With all of this cold weather we know that you’re looking forward to the summer and the beach. Well, we want to keep you informed as to the dangers of the beach and a few reasons to just stay home in the air conditioning this summer. Or you’re Australian and need these warnings as quickly as possible.

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Jaws: The Revenge gives us one of the most compelling reasons to avoid the beach. These sharks like to eat people whole and, if I’ve learned anything from movies, they tend to go after the attractive people first.

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The lessons we’ve all learned from Mario Kart 64 are to avoid going too deep into the water. Fine, don’t listen to me, but be prepared to be pulled out of the water by a turtle if you go too far. They’re nature’s lifeguards and enemy of fun.

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Quadrophenia shows us the violence that occurs at beaches these days. Especially if you happen to be a “Mod” or a “Rocker”.

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Sharks, gangs, turtles and now zombies. Dead Island demonstrates that the pristine beaches of the South Pacific are teeming with zombies. So, when booking your summer vacation remember that the view comes with a massive zombie horde.

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Saving Private Ryan shows us that the beaches in France tend to attract Nazis. So if you go, remember to approach the beach with caution and a weapon or two. Preferably via England.

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In Far Cry 3 an island infested with pirates is “discovered.” These are far more common than you would expect, so, if you don’t heed our advice and end up going to the beach, be prepared for pirates. They’re everywhere.

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If you’re in California, as The Big Lebowski shows, there are ashes that blow inland. The ashes are supposedly from Donny who haunts their beaches.

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The beaches are littered with debris and ships, so much so that the main enemy in the latest Tomb Raider was tetanus.

And all of this danger really begs the question as to why anyone would leave their house.

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