A bit of online, in-game sex has resulted in the rapid unemployment of one Funcom employee.
An unnamed Game Master for Funcom’s Age of Conan has been caught by an in-game passerby having internet nookie with another player.
After player who claimed to be a real-life female summoned a male Game Master, they traveled to a remote location in the world and began to describe innuendo-laden sexual acts. The resulting banter may be the most scandalous game-related sex act since San Andreas‘s “Hot Coffee.”
An excerpt below shows the conversation started somewhat innocently (The screen name of the androgynous offender has been renamed “Candy”):
Candy: ..with dual wield barbarians though, I mean TWO?!?! That’s a bit difficult for me to handle. I’d rather stick with one big sword.
|GM|: You like it rough I take it 🙂
Candy: Of Course, I’m a ***ing rock sniffer.
Candy: With daggers.
Candy: And I’m specced for second wind =) I can go all night.
|GM|: lol wow, I don’t think I would ever be the same 🙂
|GM|: um WOw this is turning me on lol.
Candy: Hong Says he wants in on the hot action. But he’s a gold farmer/seller. How do you feel about that? He does have a big bow =]
The foreplay flared up from there, with the GM at one point even asking if the player was indeed a woman and above age, which it confirmed:
|GM|: er.. how old are you (hopefully not under 18 lol)
Candy: I’m 9.
Candy: Want to be my daddy? Remember, I do like roleplaying ^_–
|GM|: oh nice…
|GM|: um your not really 9 are you? I just want to be sure lol
Candy: Come on… do I sound like I’m 9? What 9 year old knows about glory holes?
The discussion quickly devolved into good ol’ web wanking (words modified for work safety are in italics):
|GM|: what if I rip your panties off and massage you hard till I am satisfied?
Candy: That sounds perfect
Candy: Going to use clobber? 😛
|GM|: Want to feel you get really wet so I can put just the head of my barnyard animal inside you and use my hand to navigate the depths of my love for you and making you take it all.
The plot twist occurred when the gamer revealed herself to actually be a man:
Candy: You’re just as kinky as me
Candy: Infact you’re so kinky, you just cybered with a dude 😛
Candy shouts: THIS IS SPARTA
|GM|: then when you are really hot and needing more I can reposition and slide my wet tongue up your face and do small circles again around your belly button and then let my tongue trail down your chin.
|GM|: oh that would really be not good lol
Candy: Love you =]Candy: By the way, I’ve been fapping to this the whole time.
|GM|: lol why did you want this then lol you gay?
|GM|: are you serious?
Candy: Serious about what?
|GM|: um what’s fapping (not up to par on the ling) lol
Candy: I was joking about the fapping, but I am indeed a dude.
|GM|: lol ok.
|GM|: Glad I put my clothes back on lol
Candy: Yeah probably a good idea. I have aids.
The consequence of this conversation resulted in the firing of the offending GM.
“We are aware of this matter, and necessary measures have been taken against them. We have clear guidelines for all employees in Funcom, not least those who work with customer service, and if the guidelines are broken there are consequences,” stated Funcom representative Erling Ellingsen. “This is the behaviour that is not accepted by Funcom.”
Multiple lessons could be sucked from this sexual escapade. If one is attempting cyber-coitus, stick to a strict definition of “isolation.” More importantly, if you’re found, let the straggler join in, lest he post screenshots of your actions on message boards.