well, that and to prove they could do it. Which, incidentally was nearly 60 years ago, so the Nk isn't exactly leading the power curve regardless.

Yeah but.. given that their space program is in its infancy- was NK even trying to lead the world into a new age of space exploration? Seems more to me it's just as you say- a little Sputnik of their own just to show they can do it. Even if it's tumbling around on an orbit, it just looks to me like NK achieved exactly what it attempted, and this US official is just hanging crap on it because it doesn't map GPS or host facebook or whatever else US satellites can do today.

Well, I guess the reason for the piss taking is because, as this article was poking fun at, they are constantly up-playing their "Advanced Democratic Republic that's totally better then everyone" while their satellites are falling down.
I mean, I remember reading another article on this website about how they sent a propaganda video to the US showing off how they planned to invade and rekt the place...while using footage from Modern Warfare 3's story mode...

On the national stage, NK is basically that one friend who keeps making shit up to make himself sound a lot more impressive then he really is, like that story about how they built an entire empty city nearby the border to SK and hired people to "Live" there in order to keep up appearances (Most likely messed up the details there, but I do remember seeing that on Cracked or something).
So even when they do get a slight success like this, their prior, and current, grandstanding just makes them look like a laughing stock.

That and no one wants to be the guy who wants to encourage the insane pricks running the place by giving them a Gold Star for effort.

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