Over the holiday weekend, Games Workshop unveiled their new rules for Warhammer Fantasy, called Warhammer Age of Sigmar, they chopped the 30-plus year veteran of the wargames scene in favor of a sleek, slimmed down replacement catering to casual wargamers and collectors. The rules, among other things, get rid of the square bases and fiddly unit movement iconic to the game in favor of round bases and speed of play. The battle is ongoing as to whether this is the Worst Thing Ever™, but the new game definitely includes some real gems of ridiculous rules catered to goofy, beer-and-pretzels style game play.

These are some of the more absurd rules, but not nearly all of them – for example, we didn’t include the figure that lets you dance to re-roll your missed attacks, nor the figures with game-ending destructive powers, nor did we even begin to try and list out the combinations that lead to hysterically broken instant victories.

Enjoy the hilarious, and look forward to our review of the Warhammer Age of Sigmar Starter Set later this week. You can also go check out the free version of the rules at Games Workshop’s site.

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High Elf Dragon Host

If you field enough High Elves on dragons, you can legally act like a jerk and/or try to get your opponent to make you laugh.

Ancient Dignity: Dragons are ancient and prideful creatures, and the Elves that
ride them are no less haughty, but from such nobility and dignity stems an inner
strength. If, during your entire hero phase, you can maintain a dignified (even
arrogant) composure and not smile, smirk or laugh regardless of your opponent’s
antics, you may re-roll all hit rolls of 1 made for models in a Dragon Host until
your next hero phase.

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Beastman Wargor Standard Bearer

Why not howl like a demon goat monster while playing an army of demon goat monsters?

Braying Warcry: Red-hot rage festers in
the savage minds of Wargors, their only
desire to rend and destroy. You can add 1
to all hit rolls made for a Wargor if, before
rolling the dice, you let loose a primal
warcry. Your warcry must use no actual
words, but angry grunts and raging snorts
are encouraged.

Since Games Workshop doesn’t actually make Wargor miniatures anymore, all due credit to the The Bovine Overlord blog for this lovely, well painted hellspawn.

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Brettonian Grail Knights

The Brettonian knights are dedicated to a quest for a holy goblet. Little do they know it’s just above them in the real world being swung about by a nerd playing a game.

The Grail Vow: You can re-roll all failed
hit rolls for this unit if, before rolling the
dice, you hold aloft a grail or goblet and
shout ‘For the Lady’ in a heroic voice.

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Kurt Helborg

To be fair, it is a pretty sweet moustache. Cue players buying the largest novelty moustaches they can, though.

Pride of the Reiksguard: Helborg’s
skill is as legendary as his moustache is
magnificent. You can re-roll any failed hit
rolls when attacking with the Runefang
so long as you have a bigger and more
impressive moustache than your opponent.

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Dwarf Longbeards

Always one of the more flavorful units in the fantasy Dwarf army, Longbeards are the oldest of the warriors… and they took that theme pretty far with the new rules.

Old Grumblers: In your hero phase,
you can complain about something in a
suitably Dwarfish manner. For example,
the hardships you endured when you were
younger, how the youth of today don’t
respect their elders, how expensive beer
is etc. If you do, this unit of Longbeards
will join in and you can pick one of the
grumblings listed below. The effects last
until your next hero phase.

‘I thought Dwarfs were made of
sterner stuff!’
: Roll a dice each time a
Dispossessed model from your army
flees whilst within 8″ of this unit; on a 5
or more that model stands firm under the
Longbeards’ stern gaze and does not flee.

‘Who does this beardling think he is?’:
Dispossessed Heroes from your army
within 8″ of this unit in the hero phase can
use their command abilities even if they
are not your general.

‘Goblins are weedier these days!’: You can
re-roll wound rolls of 1 for Dispossessed
models from your army that are within
8″ of this unit when they attack in the
combat phase.

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Marius Leitdorf

An infamously insane commander who’s also a genius, so obviously…

The Mad Count: Marius Leitdorf is an
exceptional swordsman, even if he is totally
insane. If, during your hero phase, you
pretend to ride an imaginary horse, you
can re-roll failed hit rolls for the Averland
Runefang until your next hero phase. If
you actually talk to your imaginary horse
you can re-roll failed wound rolls as well.

What bonus do I get if I bang two coconuts together?

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Tomb Swarm

Underground Scuttlers: Instead of setting
up a Tomb Swarm on the battlefield, you
can place them to one side and say that
they are set up beneath the ground. In any
of your movement phases, you can set the
unit up on the battlefield more than 9″
from any enemy models. This is the unit’s
move for that movement phase. The
unit can burrow back underground in
any of your future movement phases.
If it does, remove the unit from the
battlefield – it can return in a later turn as
described above.

If you have many fewer units in your army than an opponent, you can choose to instantly win the game if your army survives for six turns. As your army, take a a couple of tomb swarms and burrow them forever. Wait six turns… win.

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Bloodwrack Medusa

Bloodwrack Stare: When making a
Bloodwrack Stare attack, pick a visible
unit within range and roll a dice for each
model in that unit; for each roll of 6 or
more that unit suffers a mortal wound as
they foolishly meet the Medusa’s deadly
gaze. You can add 1 to these dice rolls if,
between the time you declare the target of
the attack and time you roll the dice, your
opponent looks you directly in the eye.

Frankly, playing with some of these rules will be awkward enough. I’m relieved at an excuse not to meet my opponent’s gaze.

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